xxjustinukxx Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Hello everyone, I've been dating this woman I met online for a few months now. We have just reconnected. The first time we started dating, we had bee seeing each other for a couple of months and then I wasn't able to see her for a few weeks.I was on Facebook one morning and she had updated her status to "in a relationship". Apparently she was unclear where she stood with me and had been dating someone else who decided to "make it official" really quickly. Apparently she had been on three dates with this other bloke. a while went by and she contacted me and we met up again, she said she wasn't seeing this other bloke anymore and it was nothing special. I decided to give it another shot and we've been seeing each other for a couple of months now. Two nights ago we met up and I said I'd try and see her this week if I can. My situation is that I'm working part time and struggling so it's not always easy to do a midweek date, plus I want to go slow, date, enjoy each others company, not rush into anything. Been there, done that,big mistake. She contacted me last night to see when we can meet and I said I'd let her know as i don't want to make promises I can't keep. She then replied saying I'm being resistant to being a part of her life or seeing her much. And that she's "not good with unknowns" I'm not going to be pressured into something and when we've been together, she says she loves the idea of us being together "every night". I'm feeling really uncomfortable and have told her. What do you all think about this? If really appreciate any advice. Thank you! ☺
ElizabethIII Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 (edited) When you said you were very concerned I thought you were going to say you had a stalker on your hands. Seriously what is the concern about? I see her point. She has been seeing you for a couple of months this time around, but you cant plan a midweek date, you say you can see her this week "if you can" so not making any special effort. You arent taking it slow with her, she sounds like a very casual set up to you. You dont speak of her with any kindness or as if you even like her. her requests are not unreasonable given you have been seeing each other for a few months on and off. It is not unreasonable want to see someone once a week. It is also not unreasonable for a person to dream about seeing their bf every night. That is normal. But it worries you?! You dont like her and you are wasting her time. TBH I think she should cut her losses and end it with you. You should find a f*buddy and e honest about your intention as you dont have anything to offer her or anyone right now. Edited November 15, 2016 by ElizabethIII
Eternal Sunshine Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Do you actually like her? Regardless, sounds like she wants more commitment and investment than you are prepared to give. I wouldn't like it if a guy kept telling me "I will let you know" about dates. You don't have to see her every day but at 2 months mark, that level of uncertainty is a big red flag for HER. You either don't want to take any risks or you plain just don't like her enough. 1
elaine567 Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 She wants more, you want less. Sounds like you are not that into her and she senses that and has told you so. YOU may want to hang back, but that doesn't mean she just has to put up with it and wait for you. Maybe that is sort of what happened the last time, she had one keen guy and one guy (ie you) who seemed luke warm, so she went with the keen one. NO woman after a couple of months wants to hear a brush off, like you just gave her. NO woman is going to hang around for weeks until you deign to give her some time. Decide if you want to be all in or not, and act accordingly. 1
Tribble Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 You don't come across as very interested here and from what you say you've told her, you seem even less interested! I understand you wanting to take it slow, that's fine. Dating, getting to know each other, waiting to make it official etc. But that's not really what you're doing. You're treating her like an option. It's difficult for some people to find time. But hearing 'I'll let you know when I'm free' is a brush up in anyone's world. If things are busy, you let her know and try to work something out. In my opinion, a week is too long to wait on a regular basis for things to progress. Do you just expect her to be free on the day you happen to find time for her? She should be concerned. You want different things. She wants to build a dating scenario into a relationship, you want a casual thing on your terms. Go your separate ways.
Author xxjustinukxx Posted November 15, 2016 Author Posted November 15, 2016 Thank you for the replies. I genuinely appreciate it. I will say that some assumptions have been made about my intentions and what I want. But that could well be that I didnt make it clear. She's fantastic, beautiful, funny and so easy to get along with. I do want something more serious and have never made any secret of that. All I'm saying is a midweek date this week might be tricky. I'm sure she'd not want me to make some half arsed maybe only to let her down. I also don't see what's wrong with taking it slow. Building up to a relationship rather than rushing in. We both said wanted it to go that way, yet after only reconnecting a short time ago, she wants us to be together every night. Surely that's a bit much? Thank you though for taking the time to reply. I do take in everything you all have to say
elaine567 Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 She contacted me last night to see when we can meet and I said I'd let her know as i don't want to make promises I can't keep. She then replied saying I'm being resistant to being a part of her life or seeing her much. And that she's "not good with unknowns" Logically that makes sense but can't you see that from her point of view it is a brush off? YOU know that in a few days when you can see a space you will arrange a date, but she doesn't know that, for all she knows, you may never call again. After two months things should be easy, you are introducing uncertainty and instability where none actually exists. If you like her you have to let her know, else she will be off again with the first guy who can plan a date and who doesn't leave her up in the air wondering and waiting. 2
Author xxjustinukxx Posted November 15, 2016 Author Posted November 15, 2016 We actually saw each other two nights ago. And my intentions are genuine and certainly not just for a "f buddy" Id appreciate it if you refrained from making judgements about my character or intentions unless you know me or have bothered to find out more in order to make such a judgement. Thanks. When you said you were very concerned I thought you were going to say you had a stalker on your hands. Seriously what is the concern about? I see her point. She has been seeing you for a couple of months this time around, but you cant plan a midweek date, you say you can see her this week "if you can" so not making any special effort. You arent taking it slow with her, she sounds like a very casual set up to you. You dont speak of her with any kindness or as if you even like her. her requests are not unreasonable given you have been seeing each other for a few months on and off. It is not unreasonable want to see someone once a week. It is also not unreasonable for a person to dream about seeing their bf every night. That is normal. But it worries you?! You dont like her and you are wasting her time. TBH I think she should cut her losses and end it with you. You should find a f*buddy and e honest about your intention as you dont have anything to offer her or anyone right now.
phineas Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 sounds like you are doing the same thing you di first time around with her. if she meets someone else, expect her to bail again. 3
ElizabethIII Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 People are making judgments based on your opening post. You said very concerned about this and asked us if you should dump her. You said nothing kind about her. Her crime was wanting some more certainty after a few months of on and off. People can only reply to what you tell them and you didnt come across well.
Author xxjustinukxx Posted November 15, 2016 Author Posted November 15, 2016 People are making judgments based on your opening post. You said very concerned about this and asked us if you should dump her. You said nothing kind about her. Her crime was wanting some more certainty after a few months of on and off. People can only reply to what you tell them and you didnt come across well. Thank you Elizabeth, I can see where you're coming from. This is maybe more of an issue from my side i suspect. Do you think so? I really like this girl, and im really trying to get to a serious relationship, but this time around with her, i want to take my time, as ive rushed in before and it ended badly. She is also going through a messy divorce and some other issues at home and so she doesn't deserve to be messed around. any advice on what i can say to her to try and clarify things? or do you think i should just leave her to find someone who can give her more?
JoeSmith357-1 Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 If she's attractive, and good in the sack... and sexual, even if you don't see her as someone you want to be with long term, I don't understand why you would not want her around... A LOT. If for nothing more than just to bang Unless you aren't into sex, which, if that's your thing, cool
IfonlyIknew Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 It does sound like you are leaving things up in the air, "if things work out I can let you know" she wants commitment, if you don't know about a midweek date then figure out a day you know works, if she can't make it then you keep figuring it out until you set a day, firm plans!
Miss Peach Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 I agree with the others. If I dated a many for awhile and he wasn't stepping up contact, dates, etc. and making it clear he was interested in my I might continue seeing him but I would be looking for better prospects. Another rule of thumb is to avoid looking like you're giving the brush off, always rebut with alternative plans. For example I might say "I don't know if I can make that mid week date but I will know if I have to work late tomorrow by noon. Even if I can't go, how about we catch up on Saturday?" That will show you want to see her. Women look heavily at a guy's actions. Wishy washy guys look either uninterested or like they are looking for casual. 1
ElizabethIII Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Thank you Elizabeth, I can see where you're coming from. This is maybe more of an issue from my side i suspect. Do you think so? I really like this girl, and im really trying to get to a serious relationship, but this time around with her, i want to take my time, as ive rushed in before and it ended badly. She is also going through a messy divorce and some other issues at home and so she doesn't deserve to be messed around. any advice on what i can say to her to try and clarify things? or do you think i should just leave her to find someone who can give her more? I dont know, you just sounded very standoffish in your first post. As if you were afraid and upset that this woman wants to spend time with you, when it is normal to spend lots of time when you are dating newly. You didnt say a single kind word about her in post 1 and you pretty much said, OMG I am not gonig to put up with this, should I dump her I am worried. And what had she actually done wrong? You taking it slow seems to mean you dont have much time for her and dont try and make time for her. You seem to be expecting her to hang around waiting for you for when you decide to see her. You are running the risk of her ending it.
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