I'm losing myself to this.

[Lotzasugar13]

Hi. Brand new here. Please be patient. I don't know all the abbreviations or correct terminology.

 

I met my husband in June of 2015. We meet at work. I was instantly in love. We only dated for about a month before he move in with me. I'm 34 years old. Divorced with three children. He's 35 and divorced with no kids.

 

I found out pretty quickly that he was sneaking around talking to other women. His excuse was always that he doesn't get along with men and never has. He has 4 sisters.

First off I find out that he had been taking to another woman online and on the phone from the beginning of our relationship. This is now 7 months into it. He swears and she seats that they met one time for lunch and never met again and did not have sex. Obviously I do not buy it.

We moved to another state and got married in June of this year. I found a Craigslist page with ads that he had posted looking for sex. I also found some responses and know he met at least one person for sex while I was at work.

 

This all took place in may before we got married. He swears nothing else has happened. I know that he is constantly looking at porn. And there are many many many accounts on many sites that he has. Most of them have nothing saved has either all been deleted or as he says, there was never anything there.

 

I love him very very much. And made the decision to stay with him. And to try to make this work. But I am so angry. And I still feel like he isn't telling me everything. I'm constantly checking up on him. But he has changed all his passwords and if I ask to see something he gets very angry and says I don't trust him. I can't seem to make myself trust him. And I don't think I forgive him either.

 

I can't stand feeling like this. I'm hurting or angry all the time. I don't really sleep anymore. I can't get these thoughts out of my head. It's become an obsession. I can't explain the intensity of these feelings. Even if I do check his phone, and find nothing, I'm still convinced that he just knows ways around me finding it.

 

Can someone please tell me that this will go away. I just can't stand feeling like this. It hurts too much to tolerate. Please help and tell me I'm not alone.

[Lotzasugar13]

Ugh, so many typos. So sorry. On my phone.

[Miss Clavel]

 

Can someone please tell me that this will go away. I just can't stand feeling like this. It hurts too much to tolerate. Please help and tell me I'm not alone.

 

then don't. it's up to you.

 

it sounds like you moved very quickly.

 

do you work? can you take care of your family without him? what does he bring to the table?

[Lotzasugar13]

He works. I work part time. To be honest, no I can't take care of the family alone. I also have no family left really.

[Blueskies66]

Your husband is a serial cheater. And when you are a serial cheater you are forced into becoming a serial liar. You need to decide if the economic benefits outweigh the pain of him cheating. Stay strong.

[aileD]

You met your husband in June 2015. Why did you marry him so soon? You have children....why would you bring someone you have only known a month into your home with your children? And why wouldn't you kick him out when he started acting like this? Where are your parenting instincts?

 

Why did you marry him knowing he's a cheater?

 

You say you can't leave because you can't take care of your family alone.

 

You were doing it alone a year and five months ago before you met this loser, why do you think you can't do it alone again???

 

If you can't do it for you, do it to get this guy away from your precious babies

[mikeylo]

You can never know if he is cheating or not. Most don't stop even after DDay. Remorse is also many times fake, just to get you to a place of trusting him again so that he can continue his rendezvous.

 

He has crossed the line not once but with various women. One woman can never fulfill what various women do. He gets different thrills from different women. Each woman has her own role in his life. Even if he had one of those , he will still have others.

 

I have no words that could make you feel better because no words ever will. It's all on him.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Why did you marry him? Especially if you knew about it beforehand? I'm at a loss to even suggest anything here, but obviously divorce him. You should have never married, and moving in after 3 months? Not to beat a dead horse, but wow

[l8estnews]

Hi. Brand new here. Please be patient. I don't know all the abbreviations or correct terminology.

 

I met my husband in June of 2015. We meet at work. I was instantly in love. We only dated for about a month before he move in with me. I'm 34 years old. Divorced with three children. He's 35 and divorced with no kids.

 

I found out pretty quickly that he was sneaking around talking to other women. His excuse was always that he doesn't get along with men and never has. He has 4 sisters.

First off I find out that he had been taking to another woman online and on the phone from the beginning of our relationship. This is now 7 months into it. He swears and she seats that they met one time for lunch and never met again and did not have sex. Obviously I do not buy it.

We moved to another state and got married in June of this year. I found a Craigslist page with ads that he had posted looking for sex. I also found some responses and know he met at least one person for sex while I was at work.

 

This all took place in may before we got married. He swears nothing else has happened. I know that he is constantly looking at porn. And there are many many many accounts on many sites that he has. Most of them have nothing saved has either all been deleted or as he says, there was never anything there.

 

I love him very very much. And made the decision to stay with him. And to try to make this work. But I am so angry. And I still feel like he isn't telling me everything. I'm constantly checking up on him. But he has changed all his passwords and if I ask to see something he gets very angry and says I don't trust him. I can't seem to make myself trust him. And I don't think I forgive him either.

 

I can't stand feeling like this. I'm hurting or angry all the time. I don't really sleep anymore. I can't get these thoughts out of my head. It's become an obsession. I can't explain the intensity of these feelings. Even if I do check his phone, and find nothing, I'm still convinced that he just knows ways around me finding it.

 

Can someone please tell me that this will go away. I just can't stand feeling like this. It hurts too much to tolerate. Please help and tell me I'm not alone.

 

I don't know. You have been married before but it seems that you still are clueless with things. So why did you let yourself be entangled again with a man without knowing him first? It's like all these secrets and lies have been found out after you got married, something that you could've known if you waited for a bit and not got married.

 

The key action that makes this pain your fault partly is you have decided to stay with a cheater. So all the things that you are going through: The lack of sleep, the constant anxiety, the snooping.... everything falls on your decision to stay with him, when you shouldn't have done so.

 

This person is still very defensive of his phone. Not a good sign after the ordeal he brought you. If he is truly remorseful, he'll definitely do everything he can to appease and convince you that he's no longer seeing anyone.

 

But, let's face it: you know he's still out there banging some girls.

 

You know what to do at this point. No need to type it anymore

[anika99]

No it won't all go away. Your husband is a cheater and he is not the least bit remorseful. Remorseful cheaters don't hide their passwords and get mad because their wife doesn't trust them. He would be bending over backwards to prove his loyalty and devotion to you if he were truly remorseful and wanting to change. He would have no problem with complete transparency. You would know all of his passwords and be welcome to look at anything you want. He would let you know his whereabouts constantly and comfort and reassure you whenever you need. Mostly he wouldn't have the audacity to angrily accuse you of not trusting him. What, is he brain damaged or something? Does he seriously think he deserves any of your trust when he has betrayed you and destroyed all trust? Yeah, sorry but you picked a bad guy and the only fix for that is to kick him to the curb.

 

Once you ditch the cheater then you can get down to business and deal with the person who really wants to hurt you and sabatoge you. That would be yourself. It seems like you made a series of bad decisions to arrive here. You let a man you only knew for a month move in with you and your children. You found out early that he was sneaky and talking to other women but you didn't kick him out. After you knew for sure that he had met with another woman you decided to marry him. You discovered that he actually did meet at least one woman for sex and you have decided to stay with him even though nothing in the way he behaves or talks indicates that he has changed. So the question is...why are you so determined to mess up your life and hurt yourself?

 

You need counselling, because if you don't change yourself you will continue to make self destructive decisions that will hurt you and your children. Don't forget that your first duty and responsibility is to your children. I can only imagine how much toxic drama you have brought into their lives by marrying this cheater and liar. A responsible mother does not let a man whom she has only known for 1 month move in with her children. Saying that you can't support your family without this guy is a cop out. What were you doing before you met him? If money is a problem then what are you doing to fix that? Hooking up with a loser because you are struggling financially is a lousy plan. Is that what you want to teach your children?

 

Come on now. You are 34, not 24 and you know better. You have to help yourself by getting divorced and getting into counselling asap.

[Lotzasugar13]

Thank you for your very honest response. It was very hard to read. But thank you.

[oldshirt]

You got duped by a player and a sweet talker. He is a lier and a cheater and a womanizer and he is of bad character. You bought the lies and was taken in by his sweet words and sparkles and shiney things.

 

The question is why are you still there now that you know every word out of his mouth is a lie and know that he screws every woman that falls for his sparkles.

 

This is on you. This is toxic to you and you are the one suffering.

 

This can't be fixed and it's not something that can be "worked on" because this is a deep character flaw in him. He is simply not an honest, decent perso and there is not a single thing on the planet you can do about that. No matter how much you twist yourself into a pretzel, you cannot turn him into a good person.

 

Your options are to accept you are with a dud and that he will lie and cheat forever.

 

Or you can leave him behind and make a good life without him in it.

[Satu]

This relationship can't be fixed. Not now. Not ever.

 

He is a complete reject: a habitual liar and cheat.

 

You only have 2 choices:

 

 

1. Stay with him, and feel just as bad as you feel now, for the rest of your life.

 

2. Leave him, and build as good life as you can for you and your children.

 

 

I don't usually say things like this, but your husband is a vile and low creature. A disgusting person.

 

Sorry to say it.

 

 

Take care.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Satu

[RecentChange]

There is no fixing this, there is not ignoring this.

 

He was cheating on you during the limerence period and he won't ever stop. This is a lifestyle he has probably had for years.

 

My recommendation would be to cut your losses and move on with your life. Unfortunately you married someone before you knew him.

[Ahurtgirl]

From personal experience, I found that once a cheater, always a cheater holds truth. Don't let him take valuable years of your life away from you. If you stay, that is what he will have done. He may beg and promise to change but he won't. I spent four years with a cheater who I loved so much, I still love but thankfully he is no longer in my life. I no longer am worried about who he is talking to, flirting with, or trying to establish a connection with. When he goes away on business, I no longer have to fear who he may be sleeping with. I was also his ap, so he not only had a wife, an ap, but also had other chicks on the side. To this day, my guess is his wife is only aware of me. I was the one that played detective and learned who he really was. It didn't stop me from loving him but I hated that big red flag, that without a d day, I would have never left. Be stronger than I was and end your marriage and save yourself future heartache. It's not worth the pain. You deserve much better.

[Mr. Lucky]

You got duped by a player and a sweet talker.

 

Exactly. There's a truism in cons and scams that if you know something's coming down but can't figure out who the mark is - then it's probably you.

 

I can't stand feeling like this. I'm hurting or angry all the time. I don't really sleep anymore. I can't get these thoughts out of my head. It's become an obsession. I can't explain the intensity of these feelings.

 

Every instinctive and intuitive part of your body is trying to send you a warning.

 

Ignore it at your own peril...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Lotzasugar13]

Thank you all for the advice. It looks like you all pretty much agree. I feel very very very stupid. I'm sure you would have all seen through him right away. I lost my first husband of 13 years to a younger trashier woman. One who wasnt so tired from taking care of him and the three kids. His relationship with her lasted 3 years during our marriage. So we can all tell I'm very naive. I never planned on even dating again. Much less getting remarried. I suppose saying he swept me off my feet will once again confirm how easily I can be manipulated. So thank you again for all your honest advice. I appreciate the honesty, while I might not really appreciate the harsh delivery. I have a lot of changes to make now. This week give my ex husband all the ammunition he needs to try to get the kids. I have no marketable skills, so I will be back to serving and not making enough to even get by. Whatever I have to do get some peace. Thanks again

[BaileyB]

I can't imagine a worse way to live. No, it will not go away. I do not understand why you married him, knowing that he was a serial cheater.

 

I hope you can find the strength to leave and take care of yourself. Take care.

[beautiful_day]

You are not stupid. This is not your fault. You made decisions on the information you were given, and serial cheaters can be incredibly sparkly when they want their own way. Ask me how I know.

 

I remember the agony of it so clearly, and my heart goes out to you. I also worried desperately that I wouldn't be able to manage without him. But I did ... in fact life got a whole lot better very quickly once I stood up for myself, and told him I was done.

 

You are in an emergency. Reach out to everyone who will listen in real life. Tell them what has happened to you. I did this, and was amazed at how many people came forward and offered help. I had no idea that I had so many friends. Actually some of them I hardly knew, but they offered help anyway. I secretly called them my posse.

 

Also, although this is forum is great, Also go to Chump Lady for strength. Just google her.

[Satu]

You're not stupid.

 

You've been preyed upon by a very bad man.

 

There's no shame in that.

 

 

Take care.