One_Love Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Hi everybody! I am looking for some advice on how to deal with my little situation. Well, to put it bluntly I am a bit envious of my girlfriends ex boyfriend. Yeah I know she is with me now and not with him but something has been picking on my mind recently. First off my girlfriend and I are doing great, we have long term (some VERY long term!) talks about our future and we do genuinely love each other. We do have some arguments and disagreements but more on that later. Well from what I found out my girlfriend used to have ALOT of sex with her ex boyfriend. And they even did more positions and even some outdoor stuff from what she said. I asked if she wanted to try more positions with me but she told me she is fine with just the two ( not going into too much detail!) and every time I ask she gets angry and frustrated with me. Especially if I ask to go down on her. I was also looking through her tumblr profile and saw she screen capped some old texts with her ex (this wasn't recent, it was when they were dating) but she seemed to reply with very flirty and highly sexual responses. And when I tried doing the same she either just calls me gross or just flats out doesn't reply. Call me jealous or stupid or whatever but I have been wondering why I am getting treated with a shorter end of the stick sex wise. She always tells me that I am the biggest she has ever had (I think she is lying, I am only 6inches) and the best she has ever had. I also think that's a lie because she used to take pictures of her ex boyfriends back after they had sex because she scratch the hell out of his back. She doesn't really do that with me. I tried talking about it with her (without adding me looking through her tumblr or twitter or even mentioning her ex) but she says she isn't like that. She says she isn't that sexual because she takes birth control. But each time we usually argue and fight and sometimes I just don't want to bring it up anymore. From what I see my girlfriends ex used to do cross fit and was in very good shape, he was also taller and admittedly better looking than me. Me, I am not bad looking but I have been a bit on the chubby side recently. I am doing my best to look past this but I truly just wanted to vent out a bit. I really try to not care what she did but I was curious to the reasoning behind this. Is my girlfriend just not that attracted to me compared with her ex? She also told me that they were in a long distance relationship and they only saw each other once every 6 months. Thank for reading my post! I hope I was clear but I hit me up with some constructive criticism! Thanks 1
dumbass2 Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 (edited) Stop using her ex boyfriend (sounds more like a FWB) for comparison. Let me tell you something. She's not with him any more and he sounds more like just a good time for her and not much more than that. There is more to a relationship than how many different sexual positions you are good at and how big you are. Maybe, just maybe, there is a good chance that she likes you way more than any of here ex boyfriends. Could it be that you bring much more to a relatioship than just great sex? Sounds like she is good with you and you keep pushing the issue and you're pushing it only because of the ex. Stop it and stop it right now. Stop the comparisons or you will mess up what you have. And stop asking if you can go down on her. When you get into the foreplay and work your way around there, just ease in to it and if she gives you an indication to stop, then stop. You can bring it up later and see if there is a reason she doesn't want you to. I would lay off the talk about sex for a while and just go with it. If you want to ask her down the road a bit if there is anything that you can do to help her experience, then fine, but give that talk a break for a while and stop focusing in the ex boyfriend. You're with her and he's not for a reason. Edited November 15, 2016 by dumbass2 2
Versacehottie Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 I think there's some validity to what bothers you about all this. But basically I think she's being a little dismissive of you and putting you down/mistreating you a bit. I also think you don't feel great about yourself & that the ex-bf just "represents" what you want to get for yourself/from your gf. Like satu said jealousy is not about another person. "IN COMPARISON TO" the ex-bf, you don't feel like you are getting the same sex, sexual freedom& enjoyment, attention & respect. Some of that is on you--your insecurities are playing themselves out in the relationship. And some of that is you picking up on the fact that she may mistreat you or take you for granted and transferring your feelings about that to an imagined other situation (her with the ex-bf). For all you know, she could have mistreated him too and possibly worse than she treats you. For all you know the good compliments she has given you, could absolutely be true. So what you need to do is shore up your insecurities by self-care (take care of your body more so that is less of an issue), and stand up for yourself in the relationship. Try to balance out the power. Also I don't think you should expose your jealousy about him to her or feeling bad or mistreated by her as much. I think that diminishes her attraction for you when you sound off about being insecure (even if those are not the words you use). Also if she mistreats you, address that directly or pull back rather than "allow" that treatment. That is contributing to you feeling bad and imagining that her previous bf had it better than you do. lastly, you can't change a person that much. I'm not exactly sure what is going on with her. Mabye the tumblr stuff was for show or to make her seem desirable/sexy to others IN GENERAL and/or was exaggerated. One of the best ways to get over jealousy is focus on what YOU want. If you want more variety in your sex life with her--that's what you should address, not the ex-bf. Sometimes jealousy is just a signal of your brain to yourself of what it is that YOU want. You want a better body (he does cross fit & in good shape), they did more stuff sexually & he seemed to be more desired (you want to be more desired by her and more free with her), and you want more respect from her. Work on that and your worth, knowing you DESERVE those things otherwise what is the point of being in the relationship. Also there was a hint in what you said that perhaps she is acting like she is settling by being with you by the way she treats you. That would bother me very much as I imagine it does you. I think you have a right to get to the bottom of this and find out the answer. it may take a little bit and you will have to be more logical and emotionally grounded to gather information--but if this is the case, then get out. Good luck 1
morrowrd Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 You are making a big mistake with this obsession over sex, and even more over your girlfriend's past sexual relationship. Her responses to your very immature and creepy questions are no different I believe than anyone else's. It makes intimacy icky, to say the least. You are a different person and this is a different relationship - and you need to focus on getting to know each other, allowing intimacy to develop on it's own in the rest of the relationship as well as the sexual part. What will happen sexually, will happen naturally...as you begin to become comfortable with each other, trust builds, insyncness (made up that word), and your relationship deepens. The sexual piece will develop as the rest of the relationship develops. She will probably open up sexually, as she and her body become used to being with you and yours. There will be unique parts of the whole relationship that will belong to you only. You need PATIENCE to allow all this to happen. And stop talking and bringing up all the comparisons, its really whiny and unmanly. You will turn her off completely if you keep it up. 2
MarkIVSteel Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 You think it's bad now? Wait till you make any sort of future commitments to her like *gulp* marriage. Then the sex well will dry up faster than pouring water on the sun. I'm guessing you're in your twenties. If so, I don't know why you would want to tie yourself down to this woman. You're young and there are so many women out there that will give you mind blowing sex rather than confining you to just two positions. Smh. I guarantee you that your gf and her ex didn't only have public sex and multiple positions but they also made several sex tapes which she probably still clings onto and watches from time to time. 2
smackie9 Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 I say keep your eye on your own business.......just sit back enjoy the relationship, and those arguments will stop occurring. 1
LD1990 Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 You need to step your game up. Less talk more action. If she's not having mind-blowing sex with you, it's because you're not bringing that side out of her. Your problem is that you're over-communicating. You said she gets angry if you ask to change positions or go down on her. Women like a man who takes charge and is dominant, not one who awkwardly asks "hey, mind if I lick your *****?" The fact that she turned down oral tells me that you're being very awkward about everything, because there's not a woman on Earth who doesn't like cunnilingus. If you want to eat her out, put your face down there and do it. If you want to try a different position, grab her and position her exactly how you want her. Get nasty, get rough, and bring out those animal instincts. 2
Miss Peach Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 I have no idea about your GF. Some women will experiment and realize they aren't into that. Others will hold back. In my case, I am very sexual but I tend to hold back when I sense a man can't handle it (or at least handle it right away). 1
jen1447 Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 For clarification, is the situ here that she doesn't know you know all these specs about her ex and as far as she knows you're just asking all these questions off your own bat out of general curiosity? 1
Dirt Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 She's just not that sexually attracted to you. She's looking for a nice stable guy to check off marriage from her checklist. You're that chump. Stick up for yourself and move on. 1
ElizabethIII Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 She should not have told you all of this about her ex. It is inappropriate and disrespectful towards you. However, I experimented alot sexually with a partner from a couple of years ago. My bfs since then I have not even asked to do those things or felt any desire to do it again really. It might have been a phase for me. But it doesnt mean I dont like or am not attracted to the guys since that one. Not at all. 3
Gaeta Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 They were long distance and visited every 6 months. So she saw him what? 3 or 4 times top? Did it occured to you she did this to please him and it's not her thing? And with you she can be her true vanilla self. 1
SwordofFlame Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 She should not have told you all of this about her ex. It is inappropriate and disrespectful towards you. I can't fault OP here for wanting to enjoy the same sex that she told him about with her ex. If you don't want to do those things, why the hell would you tell your bf all this. It's incredibly disrespectful. If the reason she told him is because OP asked, well then...that's not something you should ask about. Some things are better left unsaid. 2
MarkIVSteel Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 They were long distance and visited every 6 months. So she saw him what? 3 or 4 times top? Did it occured to you she did this to please him and it's not her thing? And with you she can be her true vanilla self. Not necessarily.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 I don't know for certain what your gf is thinking, but YOU are certainly going to doom this relationship sooner than later if you don't get a grip. 1
Satu Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Retroactive jealousy is something that always makes cringe when somebody posts about it here. The pain that someone who is suffering retroactive jealousy feels, is real, but it's a completely pointless, self-created pain. What can you do about it? You can't change the past, so what can you do? What can you do? You can deal with it in yourself; because that is where its source is, and thats where it lives. So shut up about it, when you're talking with your girlfriend. You can't work through it with your girlfriend, because it doesn't belong to her. She can't help you with it. Don't bother her with it. You have to work through it all by yourself, because it's your problem, in you. And once more, for emphasis: Shut up about it. Take care. 1
Herbalist Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Well since I haven't seen it brought up yet, it's also totally possible that the wild sexuality side of her was fake. Like who the hell feels the need to show off to tumblr and twitter that they are having wild sex. "Look at my boyfriend's back, I scratched it up because I am having the best and wildest sex life ever, EVERYBODY ON TUMBLR LOOK!" And if you were able to find it, I'm guessing other people might be able to find it, like family or future employers. So what was really going on there, ya know? And unless you were grilling her for details, what was the point of explaining that she has had sex in X positions, outside, etc with her ex to you? Where did that even come from? And another thing that really stands out, she gets angry when you want to go down on her? That strongly hints at anxiety and shame issues. So I mean yeah, I agree with others, don't make it about you vs her ex. Forget the ex. But wanting to explore your sexuality together? Now that is healthy and makes sense. Being concerned that she gets angry when you want to sexually pleasure her? Again, makes sense. I recommend focusing on that, when you next talk with her about it. Express your concern in a loving way. Give it a genuine shot and try to have your empathy turned all the way up. Because the details of the situation hint at something other than her just not being attracted to you or whatever. But even if girlfriend does have some emotional issues relevant to the sex, she still needs to work on it. Hurt people, hurt people, ya know?
Buddhist Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Here's my advice. Focus on your relationship with her. It's the only thing you can do, anything else will drive a wedge between you. Who the hell cares what she did with someone else? Honestly your need to be the biggest and best of whatever in her life is about your own ego and nothing else. God if I were dating you I would have gotten rid of you the first time you broached the subject. It's an unhealthy preoccupation that yes it highly annoying for the other person. 1
Buddhist Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 And another thing that really stands out, she gets angry when you want to go down on her? That strongly hints at anxiety and shame issues. Or maybe that she's just pissed off that he's doing this as some sort of stupid competition and is probably going to grill her afterwards about how good it was or wasn't and then get butt hurt about her answer. Women get angry at being used as some kind of masturbatory toy, stupidly jealous partners and male sexual insecurity too. If they've already had this conversation once it's not too much of a stretch to realise that anything he does differently now is going to viewed through the lens of that conversation. He's not doing it because he wants to, he just wants to compete with some ex I had to prove something. Yuck. 1
Versacehottie Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 Well since I haven't seen it brought up yet, it's also totally possible that the wild sexuality side of her was fake. Like who the hell feels the need to show off to tumblr and twitter that they are having wild sex. "Look at my boyfriend's back, I scratched it up because I am having the best and wildest sex life ever, EVERYBODY ON TUMBLR LOOK!" And if you were able to find it, I'm guessing other people might be able to find it, like family or future employers. So what was really going on there, ya know? And unless you were grilling her for details, what was the point of explaining that she has had sex in X positions, outside, etc with her ex to you? Where did that even come from? And another thing that really stands out, she gets angry when you want to go down on her? That strongly hints at anxiety and shame issues. So I mean yeah, I agree with others, don't make it about you vs her ex. Forget the ex. But wanting to explore your sexuality together? Now that is healthy and makes sense. Being concerned that she gets angry when you want to sexually pleasure her? Again, makes sense. I recommend focusing on that, when you next talk with her about it. Express your concern in a loving way. Give it a genuine shot and try to have your empathy turned all the way up. Because the details of the situation hint at something other than her just not being attracted to you or whatever. But even if girlfriend does have some emotional issues relevant to the sex, she still needs to work on it. Hurt people, hurt people, ya know? I agree and said its possible it could be exaggerates, hence the reason to indicate it to the world/general public on tumblr.
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