Feels like something is missing

[LovelyLadyLove]

A few months ago I started dating a guy after a long stretch of being single. I met him through our mutual friend who we are both very good friends with. We started finding out that we had many hobbies and friends in common. In the beginning I enjoyed his company and I still do, we can have fun and laugh together. He was very sweet and accommodating to me in the beginning most of the time. But lately I've been starting to feel like an old shoe.

 

A few weeks ago I saw him scrolling through some scantly clad girl's Facebook photos on 2 different occasions while laying next to me in bed. The first time I didn't think much of it but the second time I confronted him about it. He thought I had no reason to be jealous or upset, gave no explanation of why he was looking at her pictures but just said that I shouldn't have to question what he does and he's never going to cheat on me. On several occasions I have had to correct him about saying things about other women in front of me that I felt were inappropriate. He even once told me a story about his ex wife's breasts bouncing around when he was driving his boat and how epic it was because they are so big. When I get upset about this he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, he tells me I'm the one with the problem that I'm insecure and have baggage. Yet I have no kids, a great job, own my home, never married. He's divorced, 1 kid, works out of town for long stretches and doesn't have a permanent home.

 

I question often if he is attracted to me sexually, he never even glances at me when I change my clothes in front of him, I even flashed him the other day and he just kept looking at his phone. He's turned me down for sex before leaving for 10 days to work out of town and just looked at fb instead of making love to me. I don't feel like he desires me, he doesn't flirt much, I usually initiate most of the touching. He often goes limp during sex or had a hard time gettin erect. I'm starting to wondering if I'm not his type. I often get compliments on my appearance so I don't think I'm ugly to others. I exercise and take care of my appearance. He doesn't tell me very often that I'm attractive unless I ask for the compliment, maybe 3 times a month if I ask him.

 

What really has me questioning everything is I recently had surgery and he came to the hospital and stayed with me. We don't live together, so when I was discharged I decided to go with him to a different city where he works and recover there so we could be together. For the 9 days I was there I felt lonely and he rarely comforted me, one or two short hugs and a small kiss. I had a little breakdown one day and cried because I was frustrated and tired of being in pain. He didn't hold me, caress me or comfort me, he just told me I wasn't handing it well and got irritated that I seemed depressed and he likes me better when I'm smiling. I was in chronic pain and on morphine so I wasn't my chipper smiling self. I asked him to grab me a water and something else the day after the surgery, he told me not to make a habit of it, so I didn't ask him to get me anything again. It really hurt just to stand up and sit down. I also asked him to rub my back because it was sore from being hunched over (appendix removal), he groaned and grunted and it never happened. I also asked him to rub my legs and he wouldn't. I just wanted someone to comfort me, but I was 5 hours from home with no vehicle and my dog. The doctor said to get up and move around a few times a day to promote healing, so I cooked us supper everyday and did all the dishes, which was a lot of effort for the shape I was in. But still I felt like a big inconvenience. I really don't feel like I was asking much. After I returned home and saw my friends I felt so much better and healed quickly. Now I'm left reflecting about it all and thinking about what happens if I get really sick or something happens to me? I don't want to ever feel that lonely again with my man by my side. I would have been way sweeter to him if the situation was reversed.

I'm having doubts and I'm confused as to what to do. I feel like so many people would be dissaponted if it doesn't work out, our friends and family, his parents are so kind to me. We have had fun times and we have lots in common, he tells me he loves me, but I just feel like something is missing. I want him to be passionate about me. Can this be fixed?

Edited November 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
op request~T

[Birdies]

A few months in and he's being this selfish to you? Save yourself the trouble and move on!

Edited November 15, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[Buddhist]

He just doesn't sound very mature and quite self absorbed to be honest. If this is the kind of guy you want in your life then realise that you've gotten your wish. If you want more for yourself then leave him. It's that simple. ILY's really mean nothing at all if the rest of the relationship is devoid of the things that matter to you.

 

On a side note, it was a mistake to leave the hospital and spend time with him immediately after. You needed to be focused on your healing not running after a boyfriend. Sorry, but I don't have better news for you. Mostly you can't negotiate someone into being something they are not. Which is what I think your situation is about in all honesty. You can't nag and whine a man into being more caring, they will just see you as a burden. Go find yourself someone who is actually caring to begin with.

[LovelyLadyLove]

Thanks for the feedback, I wasn't actually running after him. I thought it would be good for my healing to be with him and in my mind I pictured him helping out with things. I live alone so I thought this was a good choice. It was much different than I expected. I regretted my decision.

[olivetree]

You can do A LOT better.

 

It is all him. You are not expecting too much. Find a man that makes you feel beautiful, desired, and adored.

[oldshirt]

I don't think this can be "fixed" because I'm not there is actually anything wrong. I think this just how he is.

 

This doesn't really sound like a relationship issue and it's certainly not a communication issue and it doesn't sound like he is mistreating you or indulging in any bad behaviors. He is simply not a caring and nurturing person.

 

I think this is his character and his persona.

 

It's not that he's a bad person or doing anything wrong, he is simply not a nuturing and warm and fuzzy kind of person.

 

The purpose of dating is to spend time with someone to get to know them and see if you are compatible enough to have a home and family with.

 

I think you got a good insight into how he will be for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health.

 

If it is important to you that your mate be kind and nurturing and caregiving, you have your answer.

[Gr8fuln2020]

GIVE THIS GUY THE BOOT! Forget your pride and give this guy the heave-ho and not worry about what your mutual friends think. Really...

 

I met him through our mutual friend who we are both very good friends with.

 

He's not acting this way b/c of you. He's always been a ding-a-ling! This is who he is and I am shocked that your mutual friends didn't know about his character and warned you about getting involved.

[thecrucible]

Hm he sounds like some guys I have known in the past. Someone replied here and said he is simply not a caring kind of person but not a bad person. I respectfully disagree because I think the way he is acting points to something bigger about his character. He is not attentive and it's quite trashy to sit scrolling other girls' photos in front of you. He also makes inappropriate comments about other women (can you give us examples of some?). This guy sounds like an ex I had who would tell me inappropriate things about girls he fancied and would blatantly ogle them in front of me. OP, I'd worry if I were you that he'd be treating me as a means to an end and on a second tier to these women he fantasises about...And that says nothing about you and your appearance. Some guys just have an inflated ego.

[Gr8fuln2020]

I think this is his character and his persona.

 

It's not that he's a bad person or doing anything wrong, he is simply not a nuturing and warm and fuzzy kind of person.

 

He's a jack-wagon....aka 'jerk', 'bad person.' He has PROACTIVELY and WITH INTENT engaged in activity that is just down right crappy....uh, bad person.

[Blanco]

I know our optics about our own partner and relationship can vastly skew what's reality, but I read posts like this and am still taken aback by how we so often allow ourselves to justify and overlook behavior we would never want our friends or loved ones to deem acceptable.

 

Sorry, his behavior sounds like that of the "Take my wife, please" stereotypical dude who wants a lady in his life, but can't be bothered to consider her wants and needs, especially if it conflicts with what he wants.

[oldshirt]

He's a jack-wagon....aka 'jerk', 'bad person.' He has PROACTIVELY and WITH INTENT engaged in activity that is just down right crappy....uh, bad person.

 

My point is he hasn't abused her, mistreated her, cheated on her etc as far as we know.

 

He just isn't a warm, caring, nurturing, thoughtful, care-giving person.

 

If that makes him a jack wagon or jerk etc then so be it.

[Redhead14]

A few months ago I started dating a guy after a long stretch of being single. I met him through our mutual friend who we are both very good friends with. We started finding out that we had many hobbies and friends in common. In the beginning I enjoyed his company and I still do, we can have fun and laugh together. He was very sweet and accommodating to me in the beginning most of the time. But lately I've been starting to feel like an old shoe.

 

A few weeks ago I saw him scrolling through some scantly clad girl's Facebook photos on 2 different occasions while laying next to me in bed. The first time I didn't think much of it but the second time I confronted him about it. He thought I had no reason to be jealous or upset, gave no explanation of why he was looking at her pictures but just said that I shouldn't have to question what he does and he's never going to cheat on me. On several occasions I have had to correct him about saying things about other women in front of me that I felt were inappropriate. He even once told me a story about his ex wife's breasts bouncing around when he was driving his boat and how epic it was because they are so big. When I get upset about this he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, he tells me I'm the one with the problem that I'm insecure and have baggage. Yet I have no kids, a great job, own my home, never married. He's divorced, 1 kid, works out of town for long stretches and doesn't have a permanent home.

 

I question often if he is attracted to me sexually, he never even glances at me when I change my clothes in front of him, I even flashed him the other day and he just kept looking at his phone. He's turned me down for sex before leaving for 10 days to work out of town and just looked at fb instead of making love to me. I don't feel like he desires me, he doesn't flirt much, I usually initiate most of the touching. He often goes limp during sex or had a hard time gettin erect. I'm starting to wondering if I'm not his type. I often get compliments on my appearance so I don't think I'm ugly to others. I exercise and take care of my appearance. He doesn't tell me very often that I'm attractive unless I ask for the compliment, maybe 3 times a month if I ask him.

 

What really has me questioning everything is I recently had surgery and he came to the hospital and stayed with me. We don't live together, so when I was discharged I decided to go with him to a different city where he works and recover there so we could be together. For the 9 days I was there I felt lonely and he rarely comforted me, one or two short hugs and a small kiss. I had a little breakdown one day and cried because I was frustrated and tired of being in pain. He didn't hold me, caress me or comfort me, he just told me I wasn't handing it well and got irritated that I seemed depressed and he likes me better when I'm smiling. I was in chronic pain and on morphine so I wasn't my chipper smiling self. I asked him to grab me a water and something else the day after the surgery, he told me not to make a habit of it, so I didn't ask him to get me anything again. It really hurt just to stand up and sit down. I also asked him to rub my back because it was sore from being hunched over (appendix removal), he groaned and grunted and it never happened. I also asked him to rub my legs and he wouldn't. I just wanted someone to comfort me, but I was 5 hours from home with no vehicle and my dog. The doctor said to get up and move around a few times a day to promote healing, so I cooked us supper everyday and did all the dishes, which was a lot of effort for the shape I was in. But still I felt like a big inconvenience. I really don't feel like I was asking much. After I returned home and saw my friends I felt so much better and healed quickly. Now I'm left reflecting about it all and thinking about what happens if I get really sick or something happens to me? I don't want to ever feel that lonely again with my man by my side. I would have been way sweeter to him if the situation was reversed.

I'm having doubts and I'm confused as to what to do. I feel like so many people would be dissaponted if it doesn't work out, our friends and family, his parents are so kind to me. We have had fun times and we have lots in common, he tells me he loves me, but I just feel like something is missing. I want him to be passionate about me. Can this be fixed?

 

I'm having doubts and I'm confused as to what to do. -- He is emotionally unavailable, selfish and inconsiderate. What's to be confused about?

 

And, who cares if everyone else would be disappointed if it doesn't work out. The only one you should care about is YOU!!!!!

 

You don't love him, you love who you wish he would be and he's not going to change. This is who he is.

 

I don't want to ever feel that lonely again with my man by my side. -- You will feel lonely in this relationship if you stay with him and not just if you're sick. I would rather be alone than alone in a relationship.

 

Move on and start today . . .