shaa Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 He is 38yo. I am 28yo. We met online a few months ago. He is a very handsome entrepreneur who lives a private, regular, and low-profile life. He’s very independent. Never married. No kids. Most people would assume he is a womanizer. We dated intensively for a month, then we both left the country for work. Now I am back but he is still abroad for another two months. From the very first date I already knew his job requires him to work abroad. There is also a small possibility that he would need to base in another country for long in near future, but he is not the one calling the shot so there is no point to ask for a final answer. Most of all, my intuition tells me he is not actively looking for a relationship given his baggage and lifestyle, so I just decided to date him casually because he is so gorgeous. Most of our dates were just Netflix and chill. We were definitely comfortable with each other’s existence under the same roof, and we talked about our families and friends. But we both avoided any kind of future talk at that time. I also felt we were both holding back. Long story short, I fall for him when he is away. I tried my best not to, but it happened anyway. Based on our on and off interaction when we are apart, I get the idea that he is not dating other people, he is not hooking up, and his life is just about work and spending time with his family there. I trust him. In fact, I think he tries to reassure me that he is having no fun there, because he could sense my doubt even when I never asked anything. A while ago he told me he missed me. And later when I told him I liked him, he also said he really liked me. All there happened when we were apart. However, there is still no talk about whether we are together or not. For my part, I would like to be together with him – at least to the point that I could tell my family and friends that we are together now. I don’t have a timetable on wedding and childbirth though. But here are my concerns: 1) He seems not jealous about the fact that I dated other guys while he was away. In fact, he sounded interested about what happened between me and those guys. I didn’t feel a hint of men’s primitive urge to mark his territory from him. 2) Most of the time I initiate the conversation when we are apart (only texting, because he hates phone calls). But he usually replies. I know his pattern of response very well. I also know when he will not reply. In general he doesn’t talk much, so it is not surprising to me that he sees no point in texting. But still, as a woman I need some words to make me feel he cares about me and thinks about me. 3) He seems detached and cold, but his character reminds me a lot of my father – both are absolutely incapable of showing their emotions, especially affection, which causes a lot of harm to the partner in a long-run. 4) No relationship talk after we both acknowledged our feelings toward each other. We are not the type that plays game. He admits that he doesn’t think that having relationship is the most awesome thing in life, but then again, he never says he is not looking for a relationship either. He talked about his fear of growing old alone without a family, but he also cannot see himself being a father in a few years. So my main question is, how likely is he serious about me? At his age I assume he would seize his chance if he is serious about me, but so far I don’t feel that… I’d very much appreciate some advice from people of his age group. Thanks! (If this matters: I am not out of his league, except he is probably much better off than me.)
BDJ_1 Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 I don’t have a timetable on wedding and childbirth though. I should hope not, you have been casually dating for a month. He's not interested in anything long term with you (or probably anyone), but you are with him. Do with that information what you will. 4
olivetree Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 His actions show that he is only interested in something casual with you. Since you want something else, this is a no go. More importantly though, why would you want to pursue a relationship with someone who you know is cold like your father? You acknowledge that it is very harmful. People are often attracted to those who are just like a parent who also did not give them what they needed growing up. It's a recipe for heartbreak. I think you need to dig into yourself a little more and reroute your attraction to men will provide love, not make you chase it.
JellyTot Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 In my experience, a guy who is interested in you will make it very clear that he's interested and will actively pursue you. This guy isn't doing that. He may be replying when you initiate contact, but he isn't chasing you. He apparently isn't bothered about you dating other men, he isn't showing you any emotion, and he hasn't expressed any interest in having a relationship with you. This probably isn't what you want to hear. You obviously want him to express emotion and interest in a relationship with you, and you're trying to justify why he isn't doing that. You're coming up with excuses because it's difficult to accept that this handsome successful man who you want so much, doesn't want you. It's hard but you need to be brutally honest with yourself and look at the facts: in the past he was interested in hooking up casually but he has given you no indication that he wants a relationship with you, or that he even wants to continue hooking up. You're the one who's chasing him and he's not reciprocating. My advice: stop contacting him and if he's interested then I guarantee he'll contact you. But I wouldn't hold my breath. 1
Scarlett.O'hara Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 So my main question is, how likely is he serious about me? You want the brutal truth, he isn't serious about you. He likes you, sure, but nothing you have written indicates that he is interested in anything long term with you. According to you, you initiate the majority of the communication, he doesn't seem concerned about you dating other men, taking you out on actual dates, or making it official. Look at his actions, not his words. It sounds like just a bit of casual fun which works well within the context of his lifestyle. He is free to date others as well. You may not think that he does, but the point is he can if he wants to. It would be a mistake to assume that he looks at things the same way as you based on his age. He may say having relationship is the most awesome thing in life but he didn't specify that he wanted that with you (which is important). I'm sorry if that hurts to hear but you need to start thinking with your head, not your heart or you will end up getting hurt.
smackie9 Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 I say you are hoping for nothing. He's a lazy dater, is happy with the bare minimum, doesn't put much effort into it, and lacks real interest. All you are doing is gathering up what little crumbs he drops, to try and make a cake.
Author shaa Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 Thanks y'all. I knew it was a no go. Like I said, I tried really hard not to fall for him. Deleted his number a few times, no contact and stuff like that can go on. Long story short again, he now should know perfectly clear I am serious about him, but he still says he likes me. Why? For what practical purpose does it serve when there is no chance to have sex? As a matter of fact, even when he comes back, I've already moved to another city. Of course he can 'keep' a potential ****buddy with no cost, but still, why the trouble when he has no trouble getting other girls any time? Just to understand the psychology. Not to pursue him - I basically said I liked him expecting a "no I don't want a relationship" from him, so that I can move on. To my surprise he didn't, which is why I am frustrated now.
ElizabethIII Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 He is an entrepreneur? What is that supposed to mean? Is isnt a job title. It generally means unemployed or trying to set something up that hasnt worked out yet. I'd be wary of him. You have known him a month, he doesnt seem interested.
thecrucible Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 For what practical purpose does it serve when there is no chance to have sex? As a matter of fact, even when he comes back, I've already moved to another city. Of course he can 'keep' a potential ****buddy with no cost, but still, why the trouble when he has no trouble getting other girls any time? Perhaps to have you on the back-burner and while he is away the relationship doesn't feel real to him? I think if a guy really likes you, he can't stand to not be with you. I doubt the texting feels like a real investment for him. It would be more effort from him if he called you even though he doesn't like it rather than doing it on his terms. When you went no contact, how did it come about that you started talking again? I basically said I liked him expecting a "no I don't want a relationship" from him, so that I can move on. To my surprise he didn't, which is why I am frustrated now. Sometimes you don't get a final answer from guys but they are quite happy to have you on a string while you are getting frustrated about their lack of transparency and interest.
Versacehottie Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 He is an entrepreneur? What is that supposed to mean? Is isnt a job title. It generally means unemployed or trying to set something up that hasnt worked out yet. I'd be wary of him. You have known him a month, he doesnt seem interested. I know lots of entrepreneurs. While I have never given them a full-on questioning about what they use as their official job title, they do really well. There is nothing the OP said that leads me to believe that her guy doesn't do well & isn't what he says he is. Most entrepreneurs have the pressure, drive and passion to make their companies or businesses succeed. There are often a lot of employees counting on them and many things at stake. They are typically go-getters who can be extremely work-focused in general or at the specific point at which their business is thriving (or yes on the way up). My guess is that he may care more about his business at this point and that as a priority vs any girl--I've known several guys like this.
ElizabethIII Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 I know lots of entrepreneurs. While I have never given them a full-on questioning about what they use as their official job title, they do really well. There is nothing the OP said that leads me to believe that her guy doesn't do well & isn't what he says he is. Most entrepreneurs have the pressure, drive and passion to make their companies or businesses succeed. There are often a lot of employees counting on them and many things at stake. They are typically go-getters who can be extremely work-focused in general or at the specific point at which their business is thriving (or yes on the way up). My guess is that he may care more about his business at this point and that as a priority vs any girl--I've known several guys like this. The definition of it is this: a person who sets up a business or businesses, taking on financial risks in the hope of profit If his business is set up then he isnt an entrepreneur anymore, he can name his business and his job. If he is calling himself that then he hasnt set up yet. It might be a cultural thing as where I come from calling yourself an entrepreneur is equivalent to saying you dont have a job and are engaged in a risky venture. I will never think myself having too high expectation again though as she is talking about timetables for marriage when this guy hasnt called with any regularity.
Versacehottie Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 The definition of it is this: a person who sets up a business or businesses, taking on financial risks in the hope of profit If his business is set up then he isnt an entrepreneur anymore, he can name his business and his job. If he is calling himself that then he hasnt set up yet. It might be a cultural thing as where I come from calling yourself an entrepreneur is equivalent to saying you dont have a job and are engaged in a risky venture. I will never think myself having too high expectation again though as she is talking about timetables for marriage when this guy hasnt called with any regularity. Lol, i know the definition. Not going to nitpick about when a person changes what they tell people they do, as that's not how it happens in real life either. You are splitting hairs and changing the subject of this thread. If the OP wants to add information that says part of her issue with this guy is that she doesn't believe he really is the businessman he claims he is, than she is welcome to add that information. So far she hasn't claimed that is the issue at all.
JellyTot Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 For what practical purpose does it serve when there is no chance to have sex? As a matter of fact, even when he comes back, I've already moved to another city. Of course he can 'keep' a potential ****buddy with no cost, but still, why the trouble when he has no trouble getting other girls any time? Sometimes a guy wants to keep his options open and not burn bridges unnecessarily. Sometimes he just doesn't know how to say he isn't interested without hurting you. Sometimes he feels guilty for having taken advantage of you and doesn't want to hurt you even more by just cutting you off. Sometimes he chooses to back away slowly and wait for you to lose interest, because it's easier than manning up and telling you he wants to end it. Sometimes you never get an answer or the closure you want, and you have to create your own closure by putting it behind you and moving on. 1
Author shaa Posted November 16, 2016 Author Posted November 16, 2016 Sometimes a guy wants to keep his options open and not burn bridges unnecessarily. Sometimes he just doesn't know how to say he isn't interested without hurting you. Sometimes he feels guilty for having taken advantage of you and doesn't want to hurt you even more by just cutting you off. Sometimes he chooses to back away slowly and wait for you to lose interest, because it's easier than manning up and telling you he wants to end it. Sometimes you never get an answer or the closure you want, and you have to create your own closure by putting it behind you and moving on. Thanks. This makes a lot of sense. I will move on.
Author shaa Posted November 16, 2016 Author Posted November 16, 2016 When you went no contact, how did it come about that you started talking again? When he had something to ask or something reminds him of me, he would initiate the conversation. My gut tells me that he does like me, but he is too much of a coward to step up. If he's my age I would do more to "encourage" him because he probably has a lot of practical reasons not to pursue, but for a mature guy like him such cowardice is a choice.
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