I think I may have ruined my relationship

[frus69]

I'm really curious how all the people who are going on and on about their "emotional maturity" would have handled OP's situation. Because there's a lot of talk about what he did wrong. Was he just supposed to dump her the second she gained weight? Was he supposed to grin and bear it, even though he was no longer attracted to his girlfriend?

 

This is different than OP's girlfriend just gaining a couple pounds, or wearing comfy clothes at home. She gained weight to the point where OP wasn't attracted to her, and she wouldn't even bother to do her hair or wear nice clothes when they went on vacation. She let herself go, plain and simple.

 

There's nothing wrong with having standards.

 

Women can't accept the fact that men like pretty things. Once the OP loses interests they start bashing him for not being able to truely love. They say "she can't even get comfortable for a minute now?!"

But she wasn't just comfortable for one minute, it's been forever, and not just her weight now, it's her hair,clothes,makeups, drinking, eating, life style etc etc. if she had taken care of her appearance I'm sure 15lbs is nothing, she'd still look nice. But she let herself go altogether and it's everything combined that probably made her very undesirable now.

If my BF started to get fat and smelly all the time , sorry I can't keep my attraction either.

It's probably helpful to help her with her stress and once that's gone she may be able to start a healthy lifestyle and get pretty again

[Byron12]

The OP won't confirm how much she got bigger. He says it might be 10, 20, or 30....it was enough to turn him off.

 

The OP doesn't sound like a shallow creep. Would a shallow creep be begging this girl for forgiveness and trying to send her flowers?

 

Looks like the OP doesn't have much luck with the ladies, landed someone who knows that and probably was sorta "ok" when they began dating. And, now that she's comfortable, she's taking advantage of him not having much luck with the ladies so that she can get lazy and make demands on him.

A shallow guy wouldn't have posted here, he probably wouldn't have spent one day dating the OP's gf. But great job on beating him up and making him out to being a jerk.

 

I appreciate your recognition that I'm not a shallow creep, but you're wrong on this bolded piece and I'm not sure what you're getting at.

[Gloria25]

A moderate weight gain would not even be an issue for me, so this situation doesn't apply to my own. But in cases where my partner has repeatedly, over a long period of time demonstrated that they are incapable of being a compatible match with me, have been instances in which I have ended the relationship. Not not the first instance, but after many instances.

 

And no there is nothing wrong with having standards, but typically it's not a very successful strategy to try and impress your standards upon other people. It generally breaks down the relationship. You either take people as they are, and put up with the trivial issues that inevitably occur or you end the relationship acknowledging they are not the person for you.

 

He didn't impose anything. Gf asked what's turning him off, he said your weight and appearance. She can stay with him or leave.

 

Oh, no, she didn't. She broke into tears and labeled him a creep.

 

Ummm, sounds like she's the one imposing her standards on him.

[Gloria25]

I appreciate your recognition that I'm not a shallow creep, but you're wrong on this bolded piece and I'm not sure what you're getting at.

 

We can only assume and opine based on our knowledge and experiences.

 

May I ask why are you tolerating this manipulation if you can do better. I mean, there are women out there who are nice and take care of themselves. You haven't been with your gf that long to feel like you're losing out on a prize here.

 

Hey, but this is your decision at the end of the day. You said there's so much else about her that makes her a keeper...so, the weight and slacking is something you'll be willing to overlook.

[BaileyB]

Byron, you have shown yourself to be a very nice man. You have admitted that you made a mistake and made an insensitive comment, you have been seeking advice and I believe you have really considered some of the thoughts and opinions expressed in the discussion, you have acted maturely by apologizing for the hurt you've caused and tried to make amends.

 

We all make mistakes. Nobody is ever perfect, especially in relationships. I'm sorry that you have had this experience, but I believe you will have grown into a better man because of it.

 

This talk of maturity, speaking only for myself now, is not directed at you but at some of the other posters who have contributed to this discussion. These posters have given bad advice and shown themselves to be completely unrealistic with their expectations. They have shared an arrogant and entitled attitude toward women and relationships and they have voiced their opinions in a manner that can best be described as ignorant and consistent with a child throwing a tantrum. Whether they are doing it because they think it is funny or whether they are seeking attention and conflict, they are best ignored. And, you've risen above the comments - well done!

 

As for advice moving forward, you've sent your apology. You've given her time. If you wanted to send her some flowers and a note, you certainly could. But, at a certain point, you need to ask yourself how far you plan to take this. I will say, I would undeniably be hurt if my boyfriend commented on my appearance/weight gain, but because I love him, I would see your attempts to make amends and forgive. The fact that she is giving you the silent treatment and has been, to this point, unwilling to hear your apology is an immature and not particularly kind response from her. If you give it more time and she doesn't respond to you, you will have to decide when to move on... Because, what she's doing to you right now isn't actually very nice either. Do you get what I'm saying?

Edited November 16, 2016 by BaileyB

[SwordofFlame]

OP, you could do better. There are plenty of women out there that wont let themselves go once they're comfortable in a relationship. Judging by her silence, this one doesn't look repairable anyway.

[MarkIVSteel]

She's out there f*cking other men and you're on here moping, sending apology texts to her, thinking of sending flowers and letters to her.

 

Grow some self esteem. She is not the best you can do. There are plenty of fish out in the sea.

 

Think about this. If you could go out there and approach many women and land dates with a couple of them, would you really worry about one giving you the silent treatment? Of course not.

 

Lack of options is killing your mindset but you're just too blind to see it.

[elaine567]

She's out there f*cking other men and you're on here moping, sending apology texts to her, thinking of sending flowers and letters to her.

 

 

Oh dear, there is no evidence whatsoever that this woman is out there sleeping with other men. That it very skewed thinking.

SHE was NOT the one who didn't want to have sex here, HE didn't want to have sex with her and he then told her it was because she was not sexually attractive to him.

Her self esteem took a good kicking here, I doubt she will feel able to have sex with another man for quite some time.

[BaileyB]

She's out there f*cking other men and you're on here moping, sending apology texts to her, thinking of sending flowers and letters to her.[/Quote]

 

There is absolutely no evidence that she is dating or sleeping with other men. This comment is ignorant and disrespectful.

Edited November 17, 2016 by BaileyB

[Els]

NO! Don't do this. He's already reached out multiple times with the same answer in response. Give her the space as she has requested.

 

Oh, did he? Sorry, I must have missed that. In that case, yeah, he should definitely give her space and prepare for it to be over. One reach-out is more than sufficient.

[Byron12]

Update: just got out of my session with my therapist and he said the ball is actually now in my court, if I've done the soul searching required to assess whether I want to continue in this relationship. If so, he said I should consider sending her a heartfelt letter even though we're in a break.

 

At this point, I'd send her anything to get her back.

[Els]

I'm really curious how all the people who are going on and on about their "emotional maturity" would have handled OP's situation. Because there's a lot of talk about what he did wrong. Was he just supposed to dump her the second she gained weight? Was he supposed to grin and bear it, even though he was no longer attracted to his girlfriend?

 

This is different than OP's girlfriend just gaining a couple pounds, or wearing comfy clothes at home. She gained weight to the point where OP wasn't attracted to her, and she wouldn't even bother to do her hair or wear nice clothes when they went on vacation. She let herself go, plain and simple.

 

There's nothing wrong with having standards.

 

He did not mention what they did on vacation. Based on what he described their hobbies as, the vacation sounds outdoorsy and active, not being pampered in a villa. I don't know what your experience with women is, but it's fairly normal to dress down for active vacations, because you need to wear something comfortable that you can walk in for 12 hours.

 

Also, he mentioned 'a few pounds', which you cannot fault us for taking literally (did he ever clarify how many?). There is also no mention of her letting her hygiene slide, so I can't understand all the 'fat and smelly' comparisons.

 

Anyway, to answer your question, there are ways to encourage dressing up that don't involve what the OP did. My guy doesn't dress up very often, and neither do I, but we do dress up when we go out on nice dinner dates or to events like the theatre/orchestra. So it stands to reason that if you want to see your partner dressed-up, arrange for that sort of dates.

 

Also, it's a reciprocal thing - one partner dressing up and treating the other like a lady/gentleman tends to encourage the other partner to do so. So my second suggestion, should the OP find himself in this situation again, would be for him to put more effort into his own attire (nice shirt and dress pants, dress shoes, etc), and treat her like a lady when they go out on dates.

[TheTraveler]

She's out there f*cking other men and you're on here moping, sending apology texts to her, thinking of sending flowers and letters to her.

 

I had to laugh. It's only been two maybe 3 days since he called his girlfriend a fatty.

 

You are right on one thing. She is going to analyze EVERYTHING in their relationship. And maybe Jim Bob at work or John Buck at the grocery ain't so bad because he's always sweet.

[frus69]

Update: just got out of my session with my therapist and he said the ball is actually now in my court, if I've done the soul searching required to assess whether I want to continue in this relationship. If so, he said I should consider sending her a heartfelt letter even though we're in a break.

 

At this point, I'd send her anything to get her back.

 

I'm surprised she needs so much time to process , to the point I start to doubt it's really about her appearance now. If she doesn't forgive you after you reach out I honestly would think she is actually using this to find a way out

[TheTraveler]

I'm surprised she needs so much time to process , to the point I start to doubt it's really about her appearance now. If she doesn't forgive you after you reach out I honestly would think she is actually using this to find a way out

 

The longer this goes, there's definitely the possibility of another man she's consoling in...and it doesn't take long for one thing to lead to another.

[LD1990]

He did not mention what they did on vacation. Based on what he described their hobbies as, the vacation sounds outdoorsy and active, not being pampered in a villa. I don't know what your experience with women is, but it's fairly normal to dress down for active vacations, because you need to wear something comfortable that you can walk in for 12 hours.

 

Dressing down doesn't mean you have to wear baggy clothes. I've seen plenty of women dress in a way where they're comfortable, while still looking good.

 

Also, he mentioned 'a few pounds', which you cannot fault us for taking literally (did he ever clarify how many?). There is also no mention of her letting her hygiene slide, so I can't understand all the 'fat and smelly' comparisons.

 

He said 10-15, then said for all he knows it could be 15 or 30. The two possibilities are she gained a lot of weight, or she gained a small amount which killed his attraction to her. Either way, they shouldn't be together.

 

Who said anything about smelly?

 

Anyway, to answer your question, there are ways to encourage dressing up that don't involve what the OP did. My guy doesn't dress up very often, and neither do I, but we do dress up when we go out on nice dinner dates or to events like the theatre/orchestra. So it stands to reason that if you want to see your partner dressed-up, arrange for that sort of dates.

 

Also, it's a reciprocal thing - one partner dressing up and treating the other like a lady/gentleman tends to encourage the other partner to do so. So my second suggestion, should the OP find himself in this situation again, would be for him to put more effort into his own attire (nice shirt and dress pants, dress shoes, etc), and treat her like a lady when they go out on dates.

 

A good idea, but it doesn't solve the weight issue. I suppose he could always sign the two of them up for a marathon.

 

The longer this goes, there's definitely the possibility of another man she's consoling in...and it doesn't take long for one thing to lead to another.

 

Pretty much. I'm sure she's testing the waters and seeing what's out there. If she finds someone better she'll extend this break, if not she'll come back to her now thoroughly whipped boyfriend.

[Els]

Either way, they shouldn't be together.

 

I think most of us agree with that.

 

Who said anything about smelly?

Quite a few people did. I think there was a poster a few pages back who said 'if my bf became fat and smelly...'. Which is kinda a moot point because we don't know if she is even genuinely overweight, and 'being smelly' is very different from not doing your hair.

 

A good idea, but it doesn't solve the weight issue. I suppose he could always sign the two of them up for a marathon.

Yes. There are plenty of ways to encourage someone to exercise together. Basically, the point is that if you want your partner to do something, you gotta do it first. You want her to dress up? Book a date at a nice place, buy yourself a nicely-fitted shirt and pants/shoes that look good, and wear that while out with her. You want her to work out more? Work out with her. So on and so forth.

 

This (catching more flies with honey) is a pretty basic relationship skill. Always go for positive encouragement first. If being with a very fit and well-dressed person is important to him, then he needs to put in extra effort for that.

Edited November 17, 2016 by Elswyth

[MarkIVSteel]

She wants to take a "break" because she wants to keep OP as a safety net.

Edited November 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T

[Buddhist]

The hysteria on this thread is completely out of hand.

 

- she guzzled her way into looking like a beached whale

- no longer takes care of herself, wears sweat pants everywhere, it's just hideous, her boyfriend can't even look at her.

- but still attractive enough to be out on the town, boyfriend hunting, getting ego boosts from random men, living it up at bars....apparently.

 

The guys on this thread can't even keep their story straight. When one of them doesn't pan out they're clutching at straws making up whatever stories to convince themselves she's the spawn of the devil. So what is it guys? She's a porker and physically repulsive or out on the prowl for new dick? Because those stories don't go together, ya know!. All 'substantiated' by the incriminating evidence of not texting her BF when he wants. Jeebus H Christ. Worse than the old ladies at the church gossiping.

 

I guess it is a possibility though when you tell your partner she's physically repulsing you and you don't want to touch her anymore that she may decide to find someone who's isn't repulsed by her, extra (unquantified) pounds and all.

[Sweetfish]

I'm really curious how all the people who are going on and on about their "emotional maturity" would have handled OP's situation. Because there's a lot of talk about what he did wrong. Was he just supposed to dump her the second she gained weight? Was he supposed to grin and bear it, even though he was no longer attracted to his girlfriend?

 

This is different than OP's girlfriend just gaining a couple pounds, or wearing comfy clothes at home. She gained weight to the point where OP wasn't attracted to her, and she wouldn't even bother to do her hair or wear nice clothes when they went on vacation. She let herself go, plain and simple.

 

There's nothing wrong with having standards.

 

It's called DOUBLE STANDARDS.. because when a guy does something equivalent he is a low life. If a women tells a guy multiple times they don't like something and he gets dumped it's justified.

[LD1990]

The guys on this thread can't even keep their story straight. When one of them doesn't pan out they're clutching at straws making up whatever stories to convince themselves she's the spawn of the devil. So what is it guys? She's a porker and physically repulsive or out on the prowl for new dick? Because those stories don't go together, ya know!

 

They go together just fine, if you're bright enough to realize that what's physically repulsive for one guy is good enough for 10 others.

[Buddhist]

They go together just fine, if you're bright enough to realize that what's physically repulsive for one guy is good enough for 10 others.

 

And yet not one shred of evidence anywhere that any of these imagined things are actually happening. The only thing the OP has confirmed is that he called his GF fat and unattractive and she's not talking to him now. Not really the surprise reaction of the century from her.

 

But that doesn't stop the chicken little's on this thread from making up wild stories based purely on their own imaginings. Carry on, I've book marked this thread for the next time someone tells me men are logical and rational.

[elaine567]

I'm surprised she needs so much time to process , to the point I start to doubt it's really about her appearance now. If she doesn't forgive you after you reach out I honestly would think she is actually using this to find a way out

 

She doesn't need to "use" this as an excuse to find a way out, this is a major transgression.

The whole point of dating (as opposed to friendship) is finding each other sexually attractive and he just told her he can't have sex with her due to not finding her attractive.

I guess there is no way back from that.

I doubt any of the men here who are trying to minimize this, would like that either.

"Sorry sex is off the menu, I am no longer attracted to you..." I wonder how long they would stick around after that news was delivered?

 

On what basis can this really continue? A few of the major pillars of the relationship just crumbled to the ground. Trust, love, intimacy and respect all gone in an instant.

 

She is stressed at work, she is finding life tough and she needs the support of her bf and all he does is criticize her appearance and put her down, by telling her he can't have sex with her, as she is not attractive to him any longer...

That is not the stuff of a real caring relationship. How can she ever rely on him going forward?

She now knows she can't.

The one guy in the world, who is supposed to build her up and make her feel able to take on the world and be always by her side, just showed her his true colours. Instead of doing all that, he chose to hurt her, and that is why she has requested the break.

 

She may persuade herself to put a band-aid on this and give him a second chance, but he just stabbed the relationship in the heart and that wound, I guess, will ultimately prove fatal.

[BaileyB]

And yet not one shred of evidence anywhere that any of these imagined things are actually happening. The only thing the OP has confirmed is that he called his GF fat and unattractive and she's not talking to him now. Not really the surprise reaction of the century from her.

 

But that doesn't stop the chicken little's on this thread from making up wild stories based purely on their own imaginings. Carry on, I've book marked this thread for the next time someone tells me men are logical and rational.

 

So true. Worse than the ladies at church!

 

Like a game of telephone... "What, he told her she had let herself go."

"Yeah, I heard she gained 30 pounds?"

"She must be sitting at home eating Donuts all day?"

"I heard she never leaves the house, she's so fat now!"

"Really, because I saw her on the street last night with another guy!"

"She must be sleeping with this other guy. There is no other explain action."

"He should go find another woman to bang. And, he should find someone who looks like a supermodel with big breasts!"

"All because she let herself go and gained 60 pounds. She'll be hard pressed to find another man to date her!"

"You are so right, but he can have all the sex he wants now!"

 

The discussion in this thread has been ridiculous! I find it hard to believe that people can be so silly...

Edited November 17, 2016 by BaileyB

[Byron12]

I sent her a text last night that I was thinking about her a lot and miss her. Just wanted her to know I can't get her out of my mind. She actually replied today saying she's thinking about me too but has a lot on her mind and that she'd let me know when she's ready to talk. I hope that's a positive sign.

 

Not going to send any flowers - think it sends the wrong message now that I've given it some thought. I'm just going to back away 100% now and let her do the thinking she needs to do. I've done my soul-searching and know that I want her back. I want to treat her the way she deserves to be treated and will do anything to get our relationship back to where it was. Long shot, but one can hope.