I think I may have ruined my relationship

[Zapbasket]

Uh, the guys that you described as saying hurtful things to you? Ever consider that they were nitpicking you cuz of their own insecurities?

 

That's EXACTLY what it was.

 

That's why over the years I have gotten picky when it comes to men, cuz you give a guy who's lacking this/that a chance and usually they feel inadequate around you and sometimes it comes out in them being abusive and controlling.

 

You just described all my relationships until now!

 

So, we women don't have to tolerate physical flaws in men, but cuz of us being less visual and able to become attached to a guy for more than his looks (ie good provider, sweet, etc.), we're more forgiving when it comes to looks.

 

Exactly. And what's so frustrating is that when average-looking guys who have flaws like balding, belly fat, loads of body hair, imperfect teeth, too short, man boobs, etc. feel entitled to a girlfriend with a perfect body and criticize her flaws, you can't exactly turn around and say, "Well, lemme tell you, you're not exactly the hottest dude!" Because anyway, for us, those flaws don't matter, when you are really in love with a man. And vice versa.

[Byron12]

Whether it's 15 lbs or 30 lbs, I'm not sure. In any event, it's been noticeable.

 

All that aside...

 

The last three replies hit straight to the gut. I can totally empathize with how she must be feeling right now - especially on the no sex piece. I really phrased things so poorly and it's killing me inside.

 

I love her too much to let her go. I don't know why, but it's taken the last couple days for me to realize what I'm about to lose. I want to have a chance to appreciate, support, and love her more than ever. My feelings for her absolutely transcend her looks (which, for the most part, have been great!) and I've made a mistake that I need to find a way to fix. I'm hoping my therapist session tomorrow can shed some light on this.

[Zapbasket]

Whether it's 15 lbs or 30 lbs, I'm not sure. In any event, it's been noticeable.

 

All that aside...

 

The last three replies hit straight to the gut. I can totally empathize with how she must be feeling right now - especially on the no sex piece. I really phrased things so poorly and it's killing me inside.

 

I love her too much to let her go. I don't know why, but it's taken the last couple days for me to realize what I'm about to lose. I want to have a chance to appreciate, support, and love her more than ever. My feelings for her absolutely transcend her looks (which, for the most part, have been great!) and I've made a mistake that I need to find a way to fix. I'm hoping my therapist session tomorrow can shed some light on this.

 

I'm not saying this to be harsh, but rather to challenge you in hopes doing so might help YOU gain some clarity.

 

You were on a vacation with your girlfriend, and in four whole days you didn't have sex with her because you found yourself unattracted to her owing to her recent weight gain that it sounds like was more pronounced given she was in a bathing suit when not in her baggy clothes (?). Was "un-attraction" the only thing you felt? Because given how much you say you love her, sure, you might notice that she was a bit...fuller/flabbier/dimplier than usual, but it wouldn't turn you off from sex for four whole days, and on a vacation together.

 

That's why I questioned earlier (a few pages back) if you really loved her. And you say you do. But when you really LOVE someone in that romantic way, especially in a young relationship like yours only a seriously drastic change in appearance (severe weight gain or loss, severe physical illness, becoming a quadriplegic, say), would destroy the physical attraction. The only other thing that would destroy it is a sudden EMOTIONAL realization on your part. This is why I ask what other things you felt on that trip, besides un-attraction. Perhaps, for instance, are you afraid of your growing emotional intimacy with this woman, that usually means your love grows not only despite, but often BECAUSE of, the gradual discovery of one another's flaws.

[TheTraveler]

Whether it's 15 lbs or 30 lbs, I'm not sure. In any event, it's been noticeable.

 

All that aside...

 

The last three replies hit straight to the gut. I can totally empathize with how she must be feeling right now - especially on the no sex piece. I really phrased things so poorly and it's killing me inside.

 

I love her too much to let her go. I don't know why, but it's taken the last couple days for me to realize what I'm about to lose. I want to have a chance to appreciate, support, and love her more than ever. My feelings for her absolutely transcend her looks (which, for the most part, have been great!) and I've made a mistake that I need to find a way to fix. I'm hoping my therapist session tomorrow can shed some light on this.

 

Because she rejected your opinion and ran away hurt. Now you're in obsession mode wanting her back.

 

Keep updating the thread and let us know what is happening

[BaileyB]

your love grows not only despite, but often BECAUSE of, the gradual discovery of one another's flaws.

 

How true.

 

And how wonderful it is to know that if you gain 20 pounds (which lets be honest, is likely to happen as you get older), or your hair starts to thin, or you get cancer and your leg is amputated... That you will have someone in your life that will love you, regardless. But, you have to offer that in return.

 

Attraction is important in a relationship, but it is so much more than the number on the scale, or a fashion style, or so many other things. At a certain point, when you really love someone, physical appearance pales in comparison to so many other things that attract you to your partner.

 

This is the wisdom that develops with maturity and in the presence of true, authentic love.

[Zapbasket]

How true.

 

And how wonderful it is to know that if you gain 20 pounds (which lets be honest, is likely to happen as you get older), or your hair starts to thin, or you get cancer and your leg is amputated... That you will have someone in your life that will love you, regardless. But, you have to offer that in return.

 

Attraction is important in a relationship, but it is so much more than the number on the scale, or a fashion style, or so many other things. At a certain point, when you really love someone, physical appearance pales in comparison to so many other things that attract you to your partner.

 

This is the wisdom that develops with maturity and in the presence of true, authentic love.

 

Margery Williams in "The Velveteen Rabbit" says it best:

 

“Real isn't how you are made,' said the Skin Horse. 'It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.'

 

'Does it hurt?' asked the Rabbit.

 

'Sometimes,' said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. 'When you are Real you don't mind being hurt.'

 

'Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,' he asked, 'or bit by bit?'

 

'It doesn't happen all at once,' said the Skin Horse. 'You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.”

[salparadise]

This thread has seen some of the most hate filled posts ever. It just goes to show that there's no hate quite like fat people hate.

 

Yea, I'm amazed at how superficial attraction is for some people, and how they expect, and even feel entitled, to judge the quality of a person and relationship based on them being static over time... not aging, not gaining weight, looking pertetually as hot as some idealized mental image. I wonder if they're not grown up yet or if they've topped out at that level of emotional intelligence and awareness.

 

Perhaps, for instance, are you afraid of your growing emotional intimacy with this woman, that usually means your love grows not only despite, but often BECAUSE of, the gradual discovery of one another's flaws.

 

I even find the concept of "flaws" to be erroneous. It just doesn't fit with true love and affection, and emotional maturity. Of course we have to judge and be selective initially when choosing a partner, but once you've made a choice and are in relationship it's not healthy. But semantics notwithstanding, I don't see how anyone could ever sustain a healthy relationship without valuing the other's uniqueness and expressing acceptance and appreciation continually... for who they actually are, including the vulnerabilities.

 

How does anyone not see this as a fundamental awareness? When we love we earn each other's trust, and big part of that is a certain kind of unconditional acceptance. For example, I've got some of those "flaws" that someone mentioned a few posts back –– balding, belly fat, loads of body hair, imperfect teeth, too short, man boobs –– minus too short and man boobs, thankfully, but my girlfriend always has a way of making me feel attractive, genuinely, and I try to do the same for her. It's partly because I do feel she's very attractive, partly because I know her insecurities and accepting her completely as a whole human being, wonderful and worthy because of all facets of her uniquenesses... this is part of what loving people do for one another.

 

The five A's: Acceptance, Appreciation, Affection, Attention, Allowing.

[Gloria25]

How true.

 

And how wonderful it is to know that if you gain 20 pounds (which lets be honest, is likely to happen as you get older), or your hair starts to thin, or you get cancer and your leg is amputated... That you will have someone in your life that will love you, regardless. But, you have to offer that in return.

 

Attraction is important in a relationship, but it is so much more than the number on the scale, or a fashion style, or so many other things. At a certain point, when you really love someone, physical appearance pales in comparison to so many other things that attract you to your partner.

 

This is the wisdom that develops with maturity and in the presence of true, authentic love.

 

This isn't 'growing older gracefully'. This is "comfortable and lazy". They're both in their 20's and no kids. No reason for her to be gaining weight and letting grooming slide.

[Eternal Sunshine]

This is one of the reasons I don't like dating men with low relationship experience. They have never had an experience of getting truly close to someone and have completely superficial and unrealistic standards of judging women. This woman didn't get "dolled up", "gained a few pounds" and "wore loose clothes" -and he is turned off. To the point of avoiding sex and then telling her about it. WTF. "The weight gain was noticeable". If you look closely enough, every weight gain is noticeable. Someone gains 3-4 lbs and their stomach is no longer flat. You can notice and focus on that, which is the hallmark of shallowness and immaturity.

 

OP's gf will likely give him another chance but he has just killed a good portion of love and warmth she felt for him. Feelings and trust are fragile and can be destroyed in an instant.

[elaine567]

OP's gf will likely give him another chance but he has just killed a good portion of love and warmth she felt for him. Feelings and trust are fragile and can be destroyed in an instant.

 

 

Agree completely.

[BaileyB]

I love the Velveteen Rabbit - I remember my mom reading this to me when I was young. Beautiful message.

 

Yes, it is amazing how superficial attraction is for some people. A good reason not to date those who don't have relationship experience and maturity. When we love, the "flaws" do fall away, they do not matter, because the love, acceptance, and kindness one has for their partner matters so much more.

 

Some people will always be focused on those few extra pounds, or what she wears, or his man boobs and thinning hair... And that is a shame. they never will get the moral of the story...

[Byron12]

I screwed up and put my selfish, unrealistic, "idealistic" needs above my love for her. So how do I go about rectifying this? I am giving her the space she needs, have not texted her since Monday, am not planning on sending her flowers right away - BUT, at the same time, I want to let her know that I am thinking about her, that I miss her and love her. What should I do? I'm beating myself to bits and pieces over this.

[RecentChange]

Are you truly attracted to her though? This is very important. It can't be faked, and if it is not there, the relationship can't last - and if she sticks with a guy who is not attracted to her, it's really going to damage her in the end.

 

So - what's the story with you withholding sex?

 

What do you like, and what bothers you about her body?

 

Do you fantasize about her?

 

Can you really flip a switch and LUST for her?

[Els]

I'm glad you are being introspective about this and are trying to change. Because honestly, when you are in a LTR it's unrealistic to expect someone to be dolled up with perfect hair all the time. That sort of thing takes a lot of time, and most women would not want to have to maintain that sort of facade 24/7. Perhaps more importantly, I think a man who is truly in love would not be put off by seeing his partner with unstyled hair or loose clothes sometimes.

 

If you want to encourage her to doll up (entirely her prerogative to choose in the end, of course), plan dates where it would make sense to dress up. It doesn't really make much sense to spend 20 minutes styling your hair if you are going to be doing outdoorsy stuff or staying at home.

 

I screwed up and put my selfish, unrealistic, "idealistic" needs above my love for her. So how do I go about rectifying this? I am giving her the space she needs, have not texted her since Monday, am not planning on sending her flowers right away - BUT, at the same time, I want to let her know that I am thinking about her, that I miss her and love her. What should I do? I'm beating myself to bits and pieces over this.

 

I think it should be perfectly fine to reach out just once - send her a bouquet with a note apologizing and telling her how you feel. And then leave the ball in her court and don't contact her unless she contacts you.

[TheTraveler]

 

 

 

I think it should be perfectly fine to reach out just once - send her a bouquet with a note apologizing and telling her how you feel. And then leave the ball in her court and don't contact her unless she contacts you.

 

NO! Don't do this. He's already reached out multiple times with the same answer in response. Give her the space as she has requested.

[Eighty_nine]

There has been some terrible advice in here, especially from Gloria and MarkSteel, or whatever your usernames are. Yikes.

 

OP, real, long term love is about much more than 20 pounds and I think that you understand that. Life is a roller coaster and people remain happy and healthy with supportive, non-shallow, non-judgemental people in their lives. It sounds like you want to be that for your gf. Good for you.

[Gloria25]

This is one of the reasons I don't like dating men with low relationship experience. They have never had an experience of getting truly close to someone and have completely superficial and unrealistic standards of judging women. This woman didn't get "dolled up", "gained a few pounds" and "wore loose clothes" -and he is turned off. To the point of avoiding sex and then telling her about it. WTF. "The weight gain was noticeable". If you look closely enough, every weight gain is noticeable. Someone gains 3-4 lbs and their stomach is no longer flat. You can notice and focus on that, which is the hallmark of shallowness and immaturity.

 

OP's gf will likely give him another chance but he has just killed a good portion of love and warmth she felt for him. Feelings and trust are fragile and can be destroyed in an instant.

 

What does 'dating maturity' have to do with expectations that your SO will maintain their appearance?

 

If looks, grooming and/or weight wasn't an issue with either gender, why on dating profiles people put up certain pics? Why do people dress nice for a date? Why dress nice for your wedding?

 

Oh wait...is there an unspoken rule that once you nab a person all that you did to attract them when you were single must end?

 

If 'dating maturity' means the day I get serious with someone, they have a right to let themselves go - especially when we have kids and get busy with life, then I guess I'll just have to date around and be perpetually single till I die.

[Buddhist]

What does 'dating maturity' have to do with expectations that your SO will maintain their appearance?

 

Mature people don't issue ultimatums or knee-jerk react to 10lbs. They seek to find solace and comfort in their bond with their partner when life doesn't go their way rather than go on rants about their 'entitlements' and expectations. Children however throw tantrums over such things and yell 'not fair'.

 

When women get on LS and cry and yell about how their expectations aren't being met I typically give them this advice....Leave him. I think you'll note I've given the OP the same advice in this situation too. The reasoning is simple.

 

We can hold all the expectations in the world but that doesn't change the fact it isn't anyone else's job to meet those expectations. No matter what.

Edited November 16, 2016 by Buddhist

[Byron12]

Mature people don't issue ultimatums or knee-jerk react to 10lbs. They seek to find solace and comfort in their bond with their partner when life doesn't go their way rather than go on rants about their 'entitlements' and expectations. Children however throw tantrums over such things and yell 'not fair'.

 

When women get on LS and cry and yell about how their expectations aren't being met I typically give them this advice....Leave him. I think you'll note I've given the OP the same advice in this situation too. The reasoning is simple.

 

We can hold all the expectations in the world but that doesn't change the fact it isn't anyone else's job to meet those expectations. No matter what.

 

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. So you don't believe in forgiveness? You don't believe in second chances? You believe that I should get up and leave instead of trying to have a serious conversation, even though I approached it in the wrong way? Who's really having the knee-jerk reaction here?!

[Tinie]

What does 'dating maturity' have to do with expectations that your SO will maintain their appearance?

 

Why is there this need to look perfect for your partner 24/7 and the minute you step out of the boundary you are "lazy" and a "slob"?

 

If looks, grooming and/or weight wasn't an issue with either gender, why on dating profiles people put up certain pics? Why do people dress nice for a date? Why dress nice for your wedding?

 

Because dates and weddings are formal gatherings where you're surrounded by other people who you don't know. I suppose that according to your logic, happily married couples, for example, probably sleep in fancy gowns and business suits with their hair styled just-so with tictacs in their mouths lest they, god forbid, get "morning breath".

 

Oh wait...is there an unspoken rule that once you nab a person all that you did to attract them when you were single must end?

 

If 'dating maturity' means the day I get serious with someone, they have a right to let themselves go - especially when we have kids and get busy with life, then I guess I'll just have to date around and be perpetually single till I die.

 

We are all one day going to get wrinkles, saggy boobs, cellulite dimples, grey hair. Human bodies aren't perfect. You seem to be a bit out of touch with reality Gloria, as do other posters who say similar things. I've read your very angry and sexist posts on here before, maybe that's why you're struggling.

[Gloria25]

Mature people don't issue ultimatums or knee-jerk react to 10lbs. They seek to find solace and comfort in their bond with their partner when life doesn't go their way rather than go on rants about their 'entitlements' and expectations. Children however throw tantrums over such things and yell 'not fair'.

 

When women get on LS and cry and yell about how their expectations aren't being met I typically give them this advice....Leave him. I think you'll note I've given the OP the same advice in this situation too. The reasoning is simple.

 

We can hold all the expectations in the world but that doesn't change the fact it isn't anyone else's job to meet those expectations. No matter what.

 

The OP won't confirm how much she got bigger. He says it might be 10, 20, or 30....it was enough to turn him off.

 

The OP doesn't sound like a shallow creep. Would a shallow creep be begging this girl for forgiveness and trying to send her flowers?

 

Looks like the OP doesn't have much luck with the ladies, landed someone who knows that and probably was sorta "ok" when they began dating. And, now that she's comfortable, she's taking advantage of him not having much luck with the ladies so that she can get lazy and make demands on him.

 

A shallow guy wouldn't have posted here, he probably wouldn't have spent one day dating the OP's gf. But great job on beating him up and making him out to being a jerk.

[Buddhist]

I'm sorry, but this is ridiculous. So you don't believe in forgiveness? You don't believe in second chances? You believe that I should get up and leave instead of trying to have a serious conversation, even though I approached it in the wrong way? Who's really having the knee-jerk reaction here?!

 

No. I advised you to leave her IF you can't find resolution on your expectations about her physical appearance. It's clear that if you stick to them then this issue will occur again with this girl. Go back to my original post to you, in which I said if your tolerance over her weight is very low she will struggle to meet your expectations. That's a recipe for you both to be unhappy in a relationship.

 

Granted I do not have the same idea's about relationships as other people. Most people get into a relationship with someone and then try to negotiate their demands/needs/expectations out of that person, regardless of whether that person was a close match to them in the first place or not. In my book that is a recipe for dissatisfaction and friction.

 

My idea about relationships is we learn to meet our own expectations and needs rather than asking someone else to do it for us. And if someone isn't a close match to what we desire, we accept this and let that person go rather than try and mold another person to our liking. There's nothing ridiculous about that.

[Buddhist]

The OP won't confirm how much she got bigger. He says it might be 10, 20, or 30....it was enough to turn him off.

 

The OP said is was 10-15lbs then backtracked later when it was pointed out to him that on the average body this wouldn't be much of a difference.

 

The OP doesn't sound like a shallow creep. Would a shallow creep be begging this girl for forgiveness and trying to send her flowers?

 

Those are your words Gloria not mine. Did you even read my responses to the OP? They were respectful and considered both sides of the argument. My response to you had nothing to do with the OP, those words were exclusively for you because I am tired of your rantings and obvious disdain for other women. I don't care to hear it.

 

Looks like the OP doesn't have much luck with the ladies, landed someone who knows that and probably was sorta "ok" when they began dating. And, now that she's comfortable, she's taking advantage of him not having much luck with the ladies so that she can get lazy and make demands on him.

 

This is purely your assumption and imagination. There is nothing in the OPs posts to suggest any of that is true.

 

But great job on beating him up and making him out to being a jerk.

 

You've actually beaten up the OP far more than anyone else, and slurred his GF too without any evidence for your assumptions. Along with the other posters telling him he's handed his testicles on a plate etc. I think you'll note I've done no such thing in any of my posts.

[LD1990]

I'm really curious how all the people who are going on and on about their "emotional maturity" would have handled OP's situation. Because there's a lot of talk about what he did wrong. Was he just supposed to dump her the second she gained weight? Was he supposed to grin and bear it, even though he was no longer attracted to his girlfriend?

 

This is different than OP's girlfriend just gaining a couple pounds, or wearing comfy clothes at home. She gained weight to the point where OP wasn't attracted to her, and she wouldn't even bother to do her hair or wear nice clothes when they went on vacation. She let herself go, plain and simple.

 

There's nothing wrong with having standards.

[Buddhist]

A moderate weight gain would not even be an issue for me, so this situation doesn't apply to my own. But in cases where my partner has repeatedly, over a long period of time demonstrated that they are incapable of being a compatible match with me, have been instances in which I have ended the relationship. Not not the first instance, but after many instances.

 

And no there is nothing wrong with having standards, but typically it's not a very successful strategy to try and impress your standards upon other people. It generally breaks down the relationship. You either take people as they are, and put up with the trivial issues that inevitably occur or you end the relationship acknowledging they are not the person for you.