I think I may have ruined my relationship

[Gloria25]

Funny, in all three of my serious relationships, I was definitely the better-looking partner. The first guy had a great physique but just an okay face and was prematurely balding. By his early thirties he was completely bald.

 

Second guy was only 5'6" and I am 5'7". He also was 18 years older than I was. He did have a handsome face and nice body (he was a karate black-belt), but he was, objectively speaking, short and "old."

 

Third guy had a bit of a beer belly, a skinnier penis than ideal, and looked about ten years older than he was whereas I've always looked young for my age (no wrinkles; smooth, bright skin).

 

I remember how I felt when the first guy stopped cold in front of me as I was sitting cross-legged on the floor, and pointed at the dimples on my thigh. "What's THAT?" he asked in disgust. "A bit of cellulite," I answered. I felt crushed, and that exchange sank deep in my psyche and left me with this vague insecurity that he didn't absolutely adore me. It also made me angry, though I never said anything about it; I just brushed it all off. But it made me angry because he had scars on his lower abdomen from a surgery he'd had as a child, and he was very self-conscious about it, and I'd NEVER have said anything to shame him for it. Also, here I was, objectively much more beautiful than he was handsome, and he had the nerve to criticize my body?

 

The second guy I felt something similar when he'd put me down for my weight. At 5'7" and 125 pounds, I may not be a toothpick, but I have a pretty great body. Fit, athletic, round butt. But for him I was not as skinny as he "preferred." He had ED problems and when he couldn't perform, he'd blame my "weight." I got to where I wanted to SCREAM at him that he shouldn't be talking because a) he was short, b) he was old, and c) his d*ck didn't work, but I bit my tongue while feeling total disbelief at his shallowness, when if I or any other woman had that same degree of shallowness, he'd be forever single. And I'll tell you, it took me several years after the end of that relationship to regain a realistic appraisal of my body.

 

Third guy put me down in other ways, but he was always sky-high complimentary of my looks.

 

I guess my point is that for me, and for so many woman I know, we have to overlook a lot of body hair, body smells, beer bellies and such in the men we date, and we do overlook it. It's what you do when you love someone. I mean, if someone gains a tremendous amount of weight such that it completely alters their appearance, then sure, that's an issue. But fluctuations here and there? We all have them. OP, I imagine you're not a male model and so I'm sure your gf has overlooked many appearance flaws in you, too.

 

Your relationship might recover on the surface, but I think something has been stirred up that isn't going to go away. For one, do you REALLY love her? And for her, she might not be able to really be as into the relationship, since women love feeling beautiful in their man's eyes.

 

Uh, the guys that you described as saying hurtful things to you? Ever consider that they were nitpicking you cuz of their own insecurities?

 

That's why over the years I have gotten picky when it comes to men, cuz you give a guy who's lacking this/that a chance and usually they feel inadequate around you and sometimes it comes out in them being abusive and controlling.

 

So, we women don't have to tolerate physical flaws in men, but cuz of us being less visual and able to become attached to a guy for more than his looks (ie good provider, sweet, etc.), we're more forgiving when it comes to looks.

[Gloria25]

He does not have the right to do what? have standards? be honest with her after she asked what was on his mind?

 

She asked him if everything was ok and he told her the truth. I'd say that a pretty fundamental mutual respect boundary in a healthy relationship was in looking after yourself and remaining presentable.

 

She stopped making an effort, gained weight, had messy hair, stopped wearing makeup. If he had done the same I'd expect her to voice her unhappiness.

 

There is no such thing as ''he doesn't have the right''.

 

He has every right, just as she has every right to leave him and vice versa if she is unhappy with his observations.

 

All of this comes down to fragile egos and being unable to take criticism.

 

Yes, I would love to hear verbatim what the OP told her cuz it's one thing to say 'Honey, I don't wanna have sex with you cuz you gained weight snd let yourself go'...Another is to say 'Don't touch me. You're fat and sloppy'.

 

Seeing how the OP's posted here, I'm sure he probably said the former and trust me, that's "offensive" by today's standards. So far haven't heard the "you shamed her" arguements yet.

[LD1990]

There's so much focus on what OP "did wrong" here, while the girlfriend gets off scot-free. If his girlfriend respected him at all, she would want to look beautiful for him. She would want to be her best for him. She wouldn't slack off and let herself go the second she locked him down.

 

My previous girlfriend wanted to look her best for me. She took care of her body anyway, but she'd also tell me that she wanted to look hot for me. I felt the same way, I wanted to be the best version of myself for her. The fact that OP's girlfriend doesn't care about looking good for him shows that she doesn't really respect him.

 

Byron, you're getting treated like a chump, and you can think you're doing the right thing, but you're setting a terrible precedent for the future here. Every time she wants something or doesn't like something you say now, she'll know that she can stomp her feet, make you the bad guy, and get you to do whatever she wants, no matter who's right or wrong. And if I were you, I'd be pretty curious about what's going on on this "break."

[sunshine2]

Wow this discussion has turned ugly. I think OP that you are doing the right thing. I think if you hurt her, you should apologize and try to make it right. It doesn't really matter what you said, its just that you hurt her feelings. When we are in a relationship we have to be able to talk about things that bother us, but in a way that is constructive. Could you have said it differently? Hell ya! But it is what it is now.

 

This is a good lesson for all of us to remember that if we love someone, we need to be able to talk to them about anything as long as it is not hurtful. Eating healthy and running would of pretty much taken care of this issue and that could of just been a easy suggestion. Maybe she needs to go to therapy and work on whats stressing her out. She could be stress eating because of it, there could be many reasons for her gaining weight.

 

I am much older then you, and I have learned that throwing out nasty comments are not constructive and are just s symptom of something that is bothering me. Ive learned to talk about it instead of causing arguments because Im unhappy.

 

I don't think you are being a chump or NOT a man for apologizing, some of these comments are really out there in this discussion.

[olivetree]

There's so much focus on what OP "did wrong" here, while the girlfriend gets off scot-free. If his girlfriend respected him at all, she would want to look beautiful for him. She would want to be her best for him. She wouldn't slack off and let herself go the second she locked him down.

 

My previous girlfriend wanted to look her best for me. She took care of her body anyway, but she'd also tell me that she wanted to look hot for me. I felt the same way, I wanted to be the best version of myself for her. The fact that OP's girlfriend doesn't care about looking good for him shows that she doesn't really respect him.

Byron, you're getting treated like a chump, and you can think you're doing the right thing, but you're setting a terrible precedent for the future here. Every time she wants something or doesn't like something you say now, she'll know that she can stomp her feet, make you the bad guy, and get you to do whatever she wants, no matter who's right or wrong. And if I were you, I'd be pretty curious about what's going on on this "break."

 

Her weight and hair has nothing to do with respect. Great advice if we want to teach the OP to be suspicious and take everything personally.

[Gloria25]

Her weight and hair has nothing to do with respect. Great advice if we want to teach the OP to be suspicious and take everything personally.

 

Yes it does have to deal with respect. When you go to your job don't you have to shower, comb your hair and dress right? You do it to show respect to your employer, peers, clients/customers, and yourself...otherwise we'd all go to work in our pijamas.

 

Your SO deserves that same respect too. Imagine if he pulled a Johnny Depp and started dressing like a bum. I bet ya she'd demand he clean up before she and him go out in public.

[Space Ritual]

I haven't responded to her last text and am going to give her all the space she needs. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow night and am hoping to get some more clarity on all of this then.

 

The last time I cried all night was when I found out Professional Wrestling was fake, and that was just last week! LOL

 

OP, You might as well just pack this one in. You give her all the space she needs. Her visceral reaction was all you needed to know. Nothing you will be able to come up with will ever make this go away. Her reaction did nothing less than show you that she will throw that comment in your face for the rest of your relationship, which will probably not be of a very long duration.

 

If you are around LS very often you will find that people here, just like anywhere, simply don't like hearing the truth. If her appearance and weight gain concerned you, then you were perfectly justified in conveying this to her. Albeit you could have chose your presentation of those concerns a bit more tactfully, but the point is if you can't feel comfortable enough in your relationship to be able to discuss things you consider concerning, then you didn't have much of a relationship in the first place.

 

Move on, this relationship is over.

[BaileyB]

Things have become nasty is this discussion and some terrible advice has been offered.

 

I want to look my best - FOR MYSELF! When I'm out in the world, it is important to me to look good - at work, with friends, or with my boyfriend. If my boyfriend likes it, then that's great! But for those of you who say that a woman is not showing respect by not working to look great for her boyfriend - get over yourself.

 

And, it takes courage to admit that you said something insensitive, apologize for the hurt that was caused, and try to make amends. Those who say that OP is a chump or or that OP has somehow "given in" to his girlfriend lack a certain maturity and understanding of women/relationships.

Edited November 15, 2016 by BaileyB

[olivetree]

Yes it does have to deal with respect. When you go to your job don't you have to shower, comb your hair and dress right? You do it to show respect to your employer, peers, clients/customers, and yourself...otherwise we'd all go to work in our pijamas.

 

Your SO deserves that same respect too. Imagine if he pulled a Johnny Depp and started dressing like a bum. I bet ya she'd demand he clean up before she and him go out in public.

 

This is a much too simplified version of human psychology. There is just so much more that goes into the effort someone puts into their appearance and their eating habits than their respect for their partner.

[Kamille]

Byron, please take the advice given here with a huge grain of salt.

 

- She can forgive you. Humans communicate poorly sometimes and then we learn and forgive each other.

 

- Relationships are not a zero-sum games where one partner is always trying to take advantage of the other. I know you know this because the way you talk about your relationship is very loving. But some of the advice you're receiving in this thread seems to focus on either you or your girlfriend trying to take advantage of the other. Successful relationships don't work this way.

[Gloria25]

This is a much too simplified version of human psychology. There is just so much more that goes into the effort someone puts into their appearance and their eating habits than their respect for their partner.

 

Then if she's that messed up in the head, she shouldn't be dating. Relationships are about bringing your best self to the table and "giving" to each other. If getting overweight and blowing off your appearance is your thing, then don't expect everyone to tolerate it.

 

It's rude and disrespectful to come to your SO with a 'take me or leave me' attitude. But the OP, like the rest of the world, is entitled to chose. Unfortunately he's chosen 'take it or leave it' and that's fine...hope he remembers this moment a few years down the line with this chick.

[Gloria25]

Byron, please take the advice given here with a huge grain of salt.

 

- She can forgive you. Humans communicate poorly sometimes and then we learn and forgive each other.

 

- Relationships are not a zero-sum games where one partner is always trying to take advantage of the other. I know you know this because the way you talk about your relationship is very loving. But some of the advice you're receiving in this thread seems to focus on either you or your girlfriend trying to take advantage of the other. Successful relationships don't work this way.

 

If his RL was so loving, this issue wouldn't have ever come. Also, if it's so loving, what did he say that made her feel so extreme to ask for a "break" - which is one step before a break up?

[LD1990]

Those who say that OP is a chump or or that OP has somehow "given in" to his girlfriend lack a certain maturity and understanding of women/relationships.

 

No, we just don't live in Candyland where women are delicate little snowflakes who get rewarded for porking out a year into a relationship.

 

She got so big that this guy didn't want to have sex with her at all on a 4-day vacation. Then when the subject comes up she says that she's her own worst critic (yeah, apparently not or she would've put down the ice cream).

 

Relationships aren't about taking advantage of each other, but there is a definite power dynamic in any relationship. Right now, OP's girlfriend is putting him in his place and he's taking it because he's scared of losing her.

[olivetree]

I can appreciate having a different view on the subject but some of your facts need to be checked.

 

First there was saying that she cut him off from sex, which was not true. He cut her off.

 

Now there are comments that she is messed in the head. Again, putting on some weight does not mean you are a headcase. Seriously... you have absolutely no vices at all? You are perfect in every way or you're crazy?

 

Then there is calling her a porker and suggesting she is eating junk food. I get you're trying to humorous but it honestly just sounds judgemental and mean-spirited. The OP has not given any details about her habits or what the weight gain actually is. For all we know it could be 5 lbs - 10lbs, which is a normal range for people to fluctuate.

[Byron12]

I can appreciate having a different view on the subject but some of your facts need to be checked.

 

First there was saying that she cut him off from sex, which was not true. He cut her off.

 

Now there are comments that she is messed in the head. Again, putting on some weight does not mean you are a headcase. Seriously... you have absolutely no vices at all? You are perfect in every way or you're crazy?

 

Then there is calling her a porker and suggesting she is eating junk food. I get you're trying to humorous but it honestly just sounds judgemental and mean-spirited. The OP has not given any details about her habits or what the weight gain actually is. For all we know it could be 5 lbs - 10lbs, which is a normal range for people to fluctuate.

 

If I were to guess, I'd say she gained 10-15 lbs. Nothing crazy, but definitely noticeable. But not only that, she's been drinking a bit more as of late (wine, beer, liquor), and has not been eating super healthily. Where I went wrong is pointing to these things instead of looking at the likely root cause: stress.

[MarkIVSteel]

If I were to guess, I'd say she gained 10-15 lbs. Nothing crazy, but definitely noticeable. But not only that, she's been drinking a bit more as of late (wine, beer, liquor), and has not been eating super healthily. Where I went wrong is pointing to these things instead of looking at the likely root cause: stress.

 

Looking for a "root cause" is simply just trying to rationalize her behavior.

[Buddhist]

If I were to guess, I'd say she gained 10-15 lbs. Nothing crazy, but definitely noticeable.

 

She's put on 4-6kgs? I thought we were talking at least twice that. 4kgs is enough for you to lose all attraction to her? I'd suggest you were never very attracted to her in the first place if that's the case. I think maybe you should lose this relationship because I'll be honest here, telling your gf she must stay within 4kgs of her dating weight for the rest of her natural life (with you) is a very, very tough call. I'm 5ft 2 and US size 2. An extra 5kgs on me isn't even a full dress size larger. On say a 5ft 6 woman with an average frame this is nothing. At some point she will get heavier than that and probably not even need to do very much at all to achieve it. I think you are dating a girl who is naturally heavier set than your preferences and this won't be an easy task for her at all.

 

What the hell are you doing to do if you ever decide to have children? Many women put on easily twice as much as that during pregnancy and it isn't easy to get it off afterwards either. If your tolerance for weight shifting is this low then you will find very few women who can satisfy you. But I would strongly suggest that a woman who is marginal on the attraction stakes for you when you meet her will have a lower chance than any of being an appropriate partner for you.

 

She will be very unhappy with you if this is where your tolerance is at longterm. Let her go.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Buddhist

[Blanco]

Yeah, that's not really that awful. It's only really a problem if it remains a trend.

[Buddhist]

Another thing to consider is that female fertility hormones holds fat on the body. It just does. The female physique is designed to hold a higher % of body fat than men and because of that and lower muscle mass it's not as easy for women to drop weight as it is for men. Younger women are far more likely to have weight fluctuations just as a natural consequence of their fertility years. I could not get anywhere near my present weight when I was under 30, no matter what I did.

 

Even so, keeping my present weight and shape requires me to have a lifestyle that most people find untenable. I eat virtually no grain, live on steamed vegetables for breakfast, lunch and dinner and cannot indulge more than a couple of times a year. And by indulge I mean eat toast for breakfast. Not talking about downing chocolates, cakes and party food. I drink no alcohol. I also exercise 2-3hrs per day. That's what it takes for a woman to attain the body shape I have and keep it. I will freely admit it's not a lifestyle many people choose to adopt nor would find practical.

 

So while you might think it's not hard to shift 4kgs of fat, you could probably do this by cutting down one main indulgence and with moderate exercise doesn't mean it's equally easy for a female to do the same thing. Neither does it mean that a woman is necessarily being a lazy pig just because her weight goes up by that amount either.

[frus69]

I realllly doubt 15 lbs can kill all your sexual desires. Are you sure it's not 25-30 lbs??

Regardless, no matter how much you want to find your desire back again, you probably can't. No matter how much you wish to just focus on her inside, you biological urge probably won't listen. You are at the stage that you desperately want her back, to the point you overlooked the root problem of the relationship.

I don't believe attraction can come back for no reason, when nothing changes. So when she comes back but keeps drinking and eating, you still won't get too aroused around her. Forcing yourself won't work, unless you get her to make some change for you. I still praise you for trying, though.

Edited November 16, 2016 by frus69

[BaileyB]

With all due respect Byron, many women can find that their weight will fluctuate 5 to 10 pounds each year very easily. This tends to happen first year of university (the dreaded Freshman 15), at the start of a new relationship when you are cooking for each other and eating out, when beginning or stopping the pill, with pregnancy (and more), during times of stress... get my point. It's unrealistic to expect that a woman will not have these kinds of fluctuations in their weight over the years. This weight gain would generally not even mean a change in dress size, but it will certainly influence confidence and how a woman feels about their body.

 

I think the better way, as you have learned, would have been to talk with her about the stress she feels and love and support her through her difficult time.

 

If this doesn't work out for you now, and I hope it does, what you have learned by asking the question will only help you to understand the other women you date/marry. Best wishes.

[dispatch3d]

I can appreciate having a different view on the subject but some of your facts need to be checked.

 

First there was saying that she cut him off from sex, which was not true. He cut her off.

 

Now there are comments that she is messed in the head. Again, putting on some weight does not mean you are a headcase. Seriously... you have absolutely no vices at all? You are perfect in every way or you're crazy?

 

Then there is calling her a porker and suggesting she is eating junk food. I get you're trying to humorous but it honestly just sounds judgemental and mean-spirited. The OP has not given any details about her habits or what the weight gain actually is. For all we know it could be 5 lbs - 10lbs, which is a normal range for people to fluctuate.

 

I assume the headcase accusations came from the crying all night and taking a one week break because her boyfriend noticed she got a little fat and wasn't as attractive. Its a huge overreaction.

 

Ah its over 15 lbs? You would barely notice that, its probably significantly more if its noticable at all.

[RecentChange]

To me, the big deal is "not finding her attractive"

 

I am sure she could handle hearing she had put on weight. Or wasn't dressing as nicely (btw, she knows she put on weight without you telling her).

 

But to STOP having SEX because of an extra 10 pounds made her so gross to him that he doesn't want to make love to her?

 

Yeah, I would find that pretty devastating to hear from someone I loved. That they attraction to me was so shallow and precious.

 

My weight will fluctuate 5 pounds up or down in a single week. 10? I am likely still wearing the same size.

 

This is not a dramatic change... so what? She has some rolls on her belly now that she didn't used to and they gross you out? Are her cheeks chubbier and she is no longer pretty at all?

 

Also, are you not totally sexually frustrated right now? I mean you didn't have sex once on a 4 day trip - do you have a low sex drive? Does she have to look just so for you to get it up?

[Eternal Sunshine]

Don't get her back OP. I had an ex like you and it took me many years to rebuild my confidence after that relationships ended. The fact that you lost interest in sex after your gf gained 10-15lbs is unthinkable to me. It does shows that your physical attraction to her was always on the low side.

 

This is not about what you said or if you should have said anything or if you were tactful. The problem is that you lost attraction for her after 10-15lbs weight gain let the poor girl go so she can find someone that will adore her in every way.

[Buddhist]

This thread has seen some of the most hate filled posts ever. It just goes to show that there's no hate quite like fat people hate. She's not even fat, she just had the gall to not sustain a particular weight come rain, hail or shine over the course of a year?

 

I honestly don't blame the woman for running to her family and asking for a break. I don't think she's being overly dramatic at all given the specifics of the situation. The OP has shown himself to put a lot of priority on weight and appearance. It's probably coming as a shock to her and she's wondering who this person is and what he did with her BF.