I think I may have ruined my relationship

[frus69]

This is not a case of "old and ugly". We're all gonna get wrinkles and saggy breasts. The OP's gf is gaining weight and won't keep up her appearance AND she's lowering/stoping the sex with him, that is something she has control over.

 

And how can you blame him from not wanting sex with her cuz she's doing all this? BTW, some women, when they wanna turn off their man from having sex, start doing things like this (gaining weight, letting themselves go)...it's sorta a passive/aggressive way to turn a guy down for sex. My FWB from a few years ago? His exwife would complain about having a UTI, but refused to go to the doctor about it...so, she used the UTI as an excuse to not want to have sex with him cuz how can you argue with someone who has a UTI? That would be cruel. Well, the OP's gf is probably playing the same passive/aggressive game. Get sloppy and unattractive and put the onus on him if he dare address it to her.

Again, I didn't read anywhere that she is lowering or stopping sex with him. I only read that OP stopped sex with her. And I didn't say it's his fault. Even though her reaction is getting tad ridiculous now, let's be fair and don't put false accusations on her

Did I read it wrong?

I think she has every right to be upset. But she should be getting over it now , accepting his apology and start changing(losing weight) for the OP. If she doesn't , I would not think she is worth pursuing anymore

Edited November 15, 2016 by frus69

[OnlyHonesty]

Wow, thanks everyone for the replies. Right or wrong, I sent her a text tonight apologizing again and vowed to never hurt her again. I told her she makes me a better person and I want to be a better boyfriend for her going forward. I explained how much I love her and how I know she's the one for me. Time will tell if she responds, but I imagine it won't be soon.

 

I am planning on also sending her a bouquet of flowers tomorrow. I'll add updates as they come. Thanks again for the feedback everyone.

 

You should be able to communicate about something in a relationship that makes you unhappy without feeling the need to apologize. The fact that you did so after she cried sends her a very strong message subconsciously (not a good one).

 

You already killed it when you first apologized, the text was another nail in the coffin and the bouquet will be the final nail. Also, vowing never to hurt a person again is false because honesty often hurts and is very important.

 

There is so much that is wrong with all of this that I simply would not know where to begin.

[Moy]

OP - Sell the car, take a lower paying job. See how she likes it.

 

I see so many relationships where people (that's BOTH sexes) get their feet under the table and pull the ripcord. It's a glorified bait and switch. It's akin to taking a new job, working hard through your probation period, getting a full-time contract and then (under your newfound security) deciding to suddenly spend all day on Facebook, turn up late and ring in sick every Saturday with a hangover. You won't last long.

 

If this thread was about a guy who went from Chris Hemsworth to Chris Farley, the empathy would be completely different and he'd be told to get his s*** together or risk losing her.

[Moy]

**pfft**

 

Ok, give her a permanent break. See if with her dolled-down and gained-weight self, she can attract another guy.

 

Look, we live in a day/age where women don't respect their men. Men dumb enough to marry women now a days spend the rest of their life walking on eggshells.

 

Now a days every/anything you say to a woman is offensive (look at our recent presidential elections - where if you didn't vote for a woman, you're sexist). If you stay with her and eventually marry her, it's gonna get worst and at that point you'll be stuck in a situation with a couple of kids and commingled finances. Right there she's really "gotcha" and whine all you want, you can't escape your prison sentence.

 

See, thing is, many men stay single now a days cuz they darn well know that if they commit to a woman, she'll get "comfortable" and it's game-over.

 

I think she's wrong here. Instead of her taking responsibility for getting "comfortable", she's manipulating with the tears and gonna threaten you with a "break".

 

Go back to her if you want, but dude seriously, if you have no kids with her and she already is getting sloppy - it's only gonna get worst once you have kids and get married. Then, her excuse is gonna be the kids, the sky, the moon, etc.

 

Oh yes, but she has so many qualities besides gaining weight, getting sloppy, and pulling back on the sex. Ok, well, imagine 18 years (the time it takes to raise a kid) of her getting heavier, no dolling up, and no sex...does her redeeming qualities still override having to sleep next to Shamu - who won't even let you touch her?

 

This. So much of this.

[EmilyJane]

Don't beat yourself up OP.

 

It's is so normal to gain a little weight if you're a chick in a happy LTR right after you enter the comfortable zone.

 

A break for reflection is not a bad thing.

 

You did say a crappy thing. And the encouraging her to excersises etc likely came off as pressure an conditional love.

 

But I pick up on you being concerned thst there is something deeper going on with your GF that the no longer taking pride in her appearance is an external symptom of. That concern for her wellbeing is what prompted you.

 

I think you are right and there is some major stress in your girlfriends life thst she is struggling with and causing her to feel very vulnerable and comfort eat. I do the same thing.

 

Attraction is important in relationships but not more than love and acceptance.

 

What else has happened since the request for space? What contact? Because she isn't a dude. She is extremely hurt and thinks you can't possibly admire or desire her so she's hiding. Thst means there is a way to rectify things with a gentle and sincere approach whilst still respecting her needs.

Edited November 15, 2016 by EmilyJane

[Popsicle]

A man can't control his penis size. A woman can do something about her weight - even when it maybe cuz of a medical issue (i.e. slow metabolism).

 

I said it's as sensitive of a topic to talk about, not that it's the equivalent.

[EmilyJane]

You should be able to communicate about something in a relationship that makes you unhappy without feeling the need to apologize. The fact that you did so after she cried sends her a very strong message subconsciously (not a good one).

 

You already killed it when you first apologized, the text was another nail in the coffin and the bouquet will be the final nail. Also, vowing never to hurt a person again is false because honesty often hurts and is very important.

 

There is so much that is wrong with all of this that I simply would not know where to begin.

 

He didn't communicate anything about relationship issues at all.

 

He just boundary violated and made comment about her body.

 

He doesn't have the right to do that. That's a pretty fundamental mutual respect boundary in healthy relationships.

[Moy]

He didn't communicate anything about relationship issues at all.

 

He just boundary violated and made comment about her body.

 

He doesn't have the right to do that. That's a pretty fundamental mutual respect boundary in healthy relationships.

 

Playing Devil's Advocate here: One could argue that letting oneself go once in the safety of a relationship is also a violation of a respect boundary, showing a level of contempt for one's partner.

[MarkIVSteel]

Wow, thanks everyone for the replies. Right or wrong, I sent her a text tonight apologizing again and vowed to never hurt her again. I told her she makes me a better person and I want to be a better boyfriend for her going forward. I explained how much I love her and how I know she's the one for me. Time will tell if she responds, but I imagine it won't be soon.

 

I am planning on also sending her a bouquet of flowers tomorrow. I'll add updates as they come. Thanks again for the feedback everyone.

 

Smh. You just handed your balls on a platter to her. Pathetic.

[LD1990]

So OP, she has let herself go to the point where you're not really attracted to her, she asked you what was wrong and you gave her an honest answer, and now you're telling her how sorry you are and that you want to be better for her.

 

Pretty great deal for her. She pigs out and you're the one who has to "be better."

 

And honestly, if you think she hasn't told anyone about this then you are unbelievably delusional. Guaranteed the first thing she did was call up her girlfriends and have a pity party where they talked about how perfect she is and what a stupid jerk you are. Followed by them going out to flirt with guys so she can "feel beautiful" again.

[Moy]

 

Pretty great deal for her. She pigs out and you're the one who has to "be better."

 

 

A man is expected to be tall, good-looking, muscular, work all of the hours that God sends and devote his life to providing for and protecting his partner and going out of his way to constantly tell her what a special snowflake she is.....even if she returns the favour by gaining a Grade 3 pannus and a pair of ranch-stained jogging bottoms.

[TheTraveler]

She told you to take a break for a week. Why on earth are you bombarding her with texts and sending her flowers? Terrible move.

 

Let's be real, we are only hearing your side of the story. This could be what breaks her for good and move on.

 

You want some advice OP? Do nothing.

[Byron12]

Thanks again everyone for the responses. As an update, I'm going to hold off on sending flowers. I agree that that's a bit much at this point. Also, to those who have said I should not have apologized, my apology was for hurting her. Please explain how that is wrong.

 

Someone also said I shouldn't have to say I'll be the better one at this point. I suppose the phrasing in my text should have used the term 'supportive' instead of 'better'. I realize I made a huge mistake by saying what i wanted to say in the exact way that I said it. I should have asked her about potential root cause issues (e.g. "I've noticed you've been more stressed lately - is everything OK?"

 

I feel like garbage because the way I said it was insensitive to say the least. I do love this girl more than anything and I was hopeful that my concerns could ultimately lead to an improvement in our sex life and relationship at large. I'm afraid it's done the exact opposite.

 

I haven't responded to her last text and am going to give her all the space she needs. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow night and am hoping to get some more clarity on all of this then.

[TheTraveler]

Thanks again everyone for the responses. As an update, I'm going to hold off on sending flowers. I agree that that's a bit much at this point. Also, to those who have said I should not have apologized, my apology was for hurting her. Please explain how that is wrong.

 

Someone also said I shouldn't have to say I'll be the better one at this point. I suppose the phrasing in my text should have used the term 'supportive' instead of 'better'. I realize I made a huge mistake by saying what i wanted to say in the exact way that I said it. I should have asked her about potential root cause issues (e.g. "I've noticed you've been more stressed lately - is everything OK?"

 

I feel like garbage because the way I said it was insensitive to say the least. I do love this girl more than anything and I was hopeful that my concerns could ultimately lead to an improvement in our sex life and relationship at large. I'm afraid it's done the exact opposite.

 

I haven't responded to her last text and am going to give her all the space she needs. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow night and am hoping to get some more clarity on all of this then.

 

All right good. No flowers. And do not send her another text until she reaches out again. No drunk 2 am text, nothing. When she does reach out, set it up to get together.

[Popsicle]

Thanks again everyone for the responses. As an update, I'm going to hold off on sending flowers. I agree that that's a bit much at this point. Also, to those who have said I should not have apologized, my apology was for hurting her. Please explain how that is wrong.

 

Someone also said I shouldn't have to say I'll be the better one at this point. I suppose the phrasing in my text should have used the term 'supportive' instead of 'better'. I realize I made a huge mistake by saying what i wanted to say in the exact way that I said it. I should have asked her about potential root cause issues (e.g. "I've noticed you've been more stressed lately - is everything OK?"

 

I feel like garbage because the way I said it was insensitive to say the least. I do love this girl more than anything and I was hopeful that my concerns could ultimately lead to an improvement in our sex life and relationship at large. I'm afraid it's done the exact opposite.

 

I haven't responded to her last text and am going to give her all the space she needs. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow night and am hoping to get some more clarity on all of this then.

 

I think you're a decent and kind-hearted person. There is nothing wrong with that, nor your responses given your nature. I hope she forgives you and I think she will. Give it time.

[OnlyHonesty]

He didn't communicate anything about relationship issues at all.

 

He just boundary violated and made comment about her body.

 

He doesn't have the right to do that. That's a pretty fundamental mutual respect boundary in healthy relationships.

 

He does not have the right to do what? have standards? be honest with her after she asked what was on his mind?

 

She asked him if everything was ok and he told her the truth. I'd say that a pretty fundamental mutual respect boundary in a healthy relationship was in looking after yourself and remaining presentable.

 

She stopped making an effort, gained weight, had messy hair, stopped wearing makeup. If he had done the same I'd expect her to voice her unhappiness.

 

There is no such thing as ''he doesn't have the right''.

 

He has every right, just as she has every right to leave him and vice versa if she is unhappy with his observations.

 

All of this comes down to fragile egos and being unable to take criticism.

[OnlyHonesty]

She told you to take a break for a week. Why on earth are you bombarding her with texts and sending her flowers? Terrible move.

 

Let's be real, we are only hearing your side of the story. This could be what breaks her for good and move on.

 

You want some advice OP? Do nothing.

 

 

''Take a break'' is very often a code word for break up or sleeping around for a while. But I agree, no point in him texting her.

[OnlyHonesty]

Thanks again everyone for the responses. As an update, I'm going to hold off on sending flowers. I agree that that's a bit much at this point. Also, to those who have said I should not have apologized, my apology was for hurting her. Please explain how that is wrong.

 

Someone also said I shouldn't have to say I'll be the better one at this point. I suppose the phrasing in my text should have used the term 'supportive' instead of 'better'. I realize I made a huge mistake by saying what i wanted to say in the exact way that I said it. I should have asked her about potential root cause issues (e.g. "I've noticed you've been more stressed lately - is everything OK?"

 

I feel like garbage because the way I said it was insensitive to say the least. I do love this girl more than anything and I was hopeful that my concerns could ultimately lead to an improvement in our sex life and relationship at large. I'm afraid it's done the exact opposite.

 

I haven't responded to her last text and am going to give her all the space she needs. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow night and am hoping to get some more clarity on all of this then.

 

I think you are falling into a trap without even realising it. Let me ask you this, after reading through what you just wrote several times, and how you've acted, would you say that the dominant energy was masculine or feminine?

 

I draw attention to this because Ive noticed quite a lot of men become the feminine energy in a relationship without even realising. Be honest with yourself and then ask yourself that question.

[Byron12]

I think you are falling into a trap without even realising it. Let me ask you this, after reading through what you just wrote several times, and how you've acted, would you say that the dominant energy was masculine or feminine?

 

I draw attention to this because Ive noticed quite a lot of men become the feminine energy in a relationship without even realising. Be honest with yourself and then ask yourself that question.

 

Interesting question, but I really don't know. I wouldn't tie any "gender" to how I've reacted. Whether it's feminine or masculine doesn't really matter to me, as long as I can somehow salvage this relationship. But I'm curious to hear more about this.

[Zapbasket]

Funny, in all three of my serious relationships, I was definitely the better-looking partner. The first guy had a great physique but just an okay face and was prematurely balding. By his early thirties he was completely bald.

 

Second guy was only 5'6" and I am 5'7". He also was 18 years older than I was. He did have a handsome face and nice body (he was a karate black-belt), but he was, objectively speaking, short and "old."

 

Third guy had a bit of a beer belly, a skinnier penis than ideal, and looked about ten years older than he was whereas I've always looked young for my age (no wrinkles; smooth, bright skin).

 

I remember how I felt when the first guy stopped cold in front of me as I was sitting cross-legged on the floor, and pointed at the dimples on my thigh. "What's THAT?" he asked in disgust. "A bit of cellulite," I answered. I felt crushed, and that exchange sank deep in my psyche and left me with this vague insecurity that he didn't absolutely adore me. It also made me angry, though I never said anything about it; I just brushed it all off. But it made me angry because he had scars on his lower abdomen from a surgery he'd had as a child, and he was very self-conscious about it, and I'd NEVER have said anything to shame him for it. Also, here I was, objectively much more beautiful than he was handsome, and he had the nerve to criticize my body?

 

The second guy I felt something similar when he'd put me down for my weight. At 5'7" and 125 pounds, I may not be a toothpick, but I have a pretty great body. Fit, athletic, round butt. But for him I was not as skinny as he "preferred." He had ED problems and when he couldn't perform, he'd blame my "weight." I got to where I wanted to SCREAM at him that he shouldn't be talking because a) he was short, b) he was old, and c) his d*ck didn't work, but I bit my tongue while feeling total disbelief at his shallowness, when if I or any other woman had that same degree of shallowness, he'd be forever single. And I'll tell you, it took me several years after the end of that relationship to regain a realistic appraisal of my body.

 

Third guy put me down in other ways, but he was always sky-high complimentary of my looks.

 

I guess my point is that for me, and for so many woman I know, we have to overlook a lot of body hair, body smells, beer bellies and such in the men we date, and we do overlook it. It's what you do when you love someone. I mean, if someone gains a tremendous amount of weight such that it completely alters their appearance, then sure, that's an issue. But fluctuations here and there? We all have them. OP, I imagine you're not a male model and so I'm sure your gf has overlooked many appearance flaws in you, too.

 

Your relationship might recover on the surface, but I think something has been stirred up that isn't going to go away. For one, do you REALLY love her? And for her, she might not be able to really be as into the relationship, since women love feeling beautiful in their man's eyes.

[elaine567]

You've been together a year and a half, you are madly in love and are comfortable with each other, you enjoy doing all the same stuff and are not fighting or arguing.

But along came that little gremlin that told you that you deserve a hot gf to have sex with and+6 your gf is no longer hot.

You are a bit annoyed at that, and so you tell her and ruin all that good stuff in an instant.

She may or not return, but now she will see you in a far different light.

I think you are correct, you may have indeed ruined it.

 

Sexual attraction is a huge deal especially early on in relationships, you essentially told her you do not find her sexually attractive, I do not really know where a relationship can go from there, sorry!

[Byron12]

Funny, in all three of my serious relationships, I was definitely the better-looking partner. The first guy had a great physique but just an okay face and was prematurely balding. By his early thirties he was completely bald.

 

Second guy was only 5'6" and I am 5'7". He also was 18 years older than I was. He did have a handsome face and nice body (he was a karate black-belt), but he was, objectively speaking, short and "old."

 

Third guy had a bit of a beer belly, a skinnier penis than ideal, and looked about ten years older than he was whereas I've always looked young for my age (no wrinkles; smooth, bright skin).

 

I remember how I felt when the first guy stopped cold in front of me as I was sitting cross-legged on the floor, and pointed at the dimples on my thigh. "What's THAT?" he asked in disgust. "A bit of cellulite," I answered. I felt crushed, and that exchange sank deep in my psyche and left me with this vague insecurity that he didn't absolutely adore me. It also made me angry, though I never said anything about it; I just brushed it all off. But it made me angry because he had scars on his lower abdomen from a surgery he'd had as a child, and he was very self-conscious about it, and I'd NEVER have said anything to shame him for it. Also, here I was, objectively much more beautiful than he was handsome, and he had the nerve to criticize my body?

 

The second guy I felt something similar when he'd put me down for my weight. At 5'7" and 125 pounds, I may not be a toothpick, but I have a pretty great body. Fit, athletic, round butt. But for him I was not as skinny as he "preferred." He had ED problems and when he couldn't perform, he'd blame my "weight." I got to where I wanted to SCREAM at him that he shouldn't be talking because a) he was short, b) he was old, and c) his d*ck didn't work, but I bit my tongue while feeling total disbelief at his shallowness, when if I or any other woman had that same degree of shallowness, he'd be forever single. And I'll tell you, it took me several years after the end of that relationship to regain a realistic appraisal of my body.

 

Third guy put me down in other ways, but he was always sky-high complimentary of my looks.

 

I guess my point is that for me, and for so many woman I know, we have to overlook a lot of body hair, body smells, beer bellies and such in the men we date, and we do overlook it. It's what you do when you love someone. I mean, if someone gains a tremendous amount of weight such that it completely alters their appearance, then sure, that's an issue. But fluctuations here and there? We all have them. OP, I imagine you're not a male model and so I'm sure your gf has overlooked many appearance flaws in you, too.

 

Your relationship might recover on the surface, but I think something has been stirred up that isn't going to go away. For one, do you REALLY love her? And for her, she might not be able to really be as into the relationship, since women love feeling beautiful in their man's eyes.

 

I do really love her, yes. I would do anything for her. And I would do anything to make her feel beautiful again.

 

I think in large part, I've taken for granted all of the truly amazing things about our relationship. Now that we are potentially on the brink, I am seeing all of these things and realizing that my love for her is about far more than looks alone.

 

If she were to accept my apology, I would stop focusing on the weight/looks and focus more on understanding her, making her feel less stressed, and being healthier together. In other words, I would focus on the root of why things may have changed in the first place, and work together with her to make these things better.

[MarkIVSteel]

I think you are falling into a trap without even realising it. Let me ask you this, after reading through what you just wrote several times, and how you've acted, would you say that the dominant energy was masculine or feminine?

 

I draw attention to this because Ive noticed quite a lot of men become the feminine energy in a relationship without even realising. Be honest with yourself and then ask yourself that question.

 

It's sad. Men nowadays are acting more like women.

[Blanco]

I guess it's inevitable, but it's a shame these types of discussions always turn into some sort of men versus women, beta versus alpha debates.

 

I see how they're applicable, but I think the subject at hand can exist outside of the above contexts.

[olivetree]

You absolutely did the kind thing. When you hurt your partners feelings, it is important to acknowledge her hurt and take responsibility for it. To me, that is what a real man (or woman) would do.

 

It is no coincidence that women are the sex (usually) that wear makeup, padded bras, extensions, etc. As elaine said, women love to feel physically adored by their partner, so it can be a huge blow to feel like your partner is not attracted to you. She feels rejected and let down. Especially when you've just left the honeymoon phase in which you probably couldn't get enough of each other.

 

Her taking space (it's not a breakup) for a week to get through this on her own is her choice. We are all unique and we all get to decide what we will and will not tolerate.

Edited November 15, 2016 by olivetree