I think I may have ruined my relationship

[dispatch3d]

I mean you didn't say the right things that for sure, and its pretty hard to defend you. That said she cried the whole night then took a 1 week break? Talk about going nuclear, holy crap.

[RecentChange]

I don't think I have cried a whole night about anything... so yes, perhaps that is a bit dramatic.

 

But on the other hand, if I loved my boy friend dearly, and knew something was wrong (no sex all vacation!?) And then he told me, yes, something is wrong..... I got fat and sloppy and he is no longer attracted to me - I think I would find that fairly devastating and it would cause a serious blow to my sense of self.

 

There is sex..... and then there is sex in the context of a serious relationship.

 

Sex in a LTR should be about bonding. About being absolutely vulnerable - and total trust that you can be vulnerable without being hurt. About sharing love and intimacy. About sharing physical pleasure and bringing pleasure to the one you love.

 

To hear that your boyfriend isn't interested in any of that any more, because you are now no longer attractive to him - ouch

 

And that's why I also ask about how much weight are we talking?

 

If she put on a large amount quickly, approaching it under the angle of a health concern would have been a better angle.

 

If it's not a large amount of weight - maybe she isn't "the one"? Mother hood, age, many things can slowly rob a woman of her physical beauty, and if your attraction is so precariously tied to that.... I don't know that this relationship would have stood the test of time anyway.

[Buddhist]

what does her mother look like? If I'm serious about a woman, I always check out her mom, and not just for pleasure but for research.

 

I'm always curious about this statement. I don't take after my mother at all. We look nothing alike and our eating and lifestyle habits could not be more different. Statements like this just ingrain in the female psyche that men are by and large totally interested in how good looking a woman is and how long she will remain so. Regardless of what time might do to him etc. I never look at a man's father and conclude well he's going to end up a bald pork chop, better not go there.

 

If some dude looked at my mother as a way to gauge my long term potential I would know immediately that he's not an individual I'm interested in any longer. It shows a complete and total self involvement I'm not at all amenable to.

 

With regards to the OP and his issue. Well, sorry to say but those words will now be ingrained in her mind for a very long time. Likely never forgotten. It's not so much that you noticed her weight gain nor that you even dislike it. What you're saying to her without words is that her weight gain, appearance and how she appears are the highest priority to you. You can't un-say that. She is now likely re-assessing whether she wants to be in a relationship with someone who has that as their highest priority. Many women do not want to be in relationship with a man like this because they know that at some point she will be discarded as a result.

 

Finding a life partner is difficult for men and women. Everyone, without exception wants to be with someone who is thoughtful, kind, respectful and will stick by them no matter what. You've just demonstrated you aren't likely to be that person for her. Watch out now because she may just lose the weight, then lose the boyfriend who [appears] to care primarily about it.

 

I'll go out on a limb here and make a statement that I think applies to all people regardless of gender. People want to look the best they can, for themselves as much as for anyone else. It feels good to look good. But no-one wants to be with someone who just likes them for how they look. Like it or not, this is what you have told your gf in so many words. Even if it isn't what you intended.

[RecentChange]

I'm always curious about this statement. I don't take after my mother at all. We look nothing alike and our eating and lifestyle habits could not be more different.

 

Hahaha yeah seriously! While genetics affect looks – first remember that the other only contributes 50% and that life style matters as well. If you wanted to play that game, you would also need to look at all 4 grandparents.

 

Lets see, my mom is:

Just shy of 5’2”

Has HUGE breasts, but no booty (apple shaped)

Eats processed foods / high fat / high sugar

Lifelong smoker

Has never been one for exercise

 

I am:

Just shy of 5’7”

Flat chested with a big booty (pear shaped)

I have never smoked.

I watch what I eat.

I run three miles a day.

 

We do share hair and eye color (brown), and some facial features.

 

And even more extreme – my half-sister (same mom) she is:

Just shy of 5’8”

Blond hair, blue eyes

Very thin and toned (but got mom’s breasts)

Very serious about her health and exercise (a vegan marathon runner) – and she is model gorgeous.

 

If you stood her up next to my mom – or even compared pictures of my mother at 45 compared to my sister (who at 45 could pass for early 30’s) – you wouldn’t even guess they are related.

 

I never look at a man's father and conclude well he's going to end up a bald pork chop, better not go there.

 

Good idea! Because the gene that causes balding is passed on the Y chromosome – meaning it comes from the mother genetically. If you want to know if a man is going to go bald – you would have to look at his uncles on his mother’s side.

[LD1990]

I'm always curious about this statement. I don't take after my mother at all. We look nothing alike and our eating and lifestyle habits could not be more different. Statements like this just ingrain in the female psyche that men are by and large totally interested in how good looking a woman is and how long she will remain so. Regardless of what time might do to him etc. I never look at a man's father and conclude well he's going to end up a bald pork chop, better not go there.

 

There are always exceptions and it's not bulletproof, but it works a good percentage of the time. Not just for seeing how they look, but their personalities and the values they've taught their daughters. A woman is more likely to take fitness seriously if she has a mother who does the same.

 

If some dude looked at my mother as a way to gauge my long term potential I would know immediately that he's not an individual I'm interested in any longer. It shows a complete and total self involvement I'm not at all amenable to.

 

I've had a girlfriend approvingly tell me that my Dad is handsome. I told her that her mother is attractive. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal. I think it's a compliment, if anything.

 

Finding a life partner is difficult for men and women. Everyone, without exception wants to be with someone who is thoughtful, kind, respectful and will stick by them no matter what. You've just demonstrated you aren't likely to be that person for her. Watch out now because she may just lose the weight, then lose the boyfriend who [appears] to care primarily about it.

 

I'll go out on a limb here and make a statement that I think applies to all people regardless of gender. People want to look the best they can, for themselves as much as for anyone else. It feels good to look good. But no-one wants to be with someone who just likes them for how they look. Like it or not, this is what you have told your gf in so many words. Even if it isn't what you intended.

 

And he did stick by her. He's not the one who left. If all OP cared about was looks, he would have dumped his girlfriend or called her out on her weight gain. He did neither. He kept his feelings to himself until she pressed him on what was wrong. His posts make it blatantly obvious that he cares about her for far more than just her looks.

 

It's funny how if a person lets them-self go in another area of life, it's a valid reason to dump them, but when a woman gains a significant amount of weight the man is supposed to accept it just because. If a guy decided he was sick of working and wanted to be a bum, no one would be telling his girlfriend to stick around.

[Buddhist]

but when a woman gains a significant amount of weight the man is supposed to accept it just because.

 

Don't try and turn my words into a gender debate. I was very careful to point out two things....

 

- That the whole package is important to ALL people when making important relationship decisions.

- That this how most people will interpret his words. I never said he thought this way, nor that he didn't care about her. But even the OP has pointed out his delivery was tactless and really does make it look like it's what he cares about.

 

It's really no different than the assumption that someone is a gold digger because their [seeming] primary concern in a relationship is money. It may not be that person's intention, but it's how that behaviour is commonly interpreted.

 

The OP is concerned he may have ruined his relationship. That concern is valid IMHO, he may have. Most people treat relationships like social contracts.....I'll like you as long as you....insert list of demands here, qualified by deal breakers here. This is the major reason why I no longer participate in them, if I want that kind of relationship I can go and get a job. It's the same thing. Yet despite that reality a lot of people are searching for something different. A relationship built on mutual admiration and respect. The OP's lack of tact and choice of subject matter devalued his relationship with his gf, whether he wants to see that or not. Just as she devalued the relationship with him by failing to adhere to a certain weight and code of dress. Both of them are now starting to realise what their relationship is really based on, and it's not what they thought it was.

 

This situation is very typical of relationships breaking out of the hormonal phase. Now, they are being confronted with the real people behind the fantasy. Many relationships, if they are social contract types do not survive this natural and normal progression because both parties become dissatisfied with the change or rather evolution. The ones who've developed a bond beyond the physical will progress and grow stronger. The rest, will fall apart at this stage.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Buddhist

[thecrucible]

I think it's hard to assess her reaction unless which words he actually used when he told her.

 

In relationships it's natural to gain and lose weight and it's sometimes related to life events outwith our control like medication we are taking or stress. If OP's gf has gained weight and is taking less care over her appearance, maybe she has lost some confidence in herself for some reason or she is stressed about something going on in her life. And if she feels unattractive, sex will be less appealing because she will be nervous about being naked around you.

 

I think as a woman all I'd want to hear is that my man loves me whatever my appearance. It doesn't mean I'll let myself go completely but I'd want to feel safe in the relationship during ups and downs in life. When I've been really attracted to a man as a whole person, I've always maintained attraction to him after some time together even though his appearance has changed.

 

Hm I think it would be different saying to a partner something like 'we've both let ourselves go to some extent' as it discusses the relationship rather than the person. It could be saying something like 'You used to really love dressing up and took so much pride in what you were wearing. You don't seem as bright as you usually are. Is everything okay?' and it's phrased more about her welfare than her appearance directly. Then you could organise a night out or weekend away where getting dolled up is involved as this will get her excited and increase your confidence once she sees your reaction. I mean every girl likes to feel a million dollars on a night out.

[Popsicle]

Soul searching is a good idea.

 

Btw, talking about a woman's weight/body is just as sensitive a topic as a mans penis size.

[Gloria25]

**pfft**

 

Ok, give her a permanent break. See if with her dolled-down and gained-weight self, she can attract another guy.

 

Look, we live in a day/age where women don't respect their men. Men dumb enough to marry women now a days spend the rest of their life walking on eggshells.

 

Now a days every/anything you say to a woman is offensive (look at our recent presidential elections - where if you didn't vote for a woman, you're sexist). If you stay with her and eventually marry her, it's gonna get worst and at that point you'll be stuck in a situation with a couple of kids and commingled finances. Right there she's really "gotcha" and whine all you want, you can't escape your prison sentence.

 

See, thing is, many men stay single now a days cuz they darn well know that if they commit to a woman, she'll get "comfortable" and it's game-over.

 

I think she's wrong here. Instead of her taking responsibility for getting "comfortable", she's manipulating with the tears and gonna threaten you with a "break".

 

Go back to her if you want, but dude seriously, if you have no kids with her and she already is getting sloppy - it's only gonna get worst once you have kids and get married. Then, her excuse is gonna be the kids, the sky, the moon, etc.

 

Oh yes, but she has so many qualities besides gaining weight, getting sloppy, and pulling back on the sex. Ok, well, imagine 18 years (the time it takes to raise a kid) of her getting heavier, no dolling up, and no sex...does her redeeming qualities still override having to sleep next to Shamu - who won't even let you touch her?

[frus69]

Thanks to all who have responded thus far. I appreciate the many different perspectives you’ve all shared. I think there is validity in all of these responses: I wasn’t necessarily wrong for being honest, but I could and should have phrased things much better than I did. I don’t regret bringing it up NOW, as opposed to not saying anything all – I don’t think that would have led to a positive outcome. But the wording and my lack of perspective was insensitive, to say the least.

 

So now, I need to figure out next steps. What are your recommendations on what I should do in the meantime? I assume there is no use contacting her during this “break,” right?

Her change affected your sexual desire towards her. This is the FACT that's not going to change and this is the REAL problem in your relationship which is also not going to disappear even if you had worded carefully at the first place.

 

 

The issue here is not that you said the wrong things and she got angry, it is that she lost your sexual attraction. And it is no your fault.

 

 

So instead of only thinking about how to get her back, may I ask are you suddenly going to be sexually attracted to her again when she's back?

[Gloria25]

Soul searching is a good idea.

 

Btw, talking about a woman's weight/body is just as sensitive a topic as a mans penis size.

 

A man can't control his penis size. A woman can do something about her weight - even when it maybe cuz of a medical issue (i.e. slow metabolism).

[Byron12]

Wow, thanks everyone for the replies. Right or wrong, I sent her a text tonight apologizing again and vowed to never hurt her again. I told her she makes me a better person and I want to be a better boyfriend for her going forward. I explained how much I love her and how I know she's the one for me. Time will tell if she responds, but I imagine it won't be soon.

 

I am planning on also sending her a bouquet of flowers tomorrow. I'll add updates as they come. Thanks again for the feedback everyone.

[Gloria25]

Wow, thanks everyone for the replies. Right or wrong, I sent her a text tonight apologizing again and vowed to never hurt her again. I told her she makes me a better person and I want to be a better boyfriend for her going forward. I explained how much I love her and how I know she's the one for me. Time will tell if she responds, but I imagine it won't be soon.

 

I am planning on also sending her a bouquet of flowers tomorrow. I'll add updates as they come. Thanks again for the feedback everyone.

 

How did you hurt her? By telling her the truth?

 

Boy, I swear that I have no game. Fat, lazy, and withholding sex = Score 1. Gloria25 = Score 0.

 

This tread confirms that guys like being tortured. Women who play games win all the time.

 

BTW, know that from this point forward when sex diminishes or stops, she gains weight, and/or stops making herself nice for you - you cannot complain. EVER.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Gloria25

[dispatch3d]

Yeah like Gloria I would be handling this differently. She went way overboard on how upset she got.

[frus69]

How did you hurt her? By telling her the truth?

 

Boy, I swear that I have no game. Fat, lazy, and withholding sex = Score 1. Gloria25 = Score 0.

 

This tread confirms that guys like being tortured. Women who play games win all the time.

 

BTW, know that from this point forward when sex diminishes or stops, she gains weight, and/or stops making herself nice for you - you cannot complain. EVER.

 

OP doesn't represent all men. And if he's willing to work it out with her, good. After all we all get old and ugly, but we would still want our lovers to still love us.

 

 

I'm not sure why you say she's fat, lazy and withholding sex. If I read it right, it's the OP who didn't want sex with her? And she asked why and he said he didn't find her attractive anymore. I believe she was truly hurt, not playing games here.

 

 

I do think she's over reacted a bit. I hope they work it out

[Byron12]

Update: just got a response to my text. She said she is still hurting and that she needs more time before she is ready to talk (no surprise). She said that when she is ready, she needs to understand where I was coming from when I said what I said. Frustrating that she still wants to focus on this, but I'll have to come up with something incredibly tactful.

 

Also, I'm worried she's told all her parents and friends about this. Would make turning this ship around that much more difficult. ****.

[frus69]

Update: just got a response to my text. She said she is still hurting and that she needs more time before she is ready to talk (no surprise). She said that when she is ready, she needs to understand where I was coming from when I said what I said. Frustrating that she still wants to focus on this, but I'll have to come up with something incredibly tactful.

 

Also, I'm worried she's told all her parents and friends about this. Would make turning this ship around that much more difficult. ****.

 

I still want to know how are you going to find your sexual attraction back?

 

 

Also doesn't sound like she is willing to lose weight for you. I don't like that and I'm a woman. I believe if she loves you, she should take into consider your feelings too.

[loverboy69]

Reminds me of an old VP at work who would always tell us of his "open door," policy and how no topic was off limits. We all knew he was full of it because he'd scream at anyone who ever brought anything less than positive to his attention.

 

The truth is that most of us (including myself) can't handle the truth especially when it bruises our ego.

 

The OP told his SO the truth. He has balls I'll give him that. Now his female SO has a bruised ego, a decrease in her self esteem and now thinks he's a big jerk.

 

My brother in law is going through the same thing. He wants my sister to get back in shape (together) but he doesn't know how to approach it. My sister will tear him a new one if he tells her the truth.

 

A man will never win in this situation other than claiming a moment of amnesia or dementia with a doctor's note in hand to prove it.

[Poutrew]

Update: just got a response to my text. She said she is still hurting and that she needs more time before she is ready to talk (no surprise). She said that when she is ready, she needs to understand where I was coming from when I said what I said. Frustrating that she still wants to focus on this, but I'll have to come up with something incredibly tactful.

 

Also, I'm worried she's told all her parents and friends about this. Would make turning this ship around that much more difficult. ****.

 

Okay, this response is total BS. The OP is moping around the house, crying buckets because he has verbally hurt his girlfriend. What does she do? Take a week long break from the relationship to 'think about things'. Sorry, OP. There is more to this story than what she is telling you. While you are crying in your soup, she is doing... what? With your update, it sounds like she is out at the bar getting some strange, getting ego boosted by other men who are telling her whatever she wants to hear so they can get into her panties. And, she is liking it. She is learning to live life large, without you. Hence her telling you how she wants to stay single a little longer, to 'think' a bit more about things... sounds like she has a hot date with some guy and she doesn't want you spoiling her fun quite just yet. Yes, I am sure she will eventually come back to you, after she has gotten her fill of penis, and wants to settle down. Especially now that she knows you will be a properly whipped boy who will *NEVER* criticize her again...so is that who you are? Personally, I wouldn't take this abuse from someone whom I thought loved me. I would tell her to stick with whatever or whoever she is currently with because I am not her toady. The world is too large and life is too short to put up with bull this crap from anyone.

[Blanco]

Telling a partner, man or woman, that you have a problem with something significant related to their appearance is like trying to diffuse a bomb, expect all of the wires will set off the bomb.

 

Still, I think everyone owes it to both themselves and their partner to do what they can to maintain themselves to a reasonable degree. A few pounds here or there isn't a big deal, but barring pregnancy or a major health issue, I don't think it's unreasonable to take issue with your partner putting on a lot of weight in a short period of time.

 

Being in a monogamous relationship isn't a free pass to let your appearance go to hell, whether you're a man or a woman.

 

I think the OP's (ex?) girlfriend is taking things a bit far with how she's handling things since the comments were made. OP probably approached the subject like a derpy sitcom husband, but it sounds like his gal agrees there's an issue.

[Gloria25]

OP doesn't represent all men. And if he's willing to work it out with her, good. After all we all get old and ugly, but we would still want our lovers to still love us.

 

 

I'm not sure why you say she's fat, lazy and withholding sex. If I read it right, it's the OP who didn't want sex with her? And she asked why and he said he didn't find her attractive anymore. I believe she was truly hurt, not playing games here.

 

 

I do think she's over reacted a bit. I hope they work it out

 

This is not a case of "old and ugly". We're all gonna get wrinkles and saggy breasts. The OP's gf is gaining weight and won't keep up her appearance AND she's lowering/stoping the sex with him, that is something she has control over.

 

And how can you blame him from not wanting sex with her cuz she's doing all this? BTW, some women, when they wanna turn off their man from having sex, start doing things like this (gaining weight, letting themselves go)...it's sorta a passive/aggressive way to turn a guy down for sex. My FWB from a few years ago? His exwife would complain about having a UTI, but refused to go to the doctor about it...so, she used the UTI as an excuse to not want to have sex with him cuz how can you argue with someone who has a UTI? That would be cruel. Well, the OP's gf is probably playing the same passive/aggressive game. Get sloppy and unattractive and put the onus on him if he dare address it to her.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Gloria25

[Gloria25]

Update: just got a response to my text. She said she is still hurting and that she needs more time before she is ready to talk (no surprise). She said that when she is ready, she needs to understand where I was coming from when I said what I said. Frustrating that she still wants to focus on this, but I'll have to come up with something incredibly tactful.

 

Also, I'm worried she's told all her parents and friends about this. Would make turning this ship around that much more difficult. ****.

 

If she told her parents and friends about this, that's another red flag. A mature person doesn't run and air the dirty laundry they are having with their SO to family/friends...they sit down as a grown-up and work it out with their SO.

 

Also, why would she need to run and tell anyone? You simply pointed out how she's gained weight, no longer puts effort into her appearance? Why would that require consulting with others?

 

Oh, I forgot, so the sisterhood can beat you up for hurting her... Again, we live in a society now a days where men walk on eggshells when it comes to women. I was listening to an old podcast the other day where the guys were talking how cursive writing was being removed from the schools and one reason is cuz the use of "Penmanship" was found offensive to women because of the "man" in "Penmanship"...That's political correctness on steroids.

[Gloria25]

Reminds me of an old VP at work who would always tell us of his "open door," policy and how no topic was off limits. We all knew he was full of it because he'd scream at anyone who ever brought anything less than positive to his attention.

 

The truth is that most of us (including myself) can't handle the truth especially when it bruises our ego.

 

The OP told his SO the truth. He has balls I'll give him that. Now his female SO has a bruised ego, a decrease in her self esteem and now thinks he's a big jerk.

 

My brother in law is going through the same thing. He wants my sister to get back in shape (together) but he doesn't know how to approach it. My sister will tear him a new one if he tells her the truth.

 

A man will never win in this situation other than claiming a moment of amnesia or dementia with a doctor's note in hand to prove it.

 

Look, when I wear a sweater-dress to work, the women begin with the snide remarks....as if I'm wearing the dress to offend them. Pleeeze, fools.

 

But mind you, every day they eat out or eat "dinner" food for lunch. How can you eat a full meal for "lunch" when we sit on our butts for 8 hrs a day?

 

They also don't work out. But, on top of the snide remarks, start talking about walking during their breaks, taking up an exercise class...but it's all talk. Also, its unrealistic. You can walk for a 15 min break all you want, but keep on eating full blown meals and take-out for lunch and the 15 min walk is a waste of time. I, as soon as I get home or before I come into work, I workout. I'm disciplined about it....NOT them.

 

It fumes my anger that instead of them getting off their duff and working out and sacrificing like I do and/or eating better. They sit there with snide remarks and fume. Some roll their eyes when I walk by. So please, I have no sympathy for the OP's gf. Typical don't do nothing about their appearance, yet sit there and hate anyone who dare walk past them who works hard to stay in shape. And, if their man dare ask they do something about their appearance, he's a pig.

[OnlyHonesty]

Oh man, I'm cringing for you. Never, never, never say anything like that to a woman. This is a prime example of the consequences of the moral absolutist's thing about always telling the truth. That kind of objectivity only works for rocks.

 

You've got a lot of work to do to make up for this if she'll let you. Don't wait a week. Send flowers, apologize profusely over and over, and for heaven's sake get out of that teenager mentality about looks. I hope she comes back, but you're in deep dodo –– it's possible that you've ruined it.

 

 

And I'm cringing om behalf of you for you for thinking that having the balls to be honest should be avoided. Ive never seen so much utter nonsense in my life. If you can't be honest with your partner, and they are not woman or man enough to be able to take this honest criticism, then maybe none of them have any business being in an adult relationship in the first place.

 

Send flowers? apologize? grovel profusely?

 

No wonder so many men remain in bad relationships, when there are so many other men telling them to behave like afraid puppies.

 

Constructive criticism has been some of the best things Ive ever received from people Ive been close to. I absolutely hated receiving it, I groaned and even sulked but in the end, I listened to what was said, acted on it and moved on.

 

I can't even believe what I'm seeing in this forum thread, so many people telling this man that he should apologize for expressing his unhappiness about his gf letting herself go, and telling him that he should never ever say that to a woman.

 

Screw that!!!

 

Be a man, be honest.

be a woman / man, take the criticism and act on it.

 

The saddest thing of all is that the OP listened to all of you guys bad advice and has now recoiled like a tortoise sticking his head back into his shell. How dare he be honest with his gf!!! The nerve!!!

 

Is she a woman or a girl?

[BaileyB]

You've done the kind thing Byron. If she chooses not to respond in kind, it's on her, not you.

 

If she doesn't forgive and move past this, it's best you learn this about her character now before you get more seriously involved. Because you want a partner who knows how to communicate, who fights fair, and knows how to resolve a conflict. This is an opportunity for you to see how she handles conflict in a relationship.

 

But otherwise, I've been trying so hard to ignore it, but I just can't believe the insensitivity of some of these posts.