I think I may have ruined my relationship

[Byron12]

Let me start off by providing some background into my relationship with my gf. We've been dating since July, 2015, and have been madly in love with each other. There is so much that I adore about her: her smile, her smell, her laugh, her intelligence, her sense of humor, the list goes on. We have a ton of things we like to do together: cook, watch Netflix, travel, spend time outdoors, and just being together.

 

Over the last couple of months, I've gotten the impression that our relationship has entered into the "I'm really comfortable with you now" phase, which, for the most part, is a great phase to be in. We can just be ourselves around each other, which is a beautiful thing. However, I've noticed that my gf doesn't get dolled up nearly as much as she used to, and has put on a few pounds. I've tried to encourage her by complimenting her a lot when she looks good and supporting healthy eating and consistent workouts (I've gone running with her a few times).

 

All that being said, it's put a bit of a damper on our sex life. We just got back from a 4-day vacation, and did not have sex once. I noticed on our trip that it appeared she'd gained a bit more weight and was often wearing baggy clothes, had messy hair, etc. Put simply, I did not find myself as sexually attracted to the woman I initially met.

 

When we got back from our trip, my gf asked if everything between us was OK. I told her what was on my mind, that I thought she'd started to let herself go a bit. I immediately regretted saying that, because she did not take it well at all. She explained that she knows this all too well, and that she's her own worst critic. I apologized profusely, but it was too late. She then proceeded to cry for much of the night, and told me in the morning she wants a one-week break.

 

Needless to say, I feel awful. I love everything else about her, but for some reason have been focused on the shallow, external stuff. I feel sick to my stomach for making her cry, weakening her self-confidence, and potentially ruining our relationship. There's so much more to my feelings about her than this. I love her more than anything and would move heaven and earth to take back the words I said. I also realized her sister used to have an eating disorder and didn't think of that before I said what I said. She's also been under a lot of stress with work recently, so that may be a partial culprit. In any event, I was an ***hole and framed things in a selfish way. I could have said it much more tactfully.

 

My plan is to do some soul-searching this week and to give her the space she needs. I am also meeting with my therapist this week and will share this all with him. I really hope I can find it in myself to focus on what I really love about her: what's inside. And I hope she can find it in her heart to give me a second chance.

[JoeSmith357-1]

Yeah, come on man, you can't say that... this is on you

[Satu]

snip

 

When we got back from our trip, my gf asked if everything between us was OK. I told her what was on my mind, that I thought she'd started to let herself go a bit. I immediately regretted saying that, because she did not take it well at all. She explained that she knows this all too well, and that she's her own worst critic. I apologized profusely, but it was too late. She then proceeded to cry for much of the night, and told me in the morning she wants a one-week break.

 

She might have perceived this as being cruel, given her vulnerabilities.

 

It was certainly ill-considered.

 

Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst.

 

 

Take care.

[salparadise]

When we got back from our trip, my gf asked if everything between us was OK. I told her what was on my mind, that I thought she'd started to let herself go a bit. I immediately regretted saying that, because she did not take it well at all. She explained that she knows this all too well, and that she's her own worst critic. I apologized profusely, but it was too late. She then proceeded to cry for much of the night, and told me in the morning she wants a one-week break.

 

Oh man, I'm cringing for you. Never, never, never say anything like that to a woman. This is a prime example of the consequences of the moral absolutist's thing about always telling the truth. That kind of objectivity only works for rocks.

 

You've got a lot of work to do to make up for this if she'll let you. Don't wait a week. Send flowers, apologize profusely over and over, and for heaven's sake get out of that teenager mentality about looks. I hope she comes back, but you're in deep dodo –– it's possible that you've ruined it.

[ThisisIt606]

We weren't there so we don't know the tone and exact words you chose.. but there really isn't a great way to communicate this. You have made an effort by complimenting her when she fixes herself up (reinforcement), encouraging healthy eating and going on jogs together. That's all great!

 

The fact that she admitted to letting herself go is important. Has she addressed this beyond the help you have given her? What's the crux of the issue? This seems to be more her problem at the moment. If she's willing to communicate and find the crux ( perhaps work stress like you suggested) maybe you two can work through it that way once you know the heart of the "letting herself go" issue

 

I don't think you should feel too bad. People shouldn't have to settle in relationships and just stop trying after x amount of time together. It's great that you spoke up and let her know. A healthy sexual chemisty is important in a relationship. I figure if a couple doesn't have that spark while they are still youngish, what is old age, a slower metabolism and decreased mobility going to do to he couple? If she can't change her ways, or if she rejects your help... consider moving on. The alternative would be to stay and be sexually U satisfied but love everything else about her. Ask yourself if you're happy now and could you live like this if she doesn't change her ways. Either decision is fine, it's just what makes you happier

 

You sound like a great, caring and sensitive guy who knows how to speak up. So just take some time to reflect, I think the therapist will help too

[Larryville]

Good relationships thrive when both can be vulnerable but still feeling safe. You robbed her of that, which likely means you no longer have her trust and by you even saying that to her was some serious disrespect.

 

Whether she admitted to "letting herself go" or not, does not matter, all she will ever see from now on is YOUR image of her at that moment.

 

You clearly had no respect for her to make such a statement. I’m pretty certain she lost some respect for you as well. When you lose respect you lose a relationship.

[ExpatInItaly]

Ouch.

 

OP, I get you were trying to be honest with her. But what exactly did you say?

 

We ladies struggle with our bodies and self-esteem. When we feel the ones closest to us are so unattracted they don't even want to have sex with us, well, it's pretty devastating.

 

There might be no coming back from this.

[LD1990]

I completely agree with ThisisIt606, and I don't see how anyone can say OP has no respect for his girlfriend to make that kind of statement. He respected her enough to be honest with her about how he felt.

 

I think people should also realize that the OP didn't just drop the "you got fat" bomb out of nowhere. His girlfriend asked him what was wrong, so he was honest.

 

It's funny, if a man takes his girlfriend for granted and stops putting in effort, the consensus is always "you screwed up." But this woman stops putting effort into her appearance, and she gets a pass?

 

OP, you didn't do anything wrong, and you had to have this conversation at some point.

[BaileyB]

Disagree. I don't think this conversation had to be had at some point.

 

I will say, I'm sorry that this happened. I'm sure that you didn't intend to be hurtful but you were in fact, just trying to be honest with her. I hope it's not the end and she can focus on all the good she has in you and your relationship.

 

But, I do agree with her in that we, as women, are always our worst critics. Our weight will go up and down over the course of our lives and we are always aware... She really didn't need you to point this out to her. And although it's a good plan to have healthy meals and exercise, you can't really encourage or pressure her to lose the weight. And, when you don't feel good about your body, it becomes so much more difficult to feel good about your appearance. We don't want to dress up, we don't feel good in our clothes - the baggy clothes become a bit of a protective measure sometimes.

 

You can however, love her throughout... For the kind, caring, wonderful woman that she is and the partner that she has been to you.

 

And let's be fair, I understand that attraction is important in any relationship and I agree that people should not "let themselves go." But, I'm assuming that we are talking about a few extra pounds here... 10, 20, 30 pounds. It might not be ideal, but when you really love someone, these things don't really matter as much... With a little maturity and perhaps a little more wisdom from this experience, you will have a better understanding of this.

 

Wishing you all the best.

Edited November 14, 2016 by BaileyB

[Larryville]

He is getting therapy and soul searching so is being proactive, At least he is willing to work on HIMSELF as well.

[MarkIVSteel]

Sorry but these responses are a big load of nonsense.

 

If a man had let himself go, stayed at home all day playing video games, didn't do much with his life etc and his woman brought this up to him and he threw a fit and demanded a "one week break".

 

The consensus here would be "he's a man child, op should dump him, blah, blah, blah."

 

These statements such as "never tell a woman this and that". No wonder so many women have entitlement issues with very fragile egos.

[VeveCakes]

I agree with above. It's good the OP told his gf before it became an even bigger problem. He didn't say he wanted to leave her over it! Jeesh!

 

People will shame you for not feeling as attracted to someone for gaining weight and not trying hard, but we like what we like and we can't help it. I think it is important for both parties to try their hardest to maintain their physical attractiveness throughout a relationship.

 

There is nothing attractive about people putting on 30 lbs and having messy hair more often than not.

 

It`s opened up the dialogue for you OP, I don`t think it`s a lost cause.

[Herbalist]

I completely agree with ThisisIt606, and I don't see how anyone can say OP has no respect for his girlfriend to make that kind of statement. He respected her enough to be honest with her about how he felt.

 

I think people should also realize that the OP didn't just drop the "you got fat" bomb out of nowhere. His girlfriend asked him what was wrong, so he was honest.

 

It's funny, if a man takes his girlfriend for granted and stops putting in effort, the consensus is always "you screwed up." But this woman stops putting effort into her appearance, and she gets a pass?

 

OP, you didn't do anything wrong, and you had to have this conversation at some point.

 

It's often a matter of person first, details second, when it comes to genuine love for someone. It's not that the details don't matter, just that they need to come second to the person.

 

If you notice that your partner is letting themself go, the first concern should be that something is wrong, maybe they are depressed, or stressed out, or some other issue. The details would be the ways in which they are letting themself go.

 

So then you might approach them from the angle of, "I noticed X, Y and Z, is everything okay?"

 

Not staying silent, waiting for them to address the elephant in the room and then saying, "X Y and Z are making me not want to have sex with you."

 

I actually just made a post in another thread about how easy it is to not be a douche, with the following instructions:

 

1. Care enough about a partner's feelings to make sure you know how they feel, even if you have to flat out ask.

2. Show that you care by not doing and saying things that are hurtful once you know how your partner feels about something.

 

In this case, he did not ask her anything, let alone how she was feeling, or expressing why he was concerned. He just went straight to an, "I'm unsatisfied because _____," angle.

 

Men and women tend to be sensitive about different things, although there are special exceptions. Weight issues are pretty high up on the list of sensitive things for women.

 

An equivalent for men would be performance in the bedroom. Many men are insanely sensitive about that, and you can find many threads in the history of the sexuality forum from women feeling unsure about how to bring up bedroom performance issues with their boyfriends/husbands because we know it is a sensitive topic for men. Same sort of thing.

[Larryville]

I noticed on our trip that it appeared she'd gained a bit more weight and was often wearing baggy clothes, had messy hair, etc. Put simply, I did not find myself as sexually attracted to the woman I initially met.

 

Mark I get where you and some others are coming from I guess for me is same kind of tactfulness most of us practice in the real world, there is a different level when it comes to relationships, especially someone who are supposedly “madly” in love with.

 

Just like if a co-worker did something wrong, you don’t call them out or if you do you have to be careful and respectful.

 

I work with a lot of students, many are frankly scatterbrained and have to be told over and over how to do crap. Likely raised by helicopter parents who never gave them responsibility. Would I call them out? No.

 

You come across people who are ****ty at their jobs, messy, lazy, can’t take care of their homes and yards, tactless, illiterate jacked up for some reason or another but folks call those people out like OP did to the woman he said he was “madly in love” with?

 

You have an honest, civilized, respectful conversation.

 

Now if he had not added in his original post how much in love with her he was and was just dating her well you do what you gotta do. I just feel you must be more respectful to those you truly love, tis all I’m saying.

[gorf]

Yeah dont mean to beat you down, but that was a no no. When it comes to noticing ANYTHING physical changing in your woman (that is within the realms of her control) then you go about different ways of talking and asking questions as to why she feels the way she does that has led her to physical changes. From weight gain, to different clothing style, there are multiple reasons. But to come out and just say you notice she let herself go "doesn't look very attractive" will never ever ever go well and only result in resentment. Hopefully this can be patched in time.

 

Could be what you said, the relaxed part of the relationship. She feels like you love her for more than the way she looks, secure so she relaxes. Could be simple as that. Either way, you cant take back the statement you made to her, but you can ask questions to find out why, and reaffirm that you still find her "wildly and amazing attractive like no other woman on the face of the planet.. you just noticed a change and wondered what it means" The damage has been done, that's why a statement like that might work. Might not. I wish you luck

[Byron12]

Thanks to all who have responded thus far. I appreciate the many different perspectives you’ve all shared. I think there is validity in all of these responses: I wasn’t necessarily wrong for being honest, but I could and should have phrased things much better than I did. I don’t regret bringing it up NOW, as opposed to not saying anything all – I don’t think that would have led to a positive outcome. But the wording and my lack of perspective was insensitive, to say the least.

 

So now, I need to figure out next steps. What are your recommendations on what I should do in the meantime? I assume there is no use contacting her during this “break,” right?

[RecentChange]

Hum, I see both sides I suppose.

 

Honestly I am surprised after less than a year and a half (not let's say 10 years when the limerence has long worn off), that a bit of weight, and not getting as dolled up killed your sexual attraction for her.

 

4 days of vacation and NO sex? You find her that physically repulsive? What has killed your desire for her? Is it really her hair do and make up that attracted you to her? How much weight are we talking, 10, 20, 40 pounds?

 

It's pretty common to get a bit of weight gain etc in a new relationship. I know I did. It was the shift from cooking for my self, to making "man food" for us for dinner. It was spending time with him rather than the solo hikes I would usually go on. It was the nights out, the drinking - oh and I can't forget the office job.

 

Lucky for me he always insisted he was attracted to me. Life settled into new routines and I lost the weight (I am now 20 pounds lighter than when we met).

 

Over the years his weight has fluctuated up and down, his hair is thinner than it was 15 years ago - but I love the heck out of him, and those things have never killed my desire for him.

 

And I have no idea of this applies to your situation at all - but men, PSA regarding hair and make up. It takes time!!!

 

I got out of my hair and make up routine for a while because my husband for one, seemed to expect me to get ready in approximately the same amount of time as he did. Then I would get the "you look fine! You don't need the make up!"

 

So I would skip it, but honestly i felt frumpy. And when I did take time to get dolled up, he would compliment me more and I would think (well if you gave me time I would look like this more often!)

 

So these days, I am back to "dolling up" before going out. If he gives me the "you don't need to" line I tell him I do it for ME. I like looking my best.

[MarkIVSteel]

She asked for a break so go out and f*ck other women.

 

I'm sorry but that is such a childish tantrum on her part. She got honest feedback and what did she do? She cut and run. You have to realize that it's only going to get worse. She wants you walking on eggshells around her, that's why she's trying to shame you for expressing your opinion.

 

Go date other women while she wants to take a "break". You will probably meet a better woman.

[Larryville]

I guess the real question is do you see yourself spending the rest of your life with this woman? Kids in your future? Because lets get real if she gained that much weight in 1.5 years imagine her after a kid. What does mom look like?

[salparadise]

4 days of vacation and NO sex? You find her that physically repulsive? What has killed your desire for her? Is it really her hair do and make up that attracted you to her? How much weight are we talking, 10, 20, 40 pounds?

 

No kidding... if it's enough to kill the sex drive he's seriously hung up on it. Maybe he should only date women who appear on magazine covers.

[BaileyB]

Byron, you seem like a very nice and reasonable guy.

 

I wonder if when she thinks about it, she will realize that although she may not have appreciated what you said, you may have a point. Hopefully, she will realize that she over reacted and want to make amends.

 

If your goal is to continue the relationship, I would suggest that you be kind and take the high road. Give her a few days to think about it, and then you could perhaps send her a note or some flowers. It will cost you nothing to apologize - you don't have to say that you were wrong, but tell her that you are sorry you hurt her, that you love her, and that you want to be with her. If she loves you and she wants to resolve the conflict, she will appreciate your kind gesture and hopefully, respond in turn.

 

If she doesn't forgive and continues to give you the silent treatment/punish you for your mistake, then you have more to think about if this is a good relationship, or maybe not...

[Noideanow]

why did you accept the break? why not fight for her that very moment show her how much you love her?

[BaileyB]

Agreed. I think it will mean a lot to her if you don't wait the week to contact her. You want to be respectful, but show her by your actions that you want her and you want to keep the relationship.

[LD1990]

I too am wondering how much weight gain we're talking about here. Because that makes a big difference. If your partner gains 20 or 30 pounds, I think you have a right to bring it up.

 

And it doesn't make the OP a bad person, or shallow. Everyone has their dealbreakers. You can't force attraction.

 

OP, I wouldn't contact her. She's throwing a temper tantrum, don't let her run you over just because she's mad. And you should seriously consider if this is someone you can spend the rest of your life with. Like Larryville said, what does her mother look like? If I'm serious about a woman, I always check out her mom, and not just for pleasure but for research.

[BaileyB]

OP, is this a usual response from her? If she has a pattern of getting upset and overreacting, then no, you may not want to respond to her. But, if this is out of character and has not happened before, then assume you touched a sensitive subject and you may want to consider contacting her to make amends.

 

Take care.