[long distance] GF wants a break

[Boscopiano]

I've been in a long distance relationship for around a year. The last twice we were supposed to see each other my gf had visa problems and got stopped at the airport, completely unfairly by US officials.

So it's been 4 months since we've seen each other. I was about to go see her in a few weeks but today she said she doesn't think I want to be with her enough.

I've been pretty emotionally non available for the last 3 months. Just talking about work. I had a strange upbringing and struggle to say the L word. But it got to the point where I wasn't giving her anything and I can see why she drifted away.

 

She said she loved me more than anything but doesn't think we are right for each other, I have too high expectations from her.

For the last two weeks she got stranger. We talked and I though sorted things but as soon as a day went past she'd go back into a shell.

This morning we talked and said for me not to come out and see her. She'll feel guilty if she's having these feelings and I come all the way there.

 

I asked her what she wanted to do and she said she wants some time and will contact me in a few days. I said that's fine.

 

I haven't been there for her. Or emotional enough. Or conveyed how I felt. Obviously it's too late. I did try on the phone and she said she didn't know I felt that way. I just expected she did if I was going out to see her. But I don't tell her how I feel, it's my own fault.

 

I know I have to just wait but obviously finding it difficult to concentrate on anything else so wanted to come on here and write it down.

And if anyone does have any advice, let me know.

 

J

Edited November 14, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
clarified title and merged 2 threads ~6

[Boscopiano]

I'm currently 24 hours away from my gf. We haven't seen each other for 5 months now. Every trip fell through due to visa issues.

I've been really emotionally unavailable when she needed me and pushed her to the point of separating herself. We spoke today and she said that she doesn't think she is the one for me, that I don't give her enough emotion, that she can't go on like this as it is. She said that I don't feel the way for her as she feels for me, that circumstances are making it impossible now.

Ended up she asked for some time, so I said that's fine and just waiting it out.

 

I know how wrong it is to do gestures when you break up. Ive always walked away, and usually it's meant to be and u move on.

 

I can't help thinking in this circumstance that things would be different if we were together going through this.

 

Obviously I'm going to wait to see what she says. But I'm thinking of just taking a plane out next week if she breaks it off, to talk properly and see if there is any chance of reconciling.

 

She kept saying that I don't show her I care enough, that I'd move mountains to be with her if I really wanted to be, and feels like I'm too non emotional.

I get that grand gestures don't work. But I feel like this is such a huge thing to do that she's going to give me a chance to talk it through.

 

Long term we can be together but it is all feeling like a never ending tunnel at the moment because of her visa situation, so it needs to be me going to her.

 

Advice please.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, why were you emotionally unavailable to her? If you knew this was a problem, why did you continue to behave that way?

 

It sounds like she waited so long for you to open up, that she just had enough. Making a grand gesture now is going to seem artificial and forced, and frankly, probably just too late.

 

If you want a chance with her at all, talk to her. Now. Don't just "wait it out." Based on what she is saying, you've already done far too much of that. Show her that she means something to you by opening the lines of communication. Flying out there unannounced is going to show her you did indeed have a way to make a visit happen, but you didn't want to bother until you risked losing her. Not good.

[DarrenB]

 

I know how wrong it is to do gestures when you break up. Ive always walked away, and usually it's meant to be and u move on.

 

I can't help thinking in this circumstance that things would be different if we were together going through this.

 

Obviously I'm going to wait to see what she says. But I'm thinking of just taking a plane out next week if she breaks it off, to talk properly and see if there is any chance of reconciling.

 

She kept saying that I don't show her I care enough, that I'd move mountains to be with her if I really wanted to be, and feels like I'm too non emotional.

I get that grand gestures don't work. But I feel like this is such a huge thing to do that she's going to give me a chance to talk it through.

 

Long term we can be together but it is all feeling like a never ending tunnel at the moment because of her visa situation, so it needs to be me going to her.

 

Advice please.

 

Our mind tells us gestures will go incredibly far and work in our favour. However, how often is that actually the case? you plan this huge scenario in your head and organise in the most 'perfect' way and you set out to embark on this type of Romeo and Juliet act and you can only assume of the best outcome rather than the worst. By my own experiences of doing this, I can tell you each and every time I've attempted it has only disheartened me and wondered 'why the bloody heck did I do that?'.

 

Obviously, this is a different predicament. She's willing, but you have to take the next step in moving forward. You have a chance to reconcile with a previous lover after 5 months. I'll be the motivator here and say go for it. If you really love her, if you really want to be with her, if you really see a future, then a 'grand gesture' like travelling hundreds of miles to see her might actually just work in your favor. If not, then that's highly unfortunate and it's a trial and error situation for you.

 

Regardless of what I've been through, I'm a firm believer in love and I'm a firm believer in minor to major gestures to prove that to someone.

[Boscopiano]

Thanks both.

Why was I emotionally unavailable? I'm just not good with emotions. I put all my effort into helping her career and was probably a bit hitler like in my approach. But that's how I thought I could help.

Meanwhile she's crying herself to sleep at night after Something that happened to her recently, which was really awful. I wasn't available much, still struggle saying the L word over the phone due to pretty aggressive upbringing.

 

She has said that it's different because I'm not there, she needs more.

I definitely understand that grand gestures do not work. Although 10 years I did one for a girl and it did, I don't know.

What I do know is that being so far away it's definitely over if it's over. This is such a momentously huge and possibly dumb thing to do, that she would never expect from me as she doesn't believe I care about her, that it may work.

 

If it doesn't, it doesn't. If it does, we may get married like she wanted to.

I don't know. I do know her though and I feel it's worth a go in our situation.

[Boscopiano]

OP, why were you emotionally unavailable to her? If you knew this was a problem, why did you continue to behave that way?

 

It sounds like she waited so long for you to open up, that she just had enough. Making a grand gesture now is going to seem artificial and forced, and frankly, probably just too late.

 

If you want a chance with her at all, talk to her. Now. Don't just "wait it out." Based on what she is saying, you've already done far too much of that. Show her that she means something to you by opening the lines of communication. Flying out there unannounced is going to show her you did indeed have a way to make a visit happen, but you didn't want to bother until you risked losing her. Not good.

 

Sorry, just on this point. She did say she wanted some time, so I def think I'm doing the right thing giving her that. It isn't actually over yet. But I feel possibly will be. U never know though once someone gets some space.

[Sequitur328]

I was in a long distance relationship for about eight years before I married my wife, so I completely know how hard it can be. I am sorry you feel anxious due to waiting, I wish I could tell you everything will be alright. It's tough because we are humans and tend to be selfish in a manner which hurts others. However, if you are interested in a selfless relationship you could try praying to Jesus, his love is so amazing.

[Boscopiano]

Hey Guys

 

I know this is really simple but with my head as it is i'd really like some advice so i dont mess up.

My gf wanted some time. She nearly broke it off on the phone but couldn't. I've been emotionally distant for months, we are in a LDR. Story on another thread.

 

It's been less than two days and she just text me

"Sorry i havent called you yet, how are you x?"

 

I know this is really straight-fwd. We havent broken up she just wanted space but i was sure she would break it off. With that though she does really love me and one of the most patient people i've known. I've been here once before and she usually does come around with space.

 

I was just going to say

I'm fine. Been busy with work. Don't worry. Take as long as you need."

 

It's actually 11pm here so could just leave it until the morning? I know that's counter intuitive. But if she's looking at her phone all day it's just going to draw out tension for her and make her more worried that she lost me.

 

Any advice? I know the second is a gamble but i feel like it would work best.

Or i could give it a few hours.

Sorry again for the rambling on something so simple, u know how it gets in your head! The message sounded pretty positive.

[Chief1970]

Don't waste time with small talk. Ask to meet in person.

[DarrenB]

Your opportunity has arrived. Cease it, but be wise.

 

Give it a few hours, then respond. What happens from there, is progression regardless so remember that.

[Boscopiano]

We are in seperate countries at the moment unfortunately.

I def think just asking to meet is going to rush things right now. Need to bring it in slowly to have any chance at all.

[DarrenB]

We are in seperate countries at the moment unfortunately.

I def think just asking to meet is going to rush things right now. Need to bring it in slowly to have any chance at all.

 

Then you've found a solution.

 

Just ease things up to an irl meetup (at a later date). Catch up with each other in the meantime

 

I'm sure she'll be more than willing to in no time.

[Boscopiano]

Then you've found a solution.

 

Just ease things up to an irl meetup (at a later date). Catch up with each other in the meantime

 

I'm sure she'll be more than willing to in no time.

 

Thanks man. Its 12am here and took a sleeping pill so really struggling to stay awake ha. Ill give it a bit longer then reach out. Fingers crossed.

So shall i just say," im gd, It's fine, take your time" and leave it there?

[DarrenB]

Thanks man. Its 12am here and took a sleeping pill so really struggling to stay awake ha. Ill give it a bit longer then reach out. Fingers crossed.

So shall i just say," im gd, It's fine, take your time" and leave it there?

 

All good. Everything will be fine.

 

Don't overthink or dwell on it too much at this time bud, you don't want to be an insomniac... that's the last thing you want.

 

Don't be too blunt but don't give off a huge impression that you're in your current state of mind. Go a little more in-depth. Ask how she's been of course. You want there to be a smooth, fluent conversation hopefully, not on and off.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks man. Its 12am here and took a sleeping pill so really struggling to stay awake ha. Ill give it a bit longer then reach out. Fingers crossed.

So shall i just say," im gd, It's fine, take your time" and leave it there?

 

No, because that also comes across as rather cold and impersonal.

 

Look, she complained about you being emotionally unavailable. If you want to make things right, you need to open up more. It's not a terrible thing to let her into your heart. You don't need to pour it all out, but you need to be willing to show more of your real feelings.

 

Tell her you are happy to hear from her, and that you would like to speak to her on the phone/Skype/FaceTime when she is ready. You need to personalize this interaction more or you will lose her.

 

Take it from a woman who dated a very emotionally unavailable man.

[Boscopiano]

So I waited a couple hours and text her this

"Hey, I'm good. How's things with you? And the fone, 23 can talk whenever you're ready"

I sent that at 1pm her time. It's 11pm there now and she hasn't responded so I'm a bit gutted.

I know she will at some point. Jus feel like she's checking in to make sure I'm thinking about her, now that's happened she backs away again. It was like that for two weeks.

Anyway, gonna go out tomorrow night n keep busy.

Was my message ok tho?

[Boscopiano]

So I waited a couple hours and text her this

"Hey, I'm good. How's things with you? And the fone, 23 can talk whenever you're ready"

I sent that at 1pm her time. It's 11pm there now and she hasn't responded so I'm a bit gutted.

I know she will at some point. Jus feel like she's checking in to make sure I'm thinking about her, now that's happened she backs away again. It was like that for two weeks.

Anyway, gonna go out tomorrow night n keep busy.

Was my message ok tho?

[ExpatInItaly]

So I waited a couple hours and text her this

"Hey, I'm good. How's things with you? And the fone, 23 can talk whenever you're ready"

I sent that at 1pm her time. It's 11pm there now and she hasn't responded so I'm a bit gutted.

I know she will at some point. Jus feel like she's checking in to make sure I'm thinking about her, now that's happened she backs away again. It was like that for two weeks.

Anyway, gonna go out tomorrow night n keep busy.

Was my message ok tho?

 

Yes, I think your message was fine.

 

There's not much else to do at the moment. Give her time and space. But, if this continues for much longer, I think you will need to call it a day so you begin healing and moving on.

 

What was the long-term plan for this relationship, out of curiosity? If she couldn't even visit you, would you have been willing to move to where she is? Or another country where you can both reside? It seems like the logistics here would have been very difficult to sort out.

[Boscopiano]

I was supposed to be going over in a few weeks. I have been emotionaly distant but i was working really hard to get her sorted so she had money and stuff to have more freedom. I mean i really put a lot of time in and she knows this, that's how i operate best, by practically trying to help, not so much emotionally.

Than she suddenly starts worrying that ill come over, shell be happy, then ill leave again. Then it went strange for a few weeks and now here we are.

We are in a position now that we either make a move or forget it. Im happy to move out there, i can work from anywhere. I havent told her that as it just isnt in the right place at the moment.

Maybe there was someone else, i dont know. She will contact me. I was surprised how fast that was as it wasnt even two days.

I've just got to keep busy in the mean time and prepare for whatever happens.

Space and time is the best thing for her, and if it doesnt work, its ok, you move on. I just hope i can get a point accross. When they shut down its just impossible whatever you say.

[Boscopiano]

She text me back.

So my last message said, I'm good, how's things with you? And that's fine, we can talk whenever you're ready"

So a day later she text back

"Thank you....yea I'm ok. Just working and getting sorted for the weekend....

 

So. Clearly she wanted a bit more space hence waiting a day and not continuing a convo which is good. I don't want to keep texting she needs me gone for a while to start missing me. It def sounds like she's sad.

Now she has text and it's my turn to reply I don't have to sit here looking at my phone and I actually feel productive for the first time.

I was going to text her over the weekend saying good luck for Saturday and leave it at that. The more space the better here.

 

That sound ok?

[Boscopiano]

It's been two days now and I just can't bring myself to reply to that text.

I want to leave some space so she can think, but I feel like I have to reply. Do I?

 

So she was having doubts and needed some time. I said that's fine.

She text me after two days saying sorry she hadn't called and how was I

I text her back saying I'm god, how is she and it's fine, we can talk when she's ready

A day later she text back, thank you. I'm ok, just going home for the weekend and busy with work.

 

ITs been two days now and I can't bring myself to reply because it means I'll just be looking at my phone again. I feel like I'm in a stronger position not replying at all tbh but a part of me thinks I have to because this whole started because of me being too distant all the time.

 

Anyone have any advice on what to do?

[Boscopiano]

Can anyone help me on this? It's real late here, her day just started n I need to decide to text or just leave it and go to sleep