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He's threatened to kill himself if we break up. [UPDATE: is this fair behavior?]

confusedgirlfriend11

By confusedgirlfriend11
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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goldway90 Established Member

goldway90

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I feel so foolish. I'm an intelligent women so why am I acting like such an idiot and slightly falling for his BS??

 

It's called Trauma boding ( read about it), this is why you fall for his BS. He knows you well enough to manipulate your emotions, keeping you with him. The way to break this cycle is a full NC, so please delete everything about this guy and never speak to him.

 

I recommend you to get two books that will explain a lot of why you fall for his manipulative tactics and also help you move on. You probably will have to seek professional help too. The books are :

 

Why does he do that by lundy bancroft

The betrayal bond by Patrick Carnes

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confusedgirlfriend11 Established Member

confusedgirlfriend11

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It's been a difficult few days again. He's being extra nice which confuses me more.

 

 

He says that he is moving out but there seems to be problems with each room he's viewing. He seems to always call me for my opinion.

 

 

We're in a limbo period of slightly acting like friends. I would like to be friends but I really don't think it's wise.

 

 

I think I just need to get him moved out then I can see things clearer then hopefully.

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
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It's been a difficult few days again. He's being extra nice which confuses me more.

 

 

He says that he is moving out but there seems to be problems with each room he's viewing. He seems to always call me for my opinion.

 

 

We're in a limbo period of slightly acting like friends. I would like to be friends but I really don't think it's wise.

 

 

I think I just need to get him moved out then I can see things clearer then hopefully.

 

He's stalling.

goldway90 Established Member

goldway90

Posted
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It's been a difficult few days again. He's being extra nice which confuses me more.

 

He's being nice on purpose, his goal is to confuse you and make doubt your decision. It's manipulative tactic used by abusers, they know exactly what are they doing, they want you confused not knowing wtf is going on to keep you hooked. All he wants his CONTROL.

 

His calls asking for advice have also an alternative motive, he wants to make you feel like your opinion matters to him when in fact he doesn't care about your opinion.

 

What this guy is doing right now is calculated manipulative behavior, don't fall for it.

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Why on earth are you still having these conversations? You know what they do to you. He is manipulating and confusing you.

 

Just say you don't give 2 short ships where he stays as long as he is gone. Don't allow him to be "nice" to you. Just tell him you don't want to talk to him unless it is directly related to a DATE And TIME for him to move out. Then WALK AWAY and don't listen to ANYTHING he says!

 

He isn't being nice, everything he's saying and doing is specifically engineered to manipulate you. You should stop being so "nice" back to him. He is attacking you!

Edited by PegNosePete
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elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

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It's been a difficult few days again. He's being extra nice which confuses me more.

 

 

He says that he is moving out but there seems to be problems with each room he's viewing. He seems to always call me for my opinion.

 

 

He is manipulating you and guilt tripping you.

 

He wants you to also see how horrible you are being by forcing him out and forcing him to live in some dreadful room.

He wants you to feel guilty, so guilty that you change your mind...

 

Stop giving him that power.

Where he chooses to stay is up to him now.

He is an adult man who made poor choices and is now paying the price.

You are not his mother, you don't have to put up with any of his nonsense any more.

 

 

)
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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Anytime anyone threatens to kill themself, you should call the police. Otherwise, they have found a way to trap you. Plus it might make them get some help.

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confusedgirlfriend11 Established Member

confusedgirlfriend11

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Sorry me again. So I thought he was making progress with moving out but it appears every room he views, there's something wrong.

 

 

I have recently been speaking to his ex girlfriend (I reached out) and she has confirmed so much. He literally hasn't changed at all. He is completely incapable of changing.

 

 

I am taking the things she says with a grain of salt but she has said quite a few things that I didn't realise. He has lied to me about so much. I am absolutely furious.

 

 

He was meant to be moving out on Thursday but I can't see that happening. I'm going away for a few days and I'm so worried about my house and dog as he'll be there.

 

 

I have people coming in to check on things but I just want him out. I literally am worried that if I throw him put before I go, he'll poison my dog or something.

 

 

I was going to keep the piece this week and pretend like nothings happened then when I get back on Sunday say he has until the following Saturday to leave (as previously agreed). By then if he hasn't moved, the locks will be changed.

 

 

I feel like I should speak to the police ahead of this as I am so worried he is going to do something crazy.

 

 

I literally hate him. I feel like he has messed with my mind for a whole year and he will make my life hell in the future too.

1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

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How much stuff does he have at your house? Is it possible to move all of his stuff to the curb on the same day you change locks? Do you have friends that could help you move his crap?

 

If I remember correctly, you said he works night shift...or opposite times as you.

 

Since you have your dog's welfare to think about, I agree with keeping the peace while you're away for a few days. That leaves plenty of time after you're back home for him to get the f*ck out.

 

Wishing you peace and hoping for the best!

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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I was going to keep the piece this week and pretend like nothings happened then when I get back on Sunday say he has until the following Saturday to leave (as previously agreed).

That sounds sensible to me.

 

I feel like I should speak to the police ahead of this as I am so worried he is going to do something crazy.

Unfortunately that won't really do anything to help. They can't arrest him because he might do something.

 

Could you put your dog into a kennel, or have him stay with a friend?

BluesPower Established Member

BluesPower

Posted
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Sorry me again. So I thought he was making progress with moving out but it appears every room he views, there's something wrong.

 

I have recently been speaking to his ex girlfriend (I reached out) and she has confirmed so much. He literally hasn't changed at all. He is completely incapable of changing.

 

I am taking the things she says with a grain of salt but she has said quite a few things that I didn't realise. He has lied to me about so much. I am absolutely furious.

 

He was meant to be moving out on Thursday but I can't see that happening. I'm going away for a few days and I'm so worried about my house and dog as he'll be there.

 

I have people coming in to check on things but I just want him out. I literally am worried that if I throw him put before I go, he'll poison my dog or something.

 

I was going to keep the piece this week and pretend like nothings happened then when I get back on Sunday say he has until the following Saturday to leave (as previously agreed). By then if he hasn't moved, the locks will be changed.

 

I feel like I should speak to the police ahead of this as I am so worried he is going to do something crazy.

 

I literally hate him. I feel like he has messed with my mind for a whole year and he will make my life hell in the future too.

 

confusedgirlfriend11...

 

Please do not worry about what and when you need to post here. We are all here to listen and give advice and encouragement where we can.

 

Hang in there, it should be over soon...

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confusedgirlfriend11 Established Member

confusedgirlfriend11

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How much stuff does he have at your house? Is it possible to move all of his stuff to the curb on the same day you change locks? Do you have friends that could help you move his crap?

 

If I remember correctly, you said he works night shift...or opposite times as you.

 

Since you have your dog's welfare to think about, I agree with keeping the peace while you're away for a few days. That leaves plenty of time after you're back home for him to get the f*ck out.

 

Wishing you peace and hoping for the best!

 

Thanks for replying. He has a fair bit but I could easily pack it all up in an hour or two.

 

 

I think I'm going to ask my brother to stay at my house this weekend to keep an eye on things. Then maybe Wednesday next week say he had until the end of the month so the locks will be charged soon. I won't say exactly when but if he doesn't then I'll have to change them on Saturday and put his stuff outside.

 

 

I am even considering speaking to the police ahead as I have already spoken to them about him.

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confusedgirlfriend11 Established Member

confusedgirlfriend11

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I just thought I would update you. It all kicked off last night. He followed me from work but said he had a viewing. Maybe I'm being paranoid but he knows exactly what train I get.

 

When we arrived home we were talking calmly, he asked me to keep his mail for him, I said just give me a forwarding address and he said no way so I said I'll send it to his work if he would prefer. To which he replied he will put poison in my garden to kill my dog.

 

I flipped. I was trying to push him out of the house. I'm ashamed I pushed him but he threatens to kill my dog again. The police arrived and took him away. He is now coming to collect his things by taxi this morning.

 

I feel like I overreacted. Am I in the wrong? I know he needs to go and this is for the best but I feel like people will think I'm stupid because it was a comment about my dog. Even now I've been worrying about where will he go, will he be ok? I'm an idiot.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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The police arrived and took him away. He is now coming to collect his things by taxi this morning.

MAKE SURE there is someone there for you! A male friend or family member. Not only for physical protection but also because he's less likely to flip out or say anything bad or make threats if there's a witness. This is extremely important DON'T BE ALONE with him EVER AGAIN. Make sure he picks up EVERYTHING; don't give him any excuse to come round again. Have it all boxed up in advance, just hand him the boxes over the threshold, and close the door.

 

I feel like I overreacted. Am I in the wrong? I know he needs to go and this is for the best but I feel like people will think I'm stupid because it was a comment about my dog.

You are absolutely not int he wrong. You tried to be nice to him, no matter how awful he was to you. You tried over and over to play nice. But he refused your kind offers and threw them all back in your face. At this stage you are absolutely in the right to get him out by whatever means necessary.

 

Even now I've been worrying about where will he go, will he be ok? I'm an idiot.

Well... not an idiot... but certainly a hell of a lot more concerned about his welfare than he deserves! He will be fine. He is a survivor. He is a leech. He will simply find a new victim to suck off. There's nothing you can do about that, I'm afraid. All you can do is to prise him off your own skin, and throw him back in the pond.

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keiji Established Member

keiji

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I know he needs to go and this is for the best but I feel like people will think I'm stupid because it was a comment about my dog.

 

You're not stupid. He threatened to kill your dog. Even if he doesn't do it, that's mean and pathetic. You're doing the right thing, don't feel guilty about anything.

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confusedgirlfriend11 Established Member

confusedgirlfriend11

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Thanks for the replies.

 

 

I know this is for the best and it's better he is now gone out of my house. I still keep feeling sorry for him as he doesn't have anyone here to help him and I feel like I should have done more to help him but we are in this situation now and I can't change it.

 

 

Deep down I can't see him changing that much and I can't just forget the hurt he's caused me.

 

 

I'm still very ashamed with how I reacted to his behaviour sometimes. I need to make sure I never repeat it again.

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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he doesn't have anyone here to help him

That's hardly surprising, is it? Considering how he treats people. He is reaping exactly what he has sewn.

 

Don't throw yourself under the bus, to help someone who has brought you nothing but hurt and distress.

Edited by PegNosePete
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confusedgirlfriend11 Established Member

confusedgirlfriend11

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That's hardly surprising, is it? Considering how he treats people. He is reaping exactly what he has sewn.

 

Don't throw yourself under the bus, to help someone who has brought you nothing but hurt and distress.

 

I know it's not surprising. He is such a troubled boy. He did do some nice things for me. He just didn't know how to handle himself properly. It's so sad.

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confusedgirlfriend11 Established Member

confusedgirlfriend11

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Me again.

 

 

It's been very strange since he moved out. I reached out to his ex girlfriend and have spoken to her and she has confirmed what he was like before. I know he was awful and really bad. I am taking some of the things she's said with a pinch of salt as she still seems very angry.

 

 

He has still be in contact all day. He says how he feels so much calmer now he has moved and is in a position now to seek help. I've always said actions speak louder than words so again I'm taking what he says with a pinch of salt.

 

 

I know I owe him nothing. He treated me really badly however I'm a kind person and I do still care about him. It's been fine talking to him, it's been like general chat and trying to see if each other are ok.

 

 

My issue is I know that I don't want to get back together. I do love him but even if he does 'change', it still won't be enough. My family and friends would be so angry with me if we got back together and also if he does want to move to Switzerland, it's not something I feel comfortable with at this moment in time.

 

 

I'm wondering whether I'm just delaying the hurt by continuing to speak with him? I don't feel like I can cut him completely out just yet. If he said to me that he doesn't want to talk to me anymore, I would be a little sad but I'd be ok with it.

 

 

I go on holiday in two weeks time and I'm going to try and stay off my phone. I thought this would be a good time to give myself some space to decide really what to do. Does this sound sensible?

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PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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Posted (edited)
I reached out to his ex girlfriend ... I am taking some of the things she's said with a pinch of salt as she still seems very angry.

You need to stop talking to her. It doesn't matter any more. You need to allow her to move on, constantly talking about him will just bring it all back for her. Remember that in a few months time, you will be her... and hopefully his next GF won't be calling you up asking abut him and making you angry!

 

He has still be in contact all day.

Look you've been told this many times by a lot of people so I'm not sure how much good it'll be for me to say it again. But just one more time.

 

STOP. TALKING. TO. HIM.

 

Block his number. Redirect his emails to spam. Block him on all social media. If he somehow gets through your blocks then IGNORE any contact he makes. If he manages to get through on the phone, HANG UP on him. There is absolutely NOTHING GOOD that can come from communicating with him any longer.

 

I'm wondering whether I'm just delaying the hurt by continuing to speak with him?

Yes, exactly.

 

I don't feel like I can cut him completely out just yet.

Why not? What is he adding to your quality of life? It's just prolonging your pain. You're looking at him with rose-tinted glasses, remembering the good parts but forgetting the bad. Before you know it he'll ask to meet for a coffee and then it'll be come see my new place, then it'll be dinner at yours and before you know it he'll be embedded in your life again. He is what they call an unflushable. You need to CUT HIM OFF like an infected limb, yes it's painful, but best do it before it gets worse!

 

I go on holiday in two weeks time and I'm going to try and stay off my phone. I thought this would be a good time to give myself some space to decide really what to do. Does this sound sensible?

That sounds excellent! Have a great time! Give your phone to a friend or family member if you can't keep off it.

Edited by PegNosePete
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1fish2fish Established Member

1fish2fish

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I understand how hard all of this must be for you and the conflicting emotions. Of course you still care about him, and the "normal" chit chat reminds you of how things used to be in the beginning - before he moved in and he showed his true colors. Am I right?

 

A slow fade would be perfectly acceptable given the circumstances. After all, it was only a couple of days ago that you thought he was following you, right?

 

Cutting all ties during your vacation would be much easier and a natural progression.

 

Whatever you decide, I'm so happy he's finally out of your house and your dog is safe. :)

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confusedgirlfriend11 Established Member

confusedgirlfriend11

Posted
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I understand how hard all of this must be for you and the conflicting emotions. Of course you still care about him, and the "normal" chit chat reminds you of how things used to be in the beginning - before he moved in and he showed his true colors. Am I right?

 

A slow fade would be perfectly acceptable given the circumstances. After all, it was only a couple of days ago that you thought he was following you, right?

 

Cutting all ties during your vacation would be much easier and a natural progression.

 

Whatever you decide, I'm so happy he's finally out of your house and your dog is safe. :)

 

 

Thanks for the replies.

 

 

It's difficult as it's been easy talking to him. It's been calm and dare I say nice. I don't want to get back together but I still enjoy having someone to talk to about my day etc.

 

 

I do speak to my friends and family but it's different with him. He does try to cheer me up and is showing he cares, albeit a bit too late!

 

 

Part of me wants to see him go to counselling and hopefully improve his life. I don't want to be part of the new life but this transitional period it's working ok.

 

 

When I go away, that'll be the perfect time to cut the ties I think.

Gr8fuln2020 Established Member

Gr8fuln2020

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Yay, good for you!

 

Good luck and don't look back on the good things too often. People have a tendency to recall the good things and when they get a glimpse of it again, start to question whether they made the right decision. Remember that you are now free to be YOU, safe, happier w/o him. You know him and it is not pretty.

 

Good luck!

PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

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I still enjoy having someone to talk to about my day etc.

The same guy who threatened to poison your dog, just a couple of days ago?

 

What on earth are you playing at?

 

You seem to have a VERY selective memory.

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