He's threatened to kill himself if we break up. [UPDATE: is this fair behavior?]

[Poe77]

I have no idea why he is asking if someone sells this drug.

 

 

!

Well hes not going to bake a cake with it...LOL OP dont be so Naive he wants to score and get high..you are already on the verge of breaking up? ide take him up on that offer and find some one whose not a druggie...why are you selling yourself this short?

[Buddhist]

Really, if you get to the point of taking this kind of action it's because subconsciously you know something is off. People don't just get it into their heads one day to check something like that for no reason at all. There is a concern, and very often, their intuition is telling them that their concerns are valid. I can't explain why, there are probably microscopic little details that somewhere your brain is registering even while consciously you are still blind.

 

Since you're on the verge of breakup anyway you've got nothing to lose by just admitting what you did and confronting him with it.

[Toodaloo]

When ever I have snooped its always been because my gut has been saying something is wrong...

 

Here is what you do.

 

Leave the fact you snooped out of it.

 

But you take your boyfriend to one side and you say the following

 

"While I have enjoyed spending time with you I think we are incompatible long term so I am afraid I no longer want to date you".

 

He wants to get high and you are already high on life.

 

Just get rid and date people who are more in tune with you.

[elaine567]

Yes there is no need to go into details, you are already on the verge of splitting, so just do it.

There is no need to discuss his drug issues with him or how you found out, as you are not going to be sticking around, what he dos now is not your concern.

 

You snooped as you could not trust him and you were right.

End of.

[phineas]

I don't get this.

You "are on the verge of splitting up"

but want to create even more drama?

 

Just end it, walk away, and never look back.

Unless you are the type who loves drama and you will break up and get back together 5 times what does it matter if he is using drugs now?

 

He's going to be gone today.

right?

[Joga_31]

I have been guilty of this many times =(

 

but I stopped for awhile and what I read in an article was that usually this means you are looking for something.

 

Meaning you don't trust your partner or even attempting to trust them. Which is not good for you because you might misinterpret something and for him it's not good because he will not trust you.

 

He might decide to lock his phone with a new password and then it might look fishy to you. Which in turns create more conflict.

 

Reading from your post though it seems like you don't really love him, because he does seem a bit racist and has a history of drugs. I know it not easy but from the outsider point of view it looks like you know what to do, but are hesitating.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Sorry I should've given more info. I don't want us to split up but there are quite a few issues (see previous post).

 

I shouldn't have snooped. I guess I knew I would find something. It's just trying to figure out whether he's scoring for himself or someone else. Either way I don't want any involvement with drugs.

[Poe77]

Sorry I should've given more info. I don't want us to split up but there are quite a few issues (see previous post).

 

I shouldn't have snooped. I guess I knew I would find something. It's just trying to figure out whether he's scoring for himself or someone else. Either way I don't want any involvement with drugs.

 

So its better to sit in the dark in ignorance? OP why are you even here? It seams you are determined to live in the drama and have made up your mind to accept this kinda behavior? its not normal for your BF to be getting drugs for anyone and its not healthy.

 

The fact hes was a druggie in the past kinda voids the fact you snooped so stop making this about that cause its not. its not like you have a over all healthy relationship and you snooped out of pure paranoia then it might be a big issue

 

You better accept involvement with drugs cause it sounds like hes not going to stop so ether leave and get yourself to a better place or just accept it...I really hope you choose to leave for your sake before it drags you down to..

Edited October 22, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[kmack513]

Impossible for a girl to snoop through my phone, computer, or laptop. they are locked and only I have to password. I would never do it to another unless they asked me to go through their phone for something. Drugs, pass no thanks.

[alphamale]

We're on the verge of splitting up any way

so basically you need a good excuse to seal the break up?

[smackie9]

Just breakup with him already..........

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Hi all,

 

 

Sorry me again. You'll see from my previous posts that I've had a number of issues with my 'fiancé'. I'm still struggling so much deciding what is the right thing to do.

 

 

One of the biggest issues in our relationship was the fact he occasionally takes drugs. At first I didn't say anything and then I finally discovered my self worth and realised I want nothing to do with drugs.

 

 

He has promised that he won't take drugs again but then in other conversations he says he 'may' take it. He's going out tonight for the first time since stopping taking drugs and I just have it in my mind that he will take something.

 

 

I have obviously told him my concerns and he just gets annoyed with me. Says I shouldn't keep talking about it because it's negative and that's not the way to be.

 

 

Baring in mind, he is going out from work and will have only have 5 hours sleep before work (he usually works nights) so he's slept from 5am till 10am then working 12-8pm and then is going to dinner then to a club. He says the club closes at 6am and he'll leave then. There's no way someone could last that long without taking drugs.

 

 

He isn't good drinking alcohol. He has two drinks and is tipsy.

 

 

Drugs isn't the only issue we have but for me it's the main one. On the flip side though, he can be very loving and caring. This is what is making it more difficult to decide what to do.

 

 

He has tried to make changes in the relationship to be better and so have I but it feels like he'd have to change so much about himself for me to be comfortable.

 

 

I just don't know at what point do you decide either way? I can't continue in a relationship thinking we 'may' split up. You're either together or not.

 

 

I'm not sure what advice you could offer, I guess it's a bit of a ramble really. Sorry.

[keiji]

Baring in mind, he is going out from work and will have only have 5 hours sleep before work (he usually works nights) so he's slept from 5am till 10am then working 12-8pm and then is going to dinner then to a club. He says the club closes at 6am and he'll leave then. There's no way someone could last that long without taking drugs.

 

This is simply not true. Last summer I was working two months in a row, without a single day off, and I was completely exhausted. I finished the commission, got drunk that night to celebrate, went home at 5am and got up at 10am to get ready for a wedding starting at 1pm. I arrived home the next morning at 7am. I didn't do any drugs at all. And hey, I'm almost 39, not exactly a kid.

 

He's been honest and said that he may take drugs again. If you're not willing to accept that, then break up. If the fact that he's taking drugs every once in a while is not OK with you and he's not ready to stop doing it, I think it's pretty clear.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

This is simply not true. Last summer I was working two months in a row, without a single day off, and I was completely exhausted. I finished the commission, got drunk that night to celebrate, went home at 5am and got up at 10am to get ready for a wedding starting at 1pm. I arrived home the next morning at 7am. I didn't do any drugs at all. And hey, I'm almost 39, not exactly a kid.

 

He's been honest and said that he may take drugs again. If you're not willing to accept that, then break up. If the fact that he's taking drugs every once in a while is not OK with you and he's not ready to stop doing it, I think it's pretty clear.

 

 

Ok that may be true for you but I don't think it's true for my OH. He is a big sleeper!

 

 

It's a difficult one as he hasn't done anything yet and maybe he won't. I guess I'm expecting the worse but he may surprise me.

 

 

Thanks for replying with your comments.

[keiji]

Ok that may be true for you but I don't think it's true for my OH. He is a big sleeper!

 

 

It's a difficult one as he hasn't done anything yet and maybe he won't. I guess I'm expecting the worse but he may surprise me.

 

 

Thanks for replying with your comments.

 

Well, you said this: "There's no way someone could last that long without taking drugs."

 

I hope he surprises you.

[Toodaloo]

Your question was when is the right time to break up. Truth is there is never a right time.

 

You just have to make your decision to stay or go then do it.

 

It hurts. It always does.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Your question was when is the right time to break up. Truth is there is never a right time.

 

You just have to make your decision to stay or go then do it.

 

It hurts. It always does.

 

 

You're 100% right. I think I'm using the drugs thing as an excuse. If he takes it, then I have a right to break up with him as I've explained my feelings about drugs.

 

 

We've spoken and I know he's miserable too so I think we just need to talk and decide whether it's even right for either if us to be together. Everyone deserves to be happy.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

Just thought I'd give a quick update: He went out all night and didn't take drugs.

 

 

He didn't get home till 9.30am on Saturday and said he drunk so much that he was sick but he didn't take drugs and I believe him.

 

 

However, we did have another huge argument and we have broken up. I'm still not sure he has completely accepted the end of the relationship. We've barely said two words to each other. He is sleeping in the spare room and I'm just avoiding him really.

 

 

I have asked him to leave by next weekend but he says he has no money to go anywhere else. I guess if he can behave and stay out of my way then he could stay till the end of the month but that's not ideal.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

You may have seen my other posts surrounding the issues I've had with my OH.

 

 

We've been having problems for months and we've both made lots of changes to try and improve things. But sadly I still can't see a future with him.

 

 

Too many bad things have happened in the past and some issues we have will always be there in the future.

 

 

I've explained how I've felt quite a few times and I have tried to break up but he always promises to change and says things will improve.

 

 

He has tried to change and I've praised him for this but sadly my feelings towards him have changed and I can't change them.

 

 

We spoke again at the weekend and I explained I just can't see how we can have a future together and he said if we were to break up he would kill himself as he has nothing to live for.

 

 

He has money problems, he doesn't like where he works and he's recently stopped taking drugs. I know he's going through so much and I have tried to support him but I'm so miserable.

 

 

He knows he can control me but saying he would complete suicide. There's no way I can leave him now. I was previously married before and five years ago my husband killed himself.

 

 

He knows how badly that affected me and he knows by saying that I could never leave him.

 

 

I've asked him to seek help but he's too proud to. He won't admit to his family that he has money issues, they all think that everything is perfect in his life and it is far from it.

 

 

The family don't know about the drugs or anything like that. He would probably disown him so he won't speak to them for help.

 

 

I've given him the number for Samaritans and another suicide prevention charity. I don't think he will call them.

 

 

All my family know the situation and they are so worried for me. My sister tried to help him and gave him advice but he hasn't listen to it all. She has now messaged him saying he needs to leave. I'm scared that will push him over the edge.

 

 

I'm at work now thinking am I going to come home to him killed himself. I couldn't live with myself if that happens. I feel so trapped. I don't know what to do.

[lana-banana]

Call someone in his family and explain the situation. If you don't have any numbers for his family, call 911 and do the same. If he isn't on the deed to your property they will probably force him to leave. Regardless of whether he intends to go through with it, it's a manipulation tactic and it is NOT your responsibility. Don't feel guilty about calling 911 over this. They take suicide threats very seriously.

 

I dated someone who was psychotic and the harassment didn't end until he was committed. It's a horrible process but a big part is remembering it isn't your fault.

[fromheart]

Notify his family that he's doing drugs and is suicidal.

 

You have to get away from him, he's not good for you in any way whatsoever. Sorry that you're having this experience, especially after what you've been through.

[confusedgirlfriend11]

I do have his father's details but the problem is he doesn't speak English. My OH is Italian. There's only so much you can say with google translate.

 

 

We live in the UK. The property is mine so he has no rights over it. It's difficult as I can't see him out on the streets. I know it's not my responsibility but I'm a caring person so I feel bad for him.

[basil67]

You might be a caring person, but don't forget that he's using the suicide of your previous partner explicitly to manipulate you into staying.

 

Have you called him out on his manipulation tactics?

[fromheart]

I do have his father's details but the problem is he doesn't speak English. My OH is Italian. There's only so much you can say with google translate.

 

 

We live in the UK. The property is mine so he has no rights over it. It's difficult as I can't see him out on the streets. I know it's not my responsibility but I'm a caring person so I feel bad for him.

 

 

I'm sure his father can get someone to translate a message from English to Italian. Flights back to Italy are cheap from the UK, if he doesn't have any roots here.

 

Bottom line, with what you've been through you can't have a man in your house threatening to kill himself. He's got to go for his sake as well as yours.

[Miss Clavel]

here we have something called a "baker act". it's where the law has a person taken to a psychiatric ward on a 48 hour hold, for observation.

 

that's what he needs. a safe place and an evaluation.

 

 

while he's gone, change the locks.

 

which is what i think i told you to do once before?

 

it's his life, he's free to do what he wants with it, including throwing it away. and that goes for you as well. throw your life away on an emotional blackmailer.

 

people in pain, want it to stop. they get very very very angry at the people they believe are causing their pain or failing to see the pain. they turn their rage inward and choose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

 

and his problems are temporary. if he quits drugs he will have more money. if he quits gambling he will have more money. if he decides to have a future, they he will. if he decides to go to a 12 step program and follows their suggestions he will see that others have overcome these problems and are living life. happy, sober and free.

 

it's his life. his choice.

 

do what you can to get him seen by a professional, do everything you think you need to do so that if he does end it, you can tell yourself, "i did everything i could to change the outcome, i can live with it".

 

that's important.