How often did/do you have contact with AP? Did amount of contact make NC harder?

November 14, 2016

I'm not Grapes but I got those too, so I'll add my thoughts from my own experience. He'd often text "Don't text" or "I'm out with her. Can't text" and the worst - "She's coming up." (to their bedroom). I always pictured this wildebeast climbing the stairs, slowly, slowly, coming up to their bedroom, grunting and growling.

It just made me feel lousy. It was a total reminder that I was second place, a dirty secret. He could have not said it like that, I don't know. After a while I would use her name. I knew he said "she" to dehumanize her. My H said guys do that so they are able to compartmentalize.

Mine started referring to his wife as the "roommate" and I'm not gonna lie, it pissed me off. I called him out on it, told him he didn't need to call her that as I KNEW they were not roommates and they were in fact married and calling her the "roommate" didn't change that. He did stop after I asked him to. I'm still not quite clear on why started doing that. Maybe he thought it would make it easier on me? Maybe to make himself feel better?

November 15, 2016

I'm not Grapes but I got those too, so I'll add my thoughts from my own experience. He'd often text "Don't text" or "I'm out with her. Can't text" and the worst - "She's coming up." (to their bedroom). I always pictured this wildebeast climbing the stairs, slowly, slowly, coming up to their bedroom, grunting and growling.

It just made me feel lousy. It was a total reminder that I was second place, a dirty secret. He could have not said it like that, I don't know. After a while I would use her name. I knew he said "she" to dehumanize her. My H said guys do that so they are able to compartmentalize.

You know I used to do that to xmm a lot. We were both married and would text eachother all evening and night. Sometimes my husband would sit next to me or he would want to borrow my phone etc. It's just the way it was. I would have to say, "gotta go" in the middle of a Convo. I guess that must have felt ****ty but it was not because he was second or a dirty little secret. ..just a wonderful secret that neither of us wanted discovered.

November 15, 2016

In the mornings, we would chat for 1/2 hour to 45 min until I had to leave for work. At lunch hour, we would chat too (even if we were both going out for walks, we would still text each other). In the evenings, most of the time we would chat for 2-2 1/2 hours per night.

On weekends, he would send me a "good morning" text, and we would chat for 2-2 1/2 hours in the evenings. We sometimes were able to text each other in the afternoons, depending on what other things we had going on.

At least twice a week, we would actually see each other (our "date night" and the evening that the organization we both belonged to had their meetings - on meeting night, we would be together for about an hour beforehand, and an hour after the meeting time). Other times, if it was a nice day out, he would go for a bike ride to my house (he only lives 5 min from me).

The only times I did not hear from him during our A was one long weekend, he was at a church campout, and there was a week where he was on vacation with his inlaws. All things considered, we did have a substantial amount of contact for an A.

In the beginning, NC was hard (and I was the one who initiated that - I was the one who did all the blocking from things/told him that if he ever showed up on my doorstep again, I would call the police). It felt strange not getting that "good morning" text at first/having someone to constantly chat with, but I am gradually getting my life back. I can sleep in a bit later in the mornings, I can go out somewhere and not have to put my phone on "obnoxiously loud" just in case xMM might text, I can do whatever I want whenever I want.

The idea of having any further contact with him (and between the fact that I initiated NC and blocked him everywhere, and that he and his W are religious and have their church and pastor so heavily up in their business, the chances of any contact are nothing) actually turns my stomach.

November 15, 2016

ExMM and I emailed all the time. There were less emails on weekends and vacations but it was still constant. During the week it was pretty much all day long until one of us went to bed and got the "good night" email. My email app had statistics on our emailing. I was shocked to see how many emails had been shared between us. I think the amount of talking we did does play a role in how hard NC is for me. We literally shared everything about our days with each other for 2.5 years. He never dissapeared on me. He was always there. We did have some bouts of NC initiated by me. They usually lasted a day or two except for the one before dday which was about 2 weeks of extremely LC. Then he came back telling me how crazy he'd been going without me and how heartbroken he'd been. We started talking again and just 2 days back in contact my husband found out about us. Kinda crazy to think that if we'd stuck to NC that time there wouldn't have been a dday.

Good news is that I got over halfway through my day before I realized I hadn't thought about him :-)

November 15, 2016

You know I used to do that to xmm a lot. We were both married and would text eachother all evening and night. Sometimes my husband would sit next to me or he would want to borrow my phone etc. It's just the way it was. I would have to say, "gotta go" in the middle of a Convo. I guess that must have felt ****ty but it was not because he was second or a dirty little secret. ..just a wonderful secret that neither of us wanted discovered.

Wonderful secret? To me that is an oxymoron. However, I do understand what you mean. That is exactly what xmm wanted. I just couldn't do it. I'm not cut out for these things I guess.

November 15, 2016

Mine started referring to his wife as the "roommate" and I'm not gonna lie, it pissed me off. I called him out on it, told him he didn't need to call her that as I KNEW they were not roommates and they were in fact married and calling her the "roommate" didn't change that. He did stop after I asked him to. I'm still not quite clear on why started doing that. Maybe he thought it would make it easier on me? Maybe to make himself feel better?

It was to make himself feel better and to delude you so you would have sex with him.

My H told the OW he loved me and was having sex with me and when she said, why are you here there, he said, "for fun". Shocker, she kissed him but that's it. He is aware he could have called me his roommate, said he was thinking of divorce and so on, just to get her pants off, but he didn't.

Everything these guys tell us is designed for one thing only - to get whatever it is they want from us - typically sex, oral, attention.

November 15, 2016

It was to make himself feel better and to delude you so you would have sex with him.

My H told the OW he loved me and was having sex with me and when she said, why are you here there, he said, "for fun". Shocker, she kissed him but that's it. He is aware he could have called me his roommate, said he was thinking of divorce and so on, just to get her pants off, but he didn't.

Everything these guys tell us is designed for one thing only - to get whatever it is they want from us - typically sex, oral, attention.

I identify with many of your sentiments in many of your posts, but I disagree with your sentiments here. We preferred not to use our spouses names to eachother because we didn't need to be reminded or remind eachother that there are actual people who don't deserve what we were doing to them.

Also, of course they want to get what they want. Don't we all want to get what we want? It's not necessarily just sex. ..could be connection, affection, adoration. ..

Maybe it's because my affair was short lived so we were still in the limerance stage when the stress became too much. Maybe that's why I'm not cynical about what a mm would want from an affair.

Edited November 15, 2016 by Midlifecrisis1

November 15, 2016

I identify with many of your sentiments in many of your posts, but I disagree with your sentiments here. We preferred not to use our spouses names to eachother because we didn't need to be reminded or remind eachother that there are actual people who don't deserve what we were doing to them.

Also, of course they want to get what they want. Don't we all want to get what we want? It's not necessarily just sex. ..could be connection, affection, adoration. ..

Maybe it's because my affair was short lived so we were still in the limerance stage when the stress became too much. Maybe that's why I'm not cynical about what a mm would want from an affair.

I think the difference is that you and your xmm seemed to be on the same page about what you both wanted, neither one pretended to be someone or want something just to get the sex, connection, affection, etc.

I don't feel that way. If he had said from the getgo, I'm bored in my marriage, I've cut off sexually from my wife because I'm not attracted to her and rather than fix my marital and health issues, I am looking for some fun on the side, a long term affair to spice my life up, so how about it?

I would not have gone for it.

November 15, 2016

I think the difference is that you and your xmm seemed to be on the same page about what you both wanted, neither one pretended to be someone or want something just to get the sex, connection, affection, etc.

I don't feel that way. If he had said from the getgo, I'm bored in my marriage, I've cut off sexually from my wife because I'm not attracted to her and rather than fix my marital and health issues, I am looking for some fun on the side, a long term affair to spice my life up, so how about it?
I would not have gone for it.

Maybe that was not what he initially intended. Maybe he didn't know what he wanted in the future but he wanted you now. My xmm and I both thought maybe we had a future together, but not yet. Then it just had to end. I think it's just easier to vilify the person who hurt you. But they may not be what you imagine.

November 15, 2016

Maybe that was not what he initially intended. Maybe he didn't know what he wanted in the future but he wanted you now. My xmm and I both thought maybe we had a future together, but not yet. Then it just had to end. I think it's just easier to vilify the person who hurt you. But they may not be what you imagine.

No, he is not what I imagined, he is worse. He is a narcissistic sociopath. He flat out lied about a lot of things and then was unbelievably cruel once it was over and went on to be cruel, lie and try to manipulate me the whole 2016. Of course I was aware he was married, I am not a victim, but I made decisions under false information. Had I known the truth, I would have acted differently.

It sounds like you had a different experience. I am glad for you that you are not upset.

November 15, 2016

I have a question, Was the "don't text back" part of the wake up call for you?
Since it was an affair it was known that it had to be kept secret so why would you get angry when he asks you not to contact him when his family is around? Was that kind of a break from the fantasy or the realization that even though he was saying all these things-- it still wasn't a "real" relationship in the sense it was forced to be in a bubble.

Interesting question. I think it was part of the wake-up call. It felt like such a slap in the face. I was an ideal OW: I followed all the rules, didn't make demands, never pressured him to leave his wife (didn't actually want him to), and was completely loving all the time. (Now I see myself a different way, but that's another post.)

I was compliant with the rules. On this particular occasion, he texted me first, which was always the case if there was to be communication between us while he was at home. I would never dare to risk exposure, so I respected that boundary. Anyway, he texted me, said something or other, we exchanged a couple, then he wrote "don't text back." It was rough. It felt like a humiliating dismissal. Maybe if he'd written, "I'm not alone, sweetie, so let's finish this conversation later." That would not have stung so much. But it was like he just pushed me back into my box and shut the lid.

Honestly, at that point, I was probably nearing my limit anyway.

As for using his wife's name...I had early on requested that he never speak her name while we were in my bedroom. Outside of my room, he referred to her by her name. I always referred to her as "your wife." Reading this now, I just can't believe I participated in that garbage for so long. What a self-sabotaging, damaging, hurtful thing to do to myself. Though at the time, of course, I had a million reasons why it was okay...

November 15, 2016

Interesting question. I think it was part of the wake-up call. It felt like such a slap in the face. I was an ideal OW: I followed all the rules, didn't make demands, never pressured him to leave his wife (didn't actually want him to), and was completely loving all the time. (Now I see myself a different way, but that's another post.)

I was compliant with the rules. On this particular occasion, he texted me first, which was always the case if there was to be communication between us while he was at home. I would never dare to risk exposure, so I respected that boundary. Anyway, he texted me, said something or other, we exchanged a couple, then he wrote "don't text back." It was rough. It felt like a humiliating dismissal. Maybe if he'd written, "I'm not alone, sweetie, so let's finish this conversation later." That would not have stung so much. But it was like he just pushed me back into my box and shut the lid.

Honestly, at that point, I was probably nearing my limit anyway.

As for using his wife's name...I had early on requested that he never speak her name while we were in my bedroom. Outside of my room, he referred to her by her name. I always referred to her as "your wife." Reading this now, I just can't believe I participated in that garbage for so long. What a self-sabotaging, damaging, hurtful thing to do to myself. Though at the time, of course, I had a million reasons why it was okay...

I understand this....feels very similar

November 15, 2016

MM (my boss) and I have a very on/off affair as some of you may remember where at the moment we seem to typically go for 3 or 4 weeks off and then 1 or 2 weeks back on (we are currently "on"). This is all at his doing and whilst he usually says it's guilt or it's not right, I think he sometimes "ends" it to keep me in my place.

The contact between him and I doesn't really change in frequency whatever is going on between us. We see each other most days at work and spend a lot of time together (more than we do with anybody else). Outside of work, emails are work related. There is no texting. At the weekend, even if I email him, he probably won't respond. There will definitely be nothing from him when he's on holiday with his wife.

He's been very straight on all this - he won't text etc as that's evidence that could catch him out. I think he's worried on that score from being caught by his wife and also being caught as my boss and how that could be interpreted.

When we are off, in some ways as there is no change in communication levels, that aspect is relatively easy to deal with. But the time we spend together at work is far harder for me and I feel as if I cannot escape. When we are on, his controlled approach sometimes feels cold. I said something in an email yesterday which looked innocent enough and 100% work related but it wasn't and he would have known that. In his reply, he made no reference to what was said.

November 15, 2016

MM (my boss) and I have a very on/off affair as some of you may remember where at the moment we seem to typically go for 3 or 4 weeks off and then 1 or 2 weeks back on (we are currently "on"). This is all at his doing and whilst he usually says it's guilt or it's not right, I think he sometimes "ends" it to keep me in my place.

The contact between him and I doesn't really change in frequency whatever is going on between us. We see each other most days at work and spend a lot of time together (more than we do with anybody else). Outside of work, emails are work related. There is no texting. At the weekend, even if I email him, he probably won't respond. There will definitely be nothing from him when he's on holiday with his wife.

He's been very straight on all this - he won't text etc as that's evidence that could catch him out. I think he's worried on that score from being caught by his wife and also being caught as my boss and how that could be interpreted.

When we are off, in some ways as there is no change in communication levels, that aspect is relatively easy to deal with. But the time we spend together at work is far harder for me and I feel as if I cannot escape. When we are on, his controlled approach sometimes feels cold. I said something in an email yesterday which looked innocent enough and 100% work related but it wasn't and he would have known that. In his reply, he made no reference to what was said.

What do you possibly get out of this? There seems to be nothing on your end.

November 15, 2016

What do you possibly get out of this? There seems to be nothing on your end.

I'm married too so I'm not after anything serious. This all started as "just sex" and on that basis, the way he communicates with me is fine and fair.

The problem is that it's not "just sex" to me even though I said it was for the first few months. The last time he ended things which I really thought was for good, I finally admitted that it was more than that for me and he responded that he knew that. This makes this latest re-start very confusing for me and I know I need to speak to him. I can't carry on like this pretending that I'm not getting hurt. He also should now realise that he's not just playing with my body but playing with my heart.

What do I get out of it? When we are "on", he makes everything seem so much fun. He makes me laugh and smile. He opens up about himself to me. He is also incredibly supportive and very caring. But he's like that with me when we are "off" too. He and I are very close in some ways.

November 15, 2016

Messy, he sounds like a classic charmer. He gets sustenance from knowing he can reel you back in. My wh is that guy. He's actually very insecure and being the guy who everyone thinks is great always allowed him to not deal with anything in a deep way. And it blew up in his face, because when the truth came out, he lost the respect of people he loved. It's one thing to be perceived as the great funny guy, it's another thing entirely to live that way authentically. Plus, he's a lying cheat. Not so good, but he manages to make that an insignificant side of him. It's quite a talent for sure.

There's a good chance this charming, fun, funny guy thing is a well-honed role he's been playing most of his life. Trust me, his wife has to do major clean-up behind him in order to keep the act going. For every wife who is called a cold witch, there is a charming inept man who dumps all his crap on her and comes out looking like a nice guy. I imagine the reverse is true as well. Being liked is more important than being real.

November 15, 2016

For every wife who is called a cold witch, there is a charming inept man who dumps all his crap on her and comes out looking like a nice guy. I imagine the reverse is true as well. Being liked is more important than being real.

Oh lordy! How true. H never called me a cold witch or anything bad really and most people know me as a kind gentle soul, but if he had wanted to call me mean it wouldn't have been entirely untrue. His behaviour made me meaner than I naturally am - he could be so infuriating at times. Our house could be falling down around our ears and he would be off fixing someone else's bookshelves (he was a carpenter by trade for many years before he started teaching). He kept his 'hale fellow,well met' persona for the pub and his job - we tended to get the grumpy git. That was what got him involved him in to his affair - she was a classic DID and he loved being her KISA and she never objected to anything he did. What's not to like? rolleyes:

November 15, 2016

I have been with my AP just over 2 years. We are in contact constantly throughout the day from first thing in morning to last thing at night and see each other at least once a day but usually a couple!!

We have never done NC but the thought of It petrifies me

November 15, 2016

I have been with my AP just over 2 years. We are in contact constantly throughout the day from first thing in morning to last thing at night and see each other at least once a day but usually a couple!!

We have never done NC but the thought of It petrifies me

Are you both married? Is this a work affair?

November 15, 2016

No he is married, I am single! And no we don't work together

November 15, 2016

No he is married, I am single! And no we don't work together

Does he have kids? How did you meet him and how does he have all this time to be with you?

November 15, 2016

His children are older although live at home

We met through a social circle and just hit it off. We were friends for a while and then it escalated. To be honest I thought it would have fizzled out by now but it only gets stronger. Horrible position and I'm not proud of it but due to the amount of time we spend together I just dread the prospect of no contact.

November 15, 2016

Thanks everyone for your responses! Really interesting- a lot of us had a lot of contact!!!! No wonder it's hard giving it up!

November 15, 2016

His children are older although live at home

We met through a social circle and just hit it off. We were friends for a while and then it escalated. To be honest I thought it would have fizzled out by now but it only gets stronger. Horrible position and I'm not proud of it but due to the amount of time we spend together I just dread the prospect of no contact.

Wow - how is his marriage? Do you know much about it? Is he close to his wife? Does he tell you he loves you? must be scary to imagine walking away from that

November 15, 2016

He does tell me he loves me!! Not in an over the top way, more when he is having a deep moment.

His marriage is ok. - It's long, they married young, he still loves her! I don't know in what sense but he wouldn't want to intentionally hurt her I know that (as hard as that may seem considering his actions). It a content marriage rather than a passionate one but after so long that is to be expected I'm sure

It's not a nice situation for anyone and it was never meant to get this far... but when is it

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