How often did/do you have contact with AP? Did amount of contact make NC harder?

[Jemima1234]

Hi

I touched on this as part of another thread a while ago but it got focused on sex and it was moved forums!! Trying again!

 

Been doing a lot of reading on here - yep it seems to be my new obsession- and

Just wondering how much contact people had with AP? And were there times you didn't hear from him? Was NC harder for those who had a lot of contact?

 

 

My affair started off emotional (prob at least 6 months) before intense PA began. Throughout this I would say we have had contact every single day. Most days this would involve quite a few texts and probably 2-3 phone calls a day!! Work days, weekends, then all. . Habit would be to speak late at night for one of phone calls. Towards end he tried to reduce this saying he needed earlier nights- my paranoia is that was because he was choosing to go to bed with wife rather than speak to me! And yep not wrong but as an OW was a killer!!!

 

Moving from that level of contact is so hard!! Such a big part of my life!

 

Would like to hear others stories and patterns! Thanks

[Adoraxx]

Hi Jemima,

 

Our A began 8 1/2 years ago.

In the beginning he used to :

* text me several times a day

* call me at least twice a day

* come to my house as often as he could

 

Later on,

* he stopped texting (he said he doesn't like having a cell phone)

* he stopped calling (he said he is too busy to call and he has to work too!!)

* would still come by but much less (to me it felt like he wanted to spend even more time with W or that he wanted to prepare himself for her return by cooking her dinner and all that)

 

And even more later:

* he would only call me because I asked him to (it made me happy if he called me and I couldn't understand why he had stopped that) and because he figured he might get sex if he stayed in touch

* he would only email me for those same reasons

 

At the end:

* Just a few emails here and there

* Very few visits (and from the start, he never wanted to make plans in advance - I hated that soooo much)

 

 

At the very very end:

* long periods of silent treatments

* then a couple of emails with the promise of "I can't wait to see you! I'll come asap!!" but he didn't follow through on that

* nothing.

 

 

so it started with lots and lots of texts/ phone calls/ visits but it pretty fast went down to almost nothing.

[Cyra]

We texted on a chat app every day 1st thing in the morning continuosly until late at night, plus several phone calls and we met almost daily

That was the hardest thing, to go from that to zero. There was a huge void in my life, i felt like a part of me had been cut off. It was awful, all that empty space, filled with my obsessive thoughts

 

I dont really feel that anymore. With no contact eventually came peace of mind, and the constant stress and anxiety that accompanied talking to him has disappeared

[spideywoman]

We work together so contact was daily, even on weekends. Not just professional contact but personal contact _ an email there, a text message here, walks around lunchtime or working remotely from a nearby coffee shop or whatever.

 

The exception to this was when I went away with my stbxh and when he would travel to see his wife, who doesn't live where we live. Initially none of us reached out when with our spouses but then I did, and realized I wanted him to as well and asked him to do so, which he did.

 

Since I work with the guy total NC is nearly impossible. However he has been gone for several months and not expected back until next year so it has been a blessing not seeing him in the flesh. I have had no problem not reaching out to him _ don't feel like it. He called once, I didn't answer; he also sent what I think were smoke signals, didn't reply.

 

Stay strong.

Edited November 14, 2016 by spideywoman

[Poppy47]

I had up to 30 texts a day from xMM. He would usually speak to me at least once a day.

 

This was a constant for almost 8 years.

 

To be honest now, after 30 weeks NC, my life has peace. No stress about when he would call or replying to texts.

 

I missed it for a while, because I live alone and have very few family and friends.

He was good company.

 

Dumping him was the best thing I could have done for myself.

 

For some reason the week I broke away from him, he sent very few texts and didn't speak to me for four days. I have no idea what happened to him. It seemed to be my cue to make the decision to stop seeing him.

 

Poppy.

[Forever broken]

Throughout the relationship, he will text me every morning or call, then will text me during lunch and ask if I was available. If I was we will sit in the lunch room, eat and laugh. If I wasn't available he will come by and say a quick hi and a hug since I was busy. Then before bed, he will again reach out to me.

 

But the most I always miss was the text sent during midnight. I will wake up in the middle of the night and there will be a text from him saying thinking about you. It always made me happy. Till today I wake up in the middle of the night and check my phone sometimes.

 

They know how to play the game well.

[freengreen]

Mine was an EA.. in instalments. Only texts. We seldom texted everyday, may be alternate days or once in 2-3 days. For first 1 month he initiated, next 3 months I initiated , well, one can say I am reading too much into 'who texts first' but he made me do that. It does tick you when texting is all you do to keep in contact. He kinda started playing with me by not responding and not intiating.

 

This first 'season' lasted for 4 months.

And then he started ignoring all together, so I had to stop. After 2 months of NC, I again reached out, I got ignored. So I had to move on.

 

After 4 months, he reached out and no prizes for guessing, I took him back. This time he was different, I was too.. still, there was this pattern of him texting first to lit me and then I continue buring ( initiating for rest of it). I dint like it, we spoke only few times, I dint demand anything else but a little happy banter, he dint have time for that even. There was flirting but no sexting.

 

In this season 2 , I kinda got fed up with him pulling and pushing and I going after him always. It lasted for 5months almost, then the D Day came. I was already fed up and sad and paining. We texted after D Day twice but I was already thinking about all the hurt this A gave me.. I took D Day as an aid and started NC, its been 4 weeks now.

 

I am now in a stage where I dont want to validate the type of person AP was. I just want to blindly move on and not get into it again.

 

Thats a bit of my story

Edited November 14, 2016 by freengreen

[MidnightBlue1980]

Before the affair I saw him weekly and at a random lunch or dinner, I knew him for years. During the affair, we texted daily, all day and night, saw each other weekly and got together once a month at night for drinks, etc, like a date. He always wanted to go out-out, take me out to someplace nice and to a hotel, I kept it at a hole in the wall bar, no hotels. We would talk on the phone once a week.

 

After it was over, I still had to see him weekly each Tuesday morning. It was pretty brutal. He seemed to be okay seeing me and wanted to be friends. I died inside each week as he drove off, I'd sink into a deep downward spiral which lasted till about Friday. We would try to have NC but kept texting I love you about once a month. I would occasionally flip out and scream and yell. I never recovered and could not go back to how I felt before the affair.

 

I had 4 minor surgeries from the stress. I got fired from this job I had. I have pulled away from everyone. It's a miracle I still have my clients and business, probably only because they can't see me.

 

I see him tomorrow. 3 more left and then I will never see him again. His wife is pulling him out.

 

You cannot get over it while still seeing the person.

[Midlifecrisis1]

We texted on a chat app every day 1st thing in the morning continuosly until late at night, plus several phone calls and we met almost daily

That was the hardest thing, to go from that to zero. There was a huge void in my life, i felt like a part of me had been cut off. It was awful, all that empty space, filled with my obsessive thoughts

 

I dont really feel that anymore. With no contact eventually came peace of mind, and the constant stress and anxiety that accompanied talking to him has disappeared

 

This was my situation too. We would text first thing, meet up for a quick hello in the school parking lot, continuously text throughout the day, ALL Day. meet for our long visits about 2x per week and quick/1 hour visits a few more times per week. plus, we'd be together at our dcs baseball games etc. My cell phone bill showed that i had 9000 texts per month during our A. crazy. Very hard to go from that to nothing.

[MidnightBlue1980]

This was my situation too. We would text first thing, meet up for a quick hello in the school parking lot, continuously text throughout the day, ALL Day. meet for our long visits about 2x per week and quick/1 hour visits a few more times per week. plus, we'd be together at our dcs baseball games etc. My cell phone bill showed that i had 9000 texts per month during our A. crazy. Very hard to go from that to nothing.

 

Same here. I had 5k a month in texts.

 

Why do you think some of us sit on LS all day and night? One social media addiction for another.

[freengreen]

Same here. I had 5k a month in texts.

 

Why do you think some of us sit on LS all day and night? One social media addiction for another.

i thought i am the only one trying to overcome one addiction thru another...

[MidnightBlue1980]

i thought i am the only one trying to overcome one addiction thru another...

 

It's not just you. Social media addiction is a real thing in and of itself. My therapist told me.

[freengreen]

I hope the social media addiction wins over affair addiction.. My hearts in battle with my mind. Power to mind!

[Patrice]

for six weeks again, when he tried to contact me after 3 years. Wrap your head around the fact that he is not the person you thought he was, when you got involved. In almost every case, the AP was vulnerable in one way or another. That means this is your time, to reestablish who you are, strengthen your resolve not to get back into that kind of situation again. It's an endless cycle of pain. I got to the point, that I dreaded hearing from him. Still feel that way, a bad chapter in my life, that I have no interest returning to. With time, it gets better. Be loving to yourself, you made a mistake - we all make mistakes. Just don't repeat it.

[Chica80]

Same here. I had 5k a month in texts.

 

Why do you think some of us sit on LS all day and night? One social media addiction for another.

 

Seriously!!!! So true.....

[Chica80]

Going on 21+ months now.....

 

We work together..so the days we work together see eachother all day.

Text several times a day. In the evenings usually talk (by talk I mean text) for an hr to two.

Weekends, Holidays throughout the day. On his honeymoon (ya not proud of that. No words of love or anything like that but still).

We will see each other outside of wrk maybe once a month, that can be for hours.

 

The longest NC. A week and a half has been my limit. His..two weeks.

 

If we have a disagreement and I start to pull away I'm usually the one to start texting again. But I feel the times I have been most determined like ok this is it.....he senses and will do something subtle to pull me back in....

 

Example: we'd had a disagreement over the weekend. I knew I was not going to see him for the next two weeks. I told myself this will be a good time to distance.

yesterday, he text me...when determined I don't know

 

The thing I feel is...it's all about attachment....for people who have a difficult time attaching to others when you feel that has happened to then lose that.....is painful....thus why we come back

[starswewillnavigate]

We used a chat app. Short A, in fact we've been out of the A longer than we were in it now. In A messaged all day everyday, even at weekends, first thing in the morning until well into the night. Out of affair, messages were similar ibut not quite as frequent during the day and not late into night. Then he tried NC for a few days and I stupidly pulled him back into talking. Then we finally had sex and his messages were much more controlled, no weekend texts, only during work hours and got fewer and fewer little scraps.

 

I've never managed NC with him, I found it too hard. It was so painful the elation of has he text or the despair he hadn't. My emotions are much more level now.

[WisdomOverEmotion]

This was the biggest mind **** for me.

In the beginning he would text me as soon as I woke up for work 6am. Till 3:30 in the morning. Because of this (my choice I was crazy about him too) I had to takes during the day, which he would go crazy about wondering why I hadn't replied for 2 hours.

 

After a argument and we rekindled things but the contact was much less. I would get a message twice a week if I was lucky. And a phone call if we were meeting up. But when he texted me it would be throughout the whole day.

 

Mid affair and towards the very end I would get a late night text asking to meet up. And he would say sorry I've been busy. Same lame excuses.

 

It just escalated into nothing really. Sometimes I would get a text after 2 weeks or no reply. It was heartbreaking from going to living in each others pockets, to waiting and wondering if he would ever message me again. Or even worse, something bad had happened to him.

 

My mind is in a much healthier place now it's over.

[MidnightBlue1980]

It was heartbreaking from going to living in each others pockets, to waiting and wondering if he would ever message me again. Or even worse, something bad had happened to him.

 

 

This above (I can't find that little arrow on my computer). I totally relate. It's so obvious to me now that I was the ultimate challenge. He spent months texting words of love and asking me to "let my walls down" (puke) and swearing he would never hurt me. Finally I fell for it, slept with him, only to have him almost immediately pull way and play the friend card. I pulled him back in but it never went back to the initial months. And the more I persisted, the more cocky and detached he was. The heavy texts became less about love and more about sex. After it ended, it was worse. He truly did not give a crap.

 

Honestly it's only now that his wife found out he'd been lying to her for a year (he confessed but made up a story about me being the pursuer for a one nt stand) and his life is a pile of crap, did I sense a change in him. This is a guy who basically ignored me all 2016 and to send a smoke signal on Linked In, it's big for him. He's scared. I admit it totally made me feel great.

[freengreen]

"texting is the real mindf**k".. amen to that.

 

All through my A the thing I remember doing is waiting for his texts and over analysing them. Every other job ( including important family matters) were an interuption to my analysis. He played like a pro ( or may be he never cared as much I did)

 

The mental energy I invested, if it could get converted into money. I would be a zillionare. Well, all it got converted was into weightloss, hairloss and darkcircles.

[Grapesofwrath]

On weekdays, daily text and phone calls. On weekends...very scant contact. He would return to town on Sunday evenings, and I would get a text Sunday morning with his ETA to my house. Nothing on their vacations. Very scant texting on holidays. I hated that so much. Once he texted me and told me "don't text back." I was furious.

 

I have been NC for 7 months. I am so glad to have this situation out of my life. I'm now dating someone available and wonderful and I can't begin to describe how much better it feels.

[eye of the storm]

We dated 6+ years and we lived together for a lot of the last 2+ years. We both travel and occasionally have to live other places. We did our best to travel together. But even if we were separated, we texted and skyped multiple times a day. Sometimes we would have the Skype on and he would be working and I would be studying/cooking/dishes and we would just have it on for hours. Just to be with each other while we were on opposite sides of the world.

 

So not talking to him is hard. Every time I make coffee I miss his. When my dog begs I remember he taught her that. The art he made me all over my apartment. I can't even work on my car and not think about all the things he taught me about car repairs.

 

But every time I want to call him. And I do. I tell myself clearly that he did not chose me. He asked for a divorce but buckled when she started making demands. To him, I was not worth fighting for. I think about that. To him I am not worth it. And I remember if I don't act like I am worthy, nobody will then I put the phone down.

[aileD]

On weekdays, daily text and phone calls. On weekends...very scant contact. He would return to town on Sunday evenings, and I would get a text Sunday morning with his ETA to my house. Nothing on their vacations. Very scant texting on holidays. I hated that so much. Once he texted me and told me "don't text back." I was furious.

 

I have been NC for 7 months. I am so glad to have this situation out of my life. I'm now dating someone available and wonderful and I can't begin to describe how much better it feels.

 

I'm so glad you found someone available and are living life fully and authentically!

 

I have a question, Was the "don't text back" part of the wake up call for you?

Since it was an affair it was known that it had to be kept secret so why would you get angry when he asks you not to contact him when his family is around? Was that kind of a break from the fantasy or the realization that even though he was saying all these things-- it still wasn't a "real" relationship in the sense it was forced to be in a bubble.

[MidnightBlue1980]

I'm so glad you found someone available and are living life fully and authentically!

 

I have a question, Was the "don't text back" part of the wake up call for you?

Since it was an affair it was known that it had to be kept secret so why would you get angry when he asks you not to contact him when his family is around? Was that kind of a break from the fantasy or the realization that even though he was saying all these things-- it still wasn't a "real" relationship in the sense it was forced to be in a bubble.

 

I'm not Grapes but I got those too, so I'll add my thoughts from my own experience. He'd often text "Don't text" or "I'm out with her. Can't text" and the worst - "She's coming up." (to their bedroom). I always pictured this wildebeast climbing the stairs, slowly, slowly, coming up to their bedroom, grunting and growling.

 

It just made me feel lousy. It was a total reminder that I was second place, a dirty secret. He could have not said it like that, I don't know. After a while I would use her name. I knew he said "she" to dehumanize her. My H said guys do that so they are able to compartmentalize.

[aileD]

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