goldbond Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 I have been sleeping with my friend for a few months. He is also a performance partner for me sometimes. We were friends for months before this (he is actually a mutual friend of my ex) and originally started hanging out to practice/train together. One thing led to another, one day we were drunk together, etc. At first I resisted the connection because he was good friends with my ex and it felt too soon for me, and I also felt bad for my ex, but he is so easy for me to be around. He decreases my anxiety (for the most part) and is very supportive of me. All around a very positive pleasant person a lot of my/our friends like. (we are in the same friend-group) Lately, he has been bringing up what he wants in a relationship. I don't really say anything and I mainly listen (I haven't thought about it/relationships have never been a huge goal of mine). So I can discern from this he is potentially thinking of me in this way. While I really like him, and we vibe together very well, I think I may be too insecure/unstable right now to pursue anything more. I am not super happy with my life. I don't like my job, there are many things I would like to work on within myself, so it seems like a terrible time to enter into a relationship, and even more so because he has so many qualities I want in myself. He is confident, self-assured, rarely if ever gets anxious, super calm/relaxed, etc. On the flip side, he could help me with those things, but I also don't want to burden him, and I never want to depend upon him. I am not sure if the best course of action would be to stop this (which would probably be impossible at this point), or to take it slower, or keep being FWB and push him to date other people, or what.
Sweetfish Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 I have been sleeping with my friend for a few months. He is also a performance partner for me sometimes. We were friends for months before this (he is actually a mutual friend of my ex) and originally started hanging out to practice/train together. One thing led to another, one day we were drunk together, etc. At first I resisted the connection because he was good friends with my ex and it felt too soon for me, and I also felt bad for my ex, but he is so easy for me to be around. He decreases my anxiety (for the most part) and is very supportive of me. All around a very positive pleasant person a lot of my/our friends like. (we are in the same friend-group) Lately, he has been bringing up what he wants in a relationship. I don't really say anything and I mainly listen (I haven't thought about it/relationships have never been a huge goal of mine). So I can discern from this he is potentially thinking of me in this way. While I really like him, and we vibe together very well, I think I may be too insecure/unstable right now to pursue anything more. I am not super happy with my life. I don't like my job, there are many things I would like to work on within myself, so it seems like a terrible time to enter into a relationship, and even more so because he has so many qualities I want in myself. He is confident, self-assured, rarely if ever gets anxious, super calm/relaxed, etc. On the flip side, he could help me with those things, but I also don't want to burden him, and I never want to depend upon him. I am not sure if the best course of action would be to stop this (which would probably be impossible at this point), or to take it slower, or keep being FWB and push him to date other people, or what. How old are you?
spiderowl Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Is it just him you don't think you want a relationship with or anyone? I don't think people usually put off finding a partner because they have personal issues, unless the issues are extreme. Others may disagree.
Author goldbond Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 Well...I feel there is a lot at stake for me. Regarding our performance relationship, the mutual friends we have. Plus I am always reading that you should not enter into a relationship if you are unhappy with yourself/life so I am pondering that as well. I would say I do not want a relationship with anyone. I would also feel silly/dumb passing him up, so it is a toss up for me. 1
Sweetfish Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Well...I feel there is a lot at stake for me. Regarding our performance relationship, the mutual friends we have. Plus I am always reading that you should not enter into a relationship if you are unhappy with yourself/life so I am pondering that as well. I would say I do not want a relationship with anyone. I would also feel silly/dumb passing him up, so it is a toss up for me. I believe if you end up with him... once you resolve the insecurities or issues you may leave him. I believe you have a slight form of gigs.. Like you believe you can do better. Just a hunch. Why did you and you ex breakup? Why are you seeing his friend? Also, don't you think it's messed up that he would do that to his friend?
Versacehottie Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 Well...I feel there is a lot at stake for me. Regarding our performance relationship, the mutual friends we have. Plus I am always reading that you should not enter into a relationship if you are unhappy with yourself/life so I am pondering that as well. I would say I do not want a relationship with anyone. I would also feel silly/dumb passing him up, so it is a toss up for me. It sounds like that is exactly what is going on so you do have quite the dilemma. I wish I had some great answer for you. I think it would hurt to not act on it romantically with him or see him be with other people. yet it could be a terrible time for you to try with him now because it's just not the right time. Very smart of you to notice this in yourself. I wish I had a solution. The only good one I have is to quickly jump on making the job thing better (or whatever troubles you the most) so that you don't miss an opportunity with him. In the meantime, try to keep him in your life at a bit of arms distance until you are ready. I think you should be able to manage that until after the holidays, right? A couple of months, I think you can get away with not making a decision either way. Good luck
Author goldbond Posted November 14, 2016 Author Posted November 14, 2016 I believe if you end up with him... once you resolve the insecurities or issues you may leave him. I believe you have a slight form of gigs.. Like you believe you can do better. Just a hunch. Why did you and you ex breakup? Why are you seeing his friend? Also, don't you think it's messed up that he would do that to his friend? What do you mean by gigs...? I don't necessarily feel I can do better, I could see us growing together quite well (IF I was able to invest obviously haha!) My ex and I broke up because we were incompatible, he was also pretty damn insecure/needy/needed tons of validation and I was tired of it. Too much baggage in the beginning for it to last. This new guy and I were also friends for months, I met both of them at the same time independently of each other. I do think it's a bit messed up-but it happens. If you found someone you really liked, I would imagine a lot of people would do the same. (all's fair in love and war or so they say...) There was no cheating involved. Unfortunately, they aren't friends anymore. Messy situation obviously...
BluesPower Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 You know I had a girl that made me calm and I made her calm. I have no idea what that is about but it is a great feeling. She is the only women that has ever done that for me. If we went away for a weekend, I was a total peace from the time we left until the time we got back. I miss that a lot. Why can't you tell him how you feel. Could you guys do an exclusive FWB deal and just let it move slowly and carefully? It is a tough situation but maybe there is a way to make it work and still work on your issues. FYI - GIGS is grass is always greener syndrome...
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