Gut feeling keeps me from moving on

[Pimbolie94]

Have you guys ever had a gut feeling that your ex didn't tell you the ''real'' reason why he/she broke up with you?

 

My ex recently (about a month and a half ago) broke up with me after being together for six years and living together for one year. He's 24 and working full-time and i'm 22 and in my last year of uni. When i moved my stuff back (my parents rented a movingtruck) i asked him if i could have one final sit-down with him. I asked him what happened that his feelings changed and he said nothing particular. I asked him the reason for his decision and he told me ''just little things and fighting''. I know that the last couple of weeks were very unhealthy, but i was willing to be apart for some time to gather our thoughts and to start again (maybe with counseling). I asked him if there was someone else/ or if he just wanted to date other people. He told me no... We've been in no contact for the past three weeks.

 

Now thats were my gut feeling is coming from... For the last two weeks i've had a feeling that he broke up with me to find someone better/ or already has someone he wants to pursue further things with...

 

So.... i'm not sure what to do, but this gut feelings gets stronger and is now intervening with my studies and well actually everything. And it really does annoy me because i want to move on (since i do believe i deserve someone who wans to fight or work on our relationship) but the thoughts are making me still think of him everyday. And when i think about him being together with someone else, i freak out and have anxiety.

[acadsur]

Have you guys ever had a gut feeling that your ex didn't tell you the ''real'' reason why he/she broke up with you?

 

My ex recently (about a month and a half ago) broke up with me after being together for six years and living together for one year. He's 24 and working full-time and i'm 22 and in my last year of uni. When i moved my stuff back (my parents rented a movingtruck) i asked him if i could have one final sit-down with him. I asked him what happened that his feelings changed and he said nothing particular. I asked him the reason for his decision and he told me ''just little things and fighting''. I know that the last couple of weeks were very unhealthy, but i was willing to be apart for some time to gather our thoughts and to start again (maybe with counseling). I asked him if there was someone else/ or if he just wanted to date other people. He told me no... We've been in no contact for the past three weeks.

 

Now thats were my gut feeling is coming from... For the last two weeks i've had a feeling that he broke up with me to find someone better/ or already has someone he wants to pursue further things with...

 

So.... i'm not sure what to do, but this gut feelings gets stronger and is now intervening with my studies and well actually everything. And it really does annoy me because i want to move on (since i do believe i deserve someone who wans to fight or work on our relationship) but the thoughts are making me still think of him everyday. And when i think about him being together with someone else, i freak out and have anxiety.

 

I am very sorry to hear your story because I have lived through the same last September! My ex-girlfriend broke up with me after 4 years of relationship (which was 20% of our lives!) stating reasons like "I need time to figure myself out; I haven't really developed myself in the past years and I need to find myself now; etc." And at the time when we had the talks it made me feel very good, I felt like it wasn't her falling out of love with me that split us up but just the circumstances and that she needed to do something for herself. I went on to tell that full story to everybody that asked what had happened.

 

Two weeks after the break-up I found out through friends of her friends that she is telling people the reason for her break-up was her "wanting to experience single-life at college" which for me obviously meant hooking up with other guys.

 

Now I can't explain how mad it made me to find out about this! I felt like the biggest idiot ever for telling everybody the whole story about her needing space and everything. I beat up my bed because I was so angry at her and felt like I had deserved to learn the real reason from her directly. So I understand how this gut-feeling is tearing you up!

 

This next part won't be easy to read but I learned that calling things by what they are it makes it easier to move beyond them. After a while I started asking myself does it really matter why she broke up?

And for a long time I thought it did because I had put all this effort into making it as easy as possible for her to break-up with me. But after a couple weeks I came to realize that in the end it doesn't matter at all why someone breaks up. For over 2 years I felt that she was perfect for me, another young person that didn't want to use their college years to get wasted and screwed every night. And at first I was devastated to find out that she had taken a 180 degree turn and turned into a real b**ch (excuse my language, some friends that saw her social media after the break-up actually used the word almost like a prostitute). It hurt me immensely to see how I had been so wrong about her. But in the end, it meant more to her to be single and hook up with guys that will never appreciate her as much as I did and that is her choice and her loss.

 

Thinking about it this way helped me in focusing on myself again, making myself my priority one and moving on after the break-up!

 

Would love to hear your opinion!

[acadsur]

So.... i'm not sure what to do, but this gut feelings gets stronger and is now intervening with my studies and well actually everything. And it really does annoy me because i want to move on (since i do believe i deserve someone who wans to fight or work on our relationship) but the thoughts are making me still think of him everyday. And when i think about him being together with someone else, i freak out and have anxiety.

 

 

My constant thinking about my ex made me unable to concentrate in university as well for a few weeks and I took advantage of our university counseling service just to talk things through.

What helped me in getting back to my studies and not being distracted all the time was actually taking a week off. I went away on "break" so to say for a week, gave myself a whole week's time to grieve, live through the bad feelings and mourn. Coming back afterwards I was tired of being sad and thinking about her and I had tons of catching up to do which really spurred my motivation. I am still catching up now and it keeps me busy so I don't have time to imagine her sleeping around with others. I don't recommend you take a whole week off and fall behind on your studies but give yourself a couple hours every day to really feel like sh*t and you will grow tired of it!

 

Concerning the thought of him being with someone else: this has really bothered me as well. You feel helpless and powerless because we all know it is eventually going to happen and there is nothing we can do about it. And I am not going to tell you not to waste energy on thinking about those things because it is not in your control and happens automatically. I was at a point (and I hate to say this because it makes me sound like a terrible human being) where I thought it would be easier for me if she had just died, because the thought of her being dead would be easier for me to deal with than the thought of her being with someone else. I have moved passed this point though.

 

What took me a while to realize (-because I am a helpless romantic and didn't believe it could actually happen -) was that no matter how perfect you think someone is for you, there will be other people that can fill that spot, too.

 

You can try to not think about your ex or what he is doing now, but it takes a lot of energy, I have tried it long enough! What I found more effective is to just let yourself go when you have to, think about all the terrible things, acknowledge and accept that it will happen eventually and might have already happened and feel as sad and angry, helpless and desperate as you need to. But also accept when you get to the point when you are sick and tired of feeling like that and don't feel bad about feeling better, about being happy again and maybe even liking someone again. I never thought I would recover but I did anyways, and you will too, as long as you don't stand in the way of your emotions and try to overpower them with your mind. Let yourself heal in your own time!

[ExpatInItaly]

Yes, I had a similar feeling when a long-term relationship ended a few years back. My suspicions that he had someone else turned out to be correct.

 

Looking back, I cannot say for sure whether this knowledge has been helpful or not. We were already growing apart and I was feeling quite detached when we ended it, anyway. I wasn't actually that devastated that we were over. But later discovering that my hunch he'd been hiding something was accurate has left me with a damaged ability to trust. It made me very skeptical, and it's harder for me to open up now, especially with men.

 

Perhaps that has also been a good thing, meaning that I know I can trust my instinct when something doesn't feel right.

 

I would say that you still need more time to process the breakup. Part of what you are feeling now is down to the fact that your life has changed quite dramatically. He might have been totally honest that he just didn't feel the same way anymore. And I doubt you will be able to get clearer answers than that right now. And, hypothetically, if he is interested in someone else, are you prepared to hear that?

[elaine567]

When people decide to break up, they do not want to be in a relationship with you any longer.

"Little things and fighting" are very valid reasons for splitting up. No-one wants to be in a relationship that makes them unhappy.

After 6 years of dating it was also crunch time, where was this going to go?

Marriage and kids or was it time to call it a day.

He chose to call it a day.

He is young, only 24, I guess he needs to go see what is out there, experience life and not be tied down with a wife and kids.

 

He is NOT going to sit moping for the next x number of years, mulling over this failed relationship, he IS going to get out there and date, as that is one of the real reasons people split up. They are not happy with the partner they have, so they want to go find a new one, that is what dating is really all about.

So your "gut feeling" is correct, had he wanted to mend your relationship, or felt you had something together worth saving, he would have stayed and worked on it.

He chose to break up and that IS to go look for someone better suited to him, that may be hard for you to stomach atm, but that is the reality of life.

Try to see it as a positive, he is not coming back, so you need to look after yourself now, focus on YOU, and that means distracting yourself whenever thoughts of him come to the fore.

Grieve, heal and move on.

[Pimbolie94]

Thank you Elaine567 for your honest reply. It is really what i need right know. And i do agree, i wouldn't want him to be in a relationship with me if it makes him unhappy. I'm just a little confused because he was the one who initiated moving in together and do the '''grown up stuff''. We also had a few arguments because he thought i was just sitting at home doing nothing while i'm actually working my butt off to graduate with good grades. So i kinda agree he doesn't want to settle with me... i just wished it happend before moving in together maybe

 

I just wished he told me in those words that he wants someone/something else instead of saying ''i don't know'' or ''its little things''. But thats what i would have wanted and that doesn't matter anymore. For now i will work on myself, making myself happy and enjoying life with people around me who love me.

[Pimbolie94]

Thanks for replying ExpatinItaly!

 

I do believe that i can trust my gut feelings... only problem is there is nothing i can do with the outcome. And i do fully agree with everything you said. Time is what i need (and he) and focussing on me is what i need to do (however this is very hard sometimes). I did try imagine the moment that i would find out/hear that he is interested/dating someone else and i honestly don't know what i think. On the one hand its painfull because i do still have feelings for him. But on the other hand its a relief because then its officially over and i really have to move on. I do know that i should move on for me and not because i found out he is moving on himself...

 

My thoughts are all over the place but i'm trying to focus on me and take it day by day

[Pimbolie94]

What took me a while to realize (-because I am a helpless romantic and didn't believe it could actually happen -) was that no matter how perfect you think someone is for you, there will be other people that can fill that spot, too.

 

You can try to not think about your ex or what he is doing now, but it takes a lot of energy, I have tried it long enough! What I found more effective is to just let yourself go when you have to, think about all the terrible things, acknowledge and accept that it will happen eventually and might have already happened and feel as sad and angry, helpless and desperate as you need to. But also accept when you get to the point when you are sick and tired of feeling like that and don't feel bad about feeling better, about being happy again and maybe even liking someone again. I never thought I would recover but I did anyways, and you will too, as long as you don't stand in the way of your emotions and try to overpower them with your mind. Let yourself heal in your own time!

 

 

 

Woah, your comment really speaks to me. How you describe emotions and feelings is exactly how i feel. However i do not want him dead (or think this would be easier as i know how it feels to lose someone dearly)... but i do have my moments where i would like to punch him

 

My thoughts and feelings change every few minutes. I feel angry, sad, lonely, relieved, happy and the list goes on and on... one good thing: i do sleep very well at night because at the end of the day, i'm exhausted. I will just take it day by day. Following your advice, and try not to hide or block emotions but let them out (i do feel relieved if i do this)...

Thanks for your wise comment

[Satu]

Very few people leave a relationship to pursue a life of celibacy.

 

If he isn't already involved with someone else, he soon will be, and so will you.

 

Honour your grief and cry your tears, this is just one page in the book of your life.

 

 

Take care.

[Pimbolie94]

I am very sorry to hear your story because I have lived through the same last September! My ex-girlfriend broke up with me after 4 years of relationship (which was 20% of our lives!) stating reasons like "I need time to figure myself out; I haven't really developed myself in the past years and I need to find myself now; etc." And at the time when we had the talks it made me feel very good, I felt like it wasn't her falling out of love with me that split us up but just the circumstances and that she needed to do something for herself. I went on to tell that full story to everybody that asked what had happened.

 

Two weeks after the break-up I found out through friends of her friends that she is telling people the reason for her break-up was her "wanting to experience single-life at college" which for me obviously meant hooking up with other guys.

 

Now I can't explain how mad it made me to find out about this! I felt like the biggest idiot ever for telling everybody the whole story about her needing space and everything. I beat up my bed because I was so angry at her and felt like I had deserved to learn the real reason from her directly. So I understand how this gut-feeling is tearing you up!

 

This next part won't be easy to read but I learned that calling things by what they are it makes it easier to move beyond them. After a while I started asking myself does it really matter why she broke up?

And for a long time I thought it did because I had put all this effort into making it as easy as possible for her to break-up with me. But after a couple weeks I came to realize that in the end it doesn't matter at all why someone breaks up. For over 2 years I felt that she was perfect for me, another young person that didn't want to use their college years to get wasted and screwed every night. And at first I was devastated to find out that she had taken a 180 degree turn and turned into a real b**ch (excuse my language, some friends that saw her social media after the break-up actually used the word almost like a prostitute). It hurt me immensely to see how I had been so wrong about her. But in the end, it meant more to her to be single and hook up with guys that will never appreciate her as much as I did and that is her choice and her loss.

 

Thinking about it this way helped me in focusing on myself again, making myself my priority one and moving on after the break-up!

 

Would love to hear your opinion!

 

Dear acadsur,

 

Thanks for replying and taking the time to read my post. I'm sorry to hear your story aswell. I can't imagine (but maybe i will be in this situation in a few weeks time) how painful it was to hear how she felt about the breakup... Its even more painful to hear it frome someone else. You seem really sweet and don't deserve to be treated this way. And yes, you hit the nail on the head: i shouldn't care why he broke up with me but try to focus on me.

I think you have made big steps by living by the mindset you are living now. I aim to have the same mindset!

 

Lets hope we will found someone who will treats us better. Or does know what he/she wants or needs in the relationship. I hope you can make yourself happy and i will try my best to do the same for me

 

If you ever need to talk, you know where to find me.

[acadsur]

It is a very good thing that you are able to sleep at night, I only had a few dreams myself and was always grateful to be able to sleep at night. I think part of that was the fact that you are able to control your thoughts before you fall asleep and I would usually think about plans I had for my life. However waking up in the morning I often felt terrible because naturally she was the first thing I would think about in the morning and it often put me down for the rest of the day.

 

And I can only repeat myself: giving yourself the space, allowing yourself to really feel and express your emotions is key (at least for me it was). I think especially men often feel like they need to tough things out and not show any emotions because a stereotype requires it of them but that's just ridiculous! Having and showing emotions is a sign of strength if anything. Anyways, going through all your described emotions is your natural reaction to the pain, so let it happen :-)

 

Trust that it will get better in time! I never thought I would be able to move on as much as I did already in the short time that I did, I thought I loved her more than anyone, that there would never be another woman in my life, but you will be surprised and probably a little creeped out and maybe scared like me to realize that we are able to move on and beyond surprisingly quickly!

 

Hang in there and of course if you need to talk things out and rant a little, I will have an open eye to read it!

[ExpatInItaly]

Thanks for replying ExpatinItaly!

 

I do believe that i can trust my gut feelings... only problem is there is nothing i can do with the outcome. And i do fully agree with everything you said. Time is what i need (and he) and focussing on me is what i need to do (however this is very hard sometimes). I did try imagine the moment that i would find out/hear that he is interested/dating someone else and i honestly don't know what i think. On the one hand its painfull because i do still have feelings for him. But on the other hand its a relief because then its officially over and i really have to move on. I do know that i should move on for me and not because i found out he is moving on himself...

 

My thoughts are all over the place but i'm trying to focus on me and take it day by day

 

You're doing what you can, and it will be day-by-day for a little while. Some days you will feel good, and some days not. It's a cliche, but it generally does get easier over time.

 

For what it's worth, I can tell you that I am in a happier and more satisfying relationship now. My ex and I shared some great times, of course. Every couple does. But it wasn't the right relationship anymore, and even if he hadn't stepped out, I don't believe we would have stayed together. We had both changed so much over the 7/8 years we spent together that we were no longer really all the compatible.

 

I have a feeling that, in time, you will see the same was true for you and your ex. You had been together quite a long time for a young couple. Now starts a new chapter in your personal journey that will probably - eventually - lead you to a happier place.