Has anyone dealt with a depressed boyfriend? Hold on or let go?

[candid90]

Hey guys, I was wondering if anyone has ever dealt with a depressed boyfriend? Wondering if anyone could give some thoughts on this.

 

Basically, my boyfriend of 4 years just broke up with me. For the 2nd time this year. Early in the year we broke up amicably because he was feeling lost in his life, it had been a very bad year for him and cumulating to the point where he felt so depressed and needed to spend some time alone to sort himself out. I did NC for 2 weeks and he came back feeling all different and wanting to try again. It was great for a few weeks and then back to square one, this time feeling more depressed and unhappy then the first.

 

Our second break up was still amicable, I wanted to stay but I know he needed his time alone. So we both agreed this is something he has to deal with by himself. He is someone who is very strong, and for the first time I saw him breakdown and apologising that he doesn't know whats wrong with himself and just needs to find a way out of it and he feels that our relationship may be one of the problems. To outsiders he seems like a cheerful bee but because we are so close I'm the only one who he shares and sees him in depression. I gave him as much support as I could that night and told him I will always be there if he needed anything.

 

Everyone says to give him time. But now I'm so confused. Our first breakup he grew very depressed and it was very obvious that he wanted me back. Now, just a few days into our breakup he is acting all happy and cheerful. But because I know him so well I also know it's not real. But it seems these days he is simply trying to get my attention. Posting stuff on social media that he surely knows will upset me like there was this one time he told me he was out with his friends which I knew deep inside was a lie, god knows what where he went but he admitted it online from a certain post, also posting stuff that invokes our memories together and even snap chatting himself hanging out with new girls.

 

I know he is not an , but is very well acting like one. And it's making me upset and feeling like an idiot that his whole depression phase was a lie. I am still under NC after day 1 of our breakup, and it's been two weeks. I'm trying to move on but it's so hard to lose the hope. After everything I still want to be there.

 

Do you think his depression was a lie? Has anyone been with a depressed partner who has gone through such a situation, what did you do? Any successful stories to share?

[basil67]

Sorry, my response is a little disjointed because I'm not sure of the background.

 

Was the depression a lie? The first thing is to look at the symptoms of depression and see if they fit him. Also, did he seek help? Medications? Psychologist?

 

I'd be hard pressed to return to someone who dumped me twice - no matter what the reason. Depression doesn't give someone the right to treat the one they supposedly love like a yoyo. On top of that, you should expect the person who recognises that they have depression to seek all the help they require so that they can become mentally healthy.

 

His behaviour of trying to get your attention is nothing short of bizarre. After all, he had your attention while you were his girlfriend I hope you have blocked his social media feeds.

 

You say that you still want to be with him. To be honest, a depressive partner is poor company. And he's broken up with you twice. And he's being an arse on social media. Is being treated like this REALLY want you want? Don't you want more for yourself?

 

Lastly, my ex husband had depression. It was back in the 80's before depression was recognised. When I finally left him, it was like the clouds parted and the sun came out to shine again. Even my workmates told me that my own mood had improved. Fast forward to my own depressive issues....I wasn't so great after having babies....and the stress of looking after the disabled one was high and I ended up with depression. Once I recognised it and started medication, my whole world changed for the better. I believe that if one has depression, it's essential they work to be the best they can be for the sake of their relationship.

[fromheart]

I've had several depressed partners. Years ago I'd wait for them to one day sort themselves out, but it never happened.

 

Someone who's depressed is not suitable for a relationship. Far better to part ways in the early stages, then to get tied down to someone with a joint house, kids etc and have to then deal with their depression.

 

You've broken up twice also, which is saying something. And now he's push/pulling you which is an unstable, childish thing to do.

 

Go NC, as another poster described with time you will feel like the clouds have parted.

 

 

The success I now experience with potential partners who are depressed/emotionally unstable is to avoid intimacy with them completely, regardless of how I feel about them.

 

Depressed people are unfortunately excellent liars, and tend to cover up the fact that they are going through something, especially during the honeymoon period. They themselves might be convinced that someone has come into their lives and 'saved' them. The big problem with that being, the 'drug,' that is the other person wears off and the depression kicks in again. Thats when you see who a person really is, and then its time to call it a day. Though many stay with them hoping that the magic will be rekindled, give the person time to sort themselves out, and are left fighting a losing battle.

 

You probably love this guy, and if you could take away his problems and make him whole you would. I've been there, but no one can fix an adult apart from themselves. What is actually the most loving thing to do for both of you, is to walk away and give him the incentive to sort himself out.

Edited November 13, 2016 by fromheart

[Zapbasket]

 

You probably love this guy, and if you could take away his problems and make him whole you would. I've been there, but no one can fix an adult apart from themselves. What is actually the most loving thing to do for both of you, is to walk away and give him the incentive to sort himself out.

 

THIS. I've been there, too. I think it's important to have awareness of and compassion regarding the fact that people's coping skills ebb and flow depending on what they have on their plate and what lessons need to be learned. But if someone is stuck in a way that negatively affects your relationship and they're not getting after it to figure out what's wrong; if he or she is not communicating with you the truth of what's going on and sharing some semblance of a plan for addressing it; then sticking around only enables them.

 

If you are married with a family then I wouldn't advocate walking away immediately when your partner falls into a rut. But in your case, OP, I think you're right to question how much of his depression is endogenous--meaning, an innate propensity; how much is circumstantial, relating to things in his life that are NOT you; and how much is due to how he feels about you and your relationship. It's because this last possibility exists, especially prior to a long-term commitment being made, that you must remain skeptical. If he is open and communicative with you about what he's feeling, and can assure you that it's not about your relationship, then that's one thing. But if he's shutting you out as part of his "depression," then it's likely that things won't end well for you at all, and you should just walk.

 

My most recent ex claimed he was terribly "lost and confused," depressed, stuck, and all evidence pointed to this being true. And I held on thinking that underneath all the "lost-ness" and funk, he was really committed. But he quit and never once looked back; he also quit going to therapy on the same day he told me he didn't want to see or speak to me again, and in three years he has made good on that by never once contacting me. I am left with the suspicion that he knew he didn't want the relationship much sooner than he admitted, and his inertia in his life was at least as due to how he felt about our relationship and about me as it was to his psychological issues. I would never advocate doing what I did.

 

We all have problems, and things happen that make us less effective in our lives and relationships than we'd otherwise perhaps be. But one either takes steps to address these problems, or he or she makes excuses while doing nothing. When someone does the latter, you just don't stick around; it's not fair to you.

[MrPlop]

I see everybody jumping into the lie-wagon. While I would never justify breaking up under any circumstance (as long as there's faithfulness, trust & love), what if this guy is really stressed out and suffocated and can't keep providing emotional wealth to the relationship, meaning he thinks he's no good to you anymore and wants to be selfish and think of himself only for a while. What if he wants buddy time and doesn't have the guts to tell you.

 

Now if he's testing this relationship knowing he will always have a soft pillow to land on (you), or wants to be single again then drop him on the stop, relationships require commitment, effort and working problems out together. No kiddie games.

[candid90]

Thanks guys for all your support and advice. I really really appreciate them. I guess I know the right choice hard and clear is to walk away but it's a struggle I face everyday. I made the choice to walk away when we broke up the second time but every day I feel a range of emotions that drives me nuts.

 

In regards to his depression, well the signs were all clear and there which he also admitted to going through a very dark time now as well. As of now, he is not seeking help but trying to deal with it the best as he can. In here it's expensive to seek help and monetary being one of his major stresses, I guess that puts him in denial as well? He is currently 27 by the way. But his behaviour after led me to doubt everything. Especially since he has been hanging out with this new girl just a week after our breakup. When the first time we broke he went into full depression mode. We had a strong relationship for 4 years, now I feel that our break up was just an excuse to date this girl. Where did all the depression suddenly go to?!

 

I'm trying to seek closure from this but my heart is screaming to go confront him for the truth though there would not be a point in it anymore.

 

Thing is he makes it so hard to let go. Few days ago one of my family members got hospitalised he immediately sent me a text to check in asking if everything was alright and then sent me positive texts to cheer me on. He heard it from his circle of friends, I got to know as well that he feels that he made a wrong choice in breaking up but feels like he doesn't deserve me anymore. This was a yesterday and today I see him hanging out with this new girl again. He is a guy that is easy to hang out with and friendly with everyone so this lady may just be a new friend but it's driving me nuts thinking there's something more.

 

We have a strong friend circle which we will still inevitably see each other, especially during Christmas which is coming. I'm trying to go complete NC for now to move on but stupid heart keeps telling me there's still hope.

 

Anyone had a similar story to this?

Edited November 17, 2016 by candid90