Lauwatchthestars Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Hi everyone, I'm a 34yo woman from Italy, who took up online dating (ok Cupid) a few months ago after moving permanently to NYC. I've met quite a few people so far, but I don't seem to be able to get a second date most of the times. I have tried different techniques, among which never propose going on a second date unless they propose it first. Today I met a guy for brunch and we had a good time, we went for a Walk and we seemed to be getting along really well. He had to go back home after two hours and before he left he meet up again. This guy will Be leaving on Monday for a month so I said "sure, have a nice trip" because I didn't really think he wanted to meet up again. He said "no, I mean we should meet up later today, I'll text you later". I agreed as I was free the whole day. After an hour he texts me first saying we'd had a nice time together but doesn't really mention meeting up. I keep my calm and a few hours later suggest we go to the movies together. He never replied back. This was just an example but at this point I'm Very confused because I never understand what to expect. I know there should be no expectations after one date, but why making a point of meeting up later and then disappear like that? (This happens frequently). Maybe there's some tips on what to Say at the end of the first date that I'm completely unaware of so any advice will be appreciated. Thanks for reading.
dispatch3d Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 You probably messed up somewhere during the date rather than at the meeting up for a second date part. I have the same problem - first date good then no second date. Usually my opinion after a first date is absolutely no opinion because I've known them for one hour. Also that guys behaviour would drive me nuts. I agree - what the hell.
JasonBourne Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 You probably messed up somewhere during the date rather than at the meeting up for a second date part. I have the same problem - first date good then no second date. Usually my opinion after a first date is absolutely no opinion because I've known them for one hour. Also that guys behaviour would drive me nuts. I agree - what the hell. You seem to have a weird fixation with people 'messing up'
Author Lauwatchthestars Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 You probably messed up somewhere during the date rather than at the meeting up for a second date part. I have the same problem - first date good then no second date. Usually my opinion after a first date is absolutely no opinion because I've known them for one hour. Also that guys behaviour would drive me nuts. I agree - what the hell. It could very well be, but if I'd messed up already during the date, why insist we're going to meet up later and initiate texting? We will never know why, I know that already, people just change their minds and think it fair to let you hang in there. I was just asking tips on what to actually say at the end of the first date when they suggest meeting up again to enhance my chances for that really to Happen.
LookAtThisPOst Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 You seem to have a weird fixation with people 'messing up' This is par with, "the common denominator is you." "Oh, if you can't get a reply to your email on a dating site, "the common denominator is you!" or "If you can't get a second date, you probably did something wrong." Unless she farted, burped at the dinner table, slung food around like a monkey, cursed, I'm pretty sure she didn't do anything WRONG. Just people can be fickle these days. 2
Author Lauwatchthestars Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 I'm not too worried about what I may and may not have done wrong. Anything can be right or wrong, depending on the other person, the context etc so I won't break my head trying to "analyse" that. What I'm trying to figure out is if there's a secret code when saying goodbye after the first date. I'm very confused because most of the times I just play it cool while they insist we meet again or ask me for my phone number (I tend to communicate via chat before the first date) or make plans etc... And then, nothing. Do they just pretend they're interested because it's just too impolite to say "bye" and leave? 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 I'm not too worried about what I may and may not have done wrong. Anything can be right or wrong, depending on the other person, the context etc so I won't break my head trying to "analyse" that. What I'm trying to figure out is if there's a secret code when saying goodbye after the first date. I'm very confused because most of the times I just play it cool while they insist we meet again or ask me for my phone number (I tend to communicate via chat before the first date) or make plans etc... And then, nothing. Do they just pretend they're interested because it's just too impolite to say "bye" and leave? No code, I believe. I think you are right. People are typically uncomfortable about coming right out and saying that they are not interested. If I am not interested, I simply thank the person and say good bye. If I'm interested, I ask for another date before we depart. In your case, it seems he did the latter and he still bailed. It could be that he was multi-dating and the better or alternative option came through. He could have scheduled another date for that same day/evening. Sorry you go through this. People have become really flakey now days.
Larryville Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 I'm a 34yo woman from Italy, who took up online dating (ok Cupid) a few months ago after moving permanently to NYC. I've met quite a few people so far, but I don't seem to be able to get a second date most of the times. I have tried different techniques, among which never propose going on a second date unless they propose it first. Ditto LATP: This is par with, "the common denominator is you." The biggest reason why I did not pursue second dates with someone was: *They looked (totally) different than their profile pictures, including hair style, hair color, length, weight, teeth… The conversation in person was totally different than what was in the profile. Example: seemed, fun and engaging and communicative via the site but in person the conversation was strained and awkward. Something was revealed in the in person conversation that was not mentioned in the profile, or any preceding conversations. "I HAVE A KID". I’m curious why mention that you are from Italy? Is your language (English) a barrier to those you come in contact with?
Author Lauwatchthestars Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 Ditto LATP: This is par with, "the common denominator is you." The biggest reason why I did not pursue second dates with someone was: *They looked (totally) different than their profile pictures, including hair style, hair color, length, weight, teeth… The conversation in person was totally different than what was in the profile. Example: seemed, fun and engaging and communicative via the site but in person the conversation was strained and awkward. Something was revealed in the in person conversation that was not mentioned in the profile, or any preceding conversations. "I HAVE A KID". I’m curious why mention that you are from Italy? Is your language (English) a barrier to those you come in contact with? I mention I'm from Italy for the same reason you state you're in Kansas - meaning, no particular reason at all. English is not a barrier to me, but thank you for asking. What could be a barrier, though, is the different use of conventions when saying good-bye to people. That's why I came here asking for advice.
Author Lauwatchthestars Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 No code, I believe. I think you are right. People are typically uncomfortable about coming right out and saying that they are not interested. If I am not interested, I simply thank the person and say good bye. If I'm interested, I ask for another date before we depart. In your case, it seems he did the latter and he still bailed. It could be that he was multi-dating and the better or alternative option came through. He could have scheduled another date for that same day/evening. Sorry you go through this. People have become really flakey now days. I'm the same as you. When not interested, I'll say "thank you and good-bye" and never contact the person again. If they contact me first, I will gently say that I'm not interested. Never let anyone wait in vain. Thanks for your honest reply.
Chris2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 You probably messed up somewhere during the date rather than at the meeting up for a second date part. I have the same problem - first date good then no second date. Usually my opinion after a first date is absolutely no opinion because I've known them for one hour. Also that guys behaviour would drive me nuts. I agree - what the hell. I think like, reminder to self.
Larryville Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Say at the end of the first date What could be a barrier, though, is the different use of conventions when saying good-bye to people. I will admit I’m not quite understanding. Are you saying that you are not getting second dates because you believe you are saying the wrong things or acting a certain way at the end of the first date? People are typically uncomfortable about coming right out and saying that they are not interested. That is the issue and the only issue. After meeting you, YOU are not what they are looking for, mentally, physically, intellectually… How you end the date is irrelevant. Maybe I’m missing something.
amazonrambo Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 You seem to have a weird fixation with people 'messing up' Jason Bourne, you will mess up one day and they will catch you 2
Author Lauwatchthestars Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 I will admit I’m not quite understanding. Are you saying that you are not getting second dates because you believe you are saying the wrong things or acting a certain way at the end of the first date? That is the issue and the only issue. After meeting you, YOU are not what they are looking for, mentally, physically, intellectually… How you end the date is irrelevant. Maybe I’m missing something. I'll break it down for you. If they don't like me because I'm not what they're looking for mentally, physically, and intellectually, I would expect them to say "thank you and good-bye". Sometimes that happens, and that's completely fine. Sometimes I say that, and I expect it to be completely fine on their part, too. However, if there is connection, I usually don't say anything and see what they say first. What happens most of the times is: they ask me for a second date or make a point of meeting again or ask for my phone number, I agree, and then they disappear. I was wondering if there is a secret code unknown to me, according to which asking for a second date or my phone number means "I'll never see you again".
Larryville Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Thank you for explaining… However, if there is connection… First question would be how do you determine that there is a connection? I ask this because I must admit, I’ve done that. Meaning I’m the type of person that no matter how disappointed I might be after seeing and spending time with someone I won’t give any indication whatsoever that I did not enjoy myself. Subsequently I may say something about possible seeing them again, things might seem cool. But I have no interest in seeing them again. I totally get this is not cool but as someone said I would never tell someone face to face or tell them I’m not interested, would make me uncomfortable. There have been a few times someone called me saying they enjoyed meeting me or something and there might be a few phone conversations after that, I’m still going to try and be nice and friendly. I guess my fade is super slow. I usually don't say anything and see what they say first. What happens most of the times is: they ask me for a second date or make a point of meeting again or ask for my phone number, I agree, and then they disappear. Yes, what I described. I was wondering if there is a secret code unknown to me, according to which asking for a second date or my phone number means "I'll never see you again". No code, no indication, no warnings. People might debate as to the best way to go about this, if not interested. As far as what is going on with you, nobody here can tell you factually what is going on because we don’t know how you look, your personality traits, body language in public, your online persona vs real life persona, do they jive.
Sweetfish Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 I know a lot of guys who don't get laid on the first date will not do a second date.. Maybe this is the dominator
Author Lauwatchthestars Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 Thank you for explaining… First question would be how do you determine that there is a connection? I ask this because I must admit, I’ve done that. Meaning I’m the type of person that no matter how disappointed I might be after seeing and spending time with someone I won’t give any indication whatsoever that I did not enjoy myself. Subsequently I may say something about possible seeing them again, things might seem cool. But I have no interest in seeing them again. I totally get this is not cool but as someone said I would never tell someone face to face or tell them I’m not interested, would make me uncomfortable. There have been a few times someone called me saying they enjoyed meeting me or something and there might be a few phone conversations after that, I’m still going to try and be nice and friendly. I guess my fade is super slow. Yes, what I described. No code, no indication, no warnings. People might debate as to the best way to go about this, if not interested. As far as what is going on with you, nobody here can tell you factually what is going on because we don’t know how you look, your personality traits, body language in public, your online persona vs real life persona, do they jive. I may not be able to tell if there is a connection, but I can totally tell when someone is being fussy just for the sake of it. Enjoy your slow fade, man.
Popsicle Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 I think people just try have a hard time letting someone down, especially when they are face-to-face, so they just act like they like you and are down with seeing each other again until you're out of their sight and then they can ghost on you. Basically, they only care about their own feelings, not yours, so they act this way.
Author Lauwatchthestars Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 I think people just try have a hard time letting someone down, especially when they are face-to-face, so they just act like they like you and are down with seeing each other again until you're out of their sight and then they can ghost on you. Basically, they only care about their own feelings, not yours, so they act this way. Yep, only time will tell!
NuevoYorko Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 The common denominator IS you, but it doesn't mean that you messed up or did anything wrong at all. They just weren't interested. I know it hurts. Most of us have experienced rejection. Just keep on trying and don't get emotionally involved even one iota in the meeting - first few dates (if they happen) stage.
Author Lauwatchthestars Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 The common denominator IS you, but it doesn't mean that you messed up or did anything wrong at all. They just weren't interested. I know it hurts. Most of us have experienced rejection. Just keep on trying and don't get emotionally involved even one iota in the meeting - first few dates (if they happen) stage. Thanks for the insight and the tip. I was really just wondering why they act like they are interested when they are not and if there is a way to tell by the way the date ends so as to know straight away what to expect. That's it, really.
NuevoYorko Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Thanks for the insight and the tip. I was really just wondering why they act like they are interested when they are not and if there is a way to tell by the way the date ends so as to know straight away what to expect. That's it, really. You really can't. Some of them are player types, others are probably interested but not enough, or they are multi dating and more into someone else, or they enjoyed your time together but didn't feel like saying outright that there was no spark or whatever.
Author Lauwatchthestars Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 You really can't. Some of them are player types, others are probably interested but not enough, or they are multi dating and more into someone else, or they enjoyed your time together but didn't feel like saying outright that there was no spark or whatever. Fair enough, thanks.
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