Can negative people truly be happy in relationships? (Updated)

[jaQ3]

I have a theory that negative, defeatist people never have happy, fulfilling relationships. Do you agree?

( I used to be an optimistic, vibrant person until I dated my ex who drained the life out of me.)

 

 

According to LifeHack, some common traits of the negatively-tuned:

 

They always worry

Negative people survive on worry – a very unhealthy diet. This mindset is geared towards the need to feel protected and aware to an extreme degree. Practising mindfulness and staying in the present are great ways to squash worry.

 

Moving outside the familiar world is anathema to those who are negative. They cannot face the possibility of more fear, discomfort, challenges or failure. They are thus never able to try out new experiences and are doomed to dwell in their dull and dreary comfort zone.

 

A negative person will hardly recognize joy, passion, contentment and excitement. These are not emotions or sensations that they regularly experience.

 

Of course, this is hardly surprising when considering these persons are fixated on their unsatisfying jobs, relationships and social status.

 

They live in the default position

There is a neurological explanation as to why some people end up being so negative. It has to do with the part of the brain called the amygdala, which functions as an alarm and is constantly on the look out for danger, fear and bad news. Scientists believe this to be the brain’s default position. In evolutionary terms, this is understandable; it is all part of the fear-flight mechanism in which the brain uses most of its neurons to keep up with all the bad news that is stored in the memory.

 

Are happy relationships even possible for these types of people?

[Grumpybutfun]

No.They are not possible.

G

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think they're ever really happy in their relationships, no.

 

As I've gotten older, I've learned to filter perpetually negative people out of my life. It's not worth it; too emotionally draining.

[basil67]

As a depressive personality, I always found something missing. Especially when I was with my depressive ex husband.

 

But now that I'm medicated and with a positive partner, it's all roses x

[GemmaUK]

No, a relationship is not a fixer and for someone perpetually negative then any relationship will only put all of the pressure on the other party for the negative one's happiness.

That's incredibly unfair and a heck of a lot of responsibility to land on the other party's shoulders.

 

I, like Expat eradicate negative people from my life. They are exhausting to be around.

 

Heck! I can't even stand myself whenever I get negative! If I feel it I snap out and 'decide' to look for the positives. I always find them.

It's all down to taking responsibility for yourself.

[Eternal Sunshine]

There is a difference between someone that is inherently negative (has no hope, doesn't fight) and someone that enjoys negative/sarcastic sense of humor and is perceived as negative.

 

My closest friend is a complainer and likes to focus on the negative. He has also been happily married for 8 years and is very successful in his career. People generally refer to him as "the most negative person they have ever met". Most don't get that he is just having fun.

[LookAtThisPOst]

There is a difference between someone that is inherently negative (has no hope, doesn't fight) and someone that enjoys negative/sarcastic sense of humor and is perceived as negative.

 

My closest friend is a complainer and likes to focus on the negative. He has also been happily married for 8 years and is very successful in his career. People generally refer to him as "the most negative person they have ever met". Most don't get that he is just having fun.

 

Agreed, some people can be PERCEIVED as negative and still be married or have girlfriends. I knew of this one woman, was the bubbly type, had a boyfriend that was a complete naysayer...people wondered why they were even together.

 

I guess she hasn't perceived him as such.

[Gr8fuln2020]

They can delude themselves to believing they are, but the people around them are not. The answer, imho, is that a happy cannot be had with negative people. PERIOD.

[jaQ3]

There is a difference between someone that is inherently negative (has no hope, doesn't fight) and someone that enjoys negative/sarcastic sense of humor and is perceived as negative.

 

My closest friend is a complainer and likes to focus on the negative. He has also been happily married for 8 years and is very successful in his career. People generally refer to him as "the most negative person they have ever met". Most don't get that he is just having fun.

 

 

Great point. My ex boyfriend is most certainly the first; a defeatist

[jaQ3]

Agreed, some people can be PERCEIVED as negative and still be married or have girlfriends. I knew of this one woman, was the bubbly type, had a boyfriend that was a complete naysayer...people wondered why they were even together.

 

I guess she hasn't perceived him as such.

 

If she's like me, she'll get drained enough to want to leave. If she isn't already.

[Gr8fuln2020]

There is a difference between someone that is inherently negative (has no hope, doesn't fight) and someone that enjoys negative/sarcastic sense of humor and is perceived as negative.

 

My closest friend is a complainer and likes to focus on the negative. He has also been happily married for 8 years and is very successful in his career. People generally refer to him as "the most negative person they have ever met". Most don't get that he is just having fun.

 

Hmmmm....then does this make him a negative person???? He's just having fun, so does he LIVE his life in the doldrums? No, just an act, then he's not a negative person, by nature. I think we're talking about people who are genuinely negative.

 

If, at the end of the day, all the negativity is just an act, then, of course, you can live with that. It would be annoying and says something about that person, perhaps an attention seeker, but not something that would necessarily prevent a healthy relationship.

[mortensorchid]

Being a negative person is not a good thing (that's why it's called a negative rather than a positive, of course). Those who are determined to fail are going to fail, even if they have no reason or excuse in which to fail they will do something to screw things up on purpose so that they can justify their misery to others. They look for reasons to be miserable even if they have every reason to be happy. Fact.

 

I have made mistakes in my lifetime with people and in my career. I choose not to dwell on things, I choose to look forward and keep moving forward. I learned from those things but I refuse to be depressed about it. And that goes for my relationships with others. Every new person I meet I try to be the best I can be and give that other person every reason to be happy with me.

[Redhead14]

I have a theory that negative, defeatist people never have happy, fulfilling relationships. Do you agree?

( I used to be an optimistic, vibrant person until I dated my ex who drained the life out of me.)

 

 

According to LifeHack, some common traits of the negatively-tuned:

 

They always worry

Negative people survive on worry – a very unhealthy diet. This mindset is geared towards the need to feel protected and aware to an extreme degree. Practising mindfulness and staying in the present are great ways to squash worry.

 

Moving outside the familiar world is anathema to those who are negative. They cannot face the possibility of more fear, discomfort, challenges or failure. They are thus never able to try out new experiences and are doomed to dwell in their dull and dreary comfort zone.

 

A negative person will hardly recognize joy, passion, contentment and excitement. These are not emotions or sensations that they regularly experience.

 

Of course, this is hardly surprising when considering these persons are fixated on their unsatisfying jobs, relationships and social status.

 

They live in the default position

There is a neurological explanation as to why some people end up being so negative. It has to do with the part of the brain called the amygdala, which functions as an alarm and is constantly on the look out for danger, fear and bad news. Scientists believe this to be the brain’s default position. In evolutionary terms, this is understandable; it is all part of the fear-flight mechanism in which the brain uses most of its neurons to keep up with all the bad news that is stored in the memory.

 

Are happy relationships even possible for these types of people?

 

I guess they could if they found someone who was equally as negative and miserable . . . misery loves company and two negatives make a positive

[Larryville]

The negativity is a defense mechanism. Fear of getting hurt. Also learned behavior the core of the negativity rooted in childhood in some manner.

[jaQ3]

Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Debbie downer type? Or someone who is always the victim? I'd love to hear how it worked out (or didn't)

[jaQ3]

I'm still dealing with the negativity/depression of my ex' influence....I'd like to hear experiences of how others got back on track after a negative relationship? Or just what happened?

[thecrucible]

In general I agree. I think people who are excessively negative can bring others down. At the same time, I don't think people should be pigeon-holed into the negative category. I know how easily this can happen. I'm an introspective person and yeah people can assume I'm in a bad mood when I'm just neutral. It's really irritating, in fact, that being a deep thinker, I'm assumed to be negative. I'm actually as positive as I can be. I make the best of things and I don't mope.

 

So yes in general I agree with the premise, but sometimes people can come across as very charming and outgoing and actually have more of a negative effect on people overall (if they are the cunning type) and their negative effect is just ignored while people zone in on the quiet person.

 

Sometimes people unknowingly put people down because they are experiencing a lot of inner turmoil, which is understandable. That's a lot to take on in a relationship. They may not be manipulative, just drowning in sadness. I feel sympathy for these people more than anything. The world is so focused on incessant positivity that we all feel guilty for ever experiencing sadness in our lives.

Edited November 26, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language~T

[DK_Casus]

It depends.

 

Does negative mean realistic - or does it mean negative?

 

Because it's my experience that a lot of realism is misinterpreted as negativity.

 

I'd rather use other terms.

 

Like constructive versus destructive.

 

If someone is constructive - meaning they're here to build something and to make it last - then it doesn't have to be a problem if they're not happy and upbeat. In fact, it's my experience that happy and upbeat people tend to make less solid constructions because they miss the weak spots. Doesn't mean they can't be satisfied in life - but they're often satisfied about something that doesn't actually exist.

 

On the other hand, if someone is here to put others down for the sake of it - and they don't contribute - then I don't see them ever being satisfied.

 

I don't use the word happy - because I don't think that word applies to any kind of long term situation. It's something you feel here and there - but I don't think it's permanent for anyone, anywhere.

[LookAtThisPOst]

Does negative mean realistic - or does it mean negative?

 

 

Yeah, esp. if that person pulls some irritating crap on you and you call them on it. Then...they proceed to tell you that you are "negative"

[phineas]

my ex-wife wasn't happy.

Blamed it on me.

Found another guy.

Is with him now.

She still isn't happy.

 

but i am.

[Michelle ma Belle]

Has anyone ever been in a relationship with a Debbie downer type? Or someone who is always the victim? I'd love to hear how it worked out (or didn't)

 

It doesn't or at least not happily. There are scads of people who stay in unhappy and unhealthy relationships so 'sticking it out' isn't an accurate measurement of whether a relationship is working or not, happy or not. The whole quality versus quantity.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'm still dealing with the negativity/depression of my ex' influence....I'd like to hear experiences of how others got back on track after a negative relationship? Or just what happened?

 

Being with a negative/depressive partner can most definitely be draining, especially if you're not naturally like that.

 

I was married to a man who was always very sarcastic, cynical and so often negative. He was never depressed and could be very charming if/when he wanted and needed to be BUT behind closed doors, in his everyday life, he always seemed to find the poop stain in everything no matter what it was.

 

I'm completely the opposite. In the beginning I didn't think much of it and just figured he'd mellow out, that being around me would help him see things in a more positive light. Fast forward 20 years and the opposite was true. I found myself growing increasingly negative, cynical, angry and slipped into a depression I never expected. My family and friends started to take notice and often pointed out how much I was changing.

 

Why? Because that wasn't who I was nor wanted to be. Being with someone with such a strong negative personality (on top of the marital problems we were having) made for a toxic cocktail of doom and gloom.

 

In the end I divorced my ex for reasons that go beyond just his negativity (although I'm certain that played a part). I didn't even know how dark my life had become or how cynical I had gotten until I was on my own, away from him and our life and all the problems. It was like breathing fresh air again. It took some time to shake that dark cloud but I found my old self again; the perky, happy, half-glass-full girl I always prided myself on being.

 

Since then I've worked extremely hard to live a happy, positive, drama-free life and that included therapy as well as getting rid of toxic people and surrounding myself with positive ones. To this day I'm intensely protective of my mental and emotional well being and absolutely refuse to let anything and anyone drag me down.

 

It all starts with a decision. Do you want to be positive and happy or not? If the the answer is yes then you make choices that feed into that happiness and positivity you're seeking. And if that means you need to cut ties or at the very least limit your interactions with toxic people then so be it.

 

It's a daily decision made up of baby steps.

 

Good luck.

Edited November 25, 2016 by Michelle ma Belle

[OatsAndHall]

A person cannot be happy in a relationship unless they are happy with themselves. They will cling to a relationship as a source of happiness and it can lead to co-dependency. This issue includes depression, anxiety and other problems that may or may not manifest themselves as "negativity".

 

My last long term relationship ended because my girlfriend continually struggled with this. Many of our conversations revolved around how unhappy she was with her life, work, finances, health etc.. I did my best to listen to her and to be caring and thoughtful but there were several fights when I had enough of it. I didn't berate her for her feelings but would present simple solutions to her various problems. I advised her to find another job that would have less stress, to go back to school so that she could get into a professional career, and to take advantage of various social programs as she was struggling financially. She worked hard but her pay was crap, her health insurance was ridiculously expensive and she would have qualified for several forms of public assistance(including Medicaid) to help pay bills. She did take my advice on several occasions and went back to school while working full-time. I was so very proud of her for doing so and told her that on a daily basis. BUT, the complaining about everything in her life continued and I ended up confronting her about it. It was driving my INSANE when I received text after text detailing how crappy she felt about EVERYTHING.

 

I tried to approach the subject with tact but it really p-ssed her off and she ended the relationship. She told me that she felt like she would never be good enough for me, that she was tired of being criticized and that I was trying to force her to live up to my standards. I apologized for making her feel like she wasn't good enough or that she felt like I was being critical as that was never my intention. But, in the end, another issue of hers came to light. She viewed every one of those discussions as an attack on her character, and was very sensitive about it. I do have regrets about the situation as we had a decent relationship but I am grateful that she called it off. I could not see myself trying to build a life with a person who was so unhappy and didn't take the simple steps to fix it.

[jaQ3]

Oats, that sounds very similar to my situation with my ex. He's ultimately a defeatist that cannot get over his paralyzing indecision over what he needs to do to make his job situation better. He's in his mid thirties and still works an entry level position, but either there's "no jobs" or something that he does find has some kind of 'drawback'.

 

Despite us having lots of common interests, all we would seemingly talk about was his awful job. Combined with the fact that he doesn't produce his own positive energy....it drained me completely and I'm still recovering.

 

He broke up with me because he knew I wasn't happy and he immediately started dating someone else. I don't know why it hurts so much but I wonder how long this new thing will last.

[OatsAndHall]

Oats, that sounds very similar to my situation with my ex. He's ultimately a defeatist that cannot get over his paralyzing indecision over what he needs to do to make his job situation better. He's in his mid thirties and still works an entry level position, but either there's "no jobs" or something that he does find has some kind of 'drawback'.

 

Despite us having lots of common interests, all we would seemingly talk about was his awful job. Combined with the fact that he doesn't produce his own positive energy....it drained me completely and I'm still recovering.

 

He broke up with me because he knew I wasn't happy and he immediately started dating someone else. I don't know why it hurts so much but I wonder how long this new thing will last.

 

It's understandable that you're hurting: you dealt with a negative person for awhile, they broke up with you and moved on to someone else immediately. But, I imagine that you're better off without this guy as he jumped into a new relationship to find a new "emotional caregiver".

 

I am, by nature and profession, a "fixer" and that has attracted me to people who had issues that go well above and beyond negativity. It ultimately tore me down as I hit a point where I just cannot listen to people complain about their lives without taking steps to improve it. I won't be someone's emotional caregiver anymore.