Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 You're going about it the wrong way, your worth is not dependant on what a man sees in you. His inability to be with a woman beyond friendship or beyond a sexual hook-up isn't a reflection on your value. It's a reflection on his issues. And even if he had normal rationships and no depression sometimes people miscalculate that platonic attraction for chemistry. It happens!! Stop beating yourself up for it. Did you enjoy the sex at least? It's hard losing a friendship over something like this, I totally get where you're coming from on that front. Let this settle for a bit and you'll be able to pick up the friendship again once the awkwardness passes. Thank you for this! Hopefully this whole experience will teach me something for the future. It would be nice to think we could move past this. However, I'm not sure how I'd feel if he suddenly decided that he met sone one that was "the one". Perhaps this friendship has run it's course....
joseb Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I agree...I am trying to reconcile my feelings about this but I just feel like I did something wrong and I can't repair it. He is 35 and has only been in one two year relationship that endedicated 13 years ago. Since then he has been with lots of women but can't commit to anyone. Now I just feel like another discarded female to add to the scrapheap. That feeling of worthlessness isn't helping. I think I thought I was different from that somehow? You both have been thinking of doing this for ages. Your grown adults, you decided to have sex. No need to get all dramatic about scrapheaps and feeling worthless. Hopefully the sex was good at least?
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 You both have been thinking of doing this for ages. Your grown adults, you decided to have sex. No need to get all dramatic about scrapheaps and feeling worthless. Hopefully the sex was good at least? Hmm...the sex was....not mindblowing.
DKT3 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I think you really like this guy, you've held out because you are afraid of his past and now your making it happen (pushing him to discard you). Or maybe he was so bad at it that you've changed your mind...last part is a joke...
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 I think you really like this guy, you've held out because you are afraid of his past and now your making it happen (pushing him to discard you). Or maybe he was so bad at it that you've changed your mind...last part is a joke... I enjoyed the joke! Any kind of mood lightener!
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 I think you really like this guy, you've held out because you are afraid of his past and now your making it happen (pushing him to discard you). I'm curious - how do you think I am pushing him to discard me?
DKT3 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I'm curious - how do you think I am pushing him to discard me? If you reject him before he rejects you....i get this from the things you've talked about. Not once did you say you were not interested in a relationship, only that it can't work...the reasons you say it can't work is really your fear that he won't commit to you or that now he got into your pants he will dump you. Honestly his actions of checking on your feelings and being in constant communication with you suggests to me that you two are on the same page but not communicating it for fear of rejection or ruining the friendship.
stillafool Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Have you met and hung out with any of his past gfs? Why did they break up? TBH, it isn't that uncommon for male and female (best friends) to have sex especially if they both are free. If you still want to be his friend just talk about this, have a laugh and go back to being friends. If you now have caught feelings after the "not so mind blowing" sex that's another problem.
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 Have you met and hung out with any of his past gfs? Why did they break up? TBH, it isn't that uncommon for male and female (best friends) to have sex especially if they both are free. If you still want to be his friend just talk about this, have a laugh and go back to being friends. If you now have caught feelings after the "not so mind blowing" sex that's another problem. He has only had one girlfriend, 13 years ago, I haven't met her. I think I will let some time pass and see if the dust settles and we can resume some kind of friendship. Thanks!
spiderowl Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 It's a shame you feel this way. You've done nothing wrong. The guy has the problem. I don't think for a minute that he cannot commit to women because of depression. Plenty of people suffer depression and fall in love and commit. It is a reason he gives, maybe because he does not feel deeply enough for anyone. It's obviously not just you as he has a history of this. Best not to get attached to him and think more about what this inability to commit means. How does he function without ever becoming attached to anyone? Why is he your friend - do you not find him unusual in some way? Is he empathic? Empathy is everything in a relationship: if a guy does not have empathy, then you are always onto a loser.
Popsicle Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Pretend it never happened. A little time and space might be good for now too, then maybe you can resume a friendship again.
BaileyB Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Agreed. Many people deal with depression and they are all able to find partners and have healthy, long term relationships. Maybe he believes that to be true, but it does not have to be the case. Something is not right if that what he's telling you... There is more to his story... I'm sorry that you are feeling badly but you did nothing wrong. Best to just move on and focus on finding the kind of partner/relationship that you want in life.
Marc878 Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 You're overthinking this. It's not the bed of the world. Lighten up a bit. You'll be fine
basil67 Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 However, I'm not sure how I'd feel if he suddenly decided that he met sone one that was "the one". I thought that dating him was out of the question because of his state of mind. If you can't see yourself as suitable for him, be glad for him if he finds someone who does fit.
Author bluebirds000 Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 Thank you for all the well thought-out replies! I know I probably do need to lighten up, I'm just in that initial freak out headspace. He probably isn't thinking about this half as much and I'm just beating myself up about something that I now can't change.
Alamo657 Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Hi there, Looking for some wise words. Last night I slept with my best guy friend. We are (were?) so close and I feel foolish for letting this happen and jeopardising everything. I knew that he had wanted to for a while but I had always managed to convince myself it was a terrible idea. We have previously expressed romantic interest in each other and have kissed before several times. Last night we had a few drinks and it finally happened. I feel nauseous and empty inside. I feel like he could never look at me the same again and I gave part of myself away somehow. I have never had a one night stand before this. This has made me so unhappy. The friendship feels broken. He text me this morning to apologise (he could tell when I left his house yesterday that I was unhapppy). How do I move on from this? I should probably attempt to 'act cool' but my emotions are getting the better of me. Any advice/words of wisdom would be appreciated! TL;DR slept with my best friend and now my head is completely screwed up.There was no friendship to begin with, simply mutual attraction and flirting which lead to kissing and sex. The "friendship" was your mental construction of what "modern men and women relationship should be if all things were equal"; but you're not equals, one has a penis, the other has a vagina, those 2 things are meant to meet each others.
Recommended Posts