She cheated, broke up and I still want her back!

[EricNorth]

My situation is one I just don't understand and I need advice.

 

My girlfriend of one year went to Chile to study abroad, after what was a great relationship. We were compatible as hell, had lots of fun and talked about everything. She kept telling me how much she loved me and that I was the best boyfriend she ever had. She even said she didn't understand how she was going to make it without me there... and now those words just haunt me.

 

We kept in touch via IMs and had weekly Skype conversations. And though I, in retrospect, think we could have done more sexy and intimate things there (due to the time difference it was often really late for me and I was tired, so it was mostly me listening to what she had experienced and being a caring boyfriend).

 

About a month and a half into her first trimester stay, she insisted we Skype, even though it was super late and I needed to go to sleep. I agreed to a quick talk. It was her just looking away with tears in her eyes: She told me she had cheated on me with a guy living in her dorm, that she thought she had a "crush" on him and that she didn't know how she felt about us and everything. That was all I could get out of her and after 20 minutes I just hung up.

 

For the next month we talked in messages (which is crazy, seeing as I haven't been able to even look her in the eyes), and things just got worse, more confusing.

 

In our first round of "talks", she said she had been drunk and got carried away, and after everything got confused. The cheating had happened a month before telling me (and less than a month since she left), and she had kept telling me how much she loved me and missed me and had time to think, but had no good answers for me anyway. She was very apologetic and said she couldn't understand how she could do it, that she didn't know how to trust and see herself, and that she was scared she had ruined something great between us.

 

I said I needed some questions answered and posed them: About what happened, how she now felt about him, about me and what she wanted to do from here. To sum up, she said: She was not in love with him, but acted out on her own insecurity and lack of connection over there. She really couldn't give me a "reason". She still felt like she was in love with me, but couldn't feel how strong these feelings were, but talked about how great I was, how great we were together and how she had pictured a future for us.

 

I then wrote back, maturely, but got all my thought and feelings out, and at the end told her I needed her to say she was sure she still wanted to be with me and work on our relationship, or it would never work. And after a long, emotional message she said she couldn't say for certain and she therefore understood I couldn't be with her anymore. We stopped there at first.

 

A week later I had to go back, it was ripping me up inside. I wrote a long post, but main takeaway was that I offered her a chance to have space and figure herself out (which she said she needed), and talk about it when she got home for Christmas. This time, she said some "feelings" were missing, and that everything else was there (I was so great, we were so great) and yet again I couldn't get a straight answer through all the emotional fog. I pushed again towards either taking the chance to figure out what she wanted till Christmas or to break up with me. She chose the last, but said again she felt like she was making a decision with "blinds on" and that she thought she might regret it.

 

I walked away, but yet again (and I hate myself for it) I had to go back two weeks later. This was the last round of "talks". This time was even stranger. She told me about something that had happened to a friend of hers, almost like we were back to talking like we did before, and I suggested Skype to avoid any more "foggy" answers. We talked for a while, and she was assertive that she thought she needed the year alone to figure things out and work on herself, and that she didn't want to figure anything out at Christmas and then go back to Chile for another trimester. When pushed on the idea of "a break" and why she had decided when she still had feelings for me, I got her to look me in the eye and say she was no longer in love with me. It helped and I felt for sure I could move on now.

 

But the day after, selfishly I must say (even if it was true), she wrote a short message saying she felt pressured into saying she was not in love with me and didn't love me anymore, and that she couldn't say that. But even so, what was the deal now was she had decided it had to be over -- it was a shame, but that was the way it had to be.

 

At this point I gave up, decided to take the even higher road (both because that's who I am and because I think she really is having some real emotional issues) and wrote a message accepting the breakup, saying sorry for not letting go and trying to push her for answers, and ended on a pleasant note about her coming home for Christmas to get her stuff and us getting to catch up, without any intention of talking about what had happened or our relationship, which is over.

 

I hoped she wouldn't answer, but she did and it was the weirdest of all of them. In a message full of emojis (not appropriate at all), she told me she was so glad I sent that last message. She accepted my apology (lol) and talked about how it seemed we both had try to do right by each other, but failed to a degree, and that she felt more and more sure her decision was the right one for her. She also said she now felt we had come to an understanding / agreement and that she finally could have some "closure" that it ended this way -- which really is not how I feel at all. She ended by saying she looked forward to seeing me at Christmas and giving me a hug.

 

I have not answered since then (last week) and do not intend to, and she has not made contact. But I have so much to say to her and I still want to make it work. So I have no idea how to go at anything when she returns.

 

Sorry for the rant. I guess my questions are as follows:

 

Is she being truthful at all? How can she say she loves me and even that she might be in love with me, but still just want to give up and decide it's over? Is this dead no matter what?

 

Should I even try to get her back? Is this an example of emotional confusion, issues, or is it all just excuses for wanting to be single in Chile and trying for something and someone else? Do you think she is going to contact me or is the chance already ruined?

 

What should I do this Christmas? Just be pleasant, ask how she's been and give her her stuff back? Or try to get some real answers to try to help myself move on?

 

Summed up: How does this look to you guys? Can I get her back, and should I even bother trying? We were so great together, and it hurts to think how our love could have grown if she stayed at home or I joined her for the year abroad (we talked about doing this after Christmas, I just needed to finish my commitment to work first).

[JewelD]

You need to get a backbone. Why would you apologize to someone who cheated on you?? Could you get her back? Maybe if she gets bored and desperate but the real question is, why would you want her back? She cheats on you and there's no repercussions for it. You actually try to make her feel better and allow her to decide the future of the relationship.

 

If you get back with her, she will certainly cheat on you again because she knows you're not going to do anything about it anyway. Although I think she probably is going to want to play the field since she's already doing that. It makes a person very unattractive if you treat them some type of way and they accept that negative treatment.

 

Stop contacting her and move on with your life. It will be difficult but well worth it in the long run. Find someone who values you enough not to mess around with other people.

[kidm]

Understandably you must be very emotional and acting on those emotions but unfortunately you're coming off as weak. Please don't contact her again. As other poster mentioned, you really need to get a backbone and value yourself more. No more messages sheeesh. This girl cheated on you and has told you she doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. You cannot talk someone into a relationship. Your relationship was not on solid foundation like you thought and her going abroad really bought that to the forefront. She was only gone a month and half and she cheated!

[Marc878]

You have some growing up to do. Learn one thing from this. You can't make anyone do anything. All you can do is control your life.

 

She is a worthless venture. Block everything and move on like she has.

 

You would just be wasting your time on this.

 

Don't send a worthless letter like they all seem to do pouring your heart out.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you are still deep in denial. It is totally normal, but you're still in the fog.

 

She hid her cheating for an entire month. Think about the level of dishonesty for a moment: every time you talked her, trying to be the "caring boyfriend", she was sitting there knowing she'd been with another guy. Every time you told her you loved her or sent her a cute message, it went to a girl who had invited another man into her bed. Ask yourself what type of person does that to someone they claim to "love." That is the type of girl she really is.

 

Then she broke up with you. She thought about it and doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. The trust is gone and her desire isn't strong enough to try to make it work. My guess is that she is seeing this other guy now. And she probably does feel bad for hurting you, but she told you herself she's doing what's right for her. In fact, she is probably relieved that you don't hate her and that you didn't tell her to go take a flying leap.

 

It's over. I know you want to make it work, but she doesn't. And trust me when I say that even if you did reconcile, it would never be the same again. You'd wonder what she's up to when she's slow to answer your message, doesn't feel like Skyping, goes to a party with her dorm-mates (other man included) - it just wouldn't work.

 

I know it's very painful. But as JewelD suggested, you very much need a backbone. You have allowed this girl to take a huge proverbial crap all over you and your relationship. For your own sanity, draw boundaries and don't allow her a place in your life.

[fromheart]

Is she being truthful at all? How can she say she loves me and even that she might be in love with me, but still just want to give up and decide it's over? Is this dead no matter what?

 

Should I even try to get her back? Is this an example of emotional confusion, issues, or is it all just excuses for wanting to be single in Chile and trying for something and someone else? Do you think she is going to contact me or is the chance already ruined?

 

What should I do this Christmas? Just be pleasant, ask how she's been and give her her stuff back? Or try to get some real answers to try to help myself move on?

 

Summed up: How does this look to you guys? Can I get her back, and should I even bother trying? We were so great together, and it hurts to think how our love could have grown if she stayed at home or I joined her for the year abroad (we talked about doing this after Christmas, I just needed to finish my commitment to work first).

 

 

No she's not being truthful or trustful. A few weeks apart is all it takes for her to get in bed with another man.

 

Not sure why you'd want a girl like that back man, you'll never be able to go to sleep at night without wondering who she's ba~ging behind your back.

 

Make this Christmas a celebration that you don't have a liar and cheater in your life anymore. Leave her stuff at a mutual friends, or somewhere where you don't need to see her or communicate with her.

 

You had a quick honeymoon period which was enjoyable, then you found out who she really is. This happens with dating.

 

You're tolerating this sort of behavior in your life, with the long talks and pretty much giving her the power to do what she wants. Not only has she betrayed you, she even has the ball in her court as to whether she wants to continue or not. Surely it should be about whether YOU want to continue?!

 

What we tolerate is what we get in life. Tell her you only accept trustful people in your life, go NC walk away and don't look back.

[petroff]

She cheated once, she's gonna do this again. People just simply don't change..especially those who have really bad habits(like being able to cheat).

 

Just don't contact her at all. Seriously, just leave it.

[Kelley]

I have been there, my ex cheated on me and I still wanted him! It's because you love them and that takes over for a while. When I stepped back and went NC that's when I realised how stupid I had been. You can't trust someone that betrays your trust, you deserve so much better. Take a step back, give yourself time to see clearly. At the moment chemicals in your brain are clouding your judgement. Go NC and take that time to realise you are being weak and you will kick yourself when your self respect kicks back in!

[EricNorth]

My post was just a summary, and I promise I let her have it about the cheating and what the **** kind of person she turned out to be, but with all her indecision and not giving me real answers I felt like I lost all power -- even when I tried to be assertive, give ultimatums or the like, she seemed to be able to wriggle herself out and push/pull me again. So I do regret not just saying "bye" and going no contact at once instead of hopelessly trying to get answers and make sense of it all.

 

The problem, for me, has been I know how integral closeness and intimacy is for her, and how insecure she is, that I could understand (not accept and try again without her really working for it) a one-time mistake happening, but not if she is not going to work to make it right. I'm certain she'll regret it when she gets back home for good, but then it would be too late, and tried to make her understand she was losing it all. But I guess I was only fooling myself.

 

I definitely agree my emotions are clouding my judgement here and I hope that time will do the trick. I have some select words that need to be said, which I have spared so far to not burn all bridges and to get her to come over for Christmas so I can actually look her in the eyes and get some closure, but the time inbetween is killing me. She actually had the balls to wish my mother a happy birthday today... I don't even know who this girl is anymore.

[JewelD]

It was a one-year relationship and I'm assuming the both of you are college age. This is not uncommon. Your relationship was put to the test and she failed. So you move on. You weren't married, you don't have kids and you don't own a home together. There's nothing tying you down to this girl.

 

She didn't ruin everything by cheating because she didn't care. She's not talking about getting back with you and trying to work on it because she does not care. I think she's made it abundantly clear that she does not want to be with you and yet you're still trying to control the situation for some reason.

 

You're not going to get any closure over Christmas break or any other time. Seems like she has already laid it out pretty clear and you had multiple conversations about it. Do you just want to argue with her in person in the hopes that she will change her mind? It's not going to happen.

 

Tell her to kick rocks and spend your holiday with people who actually care about you. Dragging out this pointless drama isn't going to do anything for you.

[LD1990]

If she cheated once, she'll cheat again. Guaranteed. Rationalize what she did all you want, the fact is she was willing to throw away her relationship with you in two weeks of being abroad. Every time you think about how you want this girl, you need to remind yourself that while you were staying up late to keep her company, she was spreading her legs for some other guy after she hung up (because I guarantee this wasn't a one-time thing).

 

She doesn't respect you at all and if you two were to get back together, she never would, because she knows you're a doormat. I've seen relationships where the woman cheats and the man takes her back. They go through counseling and work very hard and guess what happens? She cheats again. And you know what? You can't even blame her at that point, it's the guy's fault for expecting her to change.

 

Don't ruin your holidays talking to this skank. Mail her stuff to her house or her family's house, block her, and move on.

[kamu7]

- go no contact. i mean it. find a friend to tell all your emotions to (or post it online). don't talk to her, don't crack, just don't. give yourself rewards for getting through it.

 

- start dating other people, just to distract yourself/put someone else in your head.

 

- don't see her over xmas (i doubt you'll listen to this, but don't do it, for your own good).

 

honestly, she's not coming back if she thinks you're hanging around as a weak option in the background. if you firmly cut her out and show her you're done (i.e. strict no contact), you get two benefits: 1) she might question her decision temporarily, and 2) you get to start moving on!! but i'm warning you, even if you go full NC, she's not going to come back, at least not in a committed way. she might regret it if you go strictly NC/start dating someone else (fun karma to imagine), but honestly, she sounds immature and confused and it's going to take a major seismic life shift for her to have the sense knocked into her that she threw away a potentially important/lasting relationship. she can't see that now and you hanging around her being so nice isn't going to help.

 

trust me, i've been both you and her in various situations. it doesn't end well. i know it sucks and you'll probably crack several more times, but at some point you just have to kick it to the curb and force yourself to start seeing other people. and then you'll realise how much you let yourself be **** on, and you won't want to see her again because you'll feel so embarrassed by yourself.