His ex apparently has messages he would leave me for her. , so hurt

[Sunkissedpatio]

Because people are capable of cheating. It's absolutely a fact of life. I know people who cheat who swear they won't cheat. The most "perfect" ppl. Cheat. ....

 

The motive was still malice and I don't think her new husband would appreciate she was still talking to her ex on special apps.

 

The correct thing to do is let those cheated on know what a weak-charactered pathological liar they are with.

 

Anyone who is willing to tip another unsuspecting victim off is A-OK in my books.

 

 

This woman saved another woman the same heartache she had to go through. That's the only motive I see. Kudos to her!

 

I suspect the ex's fiance even knows she did this to her ex and supports her plan. I would never leave my partner for wanting to out an ex who did him wrong. That's what loyalty is about. In fact I have supported my ex fiance in doing things he felt he needed to do to fight his ex who was trying to mess with him. I never questioned his motives or why he needed to make things right.

 

I seriously doubt the finace would leave her over this because she did the right thing.

[kendahke]

How is this any different than snopping in someone's phone...?

 

This has nothing to do with snooping. She's sending what was received on her phone, not his.

 

This was a private msg he may have sent and for an ex to meddle in his/her new relationship is malice. She may not be perfect her self. Ever considered that?

 

Perfection is non sequitur in this discussion. There was nothing said by him to keep the message secret, so she's free to share the information with whomever, especially if it proves malicious action by the boyfriend.

 

She dumped him; he clearly hasn't gotten over her if after a year, he's still pining for her and she's moved on with her life.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thank you all so much,

Just read through responses this morning and they are all very helpful and supportive.

 

I feel heartbroken and can't stop crying- probably silly after seeing what he his like!

 

I showed him everything she sent me last night. At first he denied everything, he said someone with an 'ulterior motive' had sent them. I could tell by his reaction he was lying.

I asked him how this person would know the exact timeline of our relationship etc and he said, 'I don't know'.

 

He finally admitted talking with her and said he knows 'he should not have been', it was just the shock of her engagement, after all he had spend a 9 years with her (he is 30).

 

He said it was wrong and he is so sorry. He said he still does love her but he is 'in love' with me.

 

I went into the bedroom last night and locked the door and just cried.

 

In black and white he told her, nobody compares to her and given the chance to work things out with her he would.

 

He wants us to work thing through, I cannot look at his face even.

 

Thanks everyone xx

 

I'm sorry OP.

 

You know of course that this entirely ruins it.

 

I am really sorry he was a drip to you.

[dreamingoftigers]

Thanks, absolutely. I messaged the ex saying thanks for shedding the light and she got back to me saying, she is sorry and she has no ill towards me but he cheated on her and she is so glad someone told her. Not that they were seeing each other but she just said he has not changed and to be aware of what he is like.

 

I find this so hard to take in as this does NOT sound like the person I have fell for. He said he didn't cheat on her by the way, for what its worth.

 

Of course not.

 

 

I'm sure he and whoever it was "were just friends."

[dreamingoftigers]

Yeah I feel really silly now but thats it exactly- he tells me loves me literally every single day and then that is what he says behind my back to her....

I don't know how I fell for this. Thanks xx

 

Because normal, healthy people don't do this.

 

And sometimes it takes time for people's true colours to come out.

 

My husband completely blindsided me when I was 26.

 

It just happens. A lot of people think you can be clairvoyant in relationships, but sometimes that's just not the case.

 

I think it's because a cheater believes what he or she says WHEN they are saying it, but it isn't attached to consequences or sense often.

[dreamingoftigers]

If you'll stay with your BF, then you are just settling for someone who is ready tongive you up if he gets the first chance.

 

Facts:

 

1.) You are a rebound.

2.) He is still in love with her

3.) He is definitely not in love with you the way you want him to.

4.) Based on my experience, there's 90% chance he'll leave you once he got over his ex and finds a new one.

5. He is definitely a cheater.

 

Your call.

 

None of this is a reflection on you OP.

 

Just so you realize that.

 

There is nothing "different" you could have done or been. That's just the way these guys are.

 

By the way, long ago I read a nice insightful book titled something along the lines of "Why Men Marry Some Women and Not Others" after my ex and I split.

 

It mentioned that generally if a guy hasn't had at least a VERY serious discussion regarding marriage by the 18 month mark or has outright proposed, then his chances of doing so diminish over time.

 

I realize that more people tend to wait nowadays, (I only read it 11 years ago, right before I met my husband and could tell he was at the point where he wanted the serious marriage/ family thing. He ended up being completely in over his head, but I digress.)

 

But if he was with her NINE years and they weren't engaged I would be willing to bet that he is a "stringer."

 

Stringers seem to be thisclose to commitment, but in reality they don't and string women along. It was estimated in the book that the peak times a woman marries tend to be pretty crucial and each Stringer tended to, on average, be responsible for keeping two women from ever marrying at all.

 

So if you are marriage-minded, it's just one more reason, despite the grief, to be happy to be rid of him. There is a very high chance that aside from being a cheater, he might completely just waste your time being non-committal. (If that's what you want, anyhow).

[elenanic5757]

Thanks you all so much, I have read over everything and I am thinking hard. You are all very insightful and very kind.

 

I do not support him financially, he moved in to my place from his own apartment and is waiting now on putting an offer in to purchase his own apartment. Where we live the market for rentals is really really tough, there is a shortage and its difficult to find somewhere. As shocking as this is to me, I cannot even look at him knowing that I am second prize, that paired with all the garbage that come out of his mouth. Everything seems like a lie now. I do want him to move out but feel I have to give him some time to find something? I don’t want to just kick somebody out? Am I being too much of a walk over with this decision?

 

We are not currently speaking, except for him trying to profusely apologize. He is blaming the shock of the engagement for all that he said and is backtracking. Its my birthday this weekend and he was taking me away as a surprise he told me, all Mr Nice Guy now. I am really hurt over the fact that goven the chance to be with his ex he would leave me. Literally.

 

Thank you all.

[elaine567]

He is blaming the shock of the engagement for all that he said and is backtracking. Its my birthday this weekend and he was taking me away as a surprise he told me, all Mr Nice Guy now. I am really hurt over the fact that goven the chance to be with his ex he would leave me. Literally.

.

 

There would be no "shock of the engagement" if he was truly over her.

Most people, even if shocked, would not immediately be in touch offering undying love to their now engaged ex...

You unfortunately unwittingly got involved n a triangle.

Even if he is Mr Nice Guy now, the triangle still exists.

[ExpatInItaly]

There would be no "shock of the engagement" if he was truly over her.

Most people, even if shocked, would not immediately be in touch offering undying love to their now engaged ex...

You unfortunately unwittingly got involved n a triangle.

Even if he is Mr Nice Guy now, the triangle still exists.

 

Precisely.

 

I would tell him to find a friend or family member to stay with. There is no way I'd continue to allow a liar like this to stay in my home. It isn't your problem that the rental market is tough; it's his problem for moving in with you while still secretly pining for another woman.

 

Get him out.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Precisely.

 

I would tell him to find a friend or family member to stay with. There is no way I'd continue to allow a liar like this to stay in my home. It isn't your problem that the rental market is tough; it's his problem for moving in with you while still secretly pining for another woman.

Get him out.

 

And not just pining but actively trying to get her back :sick:

[Redhead14]

Thanks you all so much, I have read over everything and I am thinking hard. You are all very insightful and very kind.

 

I do not support him financially, he moved in to my place from his own apartment and is waiting now on putting an offer in to purchase his own apartment. Where we live the market for rentals is really really tough, there is a shortage and its difficult to find somewhere. As shocking as this is to me, I cannot even look at him knowing that I am second prize, that paired with all the garbage that come out of his mouth. Everything seems like a lie now. I do want him to move out but feel I have to give him some time to find something? I don’t want to just kick somebody out? Am I being too much of a walk over with this decision?

 

We are not currently speaking, except for him trying to profusely apologize. He is blaming the shock of the engagement for all that he said and is backtracking. Its my birthday this weekend and he was taking me away as a surprise he told me, all Mr Nice Guy now. I am really hurt over the fact that goven the chance to be with his ex he would leave me. Literally.

 

Thank you all.

 

You put him out the door right now. Buy a new refrigerator so he can have the box to live in, but put him out. He can stay in a hotel or with a buddy or one of the other women he's probably seeing behind your back until his apartment is ready.

 

I am really hurt over the fact that goven the chance to be with his ex he would leave me -- It's not just her you need to be hurt about . . . he cheated on her . . . is he cheating now or will he cheat on you?

[stillafool]

I completely agree with Redhead14. Put him out. He is a grown man and can certainly find someplace else to live even if it's a hotel. Your keeping him around the house, your birthday this weekend are all things that will suck you back in to the relationship. Let him go, be strong, you can do this.

[Gaeta]

I do want him to move out but feel I have to give him some time to find something? I don’t want to just kick somebody out?

 

Why are you being nice to him?

 

If the ex had told him she wants him back you think he would have given you some time? He would have dropped you there without notice.

 

He's a grown up man, he can go crash on his mom or a friend's couch.

[dreamingoftigers]

I completely agree with Redhead14. Put him out. He is a grown man and can certainly find someplace else to live even if it's a hotel. Your keeping him around the house, your birthday this weekend are all things that will suck you back in to the relationship. Let him go, be strong, you can do this.

 

Not to mention, this kind of stuff tends to make one weak and heartbroken. It will just give him the opportunity to work his way back in.

 

"Oh clearly you're much more precious. I can't believe I almost lost you" gag.

[introverted1]

I do want him to move out but feel I have to give him some time to find something? I don’t want to just kick somebody out? Am I being too much of a walk over with this decision?

 

How much time do you suppose he'd have given you had his ex said, yes, let's get back together. Would he have taken more than a week to break the news to you?

 

You owe him no time at all.

[kendahke]

He is blaming the shock of the engagement for all that he said and is backtracking.

 

He's not over her if this is where he is a whole year later.

 

He had hope that she would take him back--that much is plain.

[elenanic5757]

Thanks all, you have been such a help.

 

I've asked him to leave over the weekend. I am heartbroken though and part of me wants him to stay.

 

He is saying that yes it was wrong, but he was with her for almost a third of his life and that he does love her but he loves me too. Now he wants to work on things with us and has sworn to me never to be in contact with her again- he is saying that SHE is trying to destroy HIM because she doesn't want him to be happy.

He must think I am completely gullible- he made it so clear she comes before me and if she would give him a chance he would never look back. Sickening.

 

Thanks again guys.

 

It's horrible to be made feel you're second best or the consolation.

[Gaeta]

Thanks all, you have been such a help.

 

I've asked him to leave over the weekend. I am heartbroken though and part of me wants him to stay.

 

He is saying that yes it was wrong, but he was with her for almost a third of his life and that he does love her but he loves me too. Now he wants to work on things with us and has sworn to me never to be in contact with her again- he is saying that SHE is trying to destroy HIM because she doesn't want him to be happy.

He must think I am completely gullible- he made it so clear she comes before me and if she would give him a chance he would never look back. Sickening.

 

Thanks again guys.

 

It's horrible to be made feel you're second best or the consolation.

 

What a load of poo !!!

 

His only regret is that he lost on both sides!! What a manipulative little twit.

 

Stick to your gun and have him OUT asap !! You are too generous to let him stay under YOUR roof till the weekend.

[Sunkissedpatio]

His reasoning for doing this is that he was with her for 9 years? SO WHAT? What's next? "Well we worked together for two years and she was so nice and friendly and I really liked her"

 

Oh gimme a break! On top of deceiving you like he did he is treating you like you are a fool he can walk all over?

 

I know it's easy for all of us to tell you to walk away and you must be tempted to hear out his excuses, which if you allow yourself to listen long enough, they will start to make sense but please don't fall for it. He is a vicious liar who ended up with nothing and is going to any extent to tell you what you need to hear because he is panicking. If you were weak enough to fall for it and stay he will do this again when someone else comes along he finds shiny and new down the line. You will see this clearly once the shock and pain subsides.

 

I can imagine the pain you feel and the shock.

 

Look you are not "second best" his ex who is doing this to you over was second best too, and so on will the next. There is no first best because these man values no woman. Remember that!!

 

Stay strong keep talking to us here if need be you won't regret it.

Edited November 16, 2016 by Sunkissedpatio

[stillafool]

Thanks all, you have been such a help.

 

I've asked him to leave over the weekend. I am heartbroken though and part of me wants him to stay.

 

He is saying that yes it was wrong, but he was with her for almost a third of his life and that he does love her but he loves me too. Now he wants to work on things with us and has sworn to me never to be in contact with her again- he is saying that SHE is trying to destroy HIM because she doesn't want him to be happy.

He must think I am completely gullible- he made it so clear she comes before me and if she would give him a chance he would never look back. Sickening.

 

Thanks again guys.

 

It's horrible to be made feel you're second best or the consolation.

 

Of course he wants to work on things now because she does not want him and is looking forward to getting married. He doesn't want to be left without a woman = left without someone to have sex with.

[kendahke]

He is saying that yes it was wrong, but he was with her for almost a third of his life and that he does love her but he loves me too. Now he wants to work on things with us and has sworn to me never to be in contact with her again- he is saying that SHE is trying to destroy HIM because she doesn't want him to be happy.

 

HOWEVER, he was happy to spend the last few months texting her, reaching out to her of his own volition behind your back, telling her that he would be with her if she'd give him a chance... in the meantime, everytime he was looking in your face and smiling, he was gaslighting you and lying by omission about the truth of the policy he was following.

 

He did enough of the work here to destroy your relationship. What she did didn't cause all of this damage. His lying in your face did that. Liars are never to be awarded any benefit of the doubt--they were manipulating you from the jump.