Shining One Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 This question is primarily for the ladies. Why do so many women feel the need to pressure their friends about the engagement ring? It seems like when a relationship reaches some arbitrary timetable, the friends start asking the woman in the relationship: "So, when is he going to get you the ring?" My girlfriend and I have an understanding. Marriage is not on the table for the foreseeable future. Fortunately for me, she hasn't been pushing it at all, despite her friends pushing her. I only heard about it from the boyfriend of one of her friends.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 They push it because she doesn't put her foot down when they nag her about it. If I tell my friends to quit it that it's not happening soon and don't want to hear about it they'll leave me alone. I suspect she doesn't put her foot down because deep down she wishes for darn ring. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 This question is primarily for the ladies. Why do so many women feel the need to pressure their friends about the engagement ring? It seems like when a relationship reaches some arbitrary timetable, the friends start asking the woman in the relationship: "So, when is he going to get you the ring?" My girlfriend and I have an understanding. Marriage is not on the table for the foreseeable future. Fortunately for me, she hasn't been pushing it at all, despite her friends pushing her. I only heard about it from the boyfriend of one of her friends. Well, as a guy, I COMPLETELY understand. Provided you two have been dating for a reasonable amount of time, and living together, 1-2 years plus, I would be wondering. How long does it take for someone to realize he/she wants to spend his/her life with her/him??? Unless you have definite life-changing reasons to postpone, then why??? Again, depends on how much time you two have been together. 1
phineas Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 and it doesn't stop with marriage. Once the ring comes it's "when you having kids" starts up. hahaha
Author Shining One Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 They push it because she doesn't put her foot down when they nag her about it. If I tell my friends to quit it that it's not happening soon and don't want to hear about it they'll leave me alone.She isn't very good about putting her foot down. We've been working on that.I suspect she doesn't put her foot down because deep down she wishes for darn ring.I really hope this isn't the case. Well, as a guy, I COMPLETELY understand. Provided you two have been dating for a reasonable amount of time, and living together, 1-2 years plus, I would be wondering. How long does it take for someone to realize he/she wants to spend his/her life with her/him???I've never asked anyone (male or female) when their relationship is progressing to the next stage, whatever stage that may be. We've been together for two years, but we don't live together.Unless you have definite life-changing reasons to postpone, then why???I have certain prerequisites that need to be met before I consider marriage, which she understands.
Ruby Slippers Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I think it's a status thing. The faster he proposes, the better it makes the girl look. On the other hand, if he drags it out forever, people start to feel sorry for her. 2
Herbalist Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Often female friends are protective of each other including when it comes to the details of each others' relationships, so it wouldn't be surprising if they are concerned you are going to waste years of her life and then leave when something better comes along and that this is why you haven't brought up marriage. However sometimes this protectiveness does trespass against personal boundaries and a lot of projection from one's own past misfortunes can be involved. Close long-time female friends also tend to be highly intuitive in their communications with each other, so it is also possible that they have been picking up on signs from her that she has also has concerns about the lack of marriage in the future, and they would pick up on it if she just brushes off their concerns put doesn't tell them to stop, either. And so on and so forth. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 She isn't very good about putting her foot down. We've been working on that.I really hope this isn't the case. I've never asked anyone (male or female) when their relationship is progressing to the next stage, whatever stage that may be. We've been together for two years, but we don't live together.I have certain prerequisites that need to be met before I consider marriage, which she understands. Men typically don't ask. Women do. After two years, it is not unreasonable, but you two have not been living together at all, so I would better appreciate your not being ready just yet. You also appear to have certain thresholds that need to be met and your gf knows this. Again, I don't see anything wrong with her gfs asking after 2-years. Once could reasonably ask, why after two years, you need to meet certain prerequisites before popping the question...what difference does it make whether you accomplish these prerequisites before or during or after? Well, the answer is that if matters to you. Just saying...I don't think it's unreasonable to ask.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I have certain prerequisites that need to be met before I consider marriage, which she understands. Oooh now I'm curious... Women don't mean any harm by it, they drank the Cool Aid and are just curious when you'll be drinking it too.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Oooh now I'm curious... Women don't mean any harm by it, they drank the Cool Aid and are just curious when you'll be drinking it too. Yeah, this....also, it's not your gf is that asking. You two have an understanding, so no harm, right? 1
thecrucible Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I don't do this to my friends because I figure it's none of my business. By not pressing them for juicy details I feel like we have more genuine conversation. If they did get engaged I'd support them in whatever way they wanted. I just ask stuff like 'How's [significant other's name]?' and it flows naturally from there. 3
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I agree with you Crucible, it is kind of tacky to ask, it adds unnecessary pressure to women especially those who have been in 2 year + rels. It's not an "arbitrary timeline" if they know your girlfriend aspires to be married one day, especially to you since they know how much she loves you, then 2 years + rels have to keep progressing like SimpleNfit said. Engagement is the next step of progression. Otherwise you are just dating forever, even if you live together. Unless you don't believe in marriage then you make your own rules up.
Redhead14 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 They push it because she doesn't put her foot down when they nag her about it. If I tell my friends to quit it that it's not happening soon and don't want to hear about it they'll leave me alone. I suspect she doesn't put her foot down because deep down she wishes for darn ring. I suspect she doesn't put her foot down because deep down she wishes for darn ring. -- Shhhhh, don't pressure him 4
BluEyeL Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I've had friends ask me when are we going to get married and I also had friends warning me "do not marry him !!" We are older adults and the ones who told me to never marry him are married women who tell me that romance will stop and I'll have to wash his underwear after marriage, marriage is a bad deal. The ones who ask when are we getting married are optimistic about marriage and like the idea. So the question tells more about the asker and if you don't like it you tell them to stop but generally these are well meaning friends who mean no harm. 1
victoria88 Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 This question is primarily for the ladies. Why do so many women feel the need to pressure their friends about the engagement ring? It seems like when a relationship reaches some arbitrary timetable, the friends start asking the woman in the relationship: "So, when is he going to get you the ring?" My girlfriend and I have an understanding. Marriage is not on the table for the foreseeable future. Fortunately for me, she hasn't been pushing it at all, despite her friends pushing her. I only heard about it from the boyfriend of one of her friends. Ok, let me assure you I have never (until this moment) pressed a friend about the engagement ring. This is something very serious and people will take this step when they are both ready. When someone tells me how happy she is and how much in love she is with her boyfriend, I am happy for both of them. So I may ask if they have planned to get married (if she is a closer friend, otherwise I will not ask). I am very delicate and very respectful of people's free will (about everyhing: marriage, rings, babies). I also do not like when people are pushing someone "Come on, come on when...baby/marriage/engangement?" I want to tell them, this is none of your business...(but I am usually kind). 2
MarkIVSteel Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 and it doesn't stop with marriage. Once the ring comes it's "when you having kids" starts up. hahaha After that, it's when are we moving into a nice house in the burbs with a white picket fence.
Popsicle Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Why are you worrying about it if she's not bringing it up to you? She probably doesn't want to get married to you right now either so it's not an issue.
Author Shining One Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 Why are you worrying about it if she's not bringing it up to you? She probably doesn't want to get married to you right now either so it's not an issue.I'm not worried about it. I'm just trying to understand the reasoning behind it.
basil67 Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 We had very few people asking us when we were going to marry. But of those who did ask, it was evenly spread between men and women. The one thing they all had in common (both genders) was that they were romantic souls. I think they just looked forward to the romance of it all.
Els Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 I don't think the pressure is for the ring, but rather for the social structure. Well-meaning friends perceive marriage as 'security' for the woman, though that isn't really the case anymore in this day and age. 1
AMJ Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 (edited) The type of women who do this are IMO moreso catty than protective. It's all about competition and in a two-faced sort of way, it plants seeds of doubt in your GF who might be completely happy with your relationship. Her friend who is poking her nose into your business is either jealous that your GF is happy, OR the other possibility is if you two have been dating longer than she's been with her BF, she feels the need to hurry you two along so she can move along towards marriage in her own relationship. It's like dominos, when one person gets married all the other BFs in the group feel pressure to propose, too. Edited November 14, 2016 by AMJ 1
lana-banana Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 There can be many motives for this: - Genuine interest and excitement (engagements are fun and a very happy period for all involved) - Passive-aggressive prodding at the boyfriend for not proposing yet - Passive-aggressive taunting the girlfriend for not being engaged yet - A desire to compare relationship timelines - Exploring just to make sure you will or won't be planning to propose at a major upcoming event with friends The vast majority of people ask out of well-meaning excitement, not malice. It does seem to be a common question after you hit the one-year mark, but it shouldn't be a big deal to say "Nah, not right now. We'll get there when we get there." I don't ask myself because I know a few couples for whom marriage is an emotional minefield and just raising the topic creates tons of tension. If it doesn't bother your girlfriend I would just assume her friends are curious. Don't let it bother you either. 1
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