lullabee Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I've been with my boyfriend for 7 months. It's been a very happy relationship. We get on well with each others families, he has 3 sisters who I consider good friends, and he is very caring, loving, loyal and affectionate. I've been very happy during this short time but in the last week I have felt a little bit different about things. My boyfriend is a great guy and very open with me, but he has a sarcastic humour. While this is often funny, it can be a little but hurtful. It feels a bit wrong to talk about him this way because he is great, does a lot for me and puts effort into this relationship but two incidents have happened this past week that have left me feeling worried about the relationship... The first issue being that I am living between my hometown and a city 3 hours apart. I go back and forth as I have a health problem that gets treated at home. We see each other a lot when I'm home, and we try to keep a good communication when I'm away. I'll be honest, I've been unwell the last 3 months so have spent more time in my hometown than the city so we see each other a good amount. Last Sunday I was dropping him home and told him I'd be gone for a week but back on this Monday coming up. He was a bit drunk and got really upset that I wouldn't stay the night at his before I left. So upset that he wouldn't say goodbye to me properly or say "love you too" when I was saying bye. He text me when I got home saying that it wasn't fair that I didn't spend the night at his, ESPECIALLY since he'd stayed the last two nights with me at my parents place and to 'f off'. In the morning he messaged me to apologise and we've been in touch since... but I dunno, I know he was drunk but I've felt strange since this happened. The more pressing issue for me is that the sarcasm is getting a little bit hurtful. I'm a paediatric nursing student and very passionate about my work. When I talk about work sometimes, and even when it's not work-related, he will often let me talk for 2-3 minutes and then say things at the end like "are you done?" or "I didn't listen to a word of that." funny the first few times but now it's getting a bit deflating. I sent him a video last night of something I think he'd find funny and his response was "I watched 9 seconds of that and turned it off". He'll tell me to "shut the f--- up" sometimes when I'm talking to him too. He says it while laughing 'as a joke' or 'banter' and we can laugh but sometimes it doesn't make me feel very nice. He'll talk to me this way more so if we're around other people or around my friends, recently to the point that one of my friends actually asked my housemate if he's really like that with me all the time. Which he isn't!! But recently it is starting to bug me. I am a little bit more sensitive at the moment because I am struggling with an ongoing health problem so maybe I am just overthinking things... I just wanted to see what you all thought. Most of the time this relationship is very happy, I know you can't change a person but is there any way I can approach him about this and get a positive outcome?
GorillaTheater Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I'm sarcastic as hell, and what you describe isn't sarcasm, it's called being a dick. 9
Author lullabee Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 I'm sarcastic as hell, and what you describe isn't sarcasm, it's called being a dick. You're right, it is. I'm avoiding the reality of it I want to approach him about this but I don't really know how to say it now because I feel like I'm going to sound like I'm nagging.
Redhead14 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 (edited) You're right, it is. I'm avoiding the reality of it I want to approach him about this but I don't really know how to say it now because I feel like I'm going to sound like I'm nagging. "I do not appreciate your attitude with me and I will not tolerate it. If it continues, I will leave the relationship". And, if it continues, you leave. What he does is abusive and disrespectful. You tell him straight up and make a boundary for yourself. It's not about nagging, its about boundaries and enforcement. Nagging would be having to ask him to take out the garbage 10 times . . . Edited November 11, 2016 by Redhead14 2
BaileyB Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 "I do not appreciate your attitude with me and I will not tolerate it. If it continues, I will leave the relationship". And, if it continues, you leave. Exactly. What you have described isn't sarcasm, it is very disrespectful and dismissive behavior. He needs to be more considerate of your thoughts and feelings or you need to leave.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 A boyfriend would tell me to F off only ONCE and it would be his last. As others have said this is not sarcasm, this is a total lack of respect for his girlfriends. You are not his buddy, you are his girlfriend and tell him you want to be treated as such or you'll leave. You said he was never like that before and it started lately. I suspect it's because you've been spending more time together lately so you're seeing his true nature. 1
spiderowl Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 He's being incredibly rude, insulting and insensitive. I'm not sure in what ways he is good to you but he should not be disparaging about your interests or what you talk about. It doesn't sound like he is teasing. Swearing is extremely disrespectful. The fact that a friend commented shows they feel it is beyond the pale. I think if you carry on accepting this kind of treatment it will only get worse. He could be losing interest. He could be getting more selfish and demanding. He could be 'testing the boundaries' to see if you are the kind of woman who will put him in his place or put up with his bad behaviour. What you do now is up to you. If you stand up to him and put him in his place, he could leave because you are no longer pandering to him. But he could find new respect for you and mend his ways. You could put up with it and then live a soul-destroying life with a guy who doesn't respect you. You could leave him on the basis that his behaviour is not acceptable. There are consequences whatever you do, but having a baseline of what is acceptable to you will help you in the future. The happiest relationships I know are where both people have fundamental respect for each other and treat each other with kindness. 2
Author lullabee Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 Just to update I asked him to call me, he panicked and we spoke. I reiterated some of the advice you guys have given me (not mentioning I posted on a forum seeking advice) and he seemed genuinely upset and surprised, almost close to tears, that he'd hurt me. He apologised profusely and I asked if I had done anything or went on too much to make him say the things he had and he was very adamant that I hadn't, that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me or the relationship. He said it was just banter and I said that we can still have banter but there are boundaries that have been crossed. He honestly seemed mortified, texted me after the phone call to say he loves me and is sorry and will give me a ring in the morning. I'm going to stay on my feet about this to see if it will continue because I don't want to feel this low again in the relationship. Thank you everyone for your input 2
Redhead14 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Just to update I asked him to call me, he panicked and we spoke. I reiterated some of the advice you guys have given me (not mentioning I posted on a forum seeking advice) and he seemed genuinely upset and surprised, almost close to tears, that he'd hurt me. He apologised profusely and I asked if I had done anything or went on too much to make him say the things he had and he was very adamant that I hadn't, that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me or the relationship. He said it was just banter and I said that we can still have banter but there are boundaries that have been crossed. He honestly seemed mortified, texted me after the phone call to say he loves me and is sorry and will give me a ring in the morning. I'm going to stay on my feet about this to see if it will continue because I don't want to feel this low again in the relationship. Thank you everyone for your input You did this right. And, you keep enforcing that boundary. It's good he responded the way he did, but you cannot allow it to continue. When/if it happens again, you remind him that this hurts you. You've expressed your need about this and he may need a little bit of time to get this in check because it's been kind of a habit, but if he is sincere, you should see improvement. If not, you move on. Do not tolerate this for too much longer. Make an internal time limit for yourself . . . you want to see significant improvement by xtime with reinforcement when necessary. If you don't you end it. 3
Gaeta Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Well done! and he'll have more respect for you if you respect yourself and not allow this type of language. 2
OatsAndHall Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I'm sarcastic as hell, and what you describe isn't sarcasm, it's called being a dick. This.. I'm brutally sarcastic and cynical and I would never think about telling a significant other to "f- off". 2
Redhead14 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 This.. I'm brutally sarcastic and cynical and I would never think about telling a significant other to "f- off". The only guys who tell an SO to f- off, are the ones who don't really consider the other to be significant . . . until she makes herself a Significant force to be reckoned with
sdel79 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 In the words of my mother, "what you allow is what will continue".
ChatroomHero Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 I am extremely sarcastic and it's a fine line between an inside joke and and being insulting some times. It's weird because if someone says something I will feel really bad and at the same time it's hard to explain that the last thing I was trying to be was insulting, even though I know it can easily be seen as insulting. Hard to explain. Like 10 times you could have an inside joke about something like, "I'm a man and I'll say what goes..." and your partner knows you and knows your are being sarcastic because your actions prove that is not how you really think. You both laugh and feel a bit closer because you can openly be sarcastic and then the 11th time it just suddenly is taken as hurtful. Being sarcastic I think is really trying to say/joke how you feel without getting mushy, by saying the opposite and knowing your partner "gets" that is what you are doing. But it can easily come across wrong. Weird, I know. A woman could say, " I love you" and you joke back, "of course you do" because even though you love her, you're sarcastic and that's how you express it. It's funny and cute for a while, and then it's not. It's hard for someone sarcastic to know when it crosses the line. Just my thoughts, from his response it sounds a bit like me. I look back and think, I thought we were on the same page and you knew what I was saying was expressing how I feel the complete opposite. Yet when I think back I feel really bad because I know you were hurt by it and it gets more difficult because I am afraid to be myself for fear of offending you completely without meaning to. I know, weird, hard to explain.
MarkIVSteel Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Wow. He must really love you then. I was expecting him to rain you down with a torrent of abuse.
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