Brain let me be at peace...

[Aboohoo]

I'll try and be as short as i can here.

 

Breif backstory here - was with my ex for 5 years. Bought a house with him in June. He met a new girl in July. Acting very cold, distant and moody from then. We broke up in October. One week later him and this new girl are an 'official couple' He swears he never cheated but i don't believe him. At best it was just an emotional affair but the thought of that alone is like a dagger to my heart.

 

Anyway it's been about a month since the breakup and i'm still so confused. I have about a million different thoughts within one second...one minute i'm strong and i think i'll be ok and the next i'm so incredibly sad.

 

General thoughts which i'd appreciate feedback on:

 

1) Did i ever matter to him?

2) How can i be so easily replaced? I'm guessing he emotionally checked out months ago....

3) Why buy the house then?

4) He treated me pretty badly at times - emotionally unavailable, terrible communication, never put me first, flirted, bad temper... So why does she get the 'good' him? I loved him so much and it was of the popular opinion that i was 'too good' for him so why can't he see it?

5) Will it last with them? She cheated/left her bf to be with him as well - (i'm 32, he's 28 and she's only 22.) Will it fade now the 'secret' is out? I know she gets on so much better with his bestmates than i did and they all go out together. They never liked me as i was a threat in their eyes - they would go out of their way to cause trouble for me. My ex always took their side.

6) We can't go no contact as we're trying to sell the house but he's now sending me the odd text asking me if i'm ok etc. Is he only doing this to ease his guilt?

 

I'm under no elusion that he wants me back, nor would i ever take him back after all that he has done. I just want to know how he could do this and where the justice is? I loved him so much and treated him so well (sure i'm not perfect but who is) and now i'm the one who is broken hearted and back at my parents living out of boxes and he's the one who was a bit sh*t at times, cheated and now has a new gf and is happier than ever and 'living it up.'

 

Will there ever come a time when the situation is reversed? I never want anything bad to happen to him (like an accident etc) but i wish karma would work it's magic soon.

 

Sorry everyone i just needed to vent today - bad day today as it would have been our anniversary and instead im in my old room alone and he's away with her for the weekend

 

Aboohoo x

[Aboohoo]

Just realised i've made my ex sound terrible. Obviously he had good points, hence why i statyed with him for 5 years and why i'm heartbroken.

 

Also i've now started counselling to help me come to terms with it all x

[Sweetfish]

Just for note...

 

Who broke up with who?

[Aboohoo]

Oh sorry...well after him treating me so badly for the last 2 months i went back home for a week to get some space. We met up back at the house and mutually ended it...i only wanted to end it because he had treated me so badly for the last 2 months (hoped me would fight for me after realising how bad he had been) and i was tired of it. He obviously wanted to end it because he had this other girl waiting. For months he made me question my own mental health over my 'paranoia' of her.

[Dis]

I'll try and be as short as i can here.

 

Breif backstory here - was with my ex for 5 years. Bought a house with him in June. He met a new girl in July. Acting very cold, distant and moody from then. We broke up in October. One week later him and this new girl are an 'official couple' He swears he never cheated but i don't believe him. At best it was just an emotional affair but the thought of that alone is like a dagger to my heart.

 

Anyway it's been about a month since the breakup and i'm still so confused. I have about a million different thoughts within one second...one minute i'm strong and i think i'll be ok and the next i'm so incredibly sad.

 

General thoughts which i'd appreciate feedback on:

 

1) Did i ever matter to him?

2) How can i be so easily replaced? I'm guessing he emotionally checked out months ago....

3) Why buy the house then?

4) He treated me pretty badly at times - emotionally unavailable, terrible communication, never put me first, flirted, bad temper... So why does she get the 'good' him? I loved him so much and it was of the popular opinion that i was 'too good' for him so why can't he see it?

5) Will it last with them? She cheated/left her bf to be with him as well - (i'm 32, he's 28 and she's only 22.) Will it fade now the 'secret' is out? I know she gets on so much better with his bestmates than i did and they all go out together. They never liked me as i was a threat in their eyes - they would go out of their way to cause trouble for me. My ex always took their side.

6) We can't go no contact as we're trying to sell the house but he's now sending me the odd text asking me if i'm ok etc. Is he only doing this to ease his guilt?

 

I'm under no elusion that he wants me back, nor would i ever take him back after all that he has done. I just want to know how he could do this and where the justice is? I loved him so much and treated him so well (sure i'm not perfect but who is) and now i'm the one who is broken hearted and back at my parents living out of boxes and he's the one who was a bit sh*t at times, cheated and now has a new gf and is happier than ever and 'living it up.'

 

Will there ever come a time when the situation is reversed? I never want anything bad to happen to him (like an accident etc) but i wish karma would work it's magic soon.

 

Sorry everyone i just needed to vent today - bad day today as it would have been our anniversary and instead im in my old room alone and he's away with her for the weekend

 

Aboohoo x

 

Hey girl, I'm so sorry for what youre going through. I cant imagine how painful it must be

 

Just want to say....its great that you're not thinking of taking him back!!! You're right...you deserve better! Good for you!!!

 

As for whats going through his head....I can only speculate but...you two started dating when he was 23? Ya....thats pretty young for a guy to get into a long term relationship. He probably felt like he was 'missing out' on other women/experiences so he decided it was time to take off and test the waters elsewhere

 

Emotions are a funny thing....I know you're shocked that he could 'move on' so quickly....its possible he really hasnt and will come back for you (at which point I would hope you would turn him down) or its possible that like you said he checked out awhile ago for whatever reasons...either way it doesnt matter because a the fact that he could just toss you away like that proves he is not the man you thought he was

 

As far as her getting the "good" him...oh girl, give it some time and she'll see the real him sooner or later

 

I also do want to mention as difficult as it is to hear....he might have been physically cheating with her... I would not be surprised by that in the least...pls pls pls dont tell me thats not possible beause unless you were with him 24/7 you have no way of proving that. As a 30 year old woman thats gotten cheated on twice, I can tell you...you rarely see it coming...its always a shock. Pls go get yourself tested for STDs asap

 

And finally karma....karma will do her thing sooner or later...may not happen when you want it to but it always does. But for now, stop waiting for it to happen and focus on your own healing....allow yourself to grieve...allow yourself to cry. Its a process that takes time but it will get better!!

 

But whatever you do...do NOT take him back unless you want a repeat. Stay strong girl and keep posting

[BluesPower]

Disillusionment373 just gave you the perfect reply.

 

She is so correct. Give yourself time to heal and move on with someone better that actually is good enough for you.

[Aboohoo]

Hey girl, I'm so sorry for what youre going through. I cant imagine how painful it must be

 

Just want to say....its great that you're not thinking of taking him back!!! You're right...you deserve better! Good for you!!!

 

As for whats going through his head....I can only speculate but...you two started dating when he was 23? Ya....thats pretty young for a guy to get into a long term relationship. He probably felt like he was 'missing out' on other women/experiences so he decided it was time to take off and test the waters elsewhere

 

Emotions are a funny thing....I know you're shocked that he could 'move on' so quickly....its possible he really hasnt and will come back for you (at which point I would hope you would turn him down) or its possible that like you said he checked out awhile ago for whatever reasons...either way it doesnt matter because a the fact that he could just toss you away like that proves he is not the man you thought he was

 

As far as her getting the "good" him...oh girl, give it some time and she'll see the real him sooner or later

 

I also do want to mention as difficult as it is to hear....he might have been physically cheating with her... I would not be surprised by that in the least...pls pls pls dont tell me thats not possible beause unless you were with him 24/7 you have no way of proving that. As a 30 year old woman thats gotten cheated on twice, I can tell you...you rarely see it coming...its always a shock. Pls go get yourself tested for STDs asap

 

And finally karma....karma will do her thing sooner or later...may not happen when you want it to but it always does. But for now, stop waiting for it to happen and focus on your own healing....allow yourself to grieve...allow yourself to cry. Its a process that takes time but it will get better!!

 

But whatever you do...do NOT take him back unless you want a repeat. Stay strong girl and keep posting

 

 

Wow Disillusionment373 just thank you so much. This has really touched me. That a 'stranger' could be so nice and offer such great words of wisdom and encouragement. Thank you for being so kind xxx

[Aboohoo]

Also yes he was 23 when i started going out with him so i guess you are spot on with your thinking. Classic case of the grass is greener on the other side i think.

[consultmoi]

@AbooHoo. I am sooooo sorry to read what you are going through. I am in a similar situation so please know that you are not alone here.

 

My exGF originally dumped her BF to be with me (we were friends who agreed to 'give it a try' when/if her then relationship ended, she dumped him immediately) however, as soon as the honeymoon period finished only 6 weeks ago she dumped me to be back with him. Unfortunately he had a new GF who he dumped to get back with my ex. It was total chaos and a nightmare.

 

Like you I was left heartbroken as I was fully committed to her, moved in with her, treated both her and her children like my own but as soon as my flaws appeared (we all have them) she decided she wanted to feel special again and be treated like a princess which is what her ex new BF did, made her feel special

 

The cruelty and selfishness and self centeredness, betrayal, lies, manipulation and emotional pain it has caused is unbearable, but it WILL get easier if you minimised as much no contact as possible

 

My exGf has been sending me emails to lyrics and songs and even poems she has written but I ignore these, delete them and never reply as they are only breadcrumbs to keep me on hold. I maintain No contact which helps me to heal and keep strong myself (I'm sure her ex new BF wouldn't be happy if he knew)

 

Please please please DO NOT take him back, people like our ex's are only interested in their own selfish gain with no consideration of others and have the inability to show empathy

 

I too am living out of boxes but I have my new place ready at the end of the month, once you have sold your house never ever allow any communication to occur, go complete no contact so that like me you will have new beginnings and a positive and loving future to look forward to without having toxic people in your life

 

Please remember your best years are still yet to come with someone who will love you and treat you with the respect that you deserve

 

Your pride and ego will repair and your heart will catch up so stay strong and good luck

[Aboohoo]

Thanks consultmoi Sorry to hear you're also going through hell. It's nice to get support from everyone on here though. Thank goodness for the LS.

 

I'm having a bad day today - Sunday's are always the hardest day for me.

[Kelley]

Weekends used to be the worst for me, as we would always do things together. I would walk my dog and just hate any couples walking along holding hands and looking happy! I'm so much better now, as I just take the weekend as it comes and do what I fancy Just remember to let those feelings out write exactly what you are feeling, even if it's 10 times over it really helps!

 

 

Thanks consultmoi Sorry to hear you're also going through hell. It's nice to get support from everyone on here though. Thank goodness for the LS.

 

I'm having a bad day today - Sunday's are always the hardest day for me.

[Dis]

Wow Disillusionment373 just thank you so much. This has really touched me. That a 'stranger' could be so nice and offer such great words of wisdom and encouragement. Thank you for being so kind xxx

 

Of course girl! I'm so glad I could help! I'm also really glad that you have a good head on your shoulders and arent considering taking him back. Although this hurts, you have demonstrated a lot of self respect and dignity which will help carry you through this tough time

 

When I went through my breaks ups certain times of the day, certain days of the week and times of the year were tough for me too. Thats all normal. You're used to sharing your life with someone...and when that person takes off...you have the build a whole new life on your own....its a big adjustment

 

Try to stay busy with work, hobbies, friends and family. Do you have a good support system you can lean on?

 

Of course they're were good things about your ex. You dont seem like the type of woman that would stay if that wasnt the case. He taught you 2 things....what you want in a man and what you dont want in a man. Use that info to find a better guy down the road but pls dont rush into that....I made that mistake over and over and it will bite you in the a$$

 

I know its hard to see this now but when a man (or woman) shows you their true colors its really a gift. Its a painful gift but still a gift none the less. You wouldnt want to spend your life with a man like this and I wouldnt want to spend my life with men like my exs

 

Did you block him on social media and your phone? If not I would 100% recommend you do that right now, as you're reading this. You dont need to hear from him or hear about him. That'll only delay your healing process

 

Tomorrow is a new day, and with each day things will get easier little by little. Be patient and kind to yourself girl Sending love and hugs :bunny:

[Aboohoo]

Disillusionment373 i think i may love you a little bit! LOL In seriousness though thank you so much. You speak so much truth and i am so gratefuly that you have taken time out of your day to try and help me.

 

Today i have woken up and had a moment of clairty. I need to let my ex go... I need to stop holding on to this pain and just let it all go so that is what i have done and oh my oh my it feels so much better already. Don't get me wrong i understand i have a long way to go and i'm sure i will still have my wobbles but i just feel stronger at my core with this realisation. I realised that by keeping on to all this pain and hurt and becoming obsessed with his new gf and their relationship i was only hurting myself (clearly they don't care) and that i was the one that held the power to stop it, so i have. I think that holding onto all this pain as well was my last little attempt to keep some of him in my life still. That the pain = my ex was still with me and that i hadn't lost him completely. Sounds stupid i know but now i have set him free completely.

 

Today is the first day where i also haven't checked her social media (had one little slip up today where i checked her IG once - have to be honest) but compared to the usual 15,000 times a day habit i had recently developed i feel so much better. This is the way forward...what am i going to do when i see something i don't like anyway?! Just cry and get upset - no thanks! Ignorance is bliss from now on. I had deleted and blocked him off all social media anyway but now i have done the same with her and hidden mutual friends that i know he will socialise with so i don't have to see photos in the furture.

 

Obviously i can't go complete NC as we're trying to sort out the house sale. mortgage and other finances but i will not initiate contact and if he does msg me i will only talk about the house etc there will be NO "you ok?" or "hope you're well" or "how you doing?" - his welfare or live is no longer my concern.

 

I feel so much stronger today and a lot of it is down to you all so thank you very much. Obviously this could all change by tomorrow but it's a good place to start my new journey from.

 

Aboohoo xxx

[BluesPower]

Actually i think a lot of people love her...

 

I am in love with her eyes and her wisdom for someone so young.

 

OP, you are making the right decision as much as it hurts.

 

Good luck to you...