Author loveshakd Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 It sounds like you're very close to your family. The fact that you have felt the need to hide your relationship from them could lead to a lot of problems down the road. Not that your only goal in finding a mate is to have family approval, but that is part of it. If there are things now about her that bother you, staying together and getting married someday won't make that all go away. Have you had an honest discussion with her about your fears and where you both think this relationship is heading? She is very reluctant to break it up. She says if I should be standing up for her - which I am trying to but don't want to become overly defensive or aggressive against my parents. I know that if we did get married probably my family and her would try to get along but it would be fake and there would never be a true feeling of acceptance and integration.
Mr. Bond Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 If you love her build your own family business with her. 1
Author loveshakd Posted November 12, 2016 Author Posted November 12, 2016 If you love her build your own family business with her. Id have to put up all the money as she doesnt have any savings and im not sure i want to risk it.
basil67 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 She is very reluctant to break it up. She says if I should be standing up for her - which I am trying to but don't want to become overly defensive or aggressive against my parents. I know that if we did get married probably my family and her would try to get along but it would be fake and there would never be a true feeling of acceptance and integration. If you want a future with her, of course you should be standing up for her!! Though I suspect that a part of you agrees with them about how she's lazy etc and this is why you don't stop them. She's also probably reluctant to break it up because you're partially supporting her. She may well see you differently if you close your wallet and expect her to support herself. Anyway, standing up for her shouldn't involve being defensive or aggressive. It's about being assertive. Something like "I know you have concerns about her and I have taken on board those concerns. However, I need for you to respect that this is my choice. Please be kind about her and to her"
mickeyanne12 Posted November 14, 2016 Posted November 14, 2016 She is very reluctant to break it up. She says if I should be standing up for her - which I am trying to but don't want to become overly defensive or aggressive against my parents. I know that if we did get married probably my family and her would try to get along but it would be fake and there would never be a true feeling of acceptance and integration. That's good you're looking towards the future and are trying to figure this all out before getting more serious. Clarifying to yourself what you want, apart from what anyone else tells you, can be very helpful. Good luck!
lucy_in_disguise Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 What do you want? Do you need a woman who is a financial "equal", or are you happy to be with someone who makes you happy and takes care of you in other ways? I see both sides here. On the one hand, she doesn't have much going on in terms of education or career. It sounds like she did have some jobs in the years you have known her, just not good enough jobs to progress. Depending on where in the world you live- that could be a function of the economy as much as her lack of effort/ capableness. Either way, the underlying reasons don't matter if it's something that's very important to you. On the other hand, you seem very enmeshed with your own family, and I agree that you are not standing up for her or even treating her very well if you've kept her secret for 5 years. And to that point, just because she isn't from the same priveleged background, doesn't mean she's less worthy. You know her best and should know if her current status is a result of not trying, or economic factors, and if it even matters to you.
Got it Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Do you love her? I am not seeing much of that in what you have stated so far. It seems like other's approval is more important than you making your own decisions. I think potentially independence on both of your parts is needed as you two seem to both be stunted in a prolonged adolescence. 1
VeveCakes Posted November 15, 2016 Posted November 15, 2016 Forgot to add, she might get a big surprise when she goes back to Uni or college. In my country you cannot be absent from completing a degree more than 3 years otherwise they make you start over again. This is %100 false. Maybe thats a Quebec thing but not how it works in Ontario. There is no way you should be giving her $1 to start her own business when she can't even land a job. What country are you in? Is there no serving/retail/gas station jobs she can take to make minimum wage? Her work ethic is 0. You will fund her business and then it will flop into nothing. You have totally different outlooks on life and have different drives. You do not seem compatible.
Akane Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 don't know why people are always so focused about women's career now. she may not be rich and does not have a career, but maybe she makes him happy in other ways? is the emotional connection not as important as her career (or lack there of). somehow I feel that OP looks down on his gf due to her lack of financial capabilities. some people try hard to work their way up but their circumstances may be against them. I don't know, I feel kind of disappointed in modern society where your career seem to define you as a person. my mom doesn't have as good an education as my dad, and my dad is the main breadwinner at home. but my mom contributes to the family in many other ways, making sure the house is in order, making sure everyone has lunch and dinner at home etc etc, all these that takes as much effort as contributing to the monthly household income, making sure my dad has no worries at home and able to do his best in his career. they compliment each other in different ways. I think OP has to decide if he is okay with being the main breadwinner in the house and letting his partner takes care of other things in life (and whether she's a good candidate for that). If he's looking for someone who is an equal financially, then I guess she's not the one. P.S. I am in a culture where the girl marry 'up' (financial background) and the guy tends to marry 'down'. 1
Got it Posted November 16, 2016 Posted November 16, 2016 don't know why people are always so focused about women's career now. she may not be rich and does not have a career, but maybe she makes him happy in other ways? is the emotional connection not as important as her career (or lack there of). somehow I feel that OP looks down on his gf due to her lack of financial capabilities. some people try hard to work their way up but their circumstances may be against them. I don't know, I feel kind of disappointed in modern society where your career seem to define you as a person. my mom doesn't have as good an education as my dad, and my dad is the main breadwinner at home. but my mom contributes to the family in many other ways, making sure the house is in order, making sure everyone has lunch and dinner at home etc etc, all these that takes as much effort as contributing to the monthly household income, making sure my dad has no worries at home and able to do his best in his career. they compliment each other in different ways. I think OP has to decide if he is okay with being the main breadwinner in the house and letting his partner takes care of other things in life (and whether she's a good candidate for that). If he's looking for someone who is an equal financially, then I guess she's not the one. P.S. I am in a culture where the girl marry 'up' (financial background) and the guy tends to marry 'down'. Okay but this is obviously not where the OP and his family are standing on it. So while the perimeters are different than how you would choose a mate, neither one is wrong. As a woman, I feel, my ability to support myself and there for others is important to me. What you list above holds zero interest for me and I feel like not utilizing my skills/talents to the best of their ability. Nor fulfill me at all. But some like a more traditional set up. To each their own.
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