loveshakd Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I've been dating this girl for over 5 years now. We are the opposite ends of success/status. She doesnt have a job but has been trying for a long while, her parents are seperated, no savings, lives in a council flat etc. I told my parents about her after a few months of hooking up but they werent too impressed and indirectly said i should break it off. Since then I have continued to secretly date her and go on holidays with her etc. Recently they brought up the topic of her again and said they werent happy I'd been seeing her and being untruthful about it to them and they dont think she's the right person for me because she and her mother who live together in a council flat will be a burden on me emotionally and financially, as well as the fact she has no career or achievements and her parents are seperated. I still live with my parents and am a big part of the family business. I respect my parents opinions a lot as they have been a big part of my career success. Is it wise to choose a partner of a similar status? Some of the things my parents have mentioned about her have really made me reconsider her and after this chat with them I feel I should break it off with her. Does that mean I don't love her? I feel torn between both sides, either way someone will get hurt, I don't want to disappoint my family and I don't want to break my partners heart.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 How old is she? So dating for 5 years and in 5 years she has not found work or get herself back into school to better her situation? Yes I agree with your parents, break up. This is not about status, this is about doing your very best to better your situation in life - she is not doing. It's about working hard and finding a way to make it happen- she is not doing What type of values would this woman teach your children? To do as little as possible, laziness is good, and live off the government if possible? 1
Author loveshakd Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 She's 27. When we first met she was working 2 part time jobs. She had a few internships and one year full time job but since the last 3 years or so has only managed to find ad hoc placements. She's been trying very hard to get a decent job. i trust her but maybe she's not trying as hard as she tells me. She's considered going back into education as she never finished her degree - supposedly because she thought it was more important to work 2 jobs to support her mum and siblings while her parents were seperating. However she doesnt have the money to do this. She's not lazy and has never to my knowledge claimed any benefits. She says she wants to be independant and buy her own things but I dont see her being in a position to do that for a very long time.
aileD Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Your parents just want the best for you and they don't want to see you get taken advantage of. Do you think she is taking advantage of you (maybe subconsciously?) If you know her motives are true and you truly love each other, then spend some time with your parents and her and let them get to know her and how she loves you. They might feel different if they knew her But listen to what your parents are saying and really weigh whether it could be true
Gloria25 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Are you dating this loser in some form of rebellion against your parents? I mean, you still live with them and you work for them...seems like while I agree with their opinions about this gf, they seem to also like to have you under their thumb - as if you're not able/competent/confident to venture out on your own as an independent adult. Is this your first girlfriend? Do you feel like you can't meet anyone else? I mean, I don't see any qualities in your gf as a person - much less a mate. She sounds like a weight that will hold down anyone. Lots of talk and no action from what you posted about her. I mean, five years and no consistency/achievements in employment and/or educational pursuits? If she's not claiming benefits, who's paying the rent/food/clothing/etc? 1
Author loveshakd Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 I think she could be subconsciously taking advantage. For the past few years I've paid for all her holidays and from time to time I help out with various costs such as transport, clothes etc. She feels bad borrowing it and says she wants to pay it all back. Sometimes I feel that I take pity on her, she often tells me her or her mum have no money. After giving her money I sometimes feel frustrated that its always me giving and not her. And this is where my parents arguments come into it. But i know she does want to work hard and get a good job or business, its just that it hasnt happened for so long that it feels like it never will...
Author loveshakd Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 I'm not the type to rebel against my parents. I dont work for them, we all equally own the business together. My primary occupation is high paid profession. They've never said they'd disown me if i continue with her, just that i should really re consider as i could do a lot better. If i chose to be with her no matter what then they said they will accept and try to work around it as best as they can. They said they avoided talking to me about it for so long because they didnt want any confrontation but it was really stressing my mum out (high blood pressure). Ideally my wife would live with me and my parents so its important everyone gets along but already they dont approve of her and she pretty much doesnt want anything to do with them for fear of getting more hurt. She's my first proper relationship. I had a few girlfriends before but they werent serious or long term. I have tried to end it a few times but she's been very persistent to stay together. She's pretty emotional and sensitive. I do feel like I could find someone a lot better - but feel shallow thinking that. She cant help that her parents are seperated (my parents would like me to marry into a family that they can have good relations with - she only has a mother and her siblings have mostly moved out and live their own lives). She is trying to make something of herself so it is harsh to put a limit on how long i'm willing to wait until she 'succeeds'? Her mother ran a beauty salon so some of that money went towards substinence, the rest coming from her other siblings who have full time jobs.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 She's 27. When we first met she was working 2 part time jobs. She had a few internships and one year full time job but since the last 3 years or so has only managed to find ad hoc placements. She's been trying very hard to get a decent job. i trust her but maybe she's not trying as hard as she tells me. She's considered going back into education as she never finished her degree - supposedly because she thought it was more important to work 2 jobs to support her mum and siblings while her parents were seperating. However she doesnt have the money to do this. She's not lazy and has never to my knowledge claimed any benefits. She says she wants to be independant and buy her own things but I dont see her being in a position to do that for a very long time. How is employment in your area? She wants to find a decent job but never finished her degree so she lost 5 years searching for something that doesn't exist. Supporting the mom and siblings sounds like an excuse to me. I don't know anyone that needed their children's money to divorce. Here is the thing, more she sits on her bum and do nothing about her situation less chances she will actually get up and take actions. What she is hoping is to go from under her mom's roof to under your roof, and you'll support her.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 She is trying to make something of herself How is she trying to make something of herself?
Author loveshakd Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 Employment is pretty low in our area. She's done a few placements abroad teaching english but they've either been very low pay or expense only. She's had a few ad hoc jobs in London recently but again maybe only 5 days her or there. Her parents haven't divorced, they just live seperately so are still married officially. We looked into setting up a business together abroad which she was very keen to do but it would be all my investment and recently have decided it wasnt feasible. Now she has gone back to job hunting again.
Author loveshakd Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 How is she trying to make something of herself? Starting a business, furthering her career in teaching english as a foreign language.
Author loveshakd Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 Although she can be quite compulsive, obsessive and whiny she is also a very loving person and kind at heart (wants to do charitable and environmental work) - this is what makes this such a dilemma.
Gloria25 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I'm not the type to rebel against my parents. I dont work for them, we all equally own the business together. My primary occupation is high paid profession. They've never said they'd disown me if i continue with her, just that i should really re consider as i could do a lot better. If i chose to be with her no matter what then they said they will accept and try to work around it as best as they can. They said they avoided talking to me about it for so long because they didnt want any confrontation but it was really stressing my mum out (high blood pressure). Ideally my wife would live with me and my parents so its important everyone gets along but already they dont approve of her and she pretty much doesnt want anything to do with them for fear of getting more hurt. She's my first proper relationship. I had a few girlfriends before but they werent serious or long term. I have tried to end it a few times but she's been very persistent to stay together. She's pretty emotional and sensitive. I do feel like I could find someone a lot better - but feel shallow thinking that. She cant help that her parents are seperated (my parents would like me to marry into a family that they can have good relations with - she only has a mother and her siblings have mostly moved out and live their own lives). She is trying to make something of herself so it is harsh to put a limit on how long i'm willing to wait until she 'succeeds'? Her mother ran a beauty salon so some of that money went towards substinence, the rest coming from her other siblings who have full time jobs. Just curious, why do you live with your parents if you're in a high profession? And, I don't know, in my book, it's not independence if you didn't start a business/job on your own...in other words, your parents paved your path and without them probably wouldn't have a business. Of course she's not gonna wanna let you go. You pay for this/that. Geeesh, I don't get it. I'm an independent woman who has her own stuff - yet am single. And yep, I get passed over for chicks like the OP's gf all the time. I need to step up my "game". I don't get why a guy would turn into a "proper" relationship a girl who obviously has nothing going on for her...no education, no job, no nothing - yet, she's elevated above other girls you were with. Well, wishing you the best. Obviously your parents are all wrong about her and you got it all figured out.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Starting a business, furthering her career in teaching english as a foreign language. How is she starting a company with no money? incorporation alone cost 3K. What bank will support her with no job and no money? With what will she pay her initial inventory? I work in finance and manage several companies. I start them from scratch for my boss and manage them. Most companies will close within 5 years, 25% of them will take off the ground and actually make profit. I do that with all the financing I need, what will she do without financing? 1
Gloria25 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Although she can be quite compulsive, obsessive and whiny she is also a very loving person and kind at heart (wants to do charitable and environmental work) - this is what makes this such a dilemma. How can someone be compulsive, obsessive, etc - yet loving? And again the she "wants" to do this/that. Geesh, she "wants" to do so many things but somehow isn't able to actualize all these "wants":confused:
Author loveshakd Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 Just curious, why do you live with your parents if you're in a high profession? And, I don't know, in my book, it's not independence if you didn't start a business/job on your own...in other words, your parents paved your path and without them probably wouldn't have a business. Of course she's not gonna wanna let you go. You pay for this/that. Geeesh, I don't get it. I'm an independent woman who has her own stuff - yet am single. And yep, I get passed over for chicks like the OP's gf all the time. I need to step up my "game". I don't get why a guy would turn into a "proper" relationship a girl who obviously has nothing going on for her...no education, no job, no nothing - yet, she's elevated above other girls you were with. Well, wishing you the best. Obviously your parents are all wrong about her and you got it all figured out. In my culture its common for sons to stay at home and have an extended family. Particularly as I am the eldest child and only son I have an obligation towards my parents and grandparents (my nan lives with us). With regards to the family business. I've always been a part of it from a young age. My parents funded the training for the profession I have now. I basically bring that salary back into the household and that is combined with the business income too. So its one household with several income streams. Not conventional in western culture but i'm not here to argue which is right/wrong/better/worse.
Author loveshakd Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 How is she starting a company with no money? incorporation alone cost 3K. What bank will support her with no job and no money? With what will she pay her initial inventory? I work in finance and manage several companies. I start them from scratch for my boss and manage them. Most companies will close within 5 years, 25% of them will take off the ground and actually make profit. I do that with all the financing I need, what will she do without financing? The plan was for her to primarily run the business with my investment. Obviously she has no chance of doing it alone.
Author loveshakd Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 How can someone be compulsive, obsessive, etc - yet loving? And again the she "wants" to do this/that. Geesh, she "wants" to do so many things but somehow isn't able to actualize all these "wants":confused: She'll be obsessed with puppies, or photography, or documentaties about saving the environment. I want to say maybe she just has bad luck with making her wants actualize...
Gloria25 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 The plan was for her to primarily run the business with my investment. Obviously she has no chance of doing it alone. Yes, give her your hard earned "investment" (money). Again, I think you made a great choice in a woman. If I were you, I'd marry her cuz you don't want this one to slip away. Give your parents time, eventually they'll warm up to her.
basil67 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 How is she starting a company with no money? incorporation alone cost 3K. What bank will support her with no job and no money? With what will she pay her initial inventory? I work in finance and manage several companies. I start them from scratch for my boss and manage them. Most companies will close within 5 years, 25% of them will take off the ground and actually make profit. I do that with all the financing I need, what will she do without financing? I see where you're going and don't disagree. However, he said that she's starting a business - not a company. So she wouldn't necessarily need incorporation. I set up as a sole trader here in Aust and it cost me very little.
basil67 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 (edited) I would never hold anyone's background against them. Rather, I have great admiration for those who can break the poverty cycle despite the odds being stacked against them. However, your girlfriend isn't really helping herself, is she. She won't be able to get a decent job without finishing her degree, so she's wasting everyone's time if this is where she's focusing. If she's really serious about working, she should go back to uni and finish that degree - and work doing whatever job she can find in the meantime. Yes, it might pay rubbish, but she's got a significantly greater chance of getting a good job if she's demonstrating a willingness to work in any job. If I was in your shoes, I would insist that her having at least a basic job is essential if I was to stay in the relationship. Edited November 11, 2016 by basil67 2
Popsicle Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Just break it off with her. Stop dragging it out.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 She'll be obsessed with puppies, or photography, or documentaties about saving the environment. I want to say maybe she just has bad luck with making her wants actualize... No she doesn't have bad luck she just does not take actions to bring her plans to actualization! And this for 5 years. Now we learn she is obsessive and compulsive. It's starting to smell more and more like emotional immaturity. All of her siblings have moved out of her mom's house, she has no excuse to not go back to school and finish her degree. 3
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Forgot to add, she might get a big surprise when she goes back to Uni or college. In my country you cannot be absent from completing a degree more than 3 years otherwise they make you start over again.
mickeyanne12 Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 It sounds like you're very close to your family. The fact that you have felt the need to hide your relationship from them could lead to a lot of problems down the road. Not that your only goal in finding a mate is to have family approval, but that is part of it. If there are things now about her that bother you, staying together and getting married someday won't make that all go away. Have you had an honest discussion with her about your fears and where you both think this relationship is heading?
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