frus69 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I feel I'm losing my BF and I wonder if it's my imagination or is there actually a good reason to be paranoid. We are 9 months in (don't live together btw).Last two weeks I feel he is kinda off. He said twice that he didn't feel like having sex because he's not feeling great.. Wednesday was my birthday and he said "You look so nice and I want to make you happy (sexually) but I'm just so tired". Oh and Donald Trump probably contributed to his exhaustion? I asked is it me because you used to be all over me. He said he cant be like that forever? Maybe honeymoon phase is over. But he assured it's just life being hectic. He has a final exam in 3 days, his house lease is up and he's bit stressed out. Today is Friday he would usually come over but he just canceled and said he's not feeling the greatest, and doesn't want to ruin the mood so will meet me Saturday instead. I mean all these sounds legit? But why do I feel he's actually losing interest? He needs two housemates for his lease and so far only girls applied and I'm so paranoid he will grow attraction to other girls if he lives with them. I can almost see it coming! Umm am I crazy?
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 It's you. In April you had a thread about if he's losing interest. In July you had a thread about not wanting sex is he losing interest. In November (now) a thread about no sex and is he losing interest. Sounds like a recurring insecurity of yours. He is stressed, he has a test in 3 days, let him be. He needs room-mates, let him be. He may have female room-mates, let him be. Your worrying will not change anything. If he cheats, he cheats, if he loses interest than he'll lose interest. Do you really think worrying yourself to death will change anything? no. So breath in, let the stress go and let him be. He will bounce back. 5
basil67 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 It's you. Learn to accept that people get busy or tired and it's completely normal. Regarding your concerns about the potential for a female flatmate, do you not trust him? 3
Author frus69 Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 It's you. Learn to accept that people get busy or tired and it's completely normal. Regarding your concerns about the potential for a female flatmate, do you not trust him? Trust that he won't cheat or trust that he won't change his feelings? First one yes I trust he won't cheat. Second no i don't have 100% faith he won't change his feelings. People change their feelings all the time
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Trust that he won't cheat or trust that he won't change his feelings? First one yes I trust he won't cheat. Second no i don't have 100% faith he won't change his feelings. People change their feelings all the time Yes people change their feelings all the time, after 1 year dating and after 20 years marriage and there is nothing you can do about it, right?
olivetree Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I think it's too difficult to say if it's MORE you or MORE him that is fueling your insecurity if your worries only pertain to the same relationship. Do you worry in every relationship? If so, do you date similar men? It is usually the dynamic of the relationship. We can have secure attachments with one partner but not with another. Some people are better for us than others (ie. they give you what you need). Does your bf give you what you need?
Author frus69 Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 Yes people change their feelings all the time, after 1 year dating and after 20 years marriage and there is nothing you can do about it, right? True. Sometimes I think I'm overthinking small things and imagining problems that aren't there and I should stop. But next minute I think they are not imaginaries, I am having gut feelings for a reason and I should listen to myself...and the sex thing totally means a loss in interest..ah, I really don't know now. I think it's too difficult to say if it's MORE you or MORE him that is fueling your insecurity if your worries only pertain to the same relationship. Do you worry in every relationship? If so, do you date similar men? It is usually the dynamic of the relationship. We can have secure attachments with one partner but not with another. Some people are better for us than others (ie. they give you what you need). Does your bf give you what you need? I don't think I used to be this bad. Then my ex dumped me saying he lost interest. Maybe this is on me. But I also have never been with guys who say too tired to meet me or have sex (note we don't see each other every day)so that's on him.
BaileyB Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 See, and I would say that the fact that he is too busy and stressed for sex occasionally would be a very normal thing. I wouldn't worry too much unless it really becomes a pattern. But, the fact that your ex dumped you and said he lost interest would naturally contribute to your insecurity. So, when he tells you he's too tired for sex, you start to panic and make it much more than it may in fact be... Be cautious about that, because you will assess his behavior through that specific filter - which could really distort the reality of the relationship. 2
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 You have another thread about him declining sex. It's not something completely new with him. Men aren't sex machine they may lose interest in sex during high stress periods. How old is he? 4
Author frus69 Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 You have another thread about him declining sex. It's not something completely new with him. Men aren't sex machine they may lose interest in sex during high stress periods. How old is he? well 26. Last time he told me later on it was because he felt sick (he has chronic stomach problem) so I suppose I was overreacting. This time he's not feeling it, probably life stress. I don't know. But all the damn articles I found on Google about "reasons guys turn down sex" are not good, at all.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 This time he's not feeling it, probably life stress. I don't know. But all the damn articles I found on Google about "reasons guys turn down sex" are not good, at all. I did a quick google search and found nothing bad: 1. Depression 2. Testosterone low 3. Physical problem 4. Stress 5. Exhausted 6. You are moving too fast. Nowhere I read lost of interest. 1
BaileyB Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Does he show you in other ways that he is interested/committed to your relationship? Is there any other reason why you are questioning the security of the relationship?
Author frus69 Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 I did a quick google search and found nothing bad: 1. Depression 2. Testosterone low 3. Physical problem 4. Stress 5. Exhausted 6. You are moving too fast. Nowhere I read lost of interest. well it's not 1,2,3 and 6. And I don't believe when he said 4 and 5..so I worry it's lose of interest. I know it sounds ridiculous...
selinaluv Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 well it's not 1,2,3 and 6. And I don't believe when he said 4 and 5..so I worry it's lose of interest. I know it sounds ridiculous... My ex husband left me after 15 years together and we still had sex pretty much until the very end. That is not what tipped me off to something being wrong. Lack of sex is not necessarily an indicator of losing interest.
Author frus69 Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 Does he show you in other ways that he is interested/committed to your relationship? Is there any other reason why you are questioning the security of the relationship? well, we haven't talked about future plans, haven't exchanged ILYs, haven't discussed moving in together.Do they count? I'm not expecting them just after 9 months though. Other than that, he's pretty consistent. He's studying and working, if I need to mention that. He is changing careers.
Leigh 87 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Trust that he won't cheat or trust that he won't change his feelings? First one yes I trust he won't cheat. Second no i don't have 100% faith he won't change his feelings. People change their feelings all the time No. My boyfriend and my friends boyfriend fell head over heels for us. Men fall in love differently to us women;men either fall hard or fast, or they never do. I can tell you now that despite any issues, I have NEVER doubted my partners feelings. I have never NOT trusted his ability to remain emotionally faithful and remain on love. When you meet the love of you life, oftentimes you really feel secure in their feelings for you. Men who were truly into me, I never worried about the, catching feelings for other women. I know what it feels like to be insecure. But I learnt to trust my instinct, ultimately. Since then, I have yet to be wrong. I can sense the men who are too enamoured and smitten with me to fall for other women. This really isn't healthy of you to doubt his capacity to love you. 1
basil67 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 well it's not 1,2,3 and 6. And I don't believe when he said 4 and 5..so I worry it's lose of interest. I know it sounds ridiculous... You don't believe that he's stressed and exhausted? What is he doing to make you not believe this? Is he going out partying all the time.... I really hope you're not letting him into your thought patterns and insecurity. Too much of this will drive him away.
ExpatInItaly Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 You don't believe that he's stressed and exhausted? What is he doing to make you not believe this? Is he going out partying all the time.... I really hope you're not letting him into your thought patterns and insecurity. Too much of this will drive him away. This? OP, you contradict yourself. You say you don't believe he's stress or over-tired, but in the same breath you tell us he is studying, working, changing jobs, and searching for new housemates. You say it's not a physical problem, then tell us he has chronic stomach pain. (You realize general physical physical issues can contribute to a lower libido, no? It doesn't need to be only a problem with a reproductive organ) In other words, give the guy a break! You seem to be instead looking for "proof" that confirms your insecurity that he's losing interest. Why don't you feel good about yourself?
OatsAndHall Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Honestly, I feel like it's your insecurities that are causing you to question the relationship. I dated a woman for about four months and we started out having wonderful sex. However, certain situations in life came up, I became stressed and just had no interest in sex at times. I was still affectionate towards her physically (cuddling on the couch, holding hands, kisses, etc) but she became very concerned and pushy about having sex. I explained to her that I was tired, stressed out, exhausted and really just wanted to enjoy her company to unwind. She didn't listen to me, she continued to push it and our relationship ended because of it. I grew continually frustrated by her forcing the issue, had sex with her once or twice to appease her, even though I didn't want to. This drove me further away from wanting to be intimate. She ended up calling the whole thing off over it which was sad as we had grown close and had a solid basis for a relationship.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 well, we haven't talked about future plans, haven't exchanged ILYs, haven't discussed moving in together.Do they count? I'm not expecting them just after 9 months though. Other than that, he's pretty consistent. He's studying and working, if I need to mention that. He is changing careers. I think this is the source of your insecurities. I personally would expect an ILY way before 9 months at around 5-6 months. I would expect our relationship to escalate to more time together, more involvement of family and friends, I would expect a discussion if we see each other in a future together.
Author frus69 Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 I think this is the source of your insecurities. I personally would expect an ILY way before 9 months at around 5-6 months. I would expect our relationship to escalate to more time together, more involvement of family and friends, I would expect a discussion if we see each other in a future together. We do have family and friends involved ( I have dinner with his parents often and attend all his friends party with him)but just not the ILY and planing a wedding. Sure Id like that and it probably can give me a bit more assurance but I'm not pushing that because I know his parents divorce when he was a teenager damaged him very badly(gave him depression). He's a lot better now and in the process of getting off medication. But he probably doesn't know what love is, how marriage should be, how to be with someone forever. I don't expect him to think about a future plan with me now. I am giving him bit more time. I chose a hard one, I know. Even last night I had a panic attack thinking two women might be moving in with him as his new housemates. I will try harder to adjust my way of thinking and stop all the paranoia
VeveCakes Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 What medication is he on? Anti depressants are known to kill sex drive.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 But he probably doesn't know what love is, how marriage should be, how to be with someone forever. I don't expect him to think about a future plan with me now. I am giving him bit more time. I chose a hard one, I know. Even last night I had a panic attack thinking two women might be moving in with him as his new housemates. I will try harder to adjust my way of thinking and stop all the paranoia So you think he doesn't know what love is and how to be in a relationship, this gives you anxiety attack. Why is the world you 2 in a relationship together? and don't tell me because you love him! geez! When you suffer from anxiety you don't go date a man that is completely clueless about love and relationships. You find yourself a nice man that want to be with you, that want to commit, that want to make you the one and only lady. You don't go pick a man that has serious unsolved issues.
Author frus69 Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 I think you are bit harsh. So I shouldnt be with him, then who should? Or does He just not deserve to be loved because his "damaged"? Lots of people don't know what love is, maybe I don't either. I'm also learning and growing so is he. It doesn't mean he can't heal. Who says he's completely clueless? Who says he doesn't want to be with me? Who says I'm not his one and only lady? I am with him because he treats me right, respect me, does what he should do to make me happy and never breaks boundaries. Sure he could do more, but there's always more more and more. I'm not writing him off because he is not perfect. In the future when he actually does something wrong or turns out we have too different life goals I won't hesitate to make a decision. Right now I think I should focus on my problems first
Author frus69 Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 What medication is he on? Anti depressants are known to kill sex drive. He is on the lowest dose and it doesn't kill his sex drive. He doesn't think so anyway
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