joyful Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 long story short: heard from an ex from a few years ago. the breakup was due to distance and his depression. he stopped feeling confident that he could find a job in my city and broke up with me to focus on building a life where he was and to free me to the same. lo and behold, he has found a great job in a new city very close to mine and wrote to tell me that he still thinks of me, is sorry for everything that has happened, and that he has found a job in a city near me. what would you think if you received a note that said all of this after such a long time? how would you respond? we haven't spoken for two years. i loved him very much. 2
BaileyB Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 As I know very well, sometimes timing is everything. If you are interested, you could definitely see him again. Just try to manage your expectations so that you don't get too excited, because it may not work. And be cautious with the depression. You should only open this door if he is happy, healthy, and ready to have a healthy relationship with you. Good luck. 5
Buddhist Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Go have coffee, see what he's got on his mind. Decide if you want what he wants. Can't hurt can it? Normally I'm not in favour of reconciliation, but since time has passed and he seems to be genuinely contrite maybe it is worth meeting up. Who knows he might only want to reconnect as a friend anyway. 2
Satu Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 It would at the very least, be worth a couple of conversations. Open mind, open heart. Take care. 2
Author joyful Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 thanks for the great advice. i guess i am just wondering if i should automatically assume he is interested in rekindling because he has reached out after so long. he did sign the email "love." but i don't think i have ever heard back from an ex after so much time. does that mean there is still romantic interest? i am over him and have been for a long time now. but i did move from shock to excitement pretty quickly after reading his email.
BaileyB Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 (edited) The only way you will know is by talking with him. You just need to decide if you are ok being his friend - if that's what he wants. This just recently happened to me. We went for coffee, he asked me out. We went out three times as "friends" until we decided, neither one of us wanted to be friends. He had some stuff in his life he needed to deal with when we first dated. He did that, and it has been so much different and so much better since we've reconnected. It's different than the dysfunctional couple who fight and eventually break up with all kinds of baggage. Sometimes the timing is just not quite right. Hopefully things are different for him now and he's in a better place. It's nice that he wants to reconnect. But, you won't know exactly what he wants until you talk with him. Just don't get your hopes up - be open to hearing what he says and know what you want/what you are willing to accept. Good luck! Edited November 11, 2016 by BaileyB 2
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Depends... How long did you date? If this was a long term relationship I would have a hard time being abandoned like this instead of finding a solution together. For all you know he may date you again, and abandon you again. 1
BaileyB Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 For all you know he may date you again, and abandon you again. That's the risk. Which is why you need to find out if he's dealt with his depression and learned some better coping skills. You won't know this unless you talk with him to see what he says. But, it is definitely a risk if you date him again. 2
Author joyful Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 Depends... How long did you date? If this was a long term relationship I would have a hard time being abandoned like this instead of finding a solution together. For all you know he may date you again, and abandon you again. we were together for two years and now broken up for two years. i do think that his depression was the main culprit and his giving up hope on finding a job in my city. i agree with you though, Gaeta. the breakup was devastating and took me quite a while to move on. though i have read it over about 20 times already, i haven't answered his email yet. i just want to be sure i can deal with whatever happens.
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 WOW 2 years!! I would think about that one long and hard before answering. I know working is vital for a man self-esteem so being depressed from not working I get that. This could be a once in a life time situation or he could have a habit of bailing when the going gets tough. Ironic he left you to find a job far away and he ended up finding one next to your city. If it was a mutual break up I may give it a chance. If he is the one that terminated the relationship when you were ready to follow him or wait for him, that's not a man I'd rekindle a relationship with.
BaileyB Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Two years is a long time. Gaeta has a good point. You will want to be cautious. If you see him again and/or decide to date again, it would really depend on where he is at right now and whether you want to take the risk again. If he does want to date again, you can certainly be honest and tell him that you are reluctant because you really don't want to be left again when the going gets hard. It may be worth meeting to see what he has to say, but you need to know that you are able to deal with whatever happens. 2
Versacehottie Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I actually don't agree that a two year break is a big problem. actually, the contrary. He wasn't up to being in a couple because of job issues and his depression. It makes the most sense that a person doesn't fix those things overnight or in a matter of weeks or months. For a real turnaround and thus a real chance with you OP, two years sounds like things actually might be different for him for real and in a better place for real. It definitely makes it seem like he wanted real changes and to be able to show them before he tried again with you. AND he's been thinking of you all along. Not a few weeks out and lonely. It seems more sincere to me, most likely. Anyway, you will know if you see him and see what he has to say. Good luck 1
Author joyful Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 the relationship was serious, and i was willing to move or to wait for him. he gave up on the idea of finding a job and closing the distance. it was heartbreaking. i am very happy that he has found a job close to my city and that he has shared that with me, no matter what becomes of it for us. it just really goes to show that the universe takes care of everything in time. i will give myself a few days before responding and seeing what comes next. (my eyes nearly fell out of my head when i saw his name in my inbox!)
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I actually don't agree that a two year break is a big problem. actually, the contrary. He wasn't up to being in a couple because of job issues and his depression. It makes the most sense that a person doesn't fix those things overnight or in a matter of weeks or months. For a real turnaround and thus a real chance with you OP, two years sounds like things actually might be different for him for real and in a better place for real. It definitely makes it seem like he wanted real changes and to be able to show them before he tried again with you. AND he's been thinking of you all along. Not a few weeks out and lonely. It seems more sincere to me, most likely. Anyway, you will know if you see him and see what he has to say. Good luck Yes but..... Next crisis they might be married or even parents together and he'll bail to rebuild himself? OP: Did it take him 2 years to find that job not far? If he had come back after 6 months I'd understand he never stopped thinking about you but 2 years? I think he is lonely or just broke up with someone and that's why he is coming back at the surface.
Author joyful Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 (edited) OP: Did it take him 2 years to find that job not far? If he had come back after 6 months I'd understand he never stopped thinking about you but 2 years? I think he is lonely or just broke up with someone and that's why he is coming back at the surface. he broke up when he decided to stop looking for a job in or close to my city. we were on opposite ends of the country, and he had looked for about a year before giving up. i don't know when he started looking again and found this current position, but i don't think he took this job specifically to be close to me. his depression had a lot to do with the breakup too. i know that some people think depression is an excuse, but when you see someone have trouble getting out of bed, feeding themselves, staying in contact with family and friends, working, you see up close how exhausted every single thing makes them. he cut his losses, and we lost contact. i don't really think this is about his being lonely. he will be moving to a nearby city in December and reached out to let me know and to begin building contact again, i think. i hope he wouldn't be so cruel to try to use me after all this time. Edited November 11, 2016 by joyful
Versacehottie Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Yes but..... Next crisis they might be married or even parents together and he'll bail to rebuild himself? OP: Did it take him 2 years to find that job not far? If he had come back after 6 months I'd understand he never stopped thinking about you but 2 years? I think he is lonely or just broke up with someone and that's why he is coming back at the surface. well yes and no. It's plausible that is not his pattern of bailing. Seems like he did serious work on himself. He sounds sincere about when & why he came back into OP's life. And yeah I agree about the depression though. That would be my biggest concern. People who've been depressed before are most likely to have it again. If OP is with him, if and when that was to happen, it will be a challenge and perhaps not a survivable one. The rest of what is going on wouldn't bother me though, pending what he says, which i suspect will be sincere. Also we don't know the exact circumstance regarding him "bailing". You are imagining it's all around coping to rebuild (which may be a pattern); I'm imagining more of finding himself first in order to move forward in life. Both are valid positions. 1
spiderowl Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I think it all depends what the real reason for the break-up was. If he was depressed and moved away because of that and broke up with you, then no. If he moved away to try to improve things and it was a mutual break-up because of distance, that is another matter. My concern is that a guy who breaks up with his girlfriend because of personal difficulties may well do this again when he hits problems in life. I would definitely want to talk to him about why he thought it appropriate to do things that way. In fact, I don't think I would give him a second chance for fear that he would opt out again when the next difficult patch came along. 1
spiderowl Posted November 12, 2016 Posted November 12, 2016 Just to add that depression can recur but not everyone who is depressed would break up a relationship. It is quite likely a depressed person might feel they do not have much to offer, but breaking up a relationship is not only self-defeating, it shows a lack of insight into how they are making the other person feel. It is the latter than would concern me, not the depression.
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