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Are people with experience getting emotionally hurt?

victoria88

By victoria88
in General Relationship Discussion

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victoria88 Member

victoria88

Posted
Posted (edited)

My idea here is to ask you to share a little bit about your emotional growth during the years (when you have gained some experience).

 

From the 1st relationship ever (1st boyfriend/girlfriend) to the last relationship you have had. Did you learn how not to get hurt after break-ups and/or rejection?

 

I guess it would be very useful if you share some advice: What have you learnt from your experience which people without experience may not know about love (& relationships)?

 

________________________________________________________

I can share the following (from my observations on other people's relationships):

I have noticed that the more experience women/men are the less they get hurt (and care) after they end a relationship.

They are pretty stable emotionally and they handle the situation much better than someone without experience.

 

Any advice would be welcome!

Edited by victoria88
Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

Posted
Posted

It's not that you hurt less after a break-up and after more experiences it is that you fear less the unknown and understand that you will be just fine on your own once that pain subsides.

 

When I was younger I used to fear what would become of me if "we broke up" once you've had a chance to prove to yourself that you will land on your feet and build yourself back up again no matter what, then that component is no longer a mystery or a fear point.

 

The pain of loss is the same every time I've had to depart from someone I loved.

  • Like 5
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted
My idea here is to ask you to share a little bit about your emotional growth during the years (when you have gained some experience).

 

From the 1st relationship ever (1st boyfriend/girlfriend) to the last relationship you have had. Did you learn how not to get hurt after break-ups and/or rejection?

 

I guess it would be very useful if you share some advice: What have you learnt from your experience which people without experience may not know about love (& relationships)?

 

________________________________________________________

I can share the following (from my observations on other people's relationships):

I have noticed that the more experience women/men are the less they get hurt (and care) after they end a relationship.

They are pretty stable emotionally and they handle the situation much better than someone without experience.

 

Any advice would be welcome!

 

When I was dating, I learned to take "early" rejections with a grain of salt. It's just part of the dating process of evaluating potential partners.

 

I had a couple of break ups from longer term dating partners and, sure, they hurt but to tell you the truth, I always have had a rich, fulfilling life outside of my relationships to fall back on and distract me from it all, so it wasn't too long before I was up and running again.

 

I was married for 30 years and we divorced amicably and with respect for each other and so, while it was difficult, I did take some time to be single and get myself well established on my own before I dated again.

 

A few years later I was engaged to a wonderful man who passed away 3 months before the wedding date. That really hurts and made everything else feel like a bee sting compared to that. Again, I took over a year to be single again and focused on my needs and then I dated again.

 

I am current with my SO for over 2 years. I don't know for sure what the future brings, but I am enjoying the here and now while it is here and I am still running a rich and fulfilling life of my own parallel to our relationship.

 

It's very important after each break up to step back from dating and get centered and focused each time before you date again. Find things you have a passion for -- hobbies, activities, etc., nice circle of friends, stay connected to the world and never "lose yourself" in a relationship/another person.

  • Like 4
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

When I was a young woman a break up was like the end of the world. Now that I am older and have handled a few break ups I know even though I hurt that I will be alright and I'll be happy again and find someone else.

 

I also remember how I sweat all the small stuff when I was younger. It came from inexperience and not understanding men and relationships. Now that I am older it's very liberating to not worry all the time and to just let everything to life.

  • Like 2
Sunkissedpatio Established Member

Sunkissedpatio

Posted
Posted

A few years later I was engaged to a wonderful man who passed away 3 months before the wedding date. That really hurts and made everything else feel like a bee sting compared to that. Again, I took over a year to be single again and focused on my needs and then I dated again.

 

 

 

Wow this made me get teary-eyed I am so sorry to read this. Possibly the saddest thing I have read on here. What a horrible thing to have to go through Redhead. :(

  • Like 1
startingagain15 Established Member

startingagain15

Posted
Posted

When I was young, a break up in my mind meant I would be alone forever and it was the end of the world. No one would ever love me again, drama to the nth degree.

 

Now being a lot older, I am healthy enough to know that I will be fine on my own. A good relationship is where I'm happiest. If it blows up and ends, I will be hurt and sad for a while. But life goes on, there's other people out there, and I am strong.

 

Going through the prolonged illness and death of my husband when I was in my mid 30's totally changed me. I am amazingly stronger and perfectly capable of taking care of me, without relying on a man. (Although they are very nice to have around!)

  • Like 2
Eternal Sunshine Established Member

Eternal Sunshine

Posted
Posted

I used to get terribly hurt by not only relationships ending but also early dating rejections. I would stay in bed and cry and feel like life has lost all meaning. I used to be ruled by fear of getting hurt.

 

Now, I find that my identity and happiness doesn't really come from being in a relationship. I am doing work that I love and I always have that. I also know that every time I was hurt, I ended up not only being fine but actually better off without that guy in the picture. Early dating rejections don't phase me at all anymore, I barely feel a sting for a few hours max. Relationships ending feel worse but again, my pain is relatively short lived. I am usually fine within few days rather than months or years. Even at the worst moments, I have this deep knowledge that I will be just fine and will eventually meet someone else.

  • Like 1
Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

It used to be difficult for me to stick to no contact and cause myself further hurt - in the initial stages, I always get over a guy eventually, I don't hold grudges, hopes, etc - but now I know that after 5 weeks it ALWAYS gets much better. I'm sure it's psychological or something to do with oxytocin but 5 weeks seem to be the magic NC period for me.

  • Like 1
spiderowl Established Member

spiderowl

Posted
Posted

I think you learn that break-ups can happen and that they hurt a lot but that you can't prevent hurt. You can tell yourself there are plenty of fish in the sea but really a break-up hurts just as much as if you were 16.

  • Like 1
Buddhist Established Member

Buddhist

Posted
Posted (edited)

Everyone gets hurt in every relationship that ends. It presumably wouldn't be ending otherwise. You can't prevent yourself from getting hurt. What you can do though is learn to process it more effectively and move on from it faster and with less impact.

 

I did that by realising a few things...

 

- Every partner will eventually disappoint you in some major way. Decide how you are going to deal with it now, so you don't get wrapped up in the emotions at the time.

- Know what your dealbreakers are and stick to them. This saves you from trying to stay in relationships which are just losing propositions.

- Being emotionally hurt is just a fact of life and a consequence of dealing with other people. The only way to stop yourself from getting hurt is to go live on a mountain by yourself.

- Commit to your own emotional development and maturity now. The more emotionally mature you are the less the events of life pull you around and dominate your thinking.

- Invest in your own personal life, invest in the things that interest you, your own education, your own wealth, relationships outside of romance. Ensure you have a full and robust life on your own so when you find yourself on your own it isn't devastating. Have a life plan outside of relationships. Know what you want in a career, how you are going to get it, where you want to live, travel to etc. Learn how to function as a solo person, many people never do this and the trauma for them is so much worse. Become independant.

- Take into account the fact that you probably won't live every dream, hit every note and get everything you want in life. When you accept this you aren't devastated when important life events don't happen for you, or don't happen on the timeline you thought they would.

Edited by Buddhist
  • Like 2
OatsAndHall Established Member

OatsAndHall

Posted
Posted

I had a good relationship with a woman once that ended because she was growing attached and was terrified of being hurt. . She struggled and struggled because the relationship was becoming serious and decided that she wasn't ready for that kind of commitment at that point in her life. Now, we hadn't talked about moving in together or taking any steps beyond a dating relationship so there was no pressure on that end.

 

I respect her decision and understand why she did what she did. She stated that she didn't think we would grow as close as we did and wanted to have a more casual relationship and that she couldn't have that with me at that point in her life. I hope that she finds happiness and comfort in a slower relationship and grows to the point where she can commit herself emotionally to someone. But, there is a part of me that always wonders where that relationship could have gone if she weren't so terrified of being hurt.

Cheryl11111111111111 Established Member

Cheryl11111111111111

Posted
Posted

Sunkissed patio is actually very smart. Your advice is so true. My input on this, is it really depends. Emotional pain takes time to work through. It takes a period of no further pain to deal with it but many people have so much after so much after so much and they become numb. This is so true! it's not a matter of growth. You have to really push forward and work through all circumstances and be in a position where the dust settles to say to yourself I get it.

Cheryl11111111111111 Established Member

Cheryl11111111111111

Posted
Posted

It took me a long time to see light. To see light through a dark and awful tunnel and the pain I felt was so strong, I was paralyzed. My emotional pain was so heavy and there was no sign of relief as I fought it and tried to move forward. I used the tools I had and tried to find a career. Not just a job but something permanent and something where hard work over time would pay off. I was loosing this guy who was hanging himself over me on a daily basis and I knew someone was there and would get to be with him. I don't know what I said but it drew to much attention to me. I was called awful names such as selfish and narcissistic. Then I have learned through my own mistakes to stable yourself at the bottom and then climb. Don't jump two to five steps or you'll fall and I fell so many times before I see this. I don't want to be in housing, I'll be considered that and etc but I want school and to drive .. So you end up pushing everyone aside and focusing until steps become more clear and things make more sense. I know one day I'll be in affordable housing with a basement and my dog and son can run without worrying about someone underneath you. I'll make groceries, bills and everything and watch myself and my son thrive. I'll get an education and continue to move up and up until I own my own house. When you can't make bills your to worried about making bills rather then owning your own house. As things clear you move forward and up and you end up failing forward naturally because you take each day as it comes and make the most out of it and improve your life in all area's. I know one day after achieving what I will achieve, i'll be sitting in a court house and on the tv will be news on the reality behind a women's posts and that day will come and I'll be free and happy! oh and I will have learned.

Cheryl11111111111111 Established Member

Cheryl11111111111111

Posted
Posted

then the reality that your guru's were unwanted and unwelcome will set in.

preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

You always get hurt, but one thing I've learned is try not to take it that it's your deficit. A man or woman may not be or stay intersted for very shallow reasons even such as only likes blondes or maybe you remind them of their Aunt Ethyl and it's just a fluke they can't find you attractive that way.

 

But the most important thing is it takes different people different amount of times to rebound and I learned it's important to keep that time when you have your life on hold while in mourning to a minimum and MAKE yourself get back in the saddle and get back to socializing and MAKE yourself be active and stay busy because that will decrease the amount of time you are miserable and the more you do, the less you will think about it.

 

So make yourself get back in the saddle even if you don't want to ride. It takes new memories to push out old sad ones.

thecrucible Established Member

thecrucible

Posted
Posted (edited)

The main lessons I've learned are:

 

* Bad experiences don't have to become my narrative - I think I did wallow in the past too much and it's natural to feel pain. I'd say that I don't dwell on it as much as I would before. It affects my confidence in certain ways but it's not on the surface. I haven't defined myself based on those who have hurt me.

 

* If he doesn't like me, it has no bearing on my worth whatsoever - It took me a while to get that. I now know that I am who I am and I stay authentic. I don't tell myself it's because I'm not attractive because 'Hey he noticed me so I was obviously attractive enough in the first place'.

 

* Sometimes it's better to just walk away - I'm quite mild mannered so it would take me a lot to shout down a guy who's being a turd but I know how to walk away. Walking away empowers me. I know he will get over it (I'm talking about guys who don't value me, not good guys it's not working out with).

 

* If he doesn't feel the spark, well neither do I really - I've been on the other side, liked a guy but the 'love' feeling wasn't there for an inexplicable reason. If the guy says he doesn't feel the 'spark' I no longer look at him as cynically because I sort of know what he means. Even if I think I've felt the spark, I figure it was never really there and we just had a platonic connection or merely physical one.

 

* So what if I'm sensitive? - A bit of cliché but the more adult I've become, the more unapologetic I am about who I am. And it isn't self-indulgent because I'm quite emotionally sensitive and I spend quite some time getting upset about letting people down or fretting about getting things wrong. But I've met a lot of self-absorbed people who would probably hurt people without noticing or caring. I cut myself some more slack now. I am human.

 

* You just have to put yourself out there sometimes - That's not the easiest thing as a naturally quiet person but I've got over a lot of my shyness over the years. I know that like it or not, first impressions count.

 

* I've really hurt people and I've learned from it - The more time after a certain relationship ended, the more the pain really sets in. I cheated on there bf once and ever since we broke up, the pain has been there. I think I think about him almost every day. He's probably not thinking about me. I suspect he would have broken up with me anyway but that doesn't rationalise it away. When you do something you never thought you would ever do and have always been thoroughly against, it really changes how you perceive yourself and shatters any innate sense of you being a good person.

 

* You give as much as you get - I think I've learned to identify better the situations where the guy isn't so into it. I'll give as much as he's giving. By the same token, if it's the real deal, I pay a lot more attention to the relationship in itself and not so much what I need from it if you know what I mean. I try and make relationships about enjoying life and having fun.

 

* Guys like being told off - I mean I've met so many guys that have a thing about being told off, it's like they deliberately act crappy because they like you to get annoyed with them. I don't get it but I've met plenty of them. Begrudgingly some men I've met want you to be the driver of the relationship and its status and I wish it was more balance than that.

 

* They don't change - Seriously, if a man as soon as lifts a finger towards you, get out before it gets worse!

 

* Break-ups still hurt BUT when you just have to get on with things, it's a better way to deal with it. I've got stuff to do and I try and keep busy and stay dignified until the worst of it is passed me. It doesn't have to be the end of the world anymore.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
My idea here is to ask you to share a little bit about your emotional growth during the years (when you have gained some experience).

 

From the 1st relationship ever (1st boyfriend/girlfriend) to the last relationship you have had. Did you learn how not to get hurt after break-ups and/or rejection?

 

I guess it would be very useful if you share some advice: What have you learnt from your experience which people without experience may not know about love (& relationships)?

 

________________________________________________________

I can share the following (from my observations on other people's relationships):

I have noticed that the more experience women/men are the less they get hurt (and care) after they end a relationship.

They are pretty stable emotionally and they handle the situation much better than someone without experience.

 

Any advice would be welcome!

 

I'm sure some people can just get jaded or cynical, but this isn't like fishing or some other hobby, where experience makes you "better" at it...

 

Bottom line....

 

People who develop connections and have strong feelings of guilt and compassion, will probably feel the same, whether they have had one relationship or a hundred and one..

 

Others that can more easily disconnect, and don't have the strong feelings as I mentioned have it easier....

 

Its like this...

 

Ive known people that would put a good dog down for crapping on the rug one time....Others will hold on to their animals,even if they were homeless and penniless...

 

Or there are some people that would disown their own mother over one argument...

 

Its just how people can process things...I dont really think experience here helps anyone...

 

.02

 

TFY

Popsicle Established Member

Popsicle

Posted
Posted

I had an idealized version in my head of relationships before I had experience and never ever considered what could go wrong or that things could even go wrong. Now that I have experience I still have that idealized version of relationships in my head and want that but now I know that things can go wrong sometimes and if it does, it'll hurt but I'll be alright in the end. We all will.

SammySammy Established Member

SammySammy

Posted
Posted

I've gone through stages. Gradually getting more and more jaded. Or is that experienced?

 

From being totally heartbroken and destroyed when my first girlfriend betrayed me. To, now, a woman coming into my life or leaving my life has very little emotional impact. I can actually end a relationship cordially wishing that person the best and have no hard feelings. It just didn't work out and it's time to move on.

 

What have I learned over the years?

 

Face and solve problems quickly. Even if that means ending a relationship with someone who may not be a good fit for you. That saves a lot of wasted time and unnecessary emotions. Don't let problems linger. Address it quickly.

 

Don't bring baggage into new relationships. People are individuals and should be giving a chance and judged by their own merits. Not by how your ex treated you. That's not fair to them or you.

 

Be happy and enjoy the moment. All relationships end. Some immediately. Some after a lifetime. But, they all end. The key is to enjoy each person for who they are and each moment for what it is. Enjoy the good times. When it's over, don't be sad that it ended. Appreciate that it happened.

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