startingagain15 Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 BF and I have been dating for 1.5 years, he is divorced 4 years ago, I was widowed 4 years ago. The relationship is good, after we both overcame some fears. We never argue. I feel he is honest with me, though doesn't always want to share things he knows I may be upset by. I've always known his wife left him, cheated w multiple other people, etc. I knew that when they got together he was engaged to another woman at the time and there was a "grey area" of what I would call him cheating on his fiancee with his x-wife. So I've known all that. Now he finally comes to share with me that his x-wife was actually married to her first husband at the time they got together and he and her had an affair before she left her husband to be with him. So anyway a big, bad mess of infidelity, cheating, etc. But this was all 20+ years ago (he's 47, I'm 41). He tells me it was all stupid and he was young, he's learned from his mistakes. And he knows her cheating on him was "karma" or whatever since they cheated on their SO's at the time to be together. And also he never cheated on his wife the 20 years they were together, even though she cheated on him multiple times. So long story, but that's the background. This leaves me with a feeling of "red flags" and maybe I shouldn't put as much trust in our relationship as I am. But can he have truly just made a "one time mistake" and learned from it? Or do I always have to deal with that fear that he is a cheater?
aileD Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Well gen didn't respect his fiancé. He didn't respect his future wife's husband and their marriage either. But he (supposedly) respected his 20 year marriage. (I highly doubt this especially if he knew she was running around cheating). But he trickle truthed you. Maybe in a few months he'll say "well I only cheated on wifey once" I think you just need more time with no expectations. If he treats you well and has distance from the events then it's hard to hold that against him. But...also it speaks to his character and his marriage views that cheating by him or wife or anyone was so prevelent in his life
Author startingagain15 Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 Thanks for your reply aileD. I definitely see what you're saying about respect. I have the fear that even though he says he's grown up and changed, there's always that possibility that they haven't. I believe him when he says he didn't physically cheat. But I've caught hints that there could have been an emotional affair at a point right before the divorce, that he maybe doesn't realize would count in my eyes as an affair. So idk, he's probably leaving some stuff out, I know. I think I need to just sit down and hash this all out with him. Lay my feelings and expectations out, and ask for the whole story/truth. Part of this is a little my fault because I really didn't want to know much about his past, until we've gotten closer more recently. I did ask him at one time though how his x-wife's first marriage ended and all he would say at that time was that "some people just aren't meant to be married." So definitely trickle truths there. These "Chapter 2" relationships are so tough. I get that at our age we have a lot of baggage. But I guess I need to decide how much of his baggage I can deal with.
Larryville Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Sorry I sometimes have to break stuff down, I read between the lines on stuff like this… BF and I have been dating for 1.5 years, The relationship is good… If a relationship is GOOD, you are not posting here… after we both overcame some fears. We never argue. We never argue does not mean anything, it COULD mean limited communication skills or one or both of you are into suppressing stuff TO AVOID arguing. I feel he is honest with me… But then you say… though doesn't always want to share things he knows I may be upset by. So not being honest with you no matter how he or you couch it. I've always known his wife left him, cheated w multiple other people, etc. Infidelity history #1 I knew that when they got together he was engaged to another woman. So was engaged and cheated… at the time and there was a "grey area" of what I would call him cheating on his fiancee with his x-wife. WTF!? Now he finally comes to share with me that his x-wife was actually married to her first husband Infidelity history #2 at the time they got together and he and her had an affair before she left her husband to be with him. WTF!? So anyway a big, bad mess of infidelity, cheating, etc. (he's 47, I'm 41). He tells me it was all stupid and he was young, he's learned from his mistakes. All men say that crap “young, mistakes bla blab bla… And he knows her cheating on him was "karma" Al righty then… or whatever since they cheated on their SO's at the time to be together. And also he never cheated on his wife the 20 years they were together, even though she cheated on him multiple times. This leaves me with a feeling of "red flags" and maybe I shouldn't put as much trust in our relationship as I am. Huge red flags to me… But can he have truly just made a "one time mistake" and learned from it? Or do I always have to deal with that fear that he is a cheater? I just gotta ask… you sure he has not cheated on you? Just a big mess to me, why I segments some posts like this, but then you said… The relationship is good… There is a lot more to this drama you are leaving out. NOBODY posts here when things are good yet you write about a bunch of red flags, I’m also factoring your age differences too… I guess I need to decide how much of his baggage I can deal with. Depends on how much you value yourself. Good Luck
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