Lack of mutual interest or moving too fast?

[LookAtThisPOst]

I have a friend of mine that has a pattern of moving much slower than the men who want to take it to the next level. And I'm not talking sexually either, but more on exclusivity or being referred to as a "girlfriend."

 

This one woman, I'm trying to recall a few examples, older single. She told me that one time she was on her 3rd date with him, and they went to a dinner party together. Most of which were his friends. He would introduce her and such, and they'd always give him congratulatory comments in landing this great lady.

 

This made her uncomfortable, as she was thinking he was telling people that she was his girlfriend.

 

As she's telling me this I say, "Yeah, so? How is that a problem for you?"

 

I guess my comment kind of back fired on her as I was siding for him in a sense....I guess it was because of the other stories of similar in nature of men that were, according to her' moving too quickly"

 

She told me of another man she met online, saw each other a few times, and he was saying how he feels like a smitten kid when around her. And they are both in their 50s, so this guy is not some smitten college-aged kid either.

 

I said to her, "Well, if you don't feel the same way back, then obviously there's no mutual interest"

 

She said wasn't that, it was just the fact she doesn't like to move as fast as most men would. SO what happens is, she just dates these guys as more of an obligation, but it tends to fizzle since the guy starts to sense no mutual interest and she blames it on "He's moving too fast."

 

I've seen this happen a few times, and I think they are in denial of not feeling an attraction the person on the other end, but blames it on rates of how people want to take the relationship forward.

 

Thoughts on this?

[Larryville]

SO what happens is, she just dates these guys as more of an obligation, but it tends to fizzle since the guy starts to sense no mutual interest and she blames it on "He's moving too fast."

 

I’m just gonna throw this out there. Now you did not say how she is meeting these guys. So I’m gonna use OLD as my example. If I am browsing profiles there are just clues in language whether or not a particular woman really actually WANTS to have a relationship or does as you say:

 

she just dates these guys as more of an obligation

 

Dates/dating to women like this are more like the routine of getting a morning cup of coffee.

 

One thing I look for in profiles is some sites have the “longest relationship” and if I see someone who has a longest relationship as being 1 year or less, I (personally) avoid those women. Dating is just another hobby, routine activity. Guys who date these type of women will indeed sense that she is not really interested.

 

Some people simply don’t know how to be in a cohesive relationship. Does not mean they are bad people or that anything is wrong with them. They will date, but prefer the solo status more.

[LookAtThisPOst]

I’m just gonna throw this out there. Now you did not say how she is meeting these guys. So I’m gonna use OLD as my example. If I am browsing profiles there are just clues in language whether or not a particular woman really actually WANTS to have a relationship or does as you say:

 

 

 

Dates/dating to women like this are more like the routine of getting a morning cup of coffee.

 

One thing I look for in profiles is some sites have the “longest relationship” and if I see someone who has a longest relationship as being 1 year or less, I (personally) avoid those women. Dating is just another hobby, routine activity. Guys who date these type of women will indeed sense that she is not really interested.

 

Some people simply don’t know how to be in a cohesive relationship. Does not mean they are bad people or that anything is wrong with them. They will date, but prefer the solo status more.

 

Right, she recently told me that she prefers to date a man that's busy with work. A lot of men she says apparently want to see her more than once a week, and apparently that's too much.

 

And I'm like, "Really? How so?" It's stifling to her otherwise. She also has nothing much going on in her life socially or even hobbies at all, so she's told me she wants a man that's in the same field that she is...mentioned something that if she works over time, she'd like it for him to show up with dinner take out, and they can eat it together at the office and vice-versa.

 

Kind of like how cops fall in love with their partners I guess? lol

 

Or they can work in the "home office" together. It's like they have to be all industry-focused in their romance life, even off the clock since she has no extra-curricular or leisure time activities.

 

So now I'm figuring out why she's over 50 and never married and hadn't been in a relationship in over 5 years.

[smackie9]

I say it's anxiety........Activities, being social, commitments makes her feel uncomfortable, but diverts the blame to hid it. She's at that stage in her life where menopause will increase her anxiety and make her recede even more from life.

[Larryville]

I don’t remember what the different sites have as the indicator but if you see the:

 

wants to date but nothing serious.

 

This is via POF

 

Or no commitment

 

Of there is all sorts of I’m an independent woman” verbiage, independent this, independent that… avoid.

 

Unless of course you don’t want a commitment or a kinda formal FWB situation.

 

Right, she recently told me that she prefers to date a man that's busy with work.

 

Yup these women will specifically state in the profile (man that has his own life) type stuff, meaning I only want you when I want you…

[Methodical]

Sounds to me like she's a woman with commitment issues who wants an occasional date but no relationship. The mere mention of "girlfriend" scares the hell out of her because she doesn't want a long-term commitment, so she bolts...or fades then uses the "moving too fast" excuse to validate her choice.