Author selinaluv Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 Awe thank you for the kind words and you are right there is something we can learn from hardship. I am not a chaser, but I also don't want to not be honest with who I am. If I am interested in someone, he will feel it. I think when it is honest and promising, there are no games to be played. I hope it is a happy ending. Still not sure, but I do think I have made a new friend at the least. He is continuing today to keep the conversation going after my initial text and it does feel good. He came upfront in the beginning saying that he is pretty upfront and real and if there was not a connection there would not be a second date. He noted his last few first dates knew by the end of the date that he would not be calling back. I appreciate the honesty. I will add that these could all be words to keep me in the loop and I am aware. Unfortunately I succumbed to him early (I know, but I wanted to) physically because I initially thought it was going to be just a hook up with this one. It almost seemed like the date chemistry was so good, I think we wanted to see if the rest of it was, and it was. But that appears to not be the case and he does seem to genuinely want to get to know me. I guess it is always slightly promising when they ask to see you after sex.
Author selinaluv Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 To follow up on this... one more question. Not that I am going to, but two dates initiated by him... What is the thought of the woman doing the asking afterwards? I haven't done so in a long time.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 My motto when it comes to dating is: Words followed with actions, you're golden. Words that contradict actions, not so much. In that respect you'll need time and to observe and see if he is just a talker or the real deal. Like they observe us for the same. Ya, again when i feel that we are getting into a regular weekly pattern I start to ask him out, especially if he pays for all those initial dates. It's nice to treat him for a change or even for you take the pressure off him to come up with an entertainment plan. It's important to expose him to the things you enjoy in your world too, ie. fave restaurant, cool art show in town, a theatre production you're dying to see or a Sunday market you wanted to check out etc. 1
Dis Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 I have a little bit of a different take on this...and its not because of the one day of no communication A few things bother me about this guy.... IME, when a guy says he "likes being single" that usually means relationships aren't really his thing...he doesnt like to be tied down by the "burdens" of a relationship...he likes to be single as in, do his own thing, answer only to himself, do what he pleases Another thing, he says hes making concessions for you that he doesnt normally make for his dates. I've heard guys say this too....what I end up learning is #1 Its just sweet talk or #2 He usually cant be bothered doing these things because again...he likes to be single...he doesnt like to do relationship oriented activites...so these types of gestures are short lived One more thing, you slept with him....which is totally up to you and your choice and if it was good sex then I'm glad you enjoyed. But I've read thread after thread after thread on here posted by women who had sex and then the guy faded out....I'm not saying this is always the case but its pretty common I'm kind of surprised I'm saying all this because I'm not usually the pessimistic type but I don't feel too positive about this one Hang in there though Selina...In my own dating life I'm an overthinker and a worrier too so I understand how you're feeling. Time will tell and no matter what happens...keep your chin up girl
iphone_user1 Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 No way everyday communication. It just gets me overwhelmed and bored. One day of no communication is okay, then a little bit in the morning or at night till the day of the date. That's how I work, I can't stand everyday communication and it has made me lose a lot of girls because they think I'm not interested or they need to be in touch everyday, but I can't. I quickly get tired of a girl if we talk everyday.
Author selinaluv Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 A few things bother me about this guy.... IME, when a guy says he "likes being single" that usually means relationships aren't really his thing...he doesnt like to be tied down by the "burdens" of a relationship...he likes to be single as in, do his own thing, answer only to himself, do what he pleases Another thing, he says hes making concessions for you that he doesnt normally make for his dates. I've heard guys say this too....what I end up learning is #1 Its just sweet talk or #2 He usually cant be bothered doing these things because again...he likes to be single...he doesnt like to do relationship oriented activites...so these types of gestures are short lived Hang in there though Selina...In my own dating life I'm an overthinker and a worrier too so I understand how you're feeling. Time will tell and no matter what happens...keep your chin up girl Yes I totally get where you are coming from here and have those thoughts myself. I realize that has nothing to do with me and he may not be up for settling down with anything, anytime soon. I admit I am prepared for that. I am not sure about the sweet talk (he just doesn't seem that smooth) but you never know. I do think it has more to do with not getting into that vibe with a woman because it will mean too much. Those relationship oriented activities as you say could be short lived because they may be uncomfortable for him. I can see that. I have a another date with someone else tomorrow (who was in the mix before this one). I hope to have my heart in it. And yes, time will tell. I am not sure the fade out on sex will be the issue here. But yes, I have been the victim of that. No regrets on that here though, because I wanted it and it was fun. In fact, I could see it being the opposite and something he keeps me "around for" longer than expected.
Author selinaluv Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 No way everyday communication. It just gets me overwhelmed and bored. One day of no communication is okay, then a little bit in the morning or at night till the day of the date. That's how I work, I can't stand everyday communication and it has made me lose a lot of girls because they think I'm not interested or they need to be in touch everyday, but I can't. I quickly get tired of a girl if we talk everyday. Yes, I am learning this is acceptable too and not a reflection of their interest. There is a piece of me that gets tired of it actually, but fails to understand that could be the case the other way also.
spiderowl Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 (edited) I find it tends to depend how much I like someone. If I really like him, then I'd like to hear from him every day, but not thousands of texts or anything. Being responsive is important as feeling you are sending messages into a black hole is very dispiriting (as I've just been writing about recently). I think if someone is interested in you, they will want to be touch. If they are pushing all the time form something from you and you are not sure about them, then it is a turn off. Edited November 11, 2016 by spiderowl 1
Author selinaluv Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 (edited) I want to follow up on the question about taking the "single guy" seriously. Will try to add it to this thread and see how it goes... My question is regarding a dating a man who claims he enjoys being single but would change up for "the right woman if she came along". This is in light of the one I am currently talking to, but I am encountering it a lot. It has been the last three men and many I meet come out stating this before we meet. What appears to be the "professional" single guy. They say enough to keep you around, but quickly pull back. I guess my question... is it worth even talking to somebody who says that? In reality, does that woman ever come along or is that just his way of saying I don't want to get committed or attached to anybody at the moment? This is coming from a man at 40 never married, has no children, and not sure when his last long-term relationship was. I enjoy his company but I'm starting to see him pulling back ever so slightly and I just want to see if this is even worth attempting to move forward. Do these men ever truly settle down and find the love that they claim they may want but "not at the moment". It's a shame if he might be pulling back because he seemed to like me, we had a nice connection, seems vert physically attracted to me, and I enjoyed his and really liked him. That would be too bad to let that go. Do they even try to see the good stuff, or is the allure of being single and having the freedom too strong. Edited November 11, 2016 by selinaluv 1
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 People experience intense intimacy and then pull back to regain their sense of balance, it can be equally frightening when we fall in love as it is exciting. And for guys, especially those that have been used to being alone for so long it could be their sense of losing their independence that is at play. I wouldn't be too quick to write him off based on that. The push-pull thing does happen, even to us women, but if they are emotionally open it eventually goes away. A better question is, is he capable of commitment judging by his past relationship history? Another question to find out is has he been seriously hurt in the past. Never married and without kids doesn't necessarily mean he is incapable of true intimacy and commitment but I can see why you would think this plays a big part in assessing things.
spiderowl Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I've noticed that pulling back stage before too. It seems to happen after about 3 weeks or a month. Both people start to wonder where it is all going, whether the other person feels the same as them, whether they like you more or less than at first. There is also the feeling that you've somehow neglected ordinary life, friends and family, and need to regain some balance. I suppose it is a testing time because at that point you never know if both are going to pull together again or drift apart. 1
Author selinaluv Posted November 11, 2016 Author Posted November 11, 2016 A better question is, is he capable of commitment judging by his past relationship history? Another question to find out is has he been seriously hurt in the past. Never married and without kids doesn't necessarily mean he is incapable of true intimacy and commitment but I can see why you would think this plays a big part in assessing things. Well it turns out he is reaching out as his usual self. He is fun loving and I sense it is his way of "checking in." He is consistent with his communication. The above is what I question the most. Is he capable? Is the fun and single line code for won't commit cause I can't. Not that I even know exactly what I want with this one. My walls are up because of what he has said. Thing is his actions aren't necessarily consistent with what he said. But I enjoy his company and would be sad if he disappeared.
Redhead14 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Well it turns out he is reaching out as his usual self. He is fun loving and I sense it is his way of "checking in." He is consistent with his communication. The above is what I question the most. Is he capable? Is the fun and single line code for won't commit cause I can't. Not that I even know exactly what I want with this one. My walls are up because of what he has said. Thing is his actions aren't necessarily consistent with what he said. But I enjoy his company and would be sad if he disappeared. Not that I even know exactly what I want with this one. -- You don't adjust your dating goals for a particular man. You date men who want the same thing you want. If your dating goal is to find a man for a long-term relationship, you date men who date you that way and who don't give you indicators of not wanting a serious relationship. This guy has given those indicators. It's important within a few dates to actually have a conversation about dating goals -- what each of you is looking for out of your dating experience. If they say they just want casual or not looking for a relationship or say they are the fun, single type you move on. You are stringing yourself along . . .
Author selinaluv Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 Not that I even know exactly what I want with this one. -- You don't adjust your dating goals for a particular man. You date men who want the same thing you want. If your dating goal is to find a man for a long-term relationship, you date men who date you that way and who don't give you indicators of not wanting a serious relationship. This guy has given those indicators. It's important within a few dates to actually have a conversation about dating goals -- what each of you is looking for out of your dating experience. If they say they just want casual or not looking for a relationship or say they are the fun, single type you move on. You are stringing yourself along . . . This is all so true and something I need to remember. The odd thing is I still haven't figured out my dating goals and what I want. I go from wanting companionship to my independence and not the stress of a relationship. Sometimes I feel like I am not too far off from the professional single guy myself.
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