Communication Newly Dating

[selinaluv]

When you are newly dating someone (a couple dates in), but see potential for more, how often do you think is ideal for couples to communicate.

 

Is every day too much and is it healthy to skip a day?

 

I have gotten into patterns of the every day and skipping a day always throws me off, even though it shouldn't. I am also working more on having the man take the lead and trying not to be "too much".

 

I know this stems from my own abandonment issues and the fear of the fade out.

[Sunkissedpatio]

Everything in moderation is not unhealthy. It really depends more on the two people involved than on some arbitrary dating rules. Are you skipping a day as a test or as a planned tactic or is that just how things developed? And are you worried he is going to disappear?

 

My preference is to feel out his interest level and follow his lead but as soon as I establish he is totally interested then I can relax and go with what I feel. Meaning if I feel like reaching because I am thinking happy thoughts that involve him then I will do it. I don't feel the need to communicate some evenings because I am busy doing my own things, then I don't. Likewise I don't take personally or panic when he does the same.

[Toodaloo]

In my experience if they drop off communication or leave it a few days then they are not interested and my interest levels drop considerably. No point wasting time, energy and emotion on people who are just not all that interested or luke warm.

 

I have a couple of guys who I have decided to just fade out on because they are clearly not on the same page as I am. I ask how they are and get a response 3-4 days later? Yeah they are not interested...

 

The ones who keep up the good morning and good nights they are the ones who are interested. Its OK to not speak for a few days if they are on holiday or something but to do that day to day? Nah. Not worth the bother.

[Popsicle]

I like everyday. I like men who are "clingy" too.

[hippychick3]

I prefer daily contact. I've found that those who contact daily in some form or another are the ones most interested. I've always let the man take the lead so I could gauge his interest level.

[smackie9]

As you see OP there are different opinions because everyone has their own expectations. It falls under the compatibility category. Some like communication everyday, some don't. You have to find that individual that is equal to you. Then there is no worry.

[selinaluv]

Everything in moderation is not unhealthy. It really depends more on the two people involved than on some arbitrary dating rules. Are you skipping a day as a test or as a planned tactic or is that just how things developed? And are you worried he is going to disappear?

 

My preference is to feel out his interest level and follow his lead but as soon as I establish he is totally interested then I can relax and go with what I feel. Meaning if I feel like reaching because I am thinking happy thoughts that involve him then I will do it. I don't feel the need to communicate some evenings because I am busy doing my own things, then I don't. Likewise I don't take personally or panic when he does the same.

 

This is how I feel about it and trying not to take things personally. That is my own issues creeping up.

 

We had a date the day prior for lunch, that went a lot longer then planned. Then we proceeded to text about current events into the evening. He pretty much initiated the conversations after the date.

 

I know he had a big job yesterday, so that played into it.

 

I did text him this morning wishing him a good day, because I feel like the communication could be more balanced. I don't want to play games. We have a very easy, friendly vibe and I want to keep that going if possible and not turn it into complicated dating games.

 

From here I will see what he does. He does seem very interested, but he is also someone who has stated he enjoys being single (before we actually met). Not sure what that means, but he has initiated two dates within a week.

 

I am just not someone who does well standing by and being passive when I like someone.

[selinaluv]

In my experience if they drop off communication or leave it a few days then they are not interested and my interest levels drop considerably. No point wasting time, energy and emotion on people who are just not all that interested or luke warm.

 

I have a couple of guys who I have decided to just fade out on because they are clearly not on the same page as I am. I ask how they are and get a response 3-4 days later? Yeah they are not interested...

 

The ones who keep up the good morning and good nights they are the ones who are interested. Its OK to not speak for a few days if they are on holiday or something but to do that day to day? Nah. Not worth the bother.

 

It's only been one day, so I imagine I am over thinking it. That is my issue and my fault. Talking it out really helps me recognize that.

 

I did take a step out to reach out to him, which usually causes me anxiety. I need to do these things to build up my confidence. We will see what he does. After that I will let him reach out again.

[Larryville]

I prefer daily contact. I've found that those who contact daily in some form or another are the ones most interested. I've always let the man take the lead so I could gauge his interest level.

 

Ok HC, (and not to threadjack, sorry) I am casually speaking to a couple of women from OLD and we have only had OLD site email exchanges thus far. Fairly interactive, not detailed but generally friendly.

 

I have a better understanding from here about when people talk about the tenor of the conversation, even if brief or not particularly frequent somewhat engaging.

 

HC you mention man taking lead, the thing about me is eventually if there does not seem to be any specific progress I simply will fade. I get bored easily.

 

Now talking about women in their 50’s I’m doing the at least daily contact thing, but how long does a dude engage in this manner and what should a guy be seeing in those exchanges to give us an idea that you are actually interested and to give YOU the signal of genuine interest. I hope this is clear enough…

[Toodaloo]

It's only been one day, so I imagine I am over thinking it. That is my issue and my fault. Talking it out really helps me recognize that.

 

I did take a step out to reach out to him, which usually causes me anxiety. I need to do these things to build up my confidence. We will see what he does. After that I will let him reach out again.

 

If he has a busy day at work then don't worry until its been over 24 hours.

 

After that I am pretty much guessing that barring an accident or death in the family he isn't interested.

 

Mirror his interest and back off when he does. Don't hang about for him if he doesn't contact you.

[Toodaloo]

Ok HC, (and not to threadjack, sorry) I am casually speaking to a couple of women from OLD and we have only had OLD site email exchanges thus far. Fairly interactive, not detailed but generally friendly.

 

I have a better understanding from here about when people talk about the tenor of the conversation, even if brief or not particularly frequent somewhat engaging.

 

HC you mention man taking lead, the thing about me is eventually if there does not seem to be any specific progress I simply will fade. I get bored easily.

 

Now talking about women in their 50’s I’m doing the at least daily contact thing, but how long does a dude engage in this manner and what should a guy be seeing in those exchanges to give us an idea that you are actually interested and to give YOU the signal of genuine interest. I hope this is clear enough…

 

She has let him know she is thinking of him on a day in which she knows he will be busy so the natural thing will be for him to report back on how it went... if he is interested.

[Larryville]

She has let him know she is thinking of him on a day in which she knows he will be busy so the natural thing will be for him to report back on how it went... if he is interested.

 

Well I'm big on communication and consistent communication. I'm just the type of dude who will respond to a SO, promptly no matter how "busy" I am. I will always tell a potential SO, even if I'm "busy" meaning occupied I will at least send a "will call back in 5" or something to let the person know I am acknowledging receipt of their message.

[Sunkissedpatio]

 

From here I will see what he does. He does seem very interested, but he is also someone who has stated he enjoys being single (before we actually met). Not sure what that means, but he has initiated two dates within a week.

 

 

Again, hard to say what that exactly means for him but I would take is as he is happy being on his own. I enjoy being single too, I'm enjoying being single now and have in the past as well, and it has nothing to do with playing the field or tramping around town. I just enjoy being on my own, having no one to have to make concessions for or to answer to and don't feel a great need to have someone in my life. I would be totally open to falling in love again and I would enjoy being with someone that is right for me just as much. That could be what he means.

[selinaluv]

If he has a busy day at work then don't worry until its been over 24 hours.

 

After that I am pretty much guessing that barring an accident or death in the family he isn't interested.

 

Mirror his interest and back off when he does. Don't hang about for him if he doesn't contact you.

 

Yes, that is what I will try to do.

 

I did send a text as I wrote my earlier responses and he responded right away in his usual manner. I know it doesn't mean anything, but I also feel sending him a initiating text is mirroring his actions.

 

I won't hang around if things don't progress. But it is hard when you feel you really click with someone. It's just hoping they feel the same.

[Toodaloo]

Well I'm big on communication and consistent communication. I'm just the type of dude who will respond to a SO, promptly no matter how "busy" I am. I will always tell a potential SO, even if I'm "busy" meaning occupied I will at least send a "will call back in 5" or something to let the person know I am acknowledging receipt of their message.

 

I too like consistent communication but I also like to get on with my job and being rural it will often take several hours for a message to get through anyway...

 

I think there is a middle ground for it.

 

A couple of times a day between dates but if it gets to more than 24 hours between communication its not going anywhere. They are not interested.

[selinaluv]

Again, hard to say what that exactly means for him but I would take is as he is happy being on his own. I enjoy being single too, I'm enjoying being single now and have in the past as well, and it has nothing to do with playing the field or tramping around town. I just enjoy being on my own, having no one to have to make concessions for or to answer to and don't feel a great need to have someone in my life. I would be totally open to falling in love again and I would enjoy being with someone that is right for me just as much. That could be what he means.

 

Yes, that is pretty much how he expressed it. That he is not going to compromise his life for just anyone. But then he has said he has included me in things already that he doesn't normally do when he is dating, and I actually believe that cause it is true.

 

I will add that I feel the same way about being single. I enjoy my life with my daughter. I don't necessarily want to quickly push it for just anyone.

[Larryville]

but if it gets to more than 24 hours between communication its not going anywhere. They are not interested.

 

Exactly, because if I'm truly into you I want to stay in contact, not bombard them, but as I said just be consistent.

 

The other thing for me is do they ask questions, I mean as the potential of the relationship develops. if someone is not even asking questions, even something as simple as how your day was, they are not truly interested as you said.

[selinaluv]

Ok HC, (and not to threadjack, sorry) I am casually speaking to a couple of women from OLD and we have only had OLD site email exchanges thus far. Fairly interactive, not detailed but generally friendly.

 

I have a better understanding from here about when people talk about the tenor of the conversation, even if brief or not particularly frequent somewhat engaging.

 

HC you mention man taking lead, the thing about me is eventually if there does not seem to be any specific progress I simply will fade. I get bored easily.

 

Now talking about women in their 50’s I’m doing the at least daily contact thing, but how long does a dude engage in this manner and what should a guy be seeing in those exchanges to give us an idea that you are actually interested and to give YOU the signal of genuine interest. I hope this is clear enough…

 

Yes, I often wonder about this too. Sometimes I wonder if I am giving him (or anyone) enough on my end to know I am interested.

 

I need exchange and conversation. I have one man I recently texted who will just send random texts every once in a while. I try to make conversation, but he just doesn't keep it flowing or ask me out. He then states things like "I was wondering if you would reach out" when I do so, but then does not progress anything.

 

I eventually lost interest.

[selinaluv]

Exactly, because if I'm truly into you I want to stay in contact, not bombard them, but as I said just be consistent.

 

The other thing for me is do they ask questions, I mean as the potential of the relationship develops. if someone is not even asking questions, even something as simple as how your day was, they are not truly interested as you said.

 

Yes he is always asking questions or inciting conversation. It really never ends tbh, that is why the day of silence is odd, but we all have those days and I shouldn't worry until it becomes consistent.

 

Honestly, the way he keeps dialogue moving is what made me realize he was truly interested in getting to know me and not just take me on a date... if that makes sense. It made him stand out and made him more attractive to me.

[Sunkissedpatio]

It's looking pretty promising selina!

 

If he is telling you he is making exceptions for you in positive ways, that is always a good sign. I think your approach is great so far, and I loved what you said about having a very easy friendly vibe and that you want to continue that, especially if you have a tendency to overthink things. That's what will kill the moment not the reaching out when you feel you shouldn't.

 

My mother is quite ill with Alzheimer's and in these past 7 months seeing her transition from the moderate stage to a later stage of the disease has really taught me to live in the moment. I have a tendency to overthink things too, when you are spending time with someone you love this much and all you have is the moment, you learn to appreciate every hour for what it is without projecting too far into the future because things are guaranteed to change and in the next moment the current experience together will be forgotten.

I am applying this to my dating life, and I hope I can sustain this attitude for the long-haul.

[Miss Peach]

I prefer daily contact. I've found that those who contact daily in some form or another are the ones most interested. I've always let the man take the lead so I could gauge his interest level.

 

Same here. I don't initiate but I mirror enthusasistically. So if I receive some sort of communication I try to make it sound cheerful and like I'm happy to talk, to message back quickly, etc.

[selinaluv]

Well I'm big on communication and consistent communication. I'm just the type of dude who will respond to a SO, promptly no matter how "busy" I am. I will always tell a potential SO, even if I'm "busy" meaning occupied I will at least send a "will call back in 5" or something to let the person know I am acknowledging receipt of their message.

 

This is great, but can be rare. Men may have intentions of doing so or our thinking of her, but don't always let her know.

 

I will say this guy on my end, is pretty good about that and will even reach out when he is busy to say hello. It is early, so I am not even sure if that is truly who he is, so we will see.

 

I do think this may be generational and not sure if the younger men have figured that out yet.

[selinaluv]

It's looking pretty promising selina!

 

If he is telling you he is making exceptions for you in positive ways, that is always a good sign. I think your approach is great so far, and I loved what you said about having a very easy friendly vibe and that you want to continue that, especially if you have a tendency to overthink things. That's what will kill the moment not the reaching out when you feel you shouldn't.

 

My mother is quite ill with Alzheimer's and in these past 7 months seeing her transition from the moderate stage to a later stage of the disease has really taught me to live in the moment. I have a tendency to overthink things too, when you are spending time with someone you love this much and all you have is the moment, you learn to appreciate every hour for what it is without projecting too far into the future because things are guaranteed to change and in the next moment the current experience together will be forgotten.

I am applying this to my dating life, and I hope I can sustain this attitude for the long-haul.

 

Thank you Sunkissed! I hope so on my end. And if not, it has been a positive experience with him so far and I will know I had fun.

 

I am very sorry to hear about your mother. I have a history of Alzheimer's in my family and it can be extremely difficult. Things like that do teach you to embrace life and live for the moment.

 

I do believe that we have to go after what we want. Not force it, but if we want to be more proactive, do so. Nothing will really be lost. I also think he is the type of man who appreciates that in a woman. He has as much said so. It seems to be something that attracts him as long as it is not overdone.

 

And yes he did say that and I believe it. Something as funny as introducing me to his dog and letting me bond with her. She is important to him and he said it is not something he often does with dates. I believe him to be earnest with that.

[Sunkissedpatio]

And thank you Selina! It is very hard indeed but there is a lesson in every hardship we are presented.

 

You really do have to go after what you want, and if the actions are being reciprocated there is no reason for games or to play out arbitrary dating rules. Each relationship dynamic is different. What's most important is what feels natural and healthy to the two of you combined.

 

I love reading happy stories like yours there is so much hope there it's inspiring.

[selinaluv]

And thank you Selina! It is very hard indeed but there is a lesson in every hardship we are presented.

 

You really do have to go after what you want, and if the actions are being reciprocated there is no reason for games or to play out arbitrary dating rules. Each relationship dynamic is different. What's most important is what feels natural and healthy to the two of you combined.

 

I love reading happy stories like yours there is so much hope there it's inspiring.

 

Awe thank you for the kind words and you are right there is something we can learn from hardship.

 

I am not a chaser, but I also don't want to not be honest with who I am. If I am interested in someone, he will feel it. I think when it is honest and promising, there are no games to be played.

 

I hope it is a happy ending. Still not sure, but I do think I have made a new friend at the least. He is continuing today to keep the conversation going after my initial text and it does feel good.

 

He came upfront in the beginning saying that he is pretty upfront and real and if there was not a connection there would not be a second date. He noted his last few first dates knew by the end of the date that he would not be calling back. I appreciate the honesty.