SingleDadwchild Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Hello I am currently divorced and have been dating the same woman for the last year and a half. My ex and I do not get along and live across the country from each other and she has custody of our 2 year old daughter. I currently travel back to see my daughter every month for a weekend and have skypes twice a week with her. The issue now is that although the woman I have been dating for a year and a half has known the situation since the start she is now questioning whether or not she is ok with me having a kid when she thinks about us as a couple long term. She is going back and forth on it consistently and it seems to cause problems. I have asked her to tell me how involved she would like to be but she refers it to me instead to tell her what her involvement should be and then she will decide from there if she is ok with the situation or not. I feel like the best way to tackle this issue is for us to talk and work out how involved she wants to be together since there are many options and flexibility for her involvement. At the same time it feels like it isn't the level of involvement that she is trying to figure out but she is just now realizing she is not ok with being with someone with a kid. Any help suggestions or advise would really be welcome here. I guess I am just asking for any thoughts or advise on how something like this should be approached in a relationship. thanks so much
kendahke Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 At the same time it feels like it isn't the level of involvement that she is trying to figure out but she is just now realizing she is not ok with being with someone with a kid. I can't see any way of this working out if she's feeling that she's not OK being with someone with a child. The child isn't going anywhere; you aren't going to stop being the child's dad just to keep the girlfriend around, are you? You know, you asked a pretty simple question. She should be able to tell you "I'd like time with you one on one, but I'd also be comfortable with your daughter being with us on weekends", depending upon how hostile your ex is to any women around your child. I don't think it needed you telling her anything. She should know--a ballpark estimate is even good here so you can find a place to negotiate towards, so you're right in concluding that she doesn't want this. Don't waste any more time on/with her. Find someone else who isn't put off by your child rearing arrangements.
Gaeta Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Women don't change their mind like this for nothing. Sounds like she is getting impatient with something. Did something happened? Is it about not trusting you when you travel across the country to see your children?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 This is one of the primary reasons why I strongly prefer dating ladies with children. As a single father, it just makes it easier. This is a tough situation. kendahke is right. Nothing is going to change at your end as far as being a parent. How old is your gf? Is she looking to have her own children? Some find the presence of 'step' children a threat.
Popsicle Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Your story sounds really confusing and a bit strange. I suspect you've been keeping your daughter from her out of fear of losing this lady and she finds it odd and is trying to figure out why you're acting so weird.
Author SingleDadwchild Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 She is 26 and I am 27 my daughter is 2. No nothing really happened other than she has started to think about marriage and what our life would look like together in the future if we went down that path. She does want kids of her own in the future also. Her main concern is if she can be ok with things. She never saw herself being with someone with a kid is what she has said. She also feels like she will never be able to actually be her Mom and does not know how she fits into things.
Raena Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 You needing to leave and stay near or with your ex every 4th week could be part of the reason why she has issue with knowing where to go with this. Is she involved with spending time with your child? Have they met? I'm sure she is feeling many emotions about this situation that only she can tell you about. It could be anything from jealousy that you had a child with someone else already, or that she doesn't want children, or doesn't want to deal with drama from your ex (or worries that there will be some in the future), or upset about the amount of time you are gone. Who knows though. Whatever she's feeling, she needs to open up and tell you about it so you can work through it if possible. She may not even want to tell you all that she's feeling. Most reasonable people wouldn't want to admit that they are feeling jealous of a 2 year old but she could be feeling that way just the same. The best way to approach it is to start a conversation about it with her. Get her to tell you what her concerns are and go from there. 1
Popsicle Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Her main concern is if she can be ok with things. She never saw herself being with someone with a kid is what she has said. She also feels like she will never be able to actually be her Mom and does not know how she fits into things. Are you sure this is not just what YOU think? That's it's not your own fears talking? Why don't you talk to her about it? Like in a straight-forward way. What is the big deal in you telling her the involvement you'd ideally like her to have in your daughters life? I'm a single parent and I wouldn't have any problem whatsoever telling a guy I'm in a relationship with this.
Gaeta Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 She is 26 and I am 27 my daughter is 2. No nothing really happened other than she has started to think about marriage and what our life would look like together in the future if we went down that path. She does want kids of her own in the future also. Her main concern is if she can be ok with things. She never saw herself being with someone with a kid is what she has said. She also feels like she will never be able to actually be her Mom and does not know how she fits into things. Ok, very common with some younger women. She doesn't want someone else to be the mother of your children. She is jealous. She feels she is being robbed of something special because you have a child with someone else and not just her. She is immature and your child with the other woman will always be seen as a competitor.
Author SingleDadwchild Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 We have spoken about this pretty often and she has told me these are her feelings. She is also concerned with figuring out what her role is and is now trying to figure out that and what she wants and is ok with. I have told her what she has to be ok with for me which is pretty easy since it is outlined in a parenting plan.
Author SingleDadwchild Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 Do you think there would be a good way to discuss this or tackle this issue so the jealousy fades?
Popsicle Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 What is your parenting plan? A 2-year old does take up a lot of time....
LastAcorn99 Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Given what you’ve shared, I think you need to talk to your girlfriend and be clear about where she stands regarding your daughter. I’m not saying that you have to put your life on hold for the sake of your daughter; however, I do believe that as a responsible parent you need to ensure that she doesn’t face any hostility or animosity from your special other in the future. Sending you prayers. All the best!
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 She's 26, she is evaluating your situation together and is coming to the conclusion that she likely doesn't want to inherit someone else's family to look after and co-mingle with the ex problems etc. She's at an age where she can have all that fresh and with a clean slate and she is likely wondering if she should just do that. Maybe it isn't in the cards for the two of you to be together...sorry. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 She's 26, she is evaluating your situation together and is coming to the conclusion that she likely doesn't want to inherit someone else's family to look after and co-mingle with the ex problems etc. She's at an age where she can have all that fresh and with a clean slate and she is likely wondering if she should just do that. Maybe it isn't in the cards for the two of you to be together...sorry. I agree, unfortunately.
darkmoon Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 she wants you to tell her what you expect from her, it is in your OP, but it is something that you are not doing - do you know what you expect yourself? "I have asked her to tell me how involved she would like to be but she refers it to me" 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 she wants you to tell her what you expect from her, it is in your OP, but it is something that you are not doing - do you know what you expect yourself? "I have asked her to tell me how involved she would like to be but she refers it to me" Hey, OP, I wanted to add more to my earlier post, but for some reason decided not to until this post. Thanks darmoon! :-) Look, she needs some guidance from you. Her doubts stem from her inability to find purpose in the dynamics she finds herself. She doesn't even know how all the cogs fit together let alone herself. You have a much better idea of how she can fit in. Provide her a scenario that fits your, your daughter's and her needs. I believe that you need guide more and try not to be TOO understanding by allowing her to waffle, poke around in the dark to try to figure out what she wants to do. She is reaching out to you to help guide her. Good luck. I don't think this relationship is completely lost, but you need to work quickly, but with a clear vision. 1
elaine567 Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 I have asked her to tell me how involved she would like to be but she refers it to me instead to tell her what her involvement should be and then she will decide from there if she is ok with the situation or not. It is your child so you need to give her an indication of where you see this going long term. Do you envisage going to visit your child every month for ever? Do you envisage your child coming to live with you, temporarily/permanently? Do you envisage this child arrangement collapsing at some point; perhaps when your ex gets a new man and you become the "biological" Dad without a lot of input. Are you passionately involved with this child or are you just going through the motions as it is expected of you? She got together with essentially a single man with an ex and child far away, out of sight, out of mind. NO biggie. Now she sees "a future", I guess she would rather the ex and child were NOT in the picture at all. Kids often become a huge deal to single people, they bring all sorts of complications with them, complications that in the first flush of a new relationship often get ignored or minimised. She is now considering what this child will mean FOR her and how it will affect her relationship with you going forward. She needs to know where you are at here. If you see yourself in 10 years moving closer geographically to the ex and spending an increasing time with your child and expecting your gf to play step-mom, then you need to tell her that. She is now looking long term, she wants kids so she will want HER kids to be treasured and adored, she doesn't want them viewed as second best or for you to keep haring off to visit this child as it is your first born and "special". She is being frank here when she said she can't see herself being this child's "mother", some people can do it, others just cannot. You are asking her to sacrifice something here, you need to tell her honestly what the extent of that sacrifice may be.
introverted1 Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 OP, I think you should answer her question by laying out how you see her relationship with your daughter unfolding. Do you anticipate that, if things go well, your gf will accompany you on your monthly trips to see your daughter? Also, what is your long-term plan here? Most custody agreements are written such that the residential parent cannot move further than a certain radius without the other parent's permission. How did you come to be in a situation where your daughter is on the other side of the country? Is that the long-range plan? 1
Miss Peach Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 I'm a single parent. My guess if this is stemming either from jealousy or the time and attention you are not giving to her. There are a lot of people who need to have the attention focused on them. They are not good for people with other priorities like children. People who need to be the center of attention are on my deal breaker list personally speaking. My last two BFs were childless men. One was really good about me going off and dealing with my parenting but I let him go for other reasons. He is still friendly with both of us. The second one wasn't good with not being the center of attention; he would get insecure when he wasn't and would act out passive aggressively. I had to let him go since he wouldn't have been compatible with my life as a parent. She also feels like she will never be able to actually be her Mom and does not know how she fits into things. This is something I clarify with men I date. My kiddo has a dad. The kiddo doesn't need a dad; just another cool adult role model. 3
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