When is it actually worth it to continue a FWB relationship?

[Lexxi]

It's been quite sometime since I've been in the dating game, just finalized my divorce. Prior to meeting and marrying my ex-husband of 6 years, I met a great guy out of state where I used to go see my best friend at, and we hit it off and hooked up. A relationship was out of the question because we lived in separate states, this was almost 10 years ago. Throughout the years, I still thought of him every now and then. We had texted a few times just to say hello. Even out of the blue, one of those years, we just happened to run into each other at a concert. He currently resides in a different state, but even closer to me now, only about a 1 hour flight. He has been separated for 2 years now, with his divorce finalizing shortly.

 

Our texts/conversations have been very intimate and we have talked about seeing each other again and for the first time in 10 years, we met again. He flew out to see me just for the day. We hit it off, talked as if we never parted as friends, and ended up having sex. After sex, he still talked and talked, laughed, we went out to dinner, shopping... But I felt some sort of awkwardness and distance. Maybe he expected to feel something and he didn't? Prior to coming out, he was very vocal that he just couldn't wait to be with me, and fantasizes about the day for so long.

 

 

Well, when I took him to the airport. We hugged each other and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. All of his actions (after sex), were the opposite of what he said he had fantasizes about. And he's the type who would text quite a bit (excited to see you, you are so beautiful, great talking to you etc). And I got nothing afterward. So before his flight took off, I shot him a text to thank him for coming out and had a great time with him and that I wish him luck with everything since he is going through the divorce. His response was "you too! I can't thank you enough for everything, you're a wonderful person. And regardless what happens, I want to stay in each other's lives. Even when you meet someone I still want to be your friend."

 

 

That is basically a rejection text, or even a goodbye text saying he's not interested, right? Like maybe it was just not what he had fantasizes it to be, and now I'm completely embarrassed. I may have made the mistake saying that I felt like maybe I may have made it uncomfortable for him and apologized if I did. And he said "how did you make it uncomfortable?!? It was nerve wracking for the both of us, no biggie."

 

 

So that was just last week and haven't heard from him. Sorry, like I said it has been so long and I don't know how to read people, but I'm guessing he is rejecting me now. Your thoughts? And I'm assuming it's best that I just let it go and not try to contact him?

[Zahara]

Maybe he's not really separated or divorcing. Flew over for a fun time and is back home with wifey? Or maybe he built an image/fantasy in his head and it didn't really pan out in reality. You should not be embarrassed. You took a chance and it didn't go as planned. It happens to all of us. It has nothing to do with you or your worth.

[Lexxi]

Thank you so much for the reply, Zahara.

 

Since it seems like maybe it just wasn't what he expected it to be after all, perhaps I should just not expect that there would even be a slight possibility of anything ever coming to fruition? A couple of my friends just said to give it time and this friendship could go somewhere, but I'm just tying to be realistic.

 

And also best to not get in touch with him again? Obviously I don't want to seem like a creep, which is sad because it's not like he's a random guy I just met.

[Zahara]

Well, he was pretty straightforward about staying friends regardless of your status so if you can be friends without expecting anything more then that's fine but if you find yourself getting distressed or expecting more, then maybe it would be best to keep your distance.

 

You just finalized your divorce. Don't limit yourself to a guy that lives in another state -- and one that you can't be too sure as to whether he's being honest about his status. If you are emotionally healthy and available, go out and meet men that are close to you -- practice your dating skills, have fun with your friends, go travel, etc. This is a brand new start for you -- don't bog yourself down with trying to latch onto a relationship/man so quickly.

Edited July 26, 2016 by Zahara

[ExpatInItaly]

I think for whatever reason the fantasy didn't match the reality. That might not have anything to do with you personally, either. Perhaps he realized he's not ready to put himself out there yet, perhaps he's dating someone else and feels guilty, perhaps he doesn't want to lead you on when he knows it will be hard to make a go of it long-distance.

 

You have nothing to be embarrassed about, OP. And I don't see why you apologized for making him uncomfortable. You had all the signals that he wanted to do this, too. But it does seem pretty clear from his text that it's not going to go further. Don't assume it's because you did something wrong.

 

I would not reach out to him. Your feelings are involved and it probably won't go well when he continues to keep it just friendly. Take a big, long breather. As Zahara pointed out, you're fresh on the dating scene again and it would be limiting to put your eggs all in one basket for someone who is long-distance.

[Lois_Griffin]

After sex, he still talked and talked, laughed, we went out to dinner, shopping...

Why do you find that so flattering? He'd flown there. It's not like he had his car and could get in it and leave. What else could he have done? He was there until it was time to go back to the airport.

Prior to coming out, he was very vocal that he just couldn't wait to be with me, and fantasizes about the day for so long.

Some men will go to amazing lengths to get laid. That's not news.

Well, when I took him to the airport. We hugged each other and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. All of his actions (after sex), were the opposite of what he said he had fantasizes about. And he's the type who would text quite a bit (excited to see you, you are so beautiful, great talking to you etc). And I got nothing afterward. So before his flight took off, I shot him a text to thank him for coming out and had a great time with him and that I wish him luck with everything since he is going through the divorce. His response was "you too! I can't thank you enough for everything, you're a wonderful person. And regardless what happens, I want to stay in each other's lives. Even when you meet someone I still want to be your friend."

He's basically thanking you for the sex and telling you to move on. I think a lot of the crap he was saying before he got there was really nothing more than a bit of fantasy as well as a way to prime you up for his visit.

 

Men aren't stupid. They know the right sweet words can pretty much get them what they want.

So that was just last week and haven't heard from him. Sorry, like I said it has been so long and I don't know how to read people, but I'm guessing he is rejecting me now. Your thoughts? And I'm assuming it's best that I just let it go and not try to contact him?

Come on. When a guy flies to see you and he can't even spend one freakin' DAY getting to know you and without it having to include sex, it's pretty obvious what he was after.

 

He filled your head with a bunch of fake, sugary promises about how much he wanted to see you and how enamored he was with you, then when he scratched his "itch," he just bided his time having dinner and shopping with you until he could get back on the plane and make you a memory.

 

You said yourself once the sex was over he was clearly disengaged from you.

 

Take that as your cue that he wasn't there for altruistic reasons. Maybe he's decided that now he's divorcing, he's going to experience everything he can that he wasn't able to when he was married, and sadly, you were just one of them.

 

I think it was rude and callous and very telling when he sent that text claiming he'd still like to be your friend even after you 'meet someone.'

 

The LAST thing I'd be doing is mooning over this jerk and wondering what went wrong. You did nothing wrong - except fall for a bunch of flowery words by a horny soon-to-be-divorced guy.

[Lexxi]

I wrote earlier his week about my friend I've known for 10 years who visited me last week, flew in for the day and we ended up having sex. I didn't think he actually "used" me for sex because we used to hook up all those years ago and he is absolutely gorgeous that he can pretty much get anyone he wanted in the state he lived in- why fly out to me?

 

I really appreciated the responses and it was great getting that feedback. But I find myself still upset about everything. Thing is, throughout the years, through our marriages, kids, being in separate states, we still managed to keep in touch. I had gotten rid of his information but he still kept mine, and has always been the one to initiate a conversation. For the past year, we've gotten into a couple of arguments, or I just wouldn't hear from him (always a month at he most), but no matter what, he would eventually text.

 

I'm wondering now that he's already seen me again that he feels no need to have a friendship with me, and honestly, it hurts. It's been a week now and not a peep from him.

 

I guess what I'm asking is based on my previous thread, and based on what I've written now, does it seem like one of those deals where the guy never disappeared before, but finally will since he was able to finally see me? I have always been the one to take a step back and not bother him but he would always text me eventually and maybe I should keep doing that. But the thought of him being completely gone forever actually hurts. I keep thinking of that text from him after dropping him off at the airport "regardless of what happens, I still want to be in each other's lives. Even when you meet someone I still want to be your friend." Wasn't sure when he was saying "regardless what happens".... With us? Or just with me, if I eventually get a boyfriend? Sorry, just not taking this rejection well, and I would be ok if it were just a random guy I just met, but he's not.

[ExpatInItaly]

Sorry you're hurting, OP. I participated in your last thread too, and can understand why you're upset.

 

Honestly, it seemed pretty clear from his "farewell" at the airport that it's not going to go further. Note he said he would still like to be friends when you meet a guy, not if.

 

To me, that indicates he's not planning on being that guy for you and was indirectly trying to say so.

[Satu]

You need to let the past be the past.

 

You are part of his past, and he is part of yours.

 

Neither of you fit into each others present.

 

On a different timeline maybe, but not on this one.

 

 

Take care.

[Dis]

I wrote earlier his week about my friend I've known for 10 years who visited me last week, flew in for the day and we ended up having sex. I didn't think he actually "used" me for sex because we used to hook up all those years ago and he is absolutely gorgeous that he can pretty much get anyone he wanted in the state he lived in- why fly out to me?

 

I really appreciated the responses and it was great getting that feedback. But I find myself still upset about everything. Thing is, throughout the years, through our marriages, kids, being in separate states, we still managed to keep in touch. I had gotten rid of his information but he still kept mine, and has always been the one to initiate a conversation. For the past year, we've gotten into a couple of arguments, or I just wouldn't hear from him (always a month at he most), but no matter what, he would eventually text.

 

I'm wondering now that he's already seen me again that he feels no need to have a friendship with me, and honestly, it hurts. It's been a week now and not a peep from him.

 

I guess what I'm asking is based on my previous thread, and based on what I've written now, does it seem like one of those deals where the guy never disappeared before, but finally will since he was able to finally see me? I have always been the one to take a step back and not bother him but he would always text me eventually and maybe I should keep doing that. But the thought of him being completely gone forever actually hurts. I keep thinking of that text from him after dropping him off at the airport "regardless of what happens, I still want to be in each other's lives. Even when you meet someone I still want to be your friend." Wasn't sure when he was saying "regardless what happens".... With us? Or just with me, if I eventually get a boyfriend? Sorry, just not taking this rejection well, and I would be ok if it were just a random guy I just met, but he's not.

 

Oh I'm sorry hun

 

I've been in a similar situtation...kind of. As in I know a guy that keeps coming back to me. I dated a guy last fall. He turned out to be a huge disappointment...we never had sex...thank god... but despite me ignoring him for months or weeks when I fell into a relationship....he always texted me....always wanted to get in touch. And like you I deleted his number all the time...I wouldnt ever consider dating him now because he's shown he's not relationship material but....he wont give up. We met up for drinks a few nights ago....hes amusing...but nothing more than that. He'll continue to keep texting me whether I text him back or not. He says we have something special...thats why we keep coming back to each other. BS.

 

I would say your guy will continue to text you but....he might be one of those men that loses interest once he has sex with a woman. Did you want casual sex??? It seems like you caught feelings for him....and thats hurting you now because he's lost interest. Thats one of the many reasons I wont have sex with the guy I mentioned

 

I think you mentioned in your last post that your divorced. Just a tip for you....if you're looking for something serious or have developed feelings for a guy...dont have sex with him outside a relationship. It just puts you in a bad position. But if you want casual sex...go for it.

 

 

I'm sorry you're hurt hun. But for your own peace of mind...I'd close the book on this....that way you wont be disappointed if you never hear from him again. Next time...unless you're just looking for casual sex....make sure he keeps it in his pants

Edited July 27, 2016 by Disillusionment373

[Lexxi]

You are all so great, thank you for your replies. I think despite him always coming back eventually, it appears this may actually be it since maybe he's always wondered how it would be to see me again- and he was finally able to and it just wasn't what he expected. Hope he doesn't decide to pop up after a few months. Wouldn't even know how to respond if that did happen.

[katiegrl]

You are all so great, thank you for your replies. I think despite him always coming back eventually, it appears this may actually be it since maybe he's always wondered how it would be to see me again- and he was finally able to and it just wasn't what he expected. Hope he doesn't decide to pop up after a few months. Wouldn't even know how to respond if that did happen.

 

Block him Lexxi. His emails/texts will be delivered somewhere out in cyber space.

 

You will never see them and therefore won't be tempted by anything he has to say.

[Dis]

You are all so great, thank you for your replies. I think despite him always coming back eventually, it appears this may actually be it since maybe he's always wondered how it would be to see me again- and he was finally able to and it just wasn't what he expected. Hope he doesn't decide to pop up after a few months. Wouldn't even know how to respond if that did happen.

 

You can protect yourself from this happening again by blocking him. If he does decide to come back around he'd just be playing with you...save yourself the heart ache hun

[Lexxi]

Yeah, a part of me wants to block him. The other part, I guess, just wants to see if he'll ever contact me again. Guess I'll always wonder if I do block him. I shouldn't dwell over this, I know...

[katiegrl]

Yeah, a part of me wants to block him. The other part, I guess, just wants to see if he'll ever contact me again. Guess I'll always wonder if I do block him. I shouldn't dwell over this, I know...

 

I can tell you from experience, that line of thinking will keep you STUCK.

 

Always wondering, wishing, hoping if/when you will ever hear from him.

 

Preventing you from ever moving on.

 

Do you want to help yourself move on?

 

Or remain stuck?

 

Your choice......

[azlightsout]

After sex, he still talked and talked, laughed, we went out to dinner, shopping... But I felt some sort of awkwardness and distance. Maybe he expected to feel something and he didn't? Prior to coming out, he was very vocal that he just couldn't wait to be with me, and fantasizes about the day for so long.

 

Could be a guilt trip on his part ... Still married , divorce not final ...

Did u come off as desperate ? This is a huge turn off ....

[Lexxi]

Could be a guilt trip on his part ... Still married , divorce not final ...

Did u come off as desperate ? This is a huge turn off ....

 

No, not all all. I know this would certainly be a turn off and I just kept it completely cool, talked to him the whole day like he was just a buddy. After we had sex, I never even tried once afterwards to even so much as touch him. Didn't even try to say anything to him either that would indicate that I was trying to sweet talk him or give him the idea I wanted to be in a relationship with him.

 

The only contact we had after sex was when we hugged each other when I dropped him off and he gave me a big kiss on the cheek.

 

I do know for a fact though, that he has been separated from his wife for almost two years, they do live in separate residences and it has just come to a head recently because he found out she was on dating sites and she has decided she wants to take part of his retirement fund.

Edited July 28, 2016 by Lexxi
Misspelled word

[SunnySide0418]

I wrote earlier his week about my friend I've known for 10 years who visited me last week, flew in for the day and we ended up having sex. I didn't think he actually "used" me for sex because we used to hook up all those years ago and he is absolutely gorgeous that he can pretty much get anyone he wanted in the state he lived in- why fly out to me?

 

I really appreciated the responses and it was great getting that feedback. But I find myself still upset about everything. Thing is, throughout the years, through our marriages, kids, being in separate states, we still managed to keep in touch. I had gotten rid of his information but he still kept mine, and has always been the one to initiate a conversation. For the past year, we've gotten into a couple of arguments, or I just wouldn't hear from him (always a month at he most), but no matter what, he would eventually text.

 

I'm wondering now that he's already seen me again that he feels no need to have a friendship with me, and honestly, it hurts. It's been a week now and not a peep from him.

 

I guess what I'm asking is based on my previous thread, and based on what I've written now, does it seem like one of those deals where the guy never disappeared before, but finally will since he was able to finally see me? I have always been the one to take a step back and not bother him but he would always text me eventually and maybe I should keep doing that. But the thought of him being completely gone forever actually hurts. I keep thinking of that text from him after dropping him off at the airport "regardless of what happens, I still want to be in each other's lives. Even when you meet someone I still want to be your friend." Wasn't sure when he was saying "regardless what happens".... With us? Or just with me, if I eventually get a boyfriend? Sorry, just not taking this rejection well, and I would be ok if it were just a random guy I just met, but he's not.

 

If it's bothering you this much ask gin. Tell him you noticed some distance are sex and you would just like to know what he was thinking. Then you have to let it go.

[azlightsout]

If it's bothering you this much ask gin. Tell him you noticed some distance are sex and you would just like to know what he was thinking. Then you have to let it go.

 

I agree -- quit the mind - reading B.S. and just flat out ask him whats the deal --- I AGREE

[tinkerbell16]

Yeah, a part of me wants to block him. The other part, I guess, just wants to see if he'll ever contact me again. Guess I'll always wonder if I do block him. I shouldn't dwell over this, I know...

 

some thing to help you... a woman who seeks no validation from another is truly a free woman.

 

he is only going to bring you more self doubt and pain...

 

block him

[Lexxi]

I thought as well, that he viewed things as just a FWB type relationship, but the only thing that makes me think somehow something went wrong, is the way he's acting now as opposed to how he acted these past couple of years prior to seeing me again. He used to ALWAYS ask me to come out to see him, to spend the weekend at his place, always pushed for a visit.

 

After it finally happened, that was it. No talk of how he enjoyed spending time with me, even as a friend, no talks of us getting together again, nothing.

 

I guess I'm asking if this is more so behavior that is indicative with someone who clearly NEVER intends on seeing or talking to me again. If he did, even just on a FWB level, wouldn't he have mentioned something like "we should hang out again soon"... "Maybe next time, you come out and I'll show you around" (which is something he used to say)... Sounds like no interest at all- on ANY level, correct?

 

Still in the air about whether or not to proceed with just blocking him, or having the courage to text him and just ask what's up.

[SunnySide0418]

I thought as well, that he viewed things as just a FWB type relationship, but the only thing that makes me think somehow something went wrong, is the way he's acting now as opposed to how he acted these past couple of years prior to seeing me again. He used to ALWAYS ask me to come out to see him, to spend the weekend at his place, always pushed for a visit.

 

After it finally happened, that was it. No talk of how he enjoyed spending time with me, even as a friend, no talks of us getting together again, nothing.

 

I guess I'm asking if this is more so behavior that is indicative with someone who clearly NEVER intends on seeing or talking to me again. If he did, even just on a FWB level, wouldn't he have mentioned something like "we should hang out again soon"... "Maybe next time, you come out and I'll show you around" (which is something he used to say)... Sounds like no interest at all- on ANY level, correct?

 

Still in the air about whether or not to proceed with just blocking him, or having the courage to text him and just ask what's up.

 

Just ask him!!! You have nothing to lose. You're wasting all this energy trying to assume what he was th thinking. Text him for closure then move on! Jmo

[Lexxi]

Ok, so I know it's almost been two weeks, and I really appreciate the advise given on here. You are all great and it was just what I needed, to just be told straight up what's really going on. And I know some of you said to block him, some say to just get in touch with him and ask him what's going on.

 

I still haven't heard from him, and still have not reached out to him to get a feel of what might've went wrong. And although I'm not as much of a mess and hurt as I was last week, I'm still left wondering. No, he's definitely not interested given the fact he has not tried to contact me, I do get that. But what bothers me is that I thought despite him not wanting anything to do with me anymore sexually, I was hoping he would still see me as a friend- 10 years is a long time to be friends, and it remained that way even after marriage, children, moving to different states, etc. so I thought that maybe. Just maybe I might be seen as a true friend versus being a girl he can sleep with and just forget about.

 

Guess I'm just venting, it's difficult to wrap my head around as I've never cared in the past about guys who just disappeared, but this one... His friendship does mean something to me other than just sex. It's truly not just about that, and I'm hurt that I may never hear from him again.

[katiegrl]

 

Our texts/conversations have been very intimate and we have talked about seeing each other again and for the first time in 10 years, we met again. He flew out to see me just for the day. We hit it off, talked as if we never parted as friends, and ended up having sex.

 

After sex, he still talked and talked, laughed, we went out to dinner, shopping... But I felt some sort of awkwardness and distance. Maybe he expected to feel something and he didn't? Prior to coming out, he was very vocal that he just couldn't wait to be with me, and fantasizes about the day for so long.

 

Well, when I took him to the airport. We hugged each other and he gave me a kiss on the cheek. All of his actions (after sex), were the opposite of what he said he had fantasizes about. And he's the type who would text quite a bit (excited to see you, you are so beautiful, great talking to you etc). And I got nothing afterward. So before his flight took off, I shot him a text to thank him for coming out and had a great time with him and that I wish him luck with everything since he is going through the divorce.

 

His response was "you too! I can't thank you enough for everything, you're a wonderful person. And regardless what happens, I want to stay in each other's lives. Even when you meet someone I still want to be your friend."

 

 

Lexxi, this pretty much says it all.

 

For ten years he fantasized about being with you... even throughout his marriage and other relationships, you were always on his mind. Wondering what it would be like being with you.

 

Then when it finally happened, he realized that the reality could not beat the fantasy and something within him, feelings he had, or thought he had, died.

 

So now that the fantasy has died, he has no reason to keep in touch... as the only reason he was remaining in touch, was NOT because he wanted to be your "friend," but because he always had a "thing" for you based on a brief moment you shared together ten years ago, that turned into a big fantasy for him.

 

Yes that was a rejection text. And he was trying to be gentle when saying he still wants to be your friend.

 

No need to be calling asking for clarification, he was very clear. It's over.

 

I am sorry it didn't work out... time heals, always.

 

Best of luck moving forward.

Edited August 3, 2016 by katiegrl

[Lexxi]

Thank you again, so much!

 

So I guess this means it's probably the best decision not to even reach out to him at all, as a friend, because he apparently saw me quite differently and I would just look desperate and creepy, right- and just accept that he's gone for good?