How long am I to accept consequences before moving on?

[Katie09]

Hello. I'm new here and this my first post.

 

Background: Husband (35) and I (34) have been married 5 years. Two years ago I had a gambling addiction. My husband found out and demanded that I stop. I secretly continued and eventually had to take a small loan out on the car to pay a bill that I gambling money away. Husband didn't know. He thought the bills were being paid on time while I struggled to keep above water. Eventually I couldn't anymore and we fell behind. I had to tell husband. It messed up both of our credit and we had to both file for bankruptcy, ruining our chances of buying a new house.

 

Husband was furious as expected and told me he wanted to divorce. We went to counseling and I apologized but he still wanted out of marriage. I continued to go to counseling alone in efforts to overcome my addiction.

 

For a couple months after he asked me to leave (it's his house). I tried for months to get him to work on he marriage and see that I had changed but he admitted it was too much to forgive and we were done. I accepted it and moved out. I filed divorce papers but he never signed them.

 

I continued to go to counseling for several months after. I overcame my addition and have no desire to gamble again. I was able to work through it with my therapist. I even began to move on from him and took responsibility for my faults in marriage. But I still REALLY REALLY missed him and regret leaving. But I didn't bother him.

 

Suprisingly he came back around after not speaking to me for months. Basically telling me how hurt he was by everything and that he still loved me. I admitted that I still loved him too. He said he wanted me to come back home.

 

I moved back in his home a month later and things were great. We made promises of how things would be different and we would communicate more. We were on a love high. Months later I became pregnant with first daughter.

 

Suddenly husband became distant. He didn't show affection as much. He seemed angry all of a sudden. I immediately thought he was cheating but this was not the case.

 

After confronting him, he admitted that he has not been able to forgive everything. That he was still resentful towards me. He said that he still hadn't gotten over the feelings of betrayal and it bothered him. He still loves me but does not know if he will ever get over it so it's best to divorce. I was devastated because I thought we had overcome this. But his feelings were valid because I did do something pretty bad. He said that he has been feeling this way for months but tried to suppress it in order to make us work.

 

It's been 2 months and we are still in the same house. He has completely shut me out. He sleeps in separate room. Doesn't call to check in with me throughout the day. Remained firm that he wants divorce. He declined my advance for sex staying that he didn't want to lead me on. He is clear that it's over but has not filed divorce. It is his house before marriage so I would be he one to leave.

 

This week he has said that he had began talking back to his ex in an effort vent but says it's nothing more than friends. I disagree and suspect more however, since he is open abut wanting divorce and that it's over, I don't think he considered it cheating. He never cheated in our marriage before.

 

He still wears his ring. I can tell that he still cares because he does small things like buy my favorite candy and put it in my lunch box. One night as I pretended to sleep on the couch, he covered me up and cut off the light. He still warms my car, etc.

 

Recently I suggested marriage counseling and he came with me. He insists that he can not forgive me and is only going because I asked and is sure it won't change his feelings. During the session he surprised me by saying he isn't 100% sure about divorce and he still loves me but he is embarrassed in front of family/friends for still being with me after I betrayed him so much. Everyone knew what I did and knew that he came back to me after that. His pride is hurt. He says he is not rushing to divorce but doesn't know if he can move on. I've tried to "nice" him and give space but nothing seems to work. He is still cold. It's only been two months.

 

My first instinct is to RUN. As far away as I can. Run like I did the first time He swore he was done with me. Swore that he couldn't move forward but then he came back around begging me back and he was even more hurt after I left that I could walk away so easily and not call to check on him. It seems me leaving did more damage than if I would've stayed and worked though it. I am not in a haste to leave now because of this only. (Similar to when a cheater cheats and the Betrayed spouse still wants the marriage but wants the other to prove themselves/show remorse first). When I easily walked away that made him think I didn't care which hurt him more.

 

There's still some hope there. I have apologized again and he seems to be lifting a bit but still insists he wants divorce. However he subconsciously speaks about a future with me. Example, I asked when he had planned on getting rid his old car that's been sitting. He said that he didn't because eventually WE would get a house with a garage. Small things like we need a new bedroom set. Etc. he does this in regular conversation but I notice it and he's possibly not completely checked out. Or it could only be a habit since we've been together for so long. He still says I love you.

We are still in couples counseling. I am also in individual therapy.

 

I know that I am at fault here with my past gambling addiction but I love my husband and want marriage to work. I am trying to be patient because I empathize and can tell that he's still deeply hurt. It seems to be more going on here but I could be wrong. It seems that he is confident that he wants a divorce only because his pride was hurt and he possibly wants me nurse it back, seems like he wants me to work harder to show that I've changed...or he could really be done. For those of you who have betrayed your spouse, how long did you deal with the consequences before you gave up hope that they would forgive and move forward? When do you accept that your efforts are too late and accept consequences?

 

What should I do? Is 2 months too soon to give up?

Edited November 10, 2016 by Katie09

[Pete2304]

Giving a view from the other side Katie.....I've been where your husband is at having been betrayed albeit in a different way. I tried to fix my marriage and in the end was ultimately betrayed again (not saying you would do that). However, it just didn't feel the same. I tried so hard to feel like I had done in the past but honestly looking back now a few weeks after we have separated for what is certainly the last time, I know in my heart it couldn't have been fixed.

 

It's not pride so much as just being able to look at the person in your life with that feeling of utterly adoring them and once that's gone, whilst many marriages and relationships will still carry on, it's never the same. That raw passion has gone for him. Of course he still loves you, you have hardly committed the worst crime in the world but he's lost "it".

 

I reckon if you keep trying he will give in and give things another go. He might do that two or three times over but ultimately you can't force someone to love you. I too kept my wedding ring on and avoided telling family and friends because they would have just told me to end things once and for all but also because I didn't want to accept the reality that the dream I thought I had was over.

 

The only hope you have is to keep proving yourself and do the little things for him, just small gestures you know will mean something to him and try to learn to laugh together again. Be sweet, be funny, be the woman he fell in love with but don't try and force it. Good luck to you, I know all about gambling having been in the industry for years on and off and having been there and gotten all the t shirts so I know it doesn't mean you are a bad person or a fool. All the best

[Jersey born raised]

Are you still pregnant? Did you have a daughter? Not sure of your timeline, could you clarify?

 

Could the responsiblities of fatherhood be driving his behavior, note not just financial?

 

Could saying the gambling is no longer a problem be adding to his actions? Alcoholics use the term wet or dry. Do gambling addicts similar terminology?

 

By the way him talking with his ex is no different then you hanging out at a race track.

[Katie09]

I have had our daughter already. She is approaching 6 months old. Fatherhood could be a contributing factor but I think the withdrawal started before I had her (while I was pregnant) now that I think back.

 

I have no desire to gamble and have been clean for almost a year.

 

I agree that talking to his ex is a major no no but because he has broken things off with me verbally and hasn't been engaging physically or emotionally with me, he has already separated himself from me so he sees nothing wrong there. Is living together is a technicality only because I haven't left yet.

 

Once again under an circumstance I would leave but me leaving the first time did more damage than good.

 

I'm not sure how to proceed.

[OatsAndHall]

Your gambling addiction may have done damage to your marriage but I guess I cannot see how your husband couldn't forgive you for it as you have admitted to the mistake and have taken many proactive steps in the problem. Yes, there is a broken trust there but you haven't made any excuses for your behavior and have worked hard to fix it. I don't understand why your husband can't forgive your for it, especially given that you two now have a baby to think about.

 

It doesn't sound like he's willing to move on and wants the divorce. I would just accept it and move on, as hard as it may be.

[kgcolonel]

Katie,

 

I do think a couple of months is too soon to expect a significant turn....his sense of betrayal may take a year or more of seeing you make amends...are you attending GA? This would be a huge change in behavior to help him see your commitment to change. Also, I would suggest you two continue with MC as it seemed to have helped bring some of the issues to the surface before. You can't expect these issues to be resolved if not addressed and a good MC can mediate and guide you to healthy discussions as to how to rebuild the relationship and trust. Your daughter deserves this effort and because the betrayal was on your side, you need to show him that your ready, willing and actively doing the heavy lifting to rebuild a safe home for your daughter.

[Pete2304]

I have had our daughter already. She is approaching 6 months old. Fatherhood could be a contributing factor but I think the withdrawal started before I had her (while I was pregnant) now that I think back.

 

I have no desire to gamble and have been clean for almost a year.

 

I agree that talking to his ex is a major no no but because he has broken things off with me verbally and hasn't been engaging physically or emotionally with me, he has already separated himself from me so he sees nothing wrong there. Is living together is a technicality only because I haven't left yet.

 

Once again under an circumstance I would leave but me leaving the first time did more damage than good.

 

I'm not sure how to proceed.

 

Scared to death of leaving because then he's truly left to his own devices but by staying you can at least cling on to the cliff edge a little longer?

[Jersey born raised]

Hi Pete,

 

No scared he will be a failure to provide and have to wake every morning knowing he has and will continue to fail. Her actions give him a out, that he would have succeeded if only.... Either that or he is truely a scum bag to the degree he does not care if his daughter starves. The type that would pimp out a child.

 

The poster has not mentioned what type, if any, child support support he has offered. It is the begining of winter, where will she live. She has not mentioned in any detail his interaction with his daughter.

[mikeylo]

2 months is very less ! He was betrayed twice. Once when he found out and he told you to stop. But you continued and betrayed him again. Now he is waiting for the third blow !

 

Trust is gone and your expectations are high. He is not being able to deal with being betrayed twice. 2 months is nothing in scheme of big things.

[Pete2304]

As I eluded to in my first reply, I've worked in the gambling industry pretty much my whole professional life. I took a job in a betting shop to help fund me through uni then carried on after I gained my degree. The degree was in journalism and eventually found some work as a horse racing correspondent. I have also spent two years of my life gambling professionally as my only source of income and was very successful at it until illness put a stop to that so I've seen it from all angles. I've seen lives ruined, I've seen the highs and the lows and felt the unique buzz that comes from winning. I wish the OP's partner could see what I've seen because he would know that a gambling addiction doesn't make a person bad. Yes gamblers lie, yes that's wrong but I've seen some very good, truly nice people lose their way in life through gambling and I would love to think this might work out. I would suggest a conversation even over the phone on speaker if necessary with GA so your partner can see you aren't the first or the last to have gotten into this situation.

[Katie09]

My addiction was 2 years ago (2014). I haven't gambled since shortly after starting weekly therapy 2 years ago. I moved out the home during this same time after months of him demanding divorce, requesting I leave, being hot and cold, until eventually I said enough. I filed. He didn't sign.

 

(2015) Almost a year later and a year of being clean, husband came back around. I still loved him so I was open. We talked about it for a while then I moved back.

 

(2016) After 2 years of being clean, he brings it back up and says that he resents me because he still has lingering effects from it such as credit hits. I cannot understand why he begged me back only to change his mind again. He was really passionate (crying/yelling) about his resentment when we discussed his reasons for wanting divorce.

 

I love him and want it to work but I cannot continue to live in this home when we do not speak much. I haven't had any intimacy (hugs, sex, kiss, long conversations) in a few weeks. He doesn't seem in love with me anymore besides the few strange times he kisses me in my sleep (weird). I am made to be the villain.

 

He has a good relationship with my daughter. I would not ask for (legal) child support unless I have too. All payments would be worked out through us unless he doesn't follow through and I need formal support order in place. I work too so I would be able to support myself but have little money left to spare for now.

 

I am becoming unhappy in the home. I want my husband to sleep in the bed with me. Normal things we did a few months ago.

 

I just wonder how long is enough time to be forgiven before moving on

[Pete2304]

Is there a chance he's using this as an excuse to call it a day? I've been avoiding saying it to you but.....

[BluesPower]

This is my experience...

 

Most people here think that infidelity is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. And it is one of the worst things ever, not doubt.

 

My wife and I have both dealt with that and it sucked super bad.

 

But for me, I found out 2 years ago about my wife's drug addiction that was hidden and lasted for about 15 to 20 years. We have been married 26.

 

She got sober about 20 months ago. I am still not over it. We have been on the edge of divorce the whole time that I have know what was going on all of those years. I now realize that all the strange behavior and what-not was because of her drug addiction.

 

For me, basically I feel like she stole the best years of my life from me. I spent 20 years, raising 3 kids alone for the most part, being the sole bread winner, and taking care of someone that was "Sick" but I could not figure out what it was that was causing this.

 

Your gambling and her drug addiction are your affairs. Whether you or your husband realize it or not, you have been having an affair with gambling and my wife had a 20 year affair with drugs. It is the same type of betrayal for the spouse.

 

My wife and I have a crazy deep love, I don't understand it and neither does our marriage counselor. I have never actually loved another woman, I have been with a lot, even while married, but only loved her.

 

So what I am saying is that there is a chance for your marriage just like there is still a chance for mine.

 

You should read all the stuff on LS about helping your spouse heal from an affair. It is the same behavior, it could really help.

 

I wish you the best...

[Just a Guy]

Hi Katie, I guess your situation is really a very sad one. I wanted to ask you how you got your gambling addiction and what kind of gambling were you indulging in? I hope you have been able to cure yourself of the addiction and do not have any residual desires to go back to it. Addiction of any kind is a disease which manifests itself in different ways(addictions). As such those who are close to you have to realize that they are dealing with a sick person much in the same way that someone may have a long standing debilitating disease. Has your husband been to counsellors who can give him this perspective so that he has a deeper understanding of the problem that afflicted you?

 

On the other hand you should treat your betrayal of his trust in the same way as if you had an affair. The external manifestations of both are very similar. Lying, hiding things, being sly and conniving, are present in both forms of betrayals. Also the fact that your addiction led to both of you losing your credit worthiness must have hit him hard. For no fault of his he lost his credit worthiness and you were the person responsible for it. If you had been cheating on him and brought back an STD to infect him the effect would have been similar. In one case he would have been physically affected and in this case his self esteem has been shot through. If this be the case you have to work to re establish the trust that has been lost. This means you would have to apply the same rules as a cheating wife wanting to reconcile with her husband would have to adopt. You would have to do the heavy lifting and prove to him that you have kicked the addiction and show him in so many ways that you cherish him and value him and are prepared to move heaven and earth to win him back. From what you have written I do not think he has checked out of the marriage completely. Those little things that you mention indicate that hr still cares deeply for you. As others have said two months is just too short a time. He may take a year or two to get back on the rails. You can continue to love him and care for him through this. Try asking him out on a date or go out on a day trip with him and your daughter. Think of innovative ways to engage him. I do not think you two are done yet. More power to you. Cheers.

[Mr. Lucky]

I just wonder how long is enough time to be forgiven before moving on

 

Interesting question. I have an adult child who's an addict and their timeline pretty closely mirrors yours, have been clean for two years now.

 

And I get the same question from this person whom I love but who lied to me, stole from me and did almost every thing to break the bond - "when will you trust me again"?

 

And the only honest answer is "when I no longer don't trust you".

 

I get how hard you've worked, congratulations on two years being clean. But, from my POV, you seem impatient. It takes what it takes, it's a long process.

 

If you can't deal with the admittedly hard consequences then you should consider moving on from the marriage. Were you to stay together, 10 years from now it will still be a (hopefully much smaller) factor, that's just the reality.

 

Hope you get what you want ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[BluesPower]

What lucky said...

 

I am not sure if I will ever trust my wife again. I think she can stay sober, maybe, but I am not sure I can ever trust her.