butters6 Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 I start at day seven post break-up because that’s when I decided to start writing. My life has gone in a complete downward spiral, and I cannot tell you where it began. So this post will be all about before the break up. Precisely one year and three months ago in August of 2015 I began seeing the man of my dreams. It was a miracle. This handsome well put together man that was super popular in high school as a senior boy, while I was this average freshman girl never even gave a time of day wanted me eight years later. I knew he had a past that wasn't exactly picture perfect, but I thought it was precisely in the past. He has a son who is the greatest kid I have ever met. I am going to name my ex Ed just for a name. Ed swept me off my feet. We were living together within a little over a month of dating. The only flaw I could find in him was that he and his sons mother had been in a on and off again relationship for 6 years. They split right before Ed and I met. I always felt like there was a part of him stuck in regret of not making that relationship work. Eventually I would find I was right. Ed had been an addict for 10+ years. He was clean and so I thought that stage was well behind him. Those years of drugs were what tore his family apart. They resented each other so much. This time they were really over, and Ed felt the blame that his son didn’t have that well rounded family. It was a major factor of how our relationship was founded on. As time went on it got better. He really started opening up to me and trusting in me. Suddenly he started to change. He started smoking pot again, and I did not really know how an addict works. I didn’t realize that smoking pot for him, was just a beginning. He had an amazing job. And he slowly started just smoking more and more everyday. I found out in November that I was pregnant. It wasn’t exactly something we wanted, but we were ready to accept what was and move ahead together. All of sudden he just got fired from his job. He started hanging out with people I knew were trouble. He started drifting. He would nod off all the time. He would not care about anything anymore. As Christmas approached he still did not have a new job. We scraped buy on my waitressing job. I knew something was up, and I stressed out. On December 23, I woke up and went to the bathroom and discovered blood. I had finally felt happy about this pregnancy. I was excited to be a mommy, and I didn’t really know Ed was that bad off. I thought it was a phase. I immediately called the doctor and later that day found I was miscarrying. My world was shaken. You do not know emptiness until one day you hear your babies heart beat, and the next it is just gone. I didn’t let it consume me. I held it in. Ed is NOT an emotional being what so ever. And he just was fine. I didn’t want to seem weak so I just pushed it all down. As time went on Ed started getting worse. He started not caring about anyone but himself. Come mid January I knew he was on bigger drugs. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know how. He wouldn’t admit it even if he did. I loved this man for some reason, and I couldn’t leave. I stayed, and I watched the man I love throw his life away yet again. He started working with me at my job just so we could have money for our bills, but of course I didn’t see that money. It went to more heroin or cocaine. I confided in his parents because they know that addict side of him and confirmed they had those thoughts too. By the end of February his sons mom knew too and she wouldn’t allow him to see his son anymore. He was hitting bottom. Stealing and lying. I hated this person he became, but I loved the man I loved and I stayed. Finally mid March something happened inside of him and one day he just broke down. He came clean to me. He was surprised I knew. And he was more surprised I wanted to stay. Every person has always left him until be got clean again. I was the one staying up in the night when the withdrawals were consuming him. I supported him, I drove him 30 minutes away daily to go to meetings. He really dived into his religion. And for me that was hard because yes I went to church as a kid, but I never really accepted God. I just didn’t understand. This die hard meeting going and church going lasted for awhile. I take blame that I just wasn’t trying to get involved. And I think that partly pulled him away from it. And I hate myself for it. I don’t really remember when the drinking started picking back up. I know by June we were moving out of our apartment into my grandparents old home. At this point the drinking picked up to everyday again. I used to be a big drinker, and when we first met we drank together. But after my miscarriage I just couldn’t stomach it anymore. I n the beginning of July he finally got another decent job. Life really started to get good. We got along great. I wanted to marry this man. I had learned while watching him struggle, and then pick himself up that he was it for me. I would NEVER stick through so much for someone that I did not love. We discussed the future a lot. One day we would get married. And I got so excited once those conversations began. I wanted to marry this man. Not any man, this man. I wanted to be a step mom. And I wanted to take care of this man for the rest of my life. He talked me into quitting my job one day when they were treating me bad. I became a house wife basically. And I sucked at it. He resented me for that. I was lazy. He was working 8-10 hours a day and I couldn’t put up his clothes. I sucked. I had dinner on the table when he got home, but that was about all I could do. Anyway drinking started to get kind of heavy. One night on the way home from bowling with his cousins and friends he was very intoxicated and we started arguing about something stupid and he got mad and started punching things in my car and trying to destroy it in rage so I stuck my arm out and hit him in the chest begging him to stop. That was the first time he ever laid a hand on me. By the end of the night I had to call his mom to come help me calm him down. I had a bloody nose. The door was kicked in. It wasn’t a pretty sight. After this incident there were a few more instances of physical altercations, but I honestly cant remember the specifics. Most of the time it was words. There were times where he would say in rage that he never loved me, and wanted his family back. But his sons mom is very happily in love and pregnant with her boyfriend. He slapped me across my face one time in a fight. And I had a lot of bruises from another fight but they were finger pads like he was grabbing me. The drinking kept going, but finally the fighting stopped. He stopped getting drunk as often. Just a beer or two after work. We started clicking together again. A month or so later I was saying how I wanted a baby. And we weren’t really trying, but once or twice we weren’t as careful as normal. In September I found out I was pregnant yet again. This time was completely different. We were SO excited. I was silently celebrating daily. And he was Happy too. My first miscarriage pregnancy I was sick 5 times a day and it was miserable. This pregnancy was AWESOME compared. I wasn’t throwing up. My boobs hurt, and I was nauseated every once in awhile. Ed had to go out of town for a week for storm work after a hurricane. The day he left I went to the store and my car smelled like pot really bad. I didn’t know why. I don’t smoke pot so I knew it wasn’t me. I mentioned it to him but it went away. While he was gone we would text and we missed each other so much. As he was on his way home the pot got brought up again. Things never really went back to good after that. I had a bad feeling about the pregnancy all of a sudden. I was worried about Ed slipping back to drugs. I stressed myself out. We were bickering so much he didn’t even get his son that weekend because he didn’t want him around that. On Monday he was supposed to get him and take him to Chuck E Cheese. I was having terrible cramps in stomach. I called the doctor and they were concerned. I got so angry he wouldn’t push back going to Chuck E Cheese a hour or two to go to the doctor with me. I was selfish. I wanted someone there for me. He didn’t want to go. He said somewhere along the way I started acting different around his son. The truth is I did. I was jealous after my first miscarriage. I wanted a baby. I regret it so much because it’s a major reason we aren’t together now. Anyway I found out I was having another miscarriage. Life stopped. I didn’t want to go through this again. And he just doesn’t know how to handle me. He asked me to buy some pot one time so he could blow some steam. I wasn’t okay with it but I just said I cant stop you. I left the house in tears when his son came over one night. It was the night after I found out I lost the baby and I couldn’t handle hearing those little kid giggles and happiness. I was so mad at myself for stressing out so much, that I lost the baby because of that stress. He didn’t understand that. He was so mad I left that night and didn’t acknowledge his son. I love his son so much. I just didn’t want to break down there. It wasn’t that little boys fault. After that we argued every day for a week. I felt I wasn’t allowed to feel about the baby. So I took it out on him. I got mad at him for EVERYTHING. I was being a crazy bitch, but I was grieving. It sent him over the edge. One day he was talking about leaving me and I was crazy. I didn’t want him to leave, but I was still being a nut. That night he was screaming at me as usual. He left to go to the gas station before the World Series game, and he came back happier then ever. I caught him nodding off outside. I then started thinking realizing that the signs had been there this whole time. We were not having sex at all, when we usually did a lot. He suddenly stopped drinking about a week before that. He was angry all the time. His money was disappearing. I knew. He told me he wasn’t high, then tried to say it was just pot. He wouldn’t tell the truth until I was walking out the door to buy a drug test he bought pills. He claimed it was the first time. He got angry with me and was screaming and slapping me and calling me awful names. The next day he came in like nothing happened. Then asked where his clean underwear was and I said I didn’t know I hadn’t done laundry in a week. I was depressed. He just snapped. Throwing things and calling me names. I told him I was done, which I did everytime, but I never meant it. Then he just started attacking me. He was beating the crap out of me. I hit back a couple times when I was scared and didn’t know what else to do. He wouldn’t stop. At one point I was laying on the kitchen floor coughing up blood. He punched me kicked me and put me in choke holds. I was trying to run but he wouldn’t let me. He was afraid id call the cops. He finally told his mom to come get him and it was over. He left. He was gone. He took a few things. Said he wasn’t coming back. I didn’t believe it would really happen. A few hours later I found myself texting him to come back but he wouldn’t do it. He was ashamed, and he had realized he stopped loving me somewhere along the way. I don’t know if there was more drugs before that or what. He has something bigger then that that made him lose it. I shouldn’t want the man who took my love for granted back. I should be happy hes gone. I was stunned he didn’t want to come home. He has no car, no house so hes living with his parents. He doesn’t like spending money on bills. I thought in a week he would be begging to come back, but he hasn’t come home. Ive begged and begged to fix this. To try one more time to work past all this, but he doesn’t want to. He has told me I did nothing wrong, and what he did was unacceptable. And hes also blamed me saying I changed around his kid, and I was pressuring him to marry me when he wasn’t ready. And I did pressure him. Then again later he said he left because he might flip again, and he cant do that to me again. I cant describe how broken I am. I don’t know why. Why do I want this monster back…..its because I love the man, not this monster. He has to many demons. He has never taken time to try to figure those out. My next post I am going to analyze all of this.
Miss Clavel Posted November 30, 2016 Posted November 30, 2016 he hits you. he beats you. he lies. he's an addict. run away. run run run, far far away. quit your job and move. preferably, several states away. he is just using that crap about you "treating his son differently" as an excuse. no matter how many times he says it, it doesn't make it true. under the best of circumstances, you are not good for his recovery. he needs to quit drink and drugs, on his own. it's a very selfish process and a journey he needs to take, alone. i believe it was the grace of god that your pregnancies did not continue. god is giving you a second chance to leave this addicted woman beater without having to take a baby along on this nightmare ride to the hospital or the undertaker. love doesn't hurt, love doesn't bleed. and the number one way to bring love into your life is to start loving yourself. to that end. get your suitcase out and start packing. get in the car. go by the bank and close your account. go by the hock shop and sell any valuables you have. go to the gas station and buy some gasoline and a map. follow the map to freedom, peace and healing. you do not have to raise this man or his other child. you have to look after yourself. if you do not, the next time he's in a drug fueled rage he might possibly take one of your eyes out. smash your head to brain damage or out right kill you. you matter to others, siblings or parents and how the hell are they going to deal with the fact that you threw your life away for nothing. cuz what you two have is not LOVE. it's codependence. let him go. he at least has the smallest of self awareness and he knows he is not good for you. and truthfully, he's never been good for you. you have to leave. you just have to. good luck 1
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