Forgiveness, it's a long path

[KimJ1234]

Hi, I'm new here. I thought I'd share my story since the marriage and the forgiveness is a work in progress.

 

My husband and I have two daughters, 10 and 7 yrs old.

We've been married 11 years now. Together since we were teens.

 

Around 2 years ago I snooped on my husband's cell and found a text from a women with her posing half nude. I flew off the handle and he said she hit on him at a bar and that was it.

 

I became very suspicious and a week later another text from a different women came in asking for him to come over. I wrote down the name and number and confronted him. By that time he had deleted the text, said it was the wrong number.

 

I knew he was lying so I had him call the number and put it on speaker phone while I stood there.

She answered and it was obvious he had screwed around with her. She mentioned something about giving him oral.

 

He admitted to sleeping with her but I suspected more...then a month later after constant badgering from me admitted to having a threesome with her and another girl.

We'd gone to counseling but more "truths" kept emerging.

 

I always felt there was more he wasn't telling me.

 

A few more months later I told him that I wanted him to get a lie detector done and he finally told me the whole truth.

 

For about 5 years of our marriage he had been having sex with random women. He's not sure exactly how many.

 

My life crumbled...everything crushed.

 

He also told me about some bad sexual things that happened to him as a child. Because of this he's viewed other women as objects only, with no respect.

 

From there I told him he needed to see his own counselor apart from the marriage.

 

It really helped us and helped him realize the impact of his actions.

 

I know he's been faithful to me since I found out from that first text. I've watched everything like a hawk. I've also learned to trust my gut.

 

For a long time I asked myself why I'm staying in this marriage. At first it was for the kids/financial reasons.

 

I know a lot of outside people wouldn't understand or think I'm an idiot for staying.

 

I felt like that a lot.

 

The truth is, I know in my heart he's sorry. I couldn't have stayed if I doubted his remorse. He has told me he'll spend the rest of his life proving to me how much he loves me and how sorry he is.

 

This path of forgiveness hasn't been easy for me. The days are very slowly getting better but I find myself slipping back into an uncontrollable anger sometimes. I'm having a rough few days, but he's been there and I've cried on his shoulder a lot.

There's times when I question if I've made the right decision but I love him and he's changed so much for the better.

He makes me feel loved again.

The crazy thing is we're probably closer emotionally and physically now than we've ever been.

 

Some things I've learned along the way:

-there's no such thing as soul mates. This could be a good thing

 

-both partners need to concentrate on meeting the needs of the other, don't just concentrate on your own.

 

-if something is wrong, speak up. Don't bottle it up.

 

-an affair can make the marriage stronger if both parties learn from it and work incredibly hard to fix the weaknesses.

 

-I'm a hell of a lot more forgiving than I thought.

Edited November 9, 2016 by KimJ1234

[BluesPower]

Actually, you sound pretty good overall.

 

I would not feel guilty about the emotions coming and going. That is just the way that it is.

 

It is a rough thing though, if he is remorseful that is the only way, because I have seen the other way and it just does not work.

 

You sound healthy, keep it up...

[KimJ1234]

Thanks Blues.

 

I told him from the beginning I may never love, trust, or respect him again but he said he's still willing to work on it if I am.

 

Trust: The trust isn't there yet. I don't know if it ever will be again like it used to be. I guess time will tell.

 

Respect: I respect him for his honesty, even though it took time. I also respect his determination in being the best husband/ father he can be.

 

Love: I love him but it seems like a different kind now. It feels like I was immature in thinking that marriage was easy and we were "soulmates" so we didn't have to put in the work. The love has matured, I don't take it for granted anymore.

 

Like I said, I'm having a "down" week though so a lot of doubts are going through my head. My focus is keep looking forward instead of dwelling on the past.

 

It's the only way for me.

[BTDT2012]

I don't have the same level of respect that I once had for my husband. I do have a level of forgiveness that I never thought I could have. It is hard work.

[aileD]

I can relate a lot to you, especially the past sexual Abuse of your H.

 

It affected mine too. I also chose to stay and am learning some of the same things you are in your marriage.

 

I'm only 10 weeks into it so thanks for giving me hope. So many people are so pessimistic because he was really awful to me....

 

But we are working together and there is hope

[LastAcorn99]

Aww…i’m so sorry about your situation, Kim. You are such a strong woman, and I truly appreciate you. Your story is so encouraging, thank you so much for sharing. I’ll be praying for your family’s journey ahead. God bless your forgiving and generous heart. Your husband, and your girls, are truly blessed to have you in their lives. Please continue to stay strong -- hugs.

[waterwoman]

2 years isn't long enough to forgive. Not truly forgive in your heart. I felt like I forgave my H within a few months - it was just a way of deflecting some of the pain and offering stability. It wasn't real. I found this out again and again as I had bad times and cried, shouted, said hurtful things many times. He was STILL the enemy. As time went by the day to day got easier and happier but the the anger was still there underneath lke bubbling lava under a green peaceful mountain.

 

True forgiveness and vulnerability came around the 4 year mark. i can't tell you what happened to make it come, I can't even tell you exactly when it did. It seemed to just grow silently and gradually until I realised one day the pain and the anger were gone. Don't rush it, don't push for it just be patient.

 

As for what you 'should' do - it doesn't matter what you should do, just what you want to do and what you can do. No-one knows your marriage, your mind or your H better than you. Do NOT let anyone else decide your future.

 

If he is remorseful, if he has changed, you have the perfect opportunity to rebuild if that is what you want to do. Just don't expect to feel 100% better for now. Good luck x

[KimJ1234]

Aww…i’m so sorry about your situation, Kim. You are such a strong woman, and I truly appreciate you. Your story is so encouraging, thank you so much for sharing. I’ll be praying for your family’s journey ahead. God bless your forgiving and generous heart. Your husband, and your girls, are truly blessed to have you in their lives. Please continue to stay strong -- hugs.

 

Thank you, I appreciate the kind words!

[KimJ1234]

2 years isn't long enough to forgive. Not truly forgive in your heart. I felt like I forgave my H within a few months - it was just a way of deflecting some of the pain and offering stability. It wasn't real. I found this out again and again as I had bad times and cried, shouted, said hurtful things many times. He was STILL the enemy. As time went by the day to day got easier and happier but the the anger was still there underneath lke bubbling lava under a green peaceful mountain.

 

True forgiveness and vulnerability came around the 4 year mark. i can't tell you what happened to make it come, I can't even tell you exactly when it did. It seemed to just grow silently and gradually until I realised one day the pain and the anger were gone. Don't rush it, don't push for it just be patient.

 

As for what you 'should' do - it doesn't matter what you should do, just what you want to do and what you can do. No-one knows your marriage, your mind or your H better than you. Do NOT let anyone else decide your future.

 

If he is remorseful, if he has changed, you have the perfect opportunity to rebuild if that is what you want to do. Just don't expect to feel 100% better for now. Good luck x

 

Your right, I don't feel like I've truly forgiven yet. I want to, but I'm not there. I'd hate to think I'm still this angry in another 5 years.

 

Most days I'm good but there's triggers. I'm not great at vocalizing my emotions so there's some built up anger and doubt. He's helping me with talking through it.

 

There's been a lot of times I wanted revenge, especially the first year. I wanted to sleep with someone just so he knew what it felt like. I wanted to hurt him a lot.

 

I never did get revenge and I'm glad I didn't, it would've made things so much worse.

 

There was one night after a long talk where he REALLY broke down crying. He sobbed so hard I was actually scared for him, thought he might be suicidal or something. It sounds bad but I was relieved at that moment to see him really hurt. I felt like he finally got it.

 

That was the moment I could move on from the 'revenge' stage and look forward.

[mikeylo]

His true remorse and your true forgiveness can make it possible to rebuild. It's easy for me to write it but it's very hard to do it in real life.

 

The major load is on your husband. He has a lot to do to get your trust , love , respect back. Without these, your forgiveness wouldn't do anything. Again , all this was always there from your side but wasn't from his end. He will have to start all over again from the little things to the major ones.

 

Yeah, to the triggers. Does he chat to random women , share ' interesting' stuff on phone , social media , make his job to make them laugh etc etc ? Even if he or you don't realize, these things could trigger you , even if they didn't earlier. He needs to stop all that immediately. No excuses. Triggers reopen the wounds and involuntarily you take 20 steps back.

 

Revenge thing wouldn't have done anything good. Rather he would have said that now we are on level playing field! No remorse, no working together to fix.

 

Treat each other as getting to know like you first dated. It works for some.

[KimJ1234]

His true remorse and your true forgiveness can make it possible to rebuild. It's easy for me to write it but it's very hard to do it in real life.

 

The major load is on your husband. He has a lot to do to get your trust , love , respect back. Without these, your forgiveness wouldn't do anything. Again , all this was always there from your side but wasn't from his end. He will have to start all over again from the little things to the major ones.

 

Yeah, to the triggers. Does he chat to random women , share ' interesting' stuff on phone , social media , make his job to make them laugh etc etc ? Even if he or you don't realize, these things could trigger you , even if they didn't earlier. He needs to stop all that immediately. No excuses. Triggers reopen the wounds and involuntarily you take 20 steps back.

 

Revenge thing wouldn't have done anything good. Rather he would have said that now we are on level playing field! No remorse, no working together to fix.

 

Treat each other as getting to know like you first dated. It works for some.

 

 

He works in the steel trades so there's no women at his job and he doesn't use Facebook or any social sites.

 

I did however find an account on Match.com that he set up during his affairs. He never received any hits on it though but that made me check out all the dating websites.

 

I hate finding new evidence, just when you start to forgive. It's a kick in the stomach.

This is why I check everything now.

 

I know he has a lot of work ahead of him to earn my trust, but thats part of the cost of forgiveness.

[mikeylo]

 

I hate finding new evidence, just when you start to forgive. It's a kick in the stomach.

This is why I check everything now.

 

I know he has a lot of work ahead of him to earn my trust, but thats part of the cost of forgiveness.

 

Apart from new evidence , unfortunately, he might be finding new ways to continue his side thrill. Some men find it hard to give up the side dishes. For you , it's a huge set back and literally taking a step back but for your relationship itself it's going backwards. The entire effort of moving forward, gets back to square one.

 

Your checking on him is going to drain you out and lose your sanity. If someone is going to cheat , they will cheat right under your nose. But you can't ignore the red flags either.

 

I sometimes wonder how these cheaters will behave of the roles were reversed?

[beautiful_day]

For five years of your marriage he has cheated on you with so many women he has lost count. How on earth do you begin to forgive something like that?

 

When we have been cheated on, we are left in a constant state of high anxiety which is a living hell. We think if we could just forgive, then everything would just go back to normal, and we would have peace.

 

But of course the logical part of our brain keeps screaming "danger" no matter how many reconciliation post we read to try to convince ourselves otherwise.

 

Your house is burning, and the one person that you trusted to protect you set the fire. And he's trying to convince you everything is fine now, and you are squeezing your eyes shut because you can't bear to see your beautiful home in flames.

 

So I'm asking you, if your house was on fire, what is the first thing you would do?

[KimJ1234]

For five years of your marriage he has cheated on you with so many women he has lost count. How on earth do you begin to forgive something like that?

 

When we have been cheated on, we are left in a constant state of high anxiety which is a living hell. We think if we could just forgive, then everything would just go back to normal, and we would have peace.

 

But of course the logical part of our brain keeps screaming "danger" no matter how many reconciliation post we read to try to convince ourselves otherwise.

 

Your house is burning, and the one person that you trusted to protect you set the fire. And he's trying to convince you everything is fine now, and you are squeezing your eyes shut because you can't bear to see your beautiful home in flames.

 

So I'm asking you, if your house was on fire, what is the first thing you would do?

 

Like I said, I don't expect everyone to understand.

 

After reading many posts on here it looks like many people's first response or instinct is to divorce.

 

I'm sure that's the best answer in many cases but there's also circumstances where forgiveness is an option.

 

I have two young children and I believe strongly in trying everything possible to save the marriage, provided it is a healthy home for the children.

 

You asked me what the first thing I would do if my house was on fire? If everyone is safe I would try to save it if possible:)

Edited November 16, 2016 by KimJ1234

[KimJ1234]

IMO throwing in the towel would've been the easier option.

 

If it doesn't work out then at least I'll know I sincerely tried.

[mzdolphin]

Apart from new evidence , unfortunately, he might be finding new ways to continue his side thrill. Some men find it hard to give up the side dishes. For you , it's a huge set back and literally taking a step back but for your relationship itself it's going backwards. The entire effort of moving forward, gets back to square one.

 

Your checking on him is going to drain you out and lose your sanity. If someone is going to cheat , they will cheat right under your nose. But you can't ignore the red flags either.

 

I sometimes wonder how these cheaters will behave of the roles were reversed?

 

I have to agree. The checking on him will make you crazy. I speak from experience on both sides. I was a BS and the OW.

 

As BS I went nuts and finally ended out marriage after it became clear he no longer wanted the same things.

 

I became an OW not by choice. He lied about being divorced and all the evidence supported his claim (living in another state, on his own, we weren't hiding, I could call him, stay at his place etc.).

 

But when I discovered he was indeed married, I confronted him and he gave me lame excuse that he had filed and it wasn't final. I informed the wife.

 

Months later, he was calling again and we had on and off affair for another four years. It trailed off over the years with me "ending it" a few times and finally breaking free three years ago.

 

I don't know what line he gave his wife or how she checked on him. But he didn't seem to have any problem continuing the affair. They've been married 20 years.

 

I think BS is allowed to question whatever and with him there, ask for a look at incoming and sent emails (subject lines only unless you see something suspicious." Be honest and let him know you're trying to rebuild trust and don't wish to go behind his back.

 

Don't become him, lying and scheming and sneaking. You deserve the truth and it's on the cheating spouse to do the heavy lifting when it comes to reestablishing trust.