Chrisroy Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Hello all , new to posting but I've been reading in the past , with lots of knowledge generated. I've got a situation that I'd like your thoughts about. I've been in a relationship for about 10 months now , besides the small lie here and there on her end it's been great. We are both now in our 30s and things are progressing quite well. I've got out of a long common law relationship of over ten years , and she's never really been in anything serious lasting a year. We've talked lightly about having a child , (more her then me) but again just lightly. The other night while in bed she asked me how many partners I've had , which I kind of thought was odd, but told her anyways (ten or so). I then asked her , which she took awhile to reply, but said 30. It kind of took me back a bit , we chit chatted a bit more and she also said she had some terrible mistakes and a couple of them were with married men. I brushed it off and fell asleep. So the obvious question lol, should I be slightly concerned about this ? The number isn't too scary , I mean if I wasn't in the length of relationship I was in , I could be right up there I guess , but the married situation.. this is someone I could potentially settle down with in the future. Thanks in advance 1
PegNosePete Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Yes, I would want to know if they were genuinely "mistakes" (for example a one-night stand with a guy who turned out to be married), or a deliberate choice to get involved with someone she knew to be married. How on earth could you brush that off and fall asleep? LOL, I would be up all night. 2
Sweetfish Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Hello all , new to posting but I've been reading in the past , with lots of knowledge generated. I've got a situation that I'd like your thoughts about. I've been in a relationship for about 10 months now , besides the small lie here and there on her end it's been great. We are both now in our 30s and things are progressing quite well. I've got out of a long common law relationship of over ten years , and she's never really been in anything serious lasting a year. We've talked lightly about having a child , (more her then me) but again just lightly. The other night while in bed she asked me how many partners I've had , which I kind of thought was odd, but told her anyways (ten or so). I then asked her , which she took awhile to reply, but said 30. It kind of took me back a bit , we chit chatted a bit more and she also said she had some terrible mistakes and a couple of them were with married men. I brushed it off and fell asleep. So the obvious question lol, should I be slightly concerned about this ? The number isn't too scary , I mean if I wasn't in the length of relationship I was in , I could be right up there I guess , but the married situation.. this is someone I could potentially settle down with in the future. Thanks in advance I would not continue this conversation. She told you the truth... sounds like she really like you. 3
Larryville Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 This is the best response I had ever seen, was in an article I read years ago and seen other places… “My rule of thumb is you should be able to remember every person.” To me that is the key because it simply tells me that at least someone valued the person in some way. Yes I remember everyone…. Including my first time at 14 to a much older young lady. 1
Toodaloo Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 1. I've been in a relationship for about 10 months now , 2. besides the small lie here and there on her end it's been great. she's never really been in anything serious lasting a year. 3. We've talked lightly about having a child , (more her then me) but again just lightly. 4. she asked me how many partners I've had I then asked her , which she took awhile to reply, but said 30. 5. she also said she had some terrible mistakes and a couple of them were with married men. 6. this is someone I could potentially settle down with in the future. In the first year we are all on best behaviour. She has started telling fibs. I am guessing as she paused the number 30 is also a fib. The truth is slowly coming and here is what I am getting from this. She is a party girl who likes sex but is flakey. She has hit 30 and alarm bells are going off on her body clock so now instead of shagging about she is looking for a sperm donor... Her relationships have only lasted under a year at most? Tread carefully here and keep it covered when you have sex. You may find yourself in a situation you needed to avoid if you relax too much... I have had sex with a married man in the past... just once... not proud of it and learnt my lesson... to do that again... I am not worried about the number at all. But I am worried about her morals, the fibs, the married men, the terrible mistakes, the splitting up before it gets to a year... its just... Its not great... Be wary and keep your eyes and ears open and your penis covered. 2
Author Chrisroy Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 i appreciate the comments, I agree that she was into the party scene when she was younger. Her head seems to be in the right place (but what do I know, I have been out of the dating scene for a long time) The fibs were a bit much , and she with held the truth she claimed instead of telling me so it wouldn't hurt our relationship. I don't think it was a big deal but I don't really know why I got the run around ? She took a trip north to visit family and said she hung out with them and had some drinks , but a couple months later stated she went to a party with a cousin instead but that I didn't have to worry. The other lie was a golf tournement get away that was not the greatest. She claimed she was going with a friend and golfing with 2 other male work colleagues. Well it turns out there was no girl, just her and 3 guys , she got caught by an email on her iPad that was open. She didn't end up going once confronted and said she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to get jealous .. which I wouldn't have.. but why lie ? 1
Toodaloo Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 She took a trip north to visit family and said she hung out with them and had some drinks , but a couple months later stated she went to a party with a cousin instead but that I didn't have to worry. The other lie was a golf tournement get away that was not the greatest. She claimed she was going with a friend and golfing with 2 other male work colleagues. Well it turns out there was no girl, just her and 3 guys , she got caught by an email on her iPad that was open. She didn't end up going once confronted and said she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want me to get jealous .. which I wouldn't have.. but why lie ? Sorry but in both instances she had no reason to lie but did. I am sure that you would be more comfortable if she just told the truth in the first place. These are... well they suggest that she is hiding something if she feels the need to lie when actually she shouldn't have to... Sorry OP but I do not like this. Whenever I have dated someone who behaved like this its never ended well. I really do not think you should be thinking marriage and babies with this woman. How is she when you go out? How is she around your friends and family? What do they think about her? 3
smackie9 Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Tho she has come out and admitted some of the sorted details of her past, I feel she is ill-equipped to handle herself in a committed relationship. Marriage and babies? Do yourself a favor and taking your time finding someone else to do this with. Just because someone says they want marriage and babies, doesn't mean they will be capable of handling it. 1
Author Chrisroy Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 (edited) Thanks for the reply , and really this is why I'm torn. She is great in public and around my family, and with regards to hers, she wants me to be there as much as I can. She's nice with my friends , and seems to be with hers,mind you I've only met a couple friends. Nothing out of the ordinary when It comes to being out together. That's what makes it so difficult. Like can you mess up that much "unintentionally" ? Edited November 9, 2016 by Chrisroy 1
Toodaloo Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Like can you mess up that much "unintentionally" ? Some people have absolutely no boundaries and are not at all "savvy" when it comes to dating. Most learn pretty quickly and just do it once but others they just spin, wash and repeat... The only thing I can advise is to carry on getting to know her or end this now and don't waste any more time. You are clearly very fond of her but something (quite rightly) is stopping you. Those lies really do concern me. I am afraid that they would make me back off. I would not be wanting to have children or marry someone who did that. I would be mentally checking out... 1
Dis Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 I agree with Tood....the lies are a big problem As a 30 year old woman who has had alot of experience with these types...I can tell you that as Tood said, this won't end well My ex was 7 years older than me...when we first started dating he (like your gf) would lie about the strangest things. He was so inconsistant...but I really wanted to believe that we would work so I trudged onward....lie after lie....ranging from big to small to strange to head spinning....After 2.5 years of it I felt like I had lost my mind...I felt like my judgment that I had relied on my whole life was twisted up into a pretzel and run over by a bus I ended things with him at the 2.5 year mark....after being toyed with and lied to countless times...the love I had for him turned ice cold...it just turned off like a switch...I was done It wasnt until about a month after the break up when my head started to clear that I began to put all of the twisted broken pieces of reality back together....and realized he was cheating on me My point in telling you this is....if you have never dealt with a liar before you'll probably just brush their discrepancies under the rug until they accumulate and accumulate...then you'll have no choice but to face them and...it will NOT be a pretty sight....thats when everything ends....thats when you kick them to the curb to gain your sanity back However, for people who have previously delt with liars....we know better. We spot little lies here and there and we take off....saving ourselves from a load of future hurt Her lies may seem small and insignificant or even strange but I can tell you that is because you only know a fraction of the truth You posted here....your gut is telling you something is off....do yourself a favor and walk away with your sanity and dignity in tact 1
Author Chrisroy Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 I agree with Tood....the lies are a big problem As a 30 year old woman who has had alot of experience with these types...I can tell you that as Tood said, this won't end well My ex was 7 years older than me...when we first started dating he (like your gf) would lie about the strangest things. He was so inconsistant...but I really wanted to believe that we would work so I trudged onward....lie after lie....ranging from big to small to strange to head spinning....After 2.5 years of it I felt like I had lost my mind...I felt like my judgment that I had relied on my whole life was twisted up into a pretzel and run over by a bus I ended things with him at the 2.5 year mark....after being toyed with and lied to countless times...the love I had for him turned ice cold...it just turned off like a switch...I was done It wasnt until about a month after the break up when my head started to clear that I began to put all of the twisted broken pieces of reality back together....and realized he was cheating on me My point in telling you this is....if you have never dealt with a liar before you'll probably just brush their discrepancies under the rug until they accumulate and accumulate...then you'll have no choice but to face them and...it will NOT be a pretty sight....thats when everything ends....thats when you kick them to the curb to gain your sanity back However, for people who have previously delt with liars....we know better. We spot little lies here and there and we take off....saving ourselves from a load of future hurt Her lies may seem small and insignificant or even strange but I can tell you that is because you only know a fraction of the truth You posted here....your gut is telling you something is off....do yourself a favor and walk away with your sanity and dignity in tact Thank you , and everyone else 1
Grumpybutfun Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Your concern is valid. Lies and sex with married men are huge red flags that she didn't just make a few young person mistakes but repeated them due to low values and dishonesty being her go-to deflector. Mistakes are things you do once and learn from them as an adult. You do not repeat them. If you do, they become a part of your unscrupulous character. I hope you recognize red flags and what they represent. I also hope you know that you deserve better than lies, manipulation and lack of morals. If she is more than a FWB or a ONS, you might want to ask yourself if this is the type of mother you would want raising your children. This is where I would realize I'm not compatible with someone who lies about hanging out with men solo on golf trips, having numerous affairs with married men, and a lack of respect for me by trying to manipulate my life by being dishonest and low in character. Good luck, Grumps 2
Herbalist Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Affairs are hurtful because of the betrayal involved, which also requires some next-level deception. If they were really "mistakes" that she had learned from and had she really improved as a person, she would not be telling such significant lies. Betrayal by deception continues in her life, which tells you that she hasn't changed. I believe some people really can be remorseful, wisen up and become better people, but what you describe does not indicate that this is the case with her. 2
Satu Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 The number thing is unimportant (in my opinion). Here's the biggest problem: At some point in her life, she decided that it was ok to avoid unwanted consequences, by telling lies. She should have grown out of that by now. Completely. As regards dalliances with married people, I'll leave that for others to comment on. Take care. 1
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 * Number of partners is not important. * I would not be worried about the married man unless she was seeking specifically married men. She end up having sex with a married man, the one who needs to search his soul is the married man. * The lying would be a deal breaker to me. Lying about little things is a symptoms of much bigger lies to come. I would not have children with someone known to lie. 2
OatsAndHall Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Anyone that lies to me does not stay in my life, period. 1
thecrucible Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 The lying would make me think 'if she is prepared to lie about these little things, what else could be lies?'. The lie about playing golf with 3 guys could be something to worry about or it could be that she had a controlling ex and this is learned behaviour. There are some married men out there who trick women into thinking they are a single or say they are divorced so it depends on her situation.
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