mortensorchid Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I'm not sure about the Instagram thing. I'd heard stories about people who had met through it, I myself attempted to do so with someone about two years ago. We got to chatting with comments on one another's Instagram photos, and one day I decided to DM him. Eventually, it went from there to friending on Facebook to exchanging phone numbers. We would arrange to meet, then he would cancel on me because his boss kept changing his work schedule. He'd send a text saying he had to reschedule, after the third time he did this I stopped responding to him. I just happened to meet him face to face for the first time last summer, we were both at this event. He said "Oh, you probably don't want to talk to me." I said "Right." It was clear by his behaviors and attitude that he is/was not looking for a gf. I have not heard from or seen him since, but he likes a few things I post here and there. It's what it is. Clearly not meant to be. I don't think it is with this woman and you either.
Author JasonBourne Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 I'm not sure about the Instagram thing. I'd heard stories about people who had met through it, I myself attempted to do so with someone about two years ago. We got to chatting with comments on one another's Instagram photos, and one day I decided to DM him. Eventually, it went from there to friending on Facebook to exchanging phone numbers. We would arrange to meet, then he would cancel on me because his boss kept changing his work schedule. He'd send a text saying he had to reschedule, after the third time he did this I stopped responding to him. I just happened to meet him face to face for the first time last summer, we were both at this event. He said "Oh, you probably don't want to talk to me." I said "Right." It was clear by his behaviors and attitude that he is/was not looking for a gf. I have not heard from or seen him since, but he likes a few things I post here and there. It's what it is. Clearly not meant to be. I don't think it is with this woman and you either. Nope, it isn't. She's still following me on IG but I haven't messaged her. I've strangely gone off her since our interaction, lol.
spiderowl Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 I have another perspective I guess because I've been that woman. I have felt that the guy just wants to move to a date and is not interested in me as a person. He seems more interested in working out a date than chatting. Chatting is a way of getting to know him better and get a feel for whether he likes me for me or just wants to get physical. If he tries to pin down a date quickly and doesn't seem to want to chat about anything else, it is clear to me he's not interested in me. I can see that for a guy, this looks totally different. His goal is to get a date to see more of her, but that focus can come across as counter-productive. I have found that guys look and decide they like you/trust you, whereas I need a bit more information before coming to that conclusion. It may be worth chatting a bit longer to see if she becomes more receptive, but of course you need to do what is best for you. 1
Author JasonBourne Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 (edited) I have another perspective I guess because I've been that woman. I have felt that the guy just wants to move to a date and is not interested in me as a person. He seems more interested in working out a date than chatting. Chatting is a way of getting to know him better and get a feel for whether he likes me for me or just wants to get physical. If he tries to pin down a date quickly and doesn't seem to want to chat about anything else, it is clear to me he's not interested in me. I can see that for a guy, this looks totally different. His goal is to get a date to see more of her, but that focus can come across as counter-productive. I have found that guys look and decide they like you/trust you, whereas I need a bit more information before coming to that conclusion. It may be worth chatting a bit longer to see if she becomes more receptive, but of course you need to do what is best for you. I was thinking about chatting for a bit longer but felt doubtful about doing so; I am very wary of being put in the 'friend zone'. I have of course thought about it from her point of view; I am a complete random person she doesn't know, who has messaged her. For all she knows, I could be a registered sex offender. Plus, I know she has a son, so that could also be a potential reason for the guarded behaviour. I can see both points of view on this forum, but I must admit that the one I was already leaning towards is yours, Spider. She has always seemed friendly with me and has sometimes seemed playfully engaging with banter with me. I know that she has lots of friends and people around her, and would have no reason to talk to me just for the hell of it - well, those were my positive thoughts around it, anyway. I totally get what you're saying. Edited November 13, 2016 by JasonBourne 1
dispatch3d Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Yeah definitely just ask her out. This back and forth over the internet is totally unnecessary. Either she says yes or she doesn't, but you won't waste anymore time and you can't figure things out over the internet anyhow. If you tried this stuff on dating websites all the connections would just fizzle out rather than turning into dates.
dispatch3d Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Really? That is how she responded? You have done the right thing. Don't bother. Just ignore her. When she texts be polite but don't bother getting into massive log text conversations. Just goes to show you never can tell. To be blunt if I had said some of the stuff she had its because I want him to ask me out... Just goes to show doesn't it... Oh well. Next one. At least you know not to waste any more time and to move to the next rather than spend months randomly chatting to her. My guess is that's how she was feeling at the time, but he messed up his chance with the back and forth and not being direct.
Author JasonBourne Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 (edited) My guess is that's how she was feeling at the time, but he messed up his chance with the back and forth and not being direct. I have to disagree with this. I'm a random person who she has no knowledge of, messaging her on Instagram. I think it was actually quite forward of me to ask her out, and I'm not surprised she didn't want to, so soon. I don't think it's a question of missing my chance, I just think she is being quite cautious, and rightly so. She even told me that she doesn't just meet up with random people she meets online, which to me is a fair enough statement (she said this before I'd asked her out). This is an adult woman in her 30's with a child; I doubt she'd just drop everything to meet some guy who messaged her on Instagram after such a short amount of time. As for not being direct, when she asked me why I wanted to get to know her, what was I supposed to say? "I have been watching you from afar from ages and I want to be your man?" As I've said, I don't know her but I do know OF her and my friend is friends with her sister, so I know her character slightly. I think if I was any more direct than "I'd like to get to know you", me being a TOTAL RANDOM would have scared her off. I didn't know if she was single, married, straight, gay, blah. I get that there's this whole Alpha Male thing, but it doesn't always apply to every situation. If I HAVE blown my chance, fair enough. That's life. But I do think that any other approach other than the one I gave would have been far too heavy. She was suspicious from the off. My DP on Instagram is an ambiguous one and my account is private, so she couldn't even see who it was that was messaging her. She even said that she wasn't going to message me back for that very reason. She seems quite guarded as a person, I doubt that it's my approach or anything I'm saying that's putting her off. She has been guarded from the very first instance. Edited November 13, 2016 by JasonBourne
dispatch3d Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 The medium of contact could definitely be better. You'll have more luck messaging girls on pof than on instagram, or hoping you meet her some time and ask her out then. A lot scarier than sending a message over instragram I know.
Author JasonBourne Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 The medium of contact could definitely be better. You'll have more luck messaging girls on pof than on instagram, or hoping you meet her some time and ask her out then. A lot scarier than sending a message over instragram I know. I agree - I would never DM someone on Instagram, but this is someone I've known about for a while and someone I've seen around but never approached.
dispatch3d Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 As far as "alphamale" I'm not saying this because of some advice I read about alphamales, or that's the alpha thing to do. I used to have girls contact me over the internet, or I would send them messages, and with the ones that did message me back we would just have a back and forth for like 5 messages and then nothing. Years later some girl contacted me and instead of me trying to "convince" her I just asked her on a date. She went. Same result with 2 other girls. So I was like 0/4 doing what you did, and then 3/3 doing it the other way.
Author JasonBourne Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 As far as "alphamale" I'm not saying this because of some advice I read about alphamales, or that's the alpha thing to do. I used to have girls contact me over the internet, or I would send them messages, and with the ones that did message me back we would just have a back and forth for like 5 messages and then nothing. Years later some girl contacted me and instead of me trying to "convince" her I just asked her on a date. She went. Same result with 2 other girls. So I was like 0/4 doing what you did, and then 3/3 doing it the other way. That's fair enough; was that on some kind of dating site? I would agree with you in probably any other case, but like I said this woman seems guarded from the minute I started talking to her. We spoke every night and each night you could tell she was loosening up, telling me more about herself, and then asking me things about myself. I think the problem lies with her, rather than me.
dispatch3d Posted November 13, 2016 Posted November 13, 2016 Well I tried something different on a dating site (yes it was one) - plenty of fish - because I was reading about dating and it was said that you need to just go for the meetup on these things. Then I did it and it worked. Then you made a post about it, girls said they wouldn't like this, and not doing this didn't work. So in my opinion you messed up the way you went about things. Had you done it differently would you have gotten a date? No idea. I'm just saying you took something that isn't overly a high percentage play and didn't help yourself.
Author JasonBourne Posted November 13, 2016 Author Posted November 13, 2016 Well I tried something different on a dating site (yes it was one) - plenty of fish - because I was reading about dating and it was said that you need to just go for the meetup on these things. Then I did it and it worked. Then you made a post about it, girls said they wouldn't like this, and not doing this didn't work. So in my opinion you messed up the way you went about things. Had you done it differently would you have gotten a date? No idea. I'm just saying you took something that isn't overly a high percentage play and didn't help yourself. I don't think I messed up, at all. This wasn't a dating site, so she may not even have been looking for anything romantic; whereas these women are more likely to be receptive to your advances. I think it's odd for anyone to expect a woman to meet a guy who messaged her on Instagram within a week... I don't think I'd like to be involved with a woman that was so fickle and easy to charm, tbh.
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