JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 (edited) Hey guys, I just wanted to ask some advice. I've known about this woman for a while now, through a friend. I've never met her, but I know quite a bit about her... I do find her attractive, but never thought about approaching her, before. Anyway, the other night, I just decided to send her a DM on Instagram. I can't remember what it said, but I think I was asking about her Insta page (she runs events in the community) and how long she'd been doing it. We chatted for a while, and then we just said goodnight and went to bed. The next day I messaged her again ("how's it going?") and that. I can't remember how it got to it, but she started asking me why I had messaged her. It went something like this... "Why have you messaged me?" Me: "Well, I think you're interesting, and I wanna get to know you" "As a friend, or you want a date?" Me: "I find you attractive, and I want to get to know you" It went on like that for a minute, but I genuinely can't remember what else was said, I've deleted the chat. I asked her if she was single, and she kind of playfully held it back until I said I'd like to take her out, which was when she then told me that she WAS single. Anyway cut to a couple of days later, I said something like "I've got to be honest, I like chatting to you and I want to move this off Instagram" (I was implying that she give me her number...) And then she gave me her email address, which we've been chatting intermittently on. We chatted earlier and then she said she was going to bed, saying good night with a smiley emoji thing. She seems to be acting quite guarded and I am struggling with making conversation with her, tbh. As I've said, I've known about her for a long time, and what I ultimately want to do here is move it to phone calls/real life hanging out. But with the way she's talking to me, it's proving hard. Does anyone have any suggestions, here? I've chatted to women online before, but it's only ever been on dating sites, where women there are more receptive to it. Here, this is a totally new situation. Edited November 9, 2016 by JasonBourne
BluesPower Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Maybe I am slow... Why not asks her to dinner at a nice restaurant? Ask what food she likes the best and ask her out. Does not seem that difficult to me. She either says yes or no. I don't understand all the need for chatting and email. But maybe I am a little slow? 7
Author JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 Maybe I am slow... Why not asks her to dinner at a nice restaurant? Ask what food she likes the best and ask her out. Does not seem that difficult to me. She either says yes or no. I don't understand all the need for chatting and email. But maybe I am a little slow? Hey, man. I think because I get the impression that she is someone who you have to take 'baby steps' with. The giving of the email and not the number, the hesitancy to answer questions about herself initially... I hadn't thought about being so direct with her, to be honest. I guess I could, I see no reason why not.
BluesPower Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 What do you think the questions about a "Date" were about. I don't know how old you are, and I mean no disrespect, but if you like a woman, I say just ask her out. If she says no, you just move on to the next one. But maybe I am missing something here. I will say that my experience is that women tend to like a man that is decisive and direct and strong. A decisive, direct and strong man would be willing to "risk", if it even is one, the rejection, and would tend not to get butt hurt if he did get rejected. I think that kind of a man would ask any woman that he liked out, come what may. Unless you are 18 years old, why all the patty cake? Seems to work for me, but who is to say. 2
Author JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 What do you think the questions about a "Date" were about. I don't know how old you are, and I mean no disrespect, but if you like a woman, I say just ask her out. If she says no, you just move on to the next one. But maybe I am missing something here. I will say that my experience is that women tend to like a man that is decisive and direct and strong. A decisive, direct and strong man would be willing to "risk", if it even is one, the rejection, and would tend not to get butt hurt if he did get rejected. I think that kind of a man would ask any woman that he liked out, come what may. Unless you are 18 years old, why all the patty cake? Seems to work for me, but who is to say. The date questions I thought were her trying to establish if I was interested romantically or platonically... Now that I think about it, the longer I drag the chat out, the more likely it is that nothing will happen. I'm going to ask her out, tomorrow. I don't WANT to chat, I was just doing it because I thought that's what she wanted. I would rather hang out and start getting to know each other IRL 2
joseb Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Just Ask Her Out. Really no need for all the analysis and overthinking. Being wishy washy will probably make you look like you lack confidence. And stop doing things just cause you think that's what she wants. 4
Author JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 Just Ask Her Out. Really no need for all the analysis and overthinking. Being wishy washy will probably make you look like you lack confidence. And stop doing things just cause you think that's what she wants. You are right. I can't even disagree with this. She's just messaged me, I'm going to do it straight away.
PegNosePete Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 "As a friend, or you want a date?" Me: "I find you attractive, and I want to get to know you" This is an example of being wishy washy. If you want to get the girl you have to be confident. What would Jason Bourne do if a woman asked him this question? Would he avoid the question and give a generic non-committal answer? No, he would say come with me to dinner tonight and I'll show you. 2
Author JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 This is an example of being wishy washy. If you want to get the girl you have to be confident. What would Jason Bourne do if a woman asked him this question? Would he avoid the question and give a generic non-committal answer? No, he would say come with me to dinner tonight and I'll show you. OK, I've asked her out. She hasn't replied yet, but I know that she's at work, and she's never not replied so I'm not worried about that. 2
Toodaloo Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 OK, I've asked her out. She hasn't replied yet, but I know that she's at work, and she's never not replied so I'm not worried about that. And don't worry about it. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but for what its worth I think this womans hints at wanting you to ask her out were as subtle as a brick through a window... Good luck;) 1
Author JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 (edited) And don't worry about it. Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose but for what its worth I think this womans hints at wanting you to ask her out were as subtle as a brick through a window... Good luck;) OK, I went with the assertive approach and her reply was "I'm sorry, I'm so busy and I've no time to socialise. I'm happy to chat, though" Ugh. I'm not interested in chatting, though. I haven't replied. Don't know if I will. Edited November 9, 2016 by JasonBourne Typo
BluesPower Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 OK, so she is not interested, kind of hard to believe that based on what she wrote, so just move on. Just write her back and be nice and say, "If you change your mind let me know. Take care." And then leave her be. If changes her mind cool. Now, you just need to pick another one to go out with. Good luck... 4
Author JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 Yeah, I haven't replied. I might do later on, but right now I'm just not in the mood to say anything back, not even an amiable "OK, that's cool" response.
Toodaloo Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Yeah, I haven't replied. I might do later on, but right now I'm just not in the mood to say anything back, not even an amiable "OK, that's cool" response. Really? That is how she responded? You have done the right thing. Don't bother. Just ignore her. When she texts be polite but don't bother getting into massive log text conversations. Just goes to show you never can tell. To be blunt if I had said some of the stuff she had its because I want him to ask me out... Just goes to show doesn't it... Oh well. Next one. At least you know not to waste any more time and to move to the next rather than spend months randomly chatting to her. 3
Author JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 Really? That is how she responded? You have done the right thing. Don't bother. Just ignore her. When she texts be polite but don't bother getting into massive log text conversations. Just goes to show you never can tell. To be blunt if I had said some of the stuff she had its because I want him to ask me out... Just goes to show doesn't it... Oh well. Next one. At least you know not to waste any more time and to move to the next rather than spend months randomly chatting to her. Yeah, that's what she said. Since my last post, I wrote "OK, cool" and she sent a a smiley emoji (?) which was odd. But yeah, I won't be pursuing this. 1
Toodaloo Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Yeah, that's what she said. Since my last post, I wrote "OK, cool" and she sent a a smiley emoji (?) which was odd. But yeah, I won't be pursuing this. No I don't think you should. All very weird. Now't as queer as folk... Don't worry though. At least you can move on rather than be strung along. 2
preraph Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 No matter if you'd taken it slow, it still wasn't going to work. You kept from wasting a lot of time. I mean, a date is just a date to see if you like someone, and she wasn't interested enough to even do that. She could be married or anything, though. 1
Author JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 No matter if you'd taken it slow, it still wasn't going to work. You kept from wasting a lot of time. I mean, a date is just a date to see if you like someone, and she wasn't interested enough to even do that. She could be married or anything, though. No, she's single. She told me she was after I asked her. She kept talking about how important her organisation is to her and how she doesn't even socialise with those she already knows. Blah.
Toodaloo Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 No, she's single. She told me she was after I asked her. She kept talking about how important her organisation is to her and how she doesn't even socialise with those she already knows. Blah. I think this is all just bit of an excuse. Don't worry about it. Just leave her be and move on. The reasons are never anything to do with the person who did the asking and its only going to back fire on her in the long term so don't worry. 2
Author JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 I will move on, I just don't understand what she was trying to do. We had a very direct conversation early on about what and why I was talking to her, and she seemed quite receptive. And then why give me her email address, and seem to be interested by asking me loads of questions about myself? Even when I asked her if she wanted to go out, it went like... "Are you free on Monday? I want to show you this nice restaurant in East" "The Bengal?" "No, not that place! This one is much better, lol. Monday at 7?" Then there was a long pause, and she suddenly seemed less receptive and said that stuff about the chatting. It felt like she was thinking about it, and then suddenly slipped back into this weird guarded mode, and then said no. I know I shouldn't really care, but as I said in my OP, I've known about her for a while and this is someone I've got what I suppose you'd describe as a crush on. I actually do really like her, and wanted to get to know her properly. There are times when I'm talking to her that she seems quite receptive and relaxed, and there are times when she isn't. It's just frustrating, I suppose. 1
thecrucible Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 OK, so she is not interested, kind of hard to believe that based on what she wrote, so just move on. Just write her back and be nice and say, "If you change your mind let me know. Take care." And then leave her be. If changes her mind cool. Now, you just need to pick another one to go out with. Good luck... I agree. I think that's a nice polite way to respond and should tie things off. 1
Toodaloo Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 I will move on, I just don't understand what she was trying to do. We had a very direct conversation early on about what and why I was talking to her, and she seemed quite receptive. And then why give me her email address, and seem to be interested by asking me loads of questions about myself? Even when I asked her if she wanted to go out, it went like... "Are you free on Monday? I want to show you this nice restaurant in East" "The Bengal?" "No, not that place! This one is much better, lol. Monday at 7?" Then there was a long pause, and she suddenly seemed less receptive and said that stuff about the chatting. It felt like she was thinking about it, and then suddenly slipped back into this weird guarded mode, and then said no. I know I shouldn't really care, but as I said in my OP, I've known about her for a while and this is someone I've got what I suppose you'd describe as a crush on. I actually do really like her, and wanted to get to know her properly. There are times when I'm talking to her that she seems quite receptive and relaxed, and there are times when she isn't. It's just frustrating, I suppose. I don't see anything wrong at all. I have no idea why she said no and can only assume that she has something else going on. Perhaps she is stuck up on her own crush or something? Who knows. For what its worth that is about as sure as it gets and you "played" it perfectly. I don't know why she said no. You handled the whole thing wonderfully from start to finish. I am sorry that you didn't get the desired result (I was rooting for you and was hoping for a positive feedback post on how well the date went). But I guess it just goes that way sometimes... You came out looking good so well done you. 1
Justanaverageguy Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Whats known as a tire kicker - one of those people who goes to the car dealer with no intention of making a purchase. Girls like orbiters and fans. Instagram should give you more then enough proof of this. Sounds like she would be happy to keep you on the line to pad her ego with no intention of dating you.
TheTraveler Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 I like how you went from essentially texting to email:lmao:
Author JasonBourne Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 I don't see anything wrong at all. I have no idea why she said no and can only assume that she has something else going on. Perhaps she is stuck up on her own crush or something? Who knows. For what its worth that is about as sure as it gets and you "played" it perfectly. I don't know why she said no. You handled the whole thing wonderfully from start to finish. I am sorry that you didn't get the desired result (I was rooting for you and was hoping for a positive feedback post on how well the date went). But I guess it just goes that way sometimes... You came out looking good so well done you. I know, I was rooting for myself, too!! Thanks for your input though, Toodaloo. Maybe next time, eh - lol.
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