Author cerebra876324 Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 Yeah but most people that starts dating make a change in their habits and no girl friends, or family would be offended she moves their Saturday night dinner to another night because now she has a boyfriend. When I was single and had a bunch of single friends, as soon as they made a bf or gf I knew they wouldn't spend their date-time with me and I was 110% OK with it. This is what hurts the most. I feel like she hasn't made any changes to accommodate me in her life, except for Sundays. I don't expect her to not have a life or friends, but it would mean a lot to know that she's made some time for me. Especially since she told me we were at the boyfriend/girlfriend stage, we talked relationship, etc.
Author cerebra876324 Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 When you said she hasn't had a relationship before, I assumed a long term one. So this is a 35 year old woman, who has never had a boy friend, sounds like she is a virgin, has never even kissed (!?!?!), and her social life consist of going out to dinner with an older female coworker - am I correct here? I am going to go out on a limb and say she has never developed normal social skills. If you want to peruse a relationship with a 35 year old virgin, you will have your work cut out for you. Yes, never had a boyfriend and a virgin. Never even kissed (this was obvious when we kissed). Her social life is going out with an older female co-worker. Lived for years (10 plus) with her twin sister. They went to undergrad and grad school together. She recently moved away with a boyfriend. She has so much potential as a girlfriend, but you bring up good points. She is very pretty, smart, and kind (how is she still single??). Professional, hard-working, and organized. All things I'm looking for. I think she hasn't dated simply because she was busy working and living with her sister (who moved away about 1.5 years ago) I do believe she does not have the normal social skills. On the nights she is home by 7pm or so (this happens maybe one day per week besides Friday), she talks on the phone with her parents, family, etc which is fine! She never initiates a phone call to me, I always have to bring it up or text and say "are you up for a phone call?" I surprised her with a phone call the other night (Monday after a great Sunday date), and it felt like I totally caught her off guard. She does text me throughout the day though, which is nice.
Author cerebra876324 Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 Maybe this is harsh, but the first relationship at 35? Does she have a social problem or autism. Maybe, she is really comfortable with her routine. Maybe you could message or send gifts during the weeks, its still early days, maybe she just doesnt know how to be in a relationship. I think you're right, but she doesn't have a social problem or autism. She's actually a clinical therapist with dozens of clients. And yes, she is very comfortable with her routine. She loves her work and is very good at it (which is great!). She really doesn't know how to be in a relationship, but seems apprehensive to going out of this "comfort zone" she has created. I really like her and do not want to give up, but it's really hard dating someone at this age who is new to this.
spiderowl Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I think it's fair enough to want to see her more. You are keen on her and that's great. She seems to be pacing things how she wants to. Is that pace going to suit you though? Have you spoken to her about how you'd like to see more of her?
Gaeta Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Yes, never had a boyfriend and a virgin. Never even kissed (this was obvious when we kissed). Her social life is going out with an older female co-worker. Lived for years (10 plus) with her twin sister. Is she from some type of religious group? How does she explain not dating and a virgin at 35? I mean from high school to 35 years old she never went on a date! or had a kiss? Something is off here. A good looking woman does not stay virgin till the age of 35. Maybe she is asexual. Maybe she has a past she doesn't want to reveal yet like she used to be a man. 2
dumbass2 Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 "And I think she IS infatuated with me." No, she's not. Far from it or she would definitely be wanting to see you a lot more. Sounds like you need to take charge. I would not continue dating someone with hopes for more if after 4 dates and a month in she has no time for me on a Friday or Saturday night with no kids or work involved. Those are "date" nights. She seems stuck in her ways (with her friends) and you are going to have to try and see if she'll break from that. She will have to if she wants a relationship. Not give them up, but make you a priority. Right now you are far from it. I wouldn't put too much more into this if she is not willing to see you more often. This is just too slow for my liking. 1
BaileyB Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 Yeah but most people that starts dating make a change in their habits and no girl friends, or family would be offended she moves their Saturday night dinner to another night because now she has a boyfriend. When I was single and had a bunch of single friends, as soon as they made a bf or gf I knew they wouldn't spend their date-time with me and I was 110% OK with it. True. But, it's only been four dates. What she's done until this point, is not unreasonable. I was just encouraging OP not to throw away the opportunity because things have progressed slowly to this point. I find, all too often, people on this site start telling people to end the relationship if they don't end up in the sack after three dates. Sometimes, it's worth giving the relationship just a little more time. OP, if you see potential with this woman, talk to her. She is inexperienced - that does not necessarily mean that she does not have social skills or that she will not make a good partner, it just means she is inexperienced with relationships. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Talk to her and tell her how you feel. Tell her what you want and see if she is interested in the same, before you give up. If she is interested, she will make time for you. This is exactly the time in the relationship when is should happen. I hope it works out for you.
olivetree Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 I think we have a woman that has been very busy, and having been single since forever, is very used to her routine. Clinical therapy requires a lot of schooling. No wonder she has been busy. Though she lacks relationship experience, at least she has read a lot about relationships! I think she is very into you, she just has no experience. Try to make a plan for a different day to at least break up the monotonous routine. Try to make a plan for a weekday too. If that fails, be direct and tell her you want to see her more and see what she says. Or start off being direct, either way is fine. 2
Tribble Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 First of all, she doesn't have to explain anything. Being older with no relationship is not a crime. People have different priorities. I was a late bloomer and had my first real relationship at 26. Not a late as this but late enough. When I was younger, I wasn't interested in dating and had other priorities like school and friends. I figured it would sort itself out. As you get older though, it gets more difficult to start. Everyone has more experience than you and it's hard to find someone willing to deal with you finding your feet and to adapt your entire life to another person. I get that once a week is tough. When I'm with someone, I need to see them for thing to develop. But don't forget you've only met 4 times. Moving to bf/gf status seems really fast at this stage. You say she brought up this conversation? Maybe it's so she can show you she likes you but is doing it in a bit of a clumsy way. Being single for so long makes you develop certain habits. You get used to your own company, prioritising your friends, deciding how you spend your own time completely. Changing that is hard and stressful, especially if you've never had to do it before. I like time to myself to unwind too. As a single person, I spent a lot of Friday nights alone and I was fine with that. I loved it! When you start seeing someone, changing that can be difficult to get your head around. I think you need to talk to her. Explain where you're at. She says you're bf/gf so you should be able to have these kinds of conversations. Set expectations of what you want going forward. It has only been a month (since you met!), I don't think once a week is unreasonable at this stage. But I also think that wanting to escalate that now is reasonable too. You want to see her on a Friday/ Saturday night? Ask for that. Find one that is free for both of you, even if it is a month from now. Don't expect her to drop her life for you (which I don't think you are) but see if she is willing to shuffle a bit for you. 1
phineas Posted November 11, 2016 Posted November 11, 2016 When you said she hasn't had a relationship before, I assumed a long term one. So this is a 35 year old woman, who has never had a boy friend, sounds like she is a virgin, has never even kissed (!?!?!), and her social life consist of going out to dinner with an older female coworker - am I correct here? I am going to go out on a limb and say she has never developed normal social skills. If you want to peruse a relationship with a 35 year old virgin, you will have your work cut out for you. or she's been batting for the other team and now thinking about switching sides.
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