cerebra876324 Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Hi everyone, I need some advice here or at least someone to tell me I am out of line! I have started seeing a new girl, and she is fantastic. We met online, emailed for about six weeks, then met in person. Sunday was our fourth date, and we have met on Sunday afternoons for all four of our dates. I have been busy on some Friday nights and one of the Saturdays, but she only is available to date on Sundays. We live only 10-15 minutes apart. We both work hard, and she works until 9pm on Mondays and Wednesday (until about 5 or 6 on the other days), while I am done around 3 or 4pm each day. We are getting along very well, and each time we are together the relationship strengthens. She's 35 and I'm 36, so we are older and know what we are looking for. However, I am her first relationship--EVER. I am ok with this, but have had to take the lead on many things. We text throughout the day and keep in touch between dates, and I've called her a couple of times in the evening. She hasn't called me, but never seems to be put off when I call her. We have talked about our early stages of this relationship, and we are on the same page. We decided to use the "boyfriend/girlfriend" labels and are both excited about where things are going. I do not want to be weird or smothering, but I simply want to see more of her! Once per week when we're literally a 15 minute drive apart just doesn't feel like enough even though we've had four dates in four weeks. Am I crazy? On Friday night's she usually meets up with a female friend or is so exhausted from the week of work she wants a night to crash, which I completely understand. On Saturdays she often uses the day to get things done at home, then meets another friend (or has a going away party for a co-worker, etc) or a friend in town. Again, I have no problem with this and I realize with her being single so long, she has had to be very independent. So, making time for me is something she hasn't had to ever do before. I have been in a few relationships, and I am used to seeing a girl more than just one afternoon/evening per week. She sends me texts saying she "can't wait to see me on Sunday", and "thinking of you" and other sweet things. I love this, but I don't want to always have to wait until Sunday? I do not want to mess this up, I feel like it may be too early to address this. But, our fifth date (on Sunday of course) is coming up and it would be nice to see her on a Friday and/or Saturday. Last weekend sitting home on a Saturday night was tough for some reason. I was thinking "the reason I am dating is so I will have someone to spend Saturday nights with". I understand that she has established a lifestyle that she has followed for years. Anyways, am I nuts? Am I being selfish to want to spend more time with her now that we have agreed to have a relationship and seriously date? My heart hurts, and I can't believe it but I do miss her. She's a special girl, and I do not want to damage our relationship by being too blunt. Thanks!
hippychick3 Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Are you sure she isn't dating others on Friday/Saturday nights? I find it very odd she is never available on either night. 1
JasonBourne Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 I don't think she's dating others on the other nights. I was the same with my last partner at the beginning, i simply had my own set of routines that I followed and wasn't ready to give up/change. Have you suggested meeting on other nights? Forgive me if you've said that in your post.
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 No, you are far from being crazy. A relationship has to start slow yes but it has to evolve. After 1 month it's time it escalates to 2 dates a week. She doesn't work crazy hours and she is available. Because this is her very first relationship I think she is giving you the full control. It's up to you to escalate this. If you want to see her on a Saturday than make an invitation for a Saturday. If she is not free this coming Saturday then ask for next one, and next one, till she has one for you. Also time to see each other on weekdays. Like you said you are only 15 minutes apart. On the night she finishes at 5h ask her to go eat out and maybe an early movie, or billiard, or what ever people do in your area. Don't hesitate to tell her you'd like to see her more often and listen to what she says. Have you asked her what was her purpose on a dating site? Was she there to date casually? seeking a serious relationship? does she aim at marriage? kids? 2
joseb Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 I'd guess she is dating others too. First time dating at 35? Pretty unlikely. In any case, if you have time to spend texting throughout the day you have time to meet up. Why can't you meet her during the week in the evening? Reduce the texting, increase the time in person. 2
RecentChange Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 I don't get it. In my experience when I am into someone - spending time with them becomes a priority. Her friends are a priority over time with you. Being "tired" is a priority over time with you. Chores, coworkers etc etc are a priority over spending time with you. Why can't she spend a quiet evening in with you? After all you are her "boyfriend". That said - I think it's a bit premature to use those labels when you have been on just 4 dates.... have you two been physical at all? At 35 why has she never had a relationship? Is she socially awkward? 1
phineas Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 she's 35. Not 75. If she only wants to see you Sunday night because her friends are more important on the weekend or she is too tired from working 40 hrs a week and doing nothing else all week then you don't have a GF. You have a FWB. That is if she is sleeping with you?
Gaeta Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 She may have always been single because she is emotionally immature and is still seeking the life style of teenagers.
RecentChange Posted November 9, 2016 Posted November 9, 2016 Eh' minus the 65 hours a week I work and commute.... I live like a teenager (party and socialize too often, stay up too late). To me, that sort of life style means you should have all sorts of time for a boyfriend - if you aren't humping like rabbits, what's the fun of living like a teenager? So, why can't you go out with her and her friends? Boyfriends are often invited. I agree with others, expectations and desires in a relationship should be discussed. Perhaps she really is that clueless. I can say onw thing, she isn't infatuated with you. If she was, she would be ready to move heaven and earth to be with you.
Author cerebra876324 Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 We have not been physical, just some kissing. It is obvious that she hasn't kissed before too (it was really rough). I know she is not dating anyone else, and she definitely hasn't had a relationship before (at age 35). I'm not kidding. But I keep getting these texts that say "I can't wait to see you on Sunday" and "why won't Sunday get here sooner". I want to say make a sarcastic reply, but I think it'll have a negative result. She made the comment last Sunday that "seeing each other in a week will make our time together that much more important and give us something to look forward to". Again, she is new to all this and I will have to be the one to escalate. I really do like her and I think this has potential, but I have to see her more than just on Sundays. We do spend the entire day together, however. she's 35. Not 75. If she only wants to see you Sunday night because her friends are more important on the weekend or she is too tired from working 40 hrs a week and doing nothing else all week then you don't have a GF. You have a FWB. That is if she is sleeping with you?
Author cerebra876324 Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 Are you sure she isn't dating others on Friday/Saturday nights? I find it very odd she is never available on either night. She's definitely not seeing anyone else.
Author cerebra876324 Posted November 9, 2016 Author Posted November 9, 2016 Eh' minus the 65 hours a week I work and commute.... I live like a teenager (party and socialize too often, stay up too late). To me, that sort of life style means you should have all sorts of time for a boyfriend - if you aren't humping like rabbits, what's the fun of living like a teenager? So, why can't you go out with her and her friends? Boyfriends are often invited. I agree with others, expectations and desires in a relationship should be discussed. Perhaps she really is that clueless. I can say onw thing, she isn't infatuated with you. If she was, she would be ready to move heaven and earth to be with you. I agree, but I think she really just is that lost and doesn't get it. And I think she IS infatuated with me. She always is saying how wonderful I am, sweet, etc. But, never "I want to see you tonight, or I want to see you tomorrow". She has always made it clear that we meet on Sundays. This next Sunday will be our fifth Sunday date in a row. And going out with her and her friends? It is her going to a restaurant with an older woman (like 40's or 50's) that she used to work with. That's it.
Miss Peach Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 It sounds like she's wanting to pace things and take it slow. I don't want to start merging anything until at least a month in. I don't like dragging guys into my more personal life right away. With some guys it's been 6 months. I would bring up the idea of seeing her a second time during the week. She may just be waiting for the nudge.
JoeSmith357-1 Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Maybe some insight into how someone can make it 35 years without EVER having dated anyone... There's more to this story. Be it religous or she has some serious character, mental or physical flaws 1
TheTraveler Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Some kissing, already bf/gf after 4 dates, and can only meet on Sunday... This seems odd. What about your Sundays? Never have anything to do?
VeveCakes Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 meh, shes full of it. Why can't she meet one night after work? I'm 33. I work a high stress professional job 35 minutes from my house. I also run a horse farm with horses boarded, and ride almost every night. I also have 4 crazy dogs that need exercise. This takes up a lot of time...yet somehow I always have time to date men during the week and on the weekends. Sometimes they come over at 8 or 9 to watch a movie and have a drink. These are not even "bfs" yet, just guys I am dating. Or I make the drive to them and we go out. It's all about making time. She either doesn't want to or she is dating other people.
Sunkissedpatio Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 It's not so much the once a week date but the fact she can only see you Sundays. Is she in jail and that's parole day? That seems weird to me. How can you be certain she isn't seeing other guys? Also, what's wrong with going out on a Saturday night or having a day date instead, or any other night for that matter? Something's off with this story...She may not have dated before but she isn't that naive. Trust me when I tell you that. 2
SwordofFlame Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 (edited) People make time for the things that matter most to them. You don't matter enough to her to make additional time for you. At least not yet. If you're fine with going this slow, than by all means continue. People move at different paces. Since you really like her, maybe give her another month before escalating? Although personally, I probably wouldn't wait that long. Edited November 10, 2016 by SwordofFlame
Gaeta Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 I also run a horse farm with horses boarded, and ride almost every night. I also have 4 crazy dogs that need exercise. I wanna change life with you ! 2
BaileyB Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 (edited) With all do respect, it's really easy to be very involved with your school/career, family and friends, to date and not find the right guy, or to have any number of other priorities. It doesn't mean that she will not be a great partner. It just means that she's been busy with life, more than dating to this point. She may think that what you are doing is ok - if she hasn't dated before, the slower pace may feel nice for her. Or, she may have other friends/interests in life, and she's a little reluctant or finding it difficult to make the time to see you. This would not be unexpected early in a relationship, before you know that things are good and it is getting more serious. But, if she is serious about you, this will change. It's time for you to tell her that you like her and you want to spend more time together. Plan a fun date for a Saturday night - something she can't refuse. Don't be sarcastic - just be honest when you tell her that you enjoy her company and you would like to see her more. You will know how she feels by her response. Hopefully, it will come together for you. Edited November 10, 2016 by BaileyB
Gaeta Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 With all do respect, it's really easy to be very involved with your school/career, family and friends, to date and not find the right guy, or to have any number of other priorities. It doesn't mean that she will not be a great partner. It just means that she's been busy with life, more than dating to this point. She may think that what you are doing is ok - if she hasn't dated before, the slower pace may feel nice for her. Or, she may have other friends/interests in life, and she's a little reluctant or finding it difficult to make the time to see you. This would not be unexpected early in a relationship, before you know that things are good and it is getting more serious. But, if she is serious about you, this will change. It's time for you to tell her that you like her and you want to spend more time together. Plan a fun date for a Saturday night - something she can't refuse. Don't be sarcastic - just be honest when you tell her that you enjoy her company and you would like to see her more. You will know how she feels by her response. Hopefully, it will come together for you. Yeah but most people that starts dating make a change in their habits and no girl friends, or family would be offended she moves their Saturday night dinner to another night because now she has a boyfriend. When I was single and had a bunch of single friends, as soon as they made a bf or gf I knew they wouldn't spend their date-time with me and I was 110% OK with it. 2
RecentChange Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 When you said she hasn't had a relationship before, I assumed a long term one. So this is a 35 year old woman, who has never had a boy friend, sounds like she is a virgin, has never even kissed (!?!?!), and her social life consist of going out to dinner with an older female coworker - am I correct here? I am going to go out on a limb and say she has never developed normal social skills. If you want to peruse a relationship with a 35 year old virgin, you will have your work cut out for you. 1
KPontherise Posted November 10, 2016 Posted November 10, 2016 Maybe this is harsh, but the first relationship at 35? Does she have a social problem or autism. Maybe, she is really comfortable with her routine. Maybe you could message or send gifts during the weeks, its still early days, maybe she just doesnt know how to be in a relationship.
Author cerebra876324 Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 meh, shes full of it. Why can't she meet one night after work? I'm 33. I work a high stress professional job 35 minutes from my house. I also run a horse farm with horses boarded, and ride almost every night. I also have 4 crazy dogs that need exercise. This takes up a lot of time...yet somehow I always have time to date men during the week and on the weekends. Sometimes they come over at 8 or 9 to watch a movie and have a drink. These are not even "bfs" yet, just guys I am dating. Or I make the drive to them and we go out. It's all about making time. She either doesn't want to or she is dating other people. Yeah, I really wish she would be up for another day of the week. But, she really works long, long hours. She told me once that she was at a point in her life where she wanted a relationship, wants kids, etc. But, since she hasn't dated anyone, I don't think she knows that she has to find a way in her busy schedule. We're only four dates in, so I'm not overly concerned, but I hope the relationship grows where she wants to see me more (and makes time for it). It just makes me feel that maybe she's not as in to me as I am her.
Author cerebra876324 Posted November 10, 2016 Author Posted November 10, 2016 It's not so much the once a week date but the fact she can only see you Sundays. Is she in jail and that's parole day? That seems weird to me. How can you be certain she isn't seeing other guys? Also, what's wrong with going out on a Saturday night or having a day date instead, or any other night for that matter? Something's off with this story...She may not have dated before but she isn't that naive. Trust me when I tell you that. I'm completely positive she isn't seeing other guys, she's really never dated. It hurts a little that I can't see her on a Friday/Saturday night. One of the reasons I wanted to date was so I would have someone to spend my weekend nights with. It stings a little that she is spending this time with friends. But, on the flip side, she doesn't owe me anything (4 dates) over friends she's had for years. And these friends are usually older, married women that she worked with at one time or a college friend visiting from out of town.
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