Am I too far gone?

[Sunflower16]

I have been with my husband 11 years, married for 7. We (I) have had the same few issues for YEARS, even before getting married. Nothing crazy, feels a bit mundane, but its enough to make all the women in my life say that they could never be married to my husband-even his mother, basically.

 

Especially after having our kids, I don't miss him when he is gone. I take almost month long trips to my family every year, and although I get sick of them and want to come back to normalcy, I never actually miss my husband.

 

I have tried for years to get through to him, with his mother's advice as well, his dad after him. (It is all basically man child stuff to the 10th degree.) Finally I told him almost 2 months ago I was done, but would try counseling if he wanted. We didn't get into counseling but we have done heavy research on our own and his eyes truly opened and he immediately started picking up his slack and then some. (which is falling again) He expresses how he totally gets it and is surprised I didn't try to leave sooner.

 

I realize now- or more appropriately finally let myself say it out loud, that I don't love him as a partner anymore. I basically have friend zoned him. I enjoy him as a friend a bit, and he can be a great father, but I don't want him as a partner and lover anymore. Many things about him and how he puts the moves on makes me uncomfortable.

 

At first, the only reasons I had not left is that I am from another state, my entire family is there, and I have been a stay at home mom for 4 years. Can't support myself. I know that if these were not factors I would have left already. I am actually working on a couple strong job leads now.

 

Also, I find myself constantly wanting to be with other men. Ones I see or ones I make up, lol.

 

I have decided that if I left, and I told him this, I would do 50/50 custody (week on and off.) I would stay in this state. I really think we could be fantastic co parents and still do things for the girls together. We have been pretty open and honest about how we are feeling with everything.

 

Also, he is in the Guard and will gone off and on for most of next year, all for training. A lawyer told him in order to have things done before leaving he would have had to file in October. But I think we can actually just use mediation now that we are agreeing on possible outcomes.

 

My big question is- am I at a point where really I am done, or does a women ever get back from this stage? Do I recommend that I respectfully take care of our home while he is gone and we treat it as our own separation?

[Mr. Lucky]

My big question is- am I at a point where really I am done, or does a women ever get back from this stage? Do I recommend that I respectfully take care of our home while he is gone and we treat it as our own separation?

 

Not much detail to go on. For instance:

 

We didn't get into counseling but we have done heavy research on our own and his eyes truly opened and he immediately started picking up his slack and then some. (which is falling again)

 

Why would you not follow through on counseling? Much of your situation seems communication-based, a natural issue to be addressed in MC.

 

And how does he get "and then some" and then "which is falling again"? Is he trying? Isn't that what you were waiting for?

 

More questions than answers. With kids involved, you both owe a good-faith effort to make things work which requires an open mind and heart. Think long term...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Miss Polly]

First let me say that I commend you for your effort. Anything worth saving, is worth working for!

 

It is really hard to step into this not knowing everything, but I do not want you to feel your efforts were in vain. To that point, the fact that you approached your husband and asked for counseling, the fact that you researched TOGETHER, the fact that you are reaching out here, tells me you are not willing to give up. That your marriage is worth fighting for!

No marriage is perfect. We have to work at it everyday. Put into it what we want to get out of it. If that makes any sense. Also, apply the golden rule, treat them as you would like to be treated.

 

You know all the effort you have given, I have one question for you both, have you prayed on it, for it? I so believe in the power of prayer. If you haven’t, might I suggest you give that a try. And while your husband is away, pray for him!

 

I would not even label his departing for his military service. He has to serve his country, leave it at that. You will be separated because of that, no need to label it any other way.

 

Does what I say make sense to you?

 

Praying for you,

Miss Polly

[Satu]

"Am I too far gone?"

 

I don't think so just yet, but I think you're approaching the point of no return.

 

Get some counselling for yourself, to gain some clarity on what you really want to do.

 

Then you can work on making it happen.

 

Keep posting here; people will support you - each in their own way.

 

 

Take care.

[Just a Guy]

Hi Sunflower, having read your OP I have to say that whatever problems you seem to be facing are one sided. You have not said anything about your husband finding any faults in you or blaming you for the problems in the marriage. You have said that you and your husband have researched the problems you are facing together and that that has opened his eyes to what is wrong and he has made an effort and then some to rectify these. However you have not specifically said what these problems are. Is he a substance abuser or does he neglect you or is he emotionally unavailable or what else? Unless you list the nature of the problems that you are facing I do not think people on this forum will be able to give you any useful advice.

 

Secondly, you mentioned that these problems, whatever they are, were present even before you got married. In that case why did you marry? One does'nt willingly step into a minefield unless one had a death wish. Thirdly, it seems to me that you ate ripe for an affair which I'd why you have said you think of being with other men real and fantasy ones to boot. You have'nt said so but it maybe that you are already having an EA with someone which I'd why your husband is noe so unattractive to you as a partner both romantically and sexually. You know what's true. Please be honest with yourself and your husband. A marriage is always a work in progress and sometimes the work required is more than normal. Remember it takes two to have a handshake. If your husband is doing his part by working on himself what are you doing to repair the damage to your relationship? Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.

[KimJ1234]

Sounds like you're looking for a reason to leave, or looking for someone to give you the 'ok'.

Any situation in marriage is workable as long as both people are willing to put in the effort. You're not willing to put in the effort.

Your staying only for financial reasons and it's not really fair for him.

 

He sounds like he's trying to change or at least open his eyes to his faults. Give him a chance, you can come back from this if you focus on each other.