Just how rare is it to find someone who's compatible on all major dimensions?

July 13, 2005

I'm also really feeling selfish right now. That's totally awful, I know. Maybe part of this not being worried about being in a relationship is fear for me too. The thought of compromise, ack! Compromising who and what I want to be so I can be with someone else. Not real interested. Hell, I just broke up with this 4 year long relationship guy 6 months ago!

I know what you mean.

My feeling is that it's not awful to not get married or to want to live alone, even if it's for the rest of ours life. There are already quite enough people on the planet as it is, so it's not like humanity needs us to ensure the survival of the species. We just have to sleep in the beds that we make, that's all. It's worth considering what our lives might be like in 20 years, and will we regret our decisions now when it becomes harder to find a mate that we relate to on all levels.

I've thought about being a gypsy, but I know that when I get older I'll want someone to take care of me, or someone to take care of.

July 13, 2005

Well...usually. I mean, this woman is hot and I know she knows it - a real knockout. The other thing I guess I'm attracted to is that she seems so composed, like she's not phased by anything. She's definitely in control of herself, her emotions and thoughts, and that's sooooooooo sexy when coupled with her natural feminine beauty - and the fact that at her age she can have multiple orgasms (yowwwwieeeee!!!!)

Interesting. I found those same qualities attractive in both of my ex’s. They were both military (ironically, though one was Canadian ex-military) and knew how to control their emotions and stay in control period. But remember AMERIKAJIN, that can also be a negative in terms of having a romantic relationship. I know that at times with M. that would totally piss me off (as much as I can romanticize how grrreat our relationship was…). He wasn’t able to communicate his emotions.

Ex #2 actually admitted that he rarely even experiences feelings period. So ya, of course he could be in control when he doesn’t feel. I think when you can shut off your emotions there is something inhumane about that. You are less empathetic, etc. Then again, it would be possible that one actually has feelings, they just do not reveal them. I know after everything I’ve been through, I am becoming much more guarded about my own.

July 13, 2005

Well...usually. I mean, this woman is hot and I know she knows it - a real knockout. The other thing I guess I'm attracted to is that she seems so composed, like she's not phased by anything. She's definitely in control of herself, her emotions and thoughts, and that's sooooooooo sexy when coupled with her natural feminine beauty - and the fact that at her age she can have multiple orgasms (yowwwwieeeee!!!!)

Interesting. I found those same qualities attractive in both of my ex’s. They were both military (ironically, though one was Canadian ex-military) and knew how to control their emotions and stay in control period. But remember AMERIKAJIN, that can also be a negative in terms of having a romantic relationship. I know that at times with M. that would totally piss me off (as much as I can romanticize how grrreat our relationship was…). He wasn’t able to communicate his emotions.

Ex #2 actually admitted that he rarely even experiences feelings period. So ya, of course he could be in control when he doesn’t feel. I think when you can shut off your emotions there is something inhumane about that. You are less empathetic, etc. Then again, it would be possible that one actually has feelings, they just do not reveal them. I know after everything I’ve been through, I am becoming much more guarded about my own.

July 13, 2005

Well...usually. I mean, this woman is hot and I know she knows it - a real knockout. The other thing I guess I'm attracted to is that she seems so composed, like she's not phased by anything. She's definitely in control of herself, her emotions and thoughts, and that's sooooooooo sexy when coupled with her natural feminine beauty - and the fact that at her age she can have multiple orgasms (yowwwwieeeee!!!!)

Interesting. I found those same qualities attractive in both of my ex’s. They were both military (ironically, though one was Canadian ex-military) and knew how to control their emotions and stay in control period. But remember AMERIKAJIN, that can also be a negative in terms of having a romantic relationship. I know that at times with M. that would totally piss me off (as much as I can romanticize how grrreat our relationship was…). He wasn’t able to communicate his emotions.

Ex #2 actually admitted that he rarely even experiences feelings period. So ya, of course he could be in control when he doesn’t feel. I think when you can shut off your emotions there is something inhumane about that. You are less empathetic, etc. Then again, it would be possible that one actually has feelings, they just do not reveal them. I know after everything I’ve been through, I am becoming much more guarded about my own.

July 13, 2005

Well...usually. I mean, this woman is hot and I know she knows it - a real knockout. The other thing I guess I'm attracted to is that she seems so composed, like she's not phased by anything. She's definitely in control of herself, her emotions and thoughts, and that's sooooooooo sexy when coupled with her natural feminine beauty - and the fact that at her age she can have multiple orgasms (yowwwwieeeee!!!!)

Interesting. I found those same qualities attractive in both of my ex’s. They were both military (ironically, though one was Canadian ex-military) and knew how to control their emotions and stay in control period. But remember AMERIKAJIN, that can also be a negative in terms of having a romantic relationship. I know that at times with M. that would totally piss me off (as much as I can romanticize how grrreat our relationship was…). He wasn’t able to communicate his emotions.

Ex #2 actually admitted that he rarely even experiences feelings period. So ya, of course he could be in control when he doesn’t feel. I think when you can shut off your emotions there is something inhumane about that. You are less empathetic, etc. Then again, it would be possible that one actually has feelings, they just do not reveal them. I know after everything I’ve been through, I am becoming much more guarded about my own.

July 13, 2005

ooops what happened, triple, quadruple post, SORRY, my comp sucks.

July 13, 2005

Originally posted by SummerRae
Yes, ALPHAMALE (in case you're reading this) I'm sure they're out for one thing.

yes I am reading

would you expect anything less of these dudes?

July 13, 2005

Originally posted by shamen
So, yes, Amerikajin, it's rare indeed. I have yet to meet a man that I've been attracted to on every level, spirtually, emotionally, sexually, who could be a SOUL mate (not sole, as in foot). If I meet him, great. If not, I'll continue to be a serial monogamist.

That is my attitude at present. Although sometimes I think of trying to go for (b)… I just don’t have the patience for that. If something annoys me, it really annoys me. Serial monogamy ALL the way.

July 13, 2005

Originally posted by alphamale
yes I am reading

would you expect anything less of these dudes?

what do you mean?? Elaborate your cynical-istic viewpoint, but please explain it in terms that a romantic like I can understand.

July 14, 2005

Originally posted by amerikajin

I think a person knows when they are stronger than their partner, and it's not natural for a woman to feel stronger than her partner, which is why she dumps him ASAP if he can't pass her tests.

Interesting.... don't you think that you'd work this out within the first date or few dates? Or is it only down the track (and many dates later) that a person's real personality comes out?

When I date, I can know within the first meeting whether I will be too 'strong' for him; that said, its only recently that I have started to date the less masculine men, so this is a total learning curve. And its an interesting one.... and it does require you to look within yourself, and to give the other person more of a chance. And I am enjoying what I find. These less feisty guys, have just as much, if not more, to offer - once you give them a chance to open up.

The thing that sucks is that sometimes one or the other person can occasionally come to the wrong conclusion based on a first impression.

I agree. I had a nice date a few weeks ago - I thought it went well, I thought I'd hear from him but obviously I was a bit too vivacious for him! However, I guess I am glad that we didn't progress if there were going to be personality issues later on! In any case, its his choice and I wish him the best.

In my case, I am honestly not intimidated by this woman, I am just a little "wowed" by her you might say. I do something I don't normally do and called her up in the middle of the day two days after our date and wanted to talk just for a bit to get a sense for things, but she was in the middle of something at work so she couldn't talk - which is typically something I'm dubious of, but it is indeed possible that was the case. I sent a follow up e-mail just telling her I had a nice time and that I hoped to see her again. She replied today saying that I'm a "nice neighbor" (Blech!) I suppose it's possible something may come of it, but I doubt it

I think its great that you have had your socks knocked off! Its delightful when that happens....! However, one word of advice if I may? Us women can quite easily pick up on the fact that a man is 'wowed' by our appearance. In fact a girlfriend of mine and I were talking about our ex's and the one thing that we went for (in the end) was the fact that they both placed a lot of importance on our looks... it was an ego boost I guess.

Women too love the thrill of the chase in dating, and by letting her know that you think she's hot/sexy/gorgeous, its almost as if she has it in the bag. And also, neither my or my friend's ex's were good looking chaps - but they both had loads of confidence, which in turn was sexy to us.

I guess what I am saying is that make sure you keep confident that you too are handsome, and dammit you deserve a chick as good looking as her!!!

In my experience, when a woman is interested, she usually lets you know in no uncertain terms.

I don't know that a woman will let you know if she's keen straight away! Especially if you are not her usual 'type'. She may need some time to mull things over, and she may need some time for your charms to work! She may also be genuinely busy at work, and not able to give you the attention a conversation like that would have needed. Can you tell me about the date you had? Give me a bit more background?

For example, I had a great second date last night (his instigation) - and I am certainly interested, but I don't know how to proceed in letting him know that.... This guy is lovely, and as far as I can tell he is also interested, but I don't want to scare him off.

I have also just read 'He's just not that into you' (for a laugh really) which advocates that a woman should sit back and wait for him to show his interest. Do you agree with this tactic or is it OK for a woman to do a little work (say send a thank you txt message?)

I don't know where we stand at this point.
She's outgoing but not ostentatious. She's 35, in great shape, and she dresses to the hilt, immaculate. She's very much a woman, but after talking to her, I can also tell that she's got strength. She's 'different'.

Wow! I want to be her when I grow up!

Amerika, she may be strong, she may be gorgeous, she may be intelligent, but deep down, she still wants to be loved, and to love someone. Don't throw the towel in yet - you stand as good a chance as any man!!!

July 14, 2005

When I date, I can know within the first meeting whether I will be too 'strong' for him; that said, its only recently that I have started to date the less masculine men, so this is a total learning curve. And its an interesting one.... and it does require you to look within yourself, and to give the other person more of a chance. And I am enjoying what I find. These less feisty guys, have just as much, if not more, to offer - once you give them a chance to open up.

Sometimes it's obvious on the first date that it's not going to work, for whatever reason. But there are times when I/you/we can come to the wrong conclusion. How many times have I thought, "Man, if I could have just had a second date with her?" And I'm sure there have been some who've felt the same way about me after I've decided to move on.

I agree. I had a nice date a few weeks ago - I thought it went well, I thought I'd hear from him but obviously I was a bit too vivacious for him! However, I guess I am glad that we didn't progress if there were going to be personality issues later on! In any case, its his choice and I wish him the best.

You never know - he may have already had something on the side but could have been just testing the waters. I mean, there are myriad reasons why someone decided not to go out on a second date, some of which have not a whole lot to do with the individual they're rejecting. I don't take rejection nearly as personally as I used to, fortunately. You just have to keep playing the game until you win.

Women too love the thrill of the chase in dating, and by letting her know that you think she's hot/sexy/gorgeous, its almost as if she has it in the bag. And also, neither my or my friend's ex's were good looking chaps - but they both had loads of confidence, which in turn was sexy to us.

Well, I didn't directly tell her she was good looking or anything like that. I think the only real compliment I gave her that night was that she had good taste (the coffee shop we went to) and that she seems very calm - I'll explain.

You see, before we went out, we actually went back and forth trying to set up a meeting. But the first time, I got sick; then the second time, she didn't feel well. In fact, I had more or less written it off because we were both busy and for one reason or another it wasn't working out.

But then one day she spots me at the train station and approaches me. So we talk and get into a nice discussion about various things and she sent me a message the next day. So, again, we try to coordinate schedules but we're both busy over the course of the next week, so I suggested a date ten days out, to which she initially agreed...but then followed it up later that night by saying that she normally doesn't set up plans that far out in advance so I should call her just to make sure.

Well, at that point I was beginning to suspect we had a little princess on our hands, so I just got pretty blunt and told her to forget it - told her to go waste someone else's time. She called me within two minutes and apologized and said that it was a misunderstanding (she's Japanese so while her English is good, it isn't perfect). So anyway, we set it up and went out and had some wine at this trendy coffee/wine place. I think the date itself went okay, but I think I made some mistakes afterward.

I called her during the day, just to let her know I enjoyed it, figuring she might enjoy the surprise. However, I think she was caught off guard and wasn't really in the mood to speak. I followed it up with a text message reiterating my interest in seeing her again, but that if we didn't, I still had a good time anyway (I know, bad move - I could have done without the last few words).

She did write back and told me thanks for the kind note, that it was nice to have such a kind neighbor and said "See you around". But I'm not really encouraged.

I think I'm going to lay low for a week and see what happens. I'll probably give her a call next week sometime.

July 14, 2005

I mean, there are myriad reasons why someone decided not to go out on a second date, some of which have not a whole lot to do with the individual they're rejecting. I don't take rejection nearly as personally as I used to, fortunately. You just have to keep playing the game until you win.

Absolutely! There was no offence taken, and in fact I was pleased that we were both mature enough to meet for a coffee date and then part amicably at the end. All these experiences are valuable and we can only learn from them.

Well, at that point I was beginning to suspect we had a little princess on our hands, so I just got pretty blunt and told her to forget it - told her to go waste someone else's time. She called me within two minutes and apologized and said that it was a misunderstanding. So anyway, we set it up and went out and had some wine at this trendy coffee/wine place.

Ahh, the old shock tactic worked!!! Us woman can faff around for ages before committing to a date! This is where we like the man to take charge and in your case it worked! I don’t want to make assumptions but perhaps the blunt and direct approach is what she prefers?

I think the date itself went okay, but I think I made some mistakes afterward. I called her during the day, just to let her know I enjoyed it, figuring she might enjoy the surprise. However, I think she was caught off guard and wasn't really in the mood to speak. I followed it up with a text message reiterating my interest in seeing her again, but that if we didn't, I still had a good time anyway (I know, bad move - I could have done without the last few words).

She did write back and told me thanks for the kind note, that it was nice to have such a kind neighbor and said "See you around". But I'm not really encouraged.

I think I'm going to lay low for a week and see what happens. I'll probably give her a call next week sometime.

Give her some time…. If she thinks that the date went well and that you are interested, then she can probably sit on that knowledge for a while. However, if she doesn’t hear from you for a while, her interest may be aroused again, and the door may open for you. There is nothing like the loss of attention to get one interested again!

I don’t think following up after a date is a mistake. In fact I appreciate it – whether I am interested or not. To me it shows manners, which I rate highly. However, the message shouldn’t be too gushy or pushy… that’s a turnoff!

And you know what? I was expecting a thank you message today - and I haven't got one, so now I am totally interested!!! Silly huh?

That said, what I want to know is if its OK for a girl to send a thank you message after a date? Or should I leave that up to him?

Honestly, this dating thing gets confusing sometimes! But its fun too!

July 14, 2005

Yes, it's definitely okay to send a thank you note to a guy.

Now keep in mind, it has the same effect on us that it has on you. He'll know he's interested and may even suspect that he's got you right where he wants you; on the other hand, it may encourage him to keep in touch with you and ask you out on another date ASAP. It just depends on the person, but there's nothing wrong at all with saying "Thanks for the other night - had a good time. See you around." Just leave it at that.

July 14, 2005

Your bluntness caused her to make a quick decision and she decided that you were interesting enough to give you the pleasure of a date. I wouldn't be so proud though about the fact that she agreed to a date with you. What did she risk? Not much really. And she had been interested in you, otherwise she wouldn't have called you back. But what did you achieve with your bluntness? You caused resentments, because you started pushing her. You also revealed that you obviously felt offended by her behavior. It's ok to feel offended if the intent was to offend, but what if it wasn't? You made her resent you a little bit for assuming malice on her part and you also showed her that you were touchy.

You think this date went well. It probably did, till you decided to send her a thank you note which made your interest in her very obvious. Did anything she do warrant this kind of thankfulness? Thank you notes are great when you're a 100 % sure that the woman enjoyed the date as much as you and reciprocates your feelings to the same extent, otherwise they reveal too much, in my opinion.

Your woman knows she has you and she has lost a lot of interest. How can you get her back? You'll have to spark her interest again somehow, certainly not by asking her out for a second date. If she is as you described, she's not interested in a man who runs after her.

People waste too much time trying to figure out how to impress the other gender instead of just doing what they like and knowing what their inner self is. You're on the right track when you have the courage to stand up for yourself and walk away without resentments when someone doesn't treat you right. You should trust people unless they give you a reason to doubt them. And you can only trust them when you know you're strong enough to stand up against them.

You will get the date that you want when you are convinced that you would like to date yourself if you could.

July 14, 2005

Originally posted by amerikajin
Yes, it's definitely okay to send a thank you note to a guy.

Now keep in mind, it has the same effect on us that it has on you. He'll know he's interested and may even suspect that he's got you right where he wants you; on the other hand, it may encourage him to keep in touch with you and ask you out on another date ASAP. It just depends on the person, but there's nothing wrong at all with saying "Thanks for the other night - had a good time. See you around." Just leave it at that.

But will he think this even if he's the shy/metrosexual type? He seemed rather shy and stuff....

Put it this way, he didn't come across as all that self confident (even though he's a good looking chap!); and he didn't seem like he had the dating thing down pat... if you get my gist?

I'm not terribly concerned about sending a message, and am happy for him to do so - or not. I certainly don't want to rush into things but I'd like him to know that we can be friends or go on a date again, if he wishes to.

I guess I have that post-date paranoia, "I should've done this"; "I shouldn't have said that"; "maybe if I'd...." you know? I am sure it happens to all of us! Hey, like you with your sassy lady.... !!!!

July 14, 2005

First off, I don't think I quite understood your first post, Amerikajin. You were dating both your soul mate and her friend when they both discovered it? Bad boy!!!

As for soul mates... I don't buy into the theory at all. I don't think that there only is one person whom you click with. It's more like a certain type of people, some general characteristics one considers very important that the SO may hold. Other than that, in my mind, there are 2 major points that are very important, other than the "click", spiritual connection, etc. He (in my case) must be altruistic enough to think of my well being also - I've given up on him thinking of my well being first, LOL - and I must be very attracted to him sexually.

Stupid, but I discovered that if I love someone who doesn't respect this two things, the relationship will fail.

As for being feminine, I am way too feminine. I don't have enough confidence in myself, I don't like being single, I love taking care of someone, I love cooking, I love pets and children and I fear being too independant.

On the other side, I hate / cannot stand a man who decides everything for me and who doesn't believe in me or respect me - my opinions. I have never had a man who was there for me - even if I'm jumping from one relationship to another, I've always known I was on my own. I start to come to term with this idea and I'm not scared anymore.

the thing is, I've accepted tat never, another human being can totally and always be there for you whenever you need it. It's too much of a burden, plus I don't think anyone can actually ask his/her SO this.

Other than that, my only point to this thread it: if you meet a special person, treat her right. The main point, IMHO, isn't the fact that they're rare, but the fact that they are so special and your acknowledging that on another level than the intelectual one makes one worthy of being around such a special human being and maybe makes yourself special as well.

July 14, 2005

Thanks for the input, lovergal. I'm not sure if I agree with your post in its entirety, but I think you're generally right about the big picture.

I wouldn't be so proud though about the fact that she agreed to a date with you. What did she risk? Not much really. And she had been interested in you, otherwise she wouldn't have called you back. But what did you achieve with your bluntness? You caused resentments, because you started pushing her. You also revealed that you obviously felt offended by her behavior. It's ok to feel offended if the intent was to offend, but what if it wasn't? You made her resent you a little bit for assuming malice on her part and you also showed her that you were touchy.

I've wondered about that in the past few days. On the one hand, I could have caused resentment; on the other hand, if I just let it slide - not knowing her or anything - I could be setting myself up to look like a wussy who will allow a woman to rearrange her schedule and date me whenever the hell she wants. I don't mind being flexible at all; I'm very patient. But when I sense that someone's saying "Well, mmm, maybe, I don't know, just call me that day and, yeah, if I'm up to it, when can go out - or something."....I tend to get a little irritated and I just get to the point. Maybe I shouldn't have said "Forget it", maybe I should have just posed the question to her - but then I look like I'm trying to figure something out, which in her mind is obvious. At my point in life, I've started making "gut calls". I'm not always right, but I go with what my gut tells me based on my experiences.

You think this date went well. It probably did, till you decided to send her a thank you note which made your interest in her very obvious. Did anything she do warrant this kind of thankfulness? Thank you notes are great when you're a 100 % sure that the woman enjoyed the date as much as you and reciprocates your feelings to the same extent, otherwise they reveal too much, in my opinion.

What's wrong with making my interest obvious? I do agree that I shouldn't look like she's the centerpiece of my life, especially after only one day. But if I really enjoyed someone's company, and if I happen to find them attractive, well then, I don't see the problem in letting them know I'm interested. But I do agree - moderation is key. And I'm now in the process of moderating.

I think she enjoyed the date. Now, did she enjoy it as much as I did? I don't know - there's only one way to find out. That's why I gave her the call, and sent her the note.

Your woman knows she has you and she has lost a lot of interest. How can you get her back? You'll have to spark her interest again somehow, certainly not by asking her out for a second date. If she is as you described, she's not interested in a man who runs after her.

Unfortunately, I'd have to agree. I don't know how I can regain any spark that was lost...so I guess I'll just do nothing for the time being. She's not averse to calling; she doesn't seem shy, so I think that if she's really interested she'll find a way to let me know whether I contact her again or not.

People waste too much time trying to figure out how to impress the other gender instead of just doing what they like and knowing what their inner self is. You're on the right track when you have the courage to stand up for yourself and walk away without resentments when someone doesn't treat you right. You should trust people unless they give you a reason to doubt them. And you can only trust them when you know you're strong enough to stand up against them.

Yyyeah...I see what you're saying, but I think that each situation is different. I mean, the reality is that some women like to test men. Beautiful women know they have what men want, so some women have a tendency to play with a guy just to see if they can push him around a little. And they know that 9 times out of 10 they can. But my reaction wasn't a game - it was real. It was a feeling like I was being disrespected, and I'm not gonna be disrespected. I don't care if she's miss universe.

You will get the date that you want when you are convinced that you would like to date yourself if you could.

I don't really lack confidence. I mean, sure, like anyone, I have demons and insecurities - but everyone does. But in terms of thinking "Oh, I shouldn't ask her or go out with her, she's out of my league." No, no...I don't think that way. I'm just a realist, that's all. I have good qualities; I have bad qualities, too, but I think the good outweighs the bad. And I'm always trying to work on those weak spots.

July 14, 2005

Originally posted by lovergal
You will get the date that you want when you are convinced that you would like to date yourself if you could.

Good point!

July 14, 2005

Originally posted by lovergal
Your bluntness caused her to make a quick decision and she decided that you were interesting enough to give you the pleasure of a date. I wouldn't be so proud though about the fact that she agreed to a date with you. What did she risk? Not much really. And she had been interested in you, otherwise she wouldn't have called you back. But what did you achieve with your bluntness? You caused resentments, because you started pushing her. You also revealed that you obviously felt offended by her behavior. It's ok to feel offended if the intent was to offend, but what if it wasn't? You made her resent you a little bit for assuming malice on her part and you also showed her that you were touchy.

WHOAAAAAAAAA, K, I've been following this post most of the way along but I think you're DEAD OFF. I don't think Amerijak is doing anything wrong or abnormal and I, personally, think your comments are way off base. I disagree with practically everything you said. What is wrong with him being honest? I don't think she's the one for him but I don't think it's any fault of his actions...

July 14, 2005

All I'm saying is, being touchy = overly sensitive, clingy, needy, lacking self-confidence and being very eager confirmed through a thank you note is a bad combination.

If you felt that you had been treated unfairly the only right thing to do would have been to suck it up and not contact her anymore. What's the use of running after someone who is not interested in you? And if you were right, what's the use of criticizing a near stranger for impoliteness? Are you her daddy who has to lecture her about manners? Do you think she was grateful for being reminded of her impoliteness? So, your first mistake was to show lack of understanding for a woman's situation. I'm pretty sure she didn't forget this. Personally I don't like overly sensitive guys who jump to conclusions and lash out at me. People in general don't like this.

The second mistake was sending her this thank you note. Her reaction showed that you didn't have success with it. She was not thankful at all, she was nice and polite and that was it. Nobody likes getting bugged with affection when it's not reciprocated it.

July 14, 2005

Originally posted by lovergal
All I'm saying is, being touchy = overly sensitive, clingy, needy, lacking self-confidence and being very eager confirmed through a thank you note is a bad combination.

If you felt that you had been treated unfairly the only right thing to do would have been to suck it up and not contact her anymore. What's the use of running after someone who is not interested in you? And if you were right, what's the use of criticizing a near stranger for impoliteness? Are you her daddy who has to lecture her about manners? Do you think she was grateful for being reminded of her impoliteness? So, your first mistake was to show lack of understanding for a woman's situation. I'm pretty sure she didn't forget this. Personally I don't like overly sensitive guys who jump to conclusions and lash out at me. People in general don't like this.

The second mistake was sending her this thank you note. Her reaction showed that you didn't have success with it. She was not thankful at all, she was nice and polite and that was it. Nobody likes getting bugged with affection when it's not reciprocated it.

I see your point, but I think that he did the right thing by putting it out there and seeing where he stood with her. Now he doesn’t have to waste time wondering.

July 15, 2005

Lovergal,

I don't necessarily disagree with your bottom line - which is, I don't think she's interested after all, either. But I wanted to clarify a few things in general, or at least get your responses to some of my questions and remarks.

All I'm saying is, being touchy = overly sensitive, clingy, needy, lacking self-confidence and being very eager confirmed through a thank you note is a bad combination.

As someone who's been clingy but over the years unclinged (lol), I think I know what clinginess is and what it isn't, though I admit it's not always to be objective about one's self. I don't think I was acting clingy; I definitely did send her the signals that I was interested, but I've always believed that if you're interested, that's what you should do. Granted, there's a right way and a wrong way to do it, and much of it depends on the timing.

If you felt that you had been treated unfairly the only right thing to do would have been to suck it up and not contact her anymore. What's the use of running after someone who is not interested in you? And if you were right, what's the use of criticizing a near stranger for impoliteness?

I see what you're saying. But, I really was prepared to let her go - she called me up immediately after the fact and told me that she wanted to get together. Don't you think that she could have just as easily said "Oh well, whatever!" And not responded. I think she realized that I was calling her on her indecision, which in reality is code for = somewhat interested, somewhat not interested.

Why did I pursue her afterward? Because I thought that by getting a date with her that we could get to know each other better and clear the air. I liked our time together and I thought she did, too - perhaps I was wrong. That's why you go out on the date, to see if you mesh with the other person. I'm not bitter about anything. I had my chance, and now whatever happens, happens. But I agree that it's futile to stew over what should have been or to hold something against a stranger - I don't.

Do you think she was grateful for being reminded of her impoliteness? So, your first mistake was to show lack of understanding for a woman's situation. I'm pretty sure she didn't forget this. Personally I don't like overly sensitive guys who jump to conclusions and lash out at me. People in general don't like this.

Nor do I, but misunderstandings sometimes can, and do, occur. And sometimes someone must consider why the other person might have lashed out. The other alternative would have been to say or do nothing, and then create an atmosphere in which neither person knows where they stand. I didn't call her a b!tch, I just more or less made the point that I thought she was wasting my time and I didn't appreciate it. I thought she was jerking me around initially and was indeed prepared to write her off, but she responded and I was satisfied with her explanation at the time. But maybe I'll try the alternative in the future. Love's a game of trial and error, I guess.

The second mistake was sending her this thank you note. Her reaction showed that you didn't have success with it. She was not thankful at all, she was nice and polite and that was it. Nobody likes getting bugged with affection when it's not reciprocated it.

Again, not disputing the bottom line here, and who knows - with this particular person in question, you may very well be right. But, is it wrong to let someone know that you had a good time after a date? I don't see how that's bugging. Now if you let someone know on the second, third and fourth day after and you keep trying to set up another date, well then yes, that's bugging and making it all obvious.

You're probably right about this particular situation. I guess I was more or less taking exception the general tone of some of the statements you made. As a general rule, I don't think being straight up honest and direct with someone is wrong, nor is sending a thank you note afterward. But, it depends on other factors, and frankly, it depends on the other person's interest level or level of attraction, which in my case, I can't say I ever sensed it was as high as mine in hers. So perhaps there you have it.

But I certainly didn't take offense to your post. I thought it was insightful and it's made me think. Thanks.

July 15, 2005

Originally posted by amerikajin
You're probably right about this particular situation. I guess I was more or less taking exception the general tone of some of the statements you made. As a general rule, I don't think being straight up honest and direct with someone is wrong, nor is sending a thank you note afterward. But, it depends on other factors, and frankly, it depends on the other person's interest level or level of attraction, which in my case, I can't say I ever sensed it was as high as mine in hers. So perhaps there you have it.

But I certainly didn't take offense to your post. I thought it was insightful and it's made me think. Thanks.

Yes, the whole dating game can be both a painful experience and an amusingly mysterious one. I, myself, prefer to be as honest as possible because I think about how I would want to be treated. I wouldn't want someone holding back how they felt, though moderation is definitely key.

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