infoda Posted November 8, 2016 Posted November 8, 2016 (edited) So, for over 4 months I’ve been seeing this girl from my extended social circle. I’m in my mid 30s, she is in her late 20s. We’re both quite high social status and good looking. I don’t know how many of you guys are familiar about the Passion Trap or Passion Paradox concept but anyhow, somehow I’ve ended up as a one down in this “relationship” and this **** is making me feel anxious and not good about our relationship a lot of times. I was at first a bit slow to move forward with her, so I thought I almost put her in auto-rejection. So I started the whole dynamic a bit weak. I took her out from there though and now we've been seeing each other for over 4 months. Lately we sometimes see each other even up to 4-5 times a week and more than often spend the night at each others places. She gets in touch quite a lot and tries to make plans. During these 4 months, we've made several trips together. Some that are even a 1-2 weeks long. But there are some things that make me feel doubtful about the whole thing. Maybe I’m overthinking everything but there certainly are some things that I haven't made up and my gut is saying something is up. Or maybe she is just very independent girl and not someone I'm looking for. For example, she has an ex who is polyamorous who denied her monogamy and then they decided to call it off as she wanted more. Supposedly around 8 months ago. But they still keep in touch. The dude even has an office in the same building where she lives. The dude still wants her, just he only wanted to give her around 5 hours a week and only saw her on 1:1 terms not going out together, so after a while she called it quits as she wanted more and for the relationship to develop. She says they're good friends now just, but I think they both still have unresolved romantic feelings to each other. He has other girls but still fancies her and would take her back on rotation (on his terms) any time I guess. And she talks so highly of him and still sees him from time to time to do some stuff together. She wants to go her drawing class and also asks his advice on some things. This makes me feel, that as soon as she gets a little bored, she might get back to him. I’ve heard that before. A girl wants monogamy from polyamorous man. Man denies this. A girl goes to new guy who will give her more time and monogamy. And as soon as NRE or honeymoon period wears off, she is back with the polyamorous man. She says she prefers monogamy but is open to polygamy. I didn’t quite get if that from her part or from the mans part. In either case, they called it off (at least for the time being), as she didn’t get enough from him. Ok, this is this. But more thing is, that she is really hot and cold sometimes. We go out and most of the time when we’re at parties, she disappears and acts distant, then she reappears. Also, she parties way too hard. I like to party too and I think I’m quite a hardcore even but she outdoes even me. At first I was fine with it and it was fun, but now it feels it’s not really OK and she just might be looking for something else or "better". She says she sometimes acts distant because of her demanding acting roles (she is an actor) that make a mark on her and take a toll and take a while to come off. But I see she is very lively and eager to talk to others but not to me at those points and it's only when we're out at parties. Up until now, although we did almost all couple-like things together, she was reluctant to call us a couple or boyfriend-girlfriend. I didn’t want to bring this up, as I think this should be women's area to talk about this first. But people around us asked all the time and things just got weird. Like we’re exclusive but not a couple. We both know we're exclusive now in terms of sex but she definitely hasn't called us girlfriend-boyfriend and I see her discomfort when she hears someone calling us that. Is she in some sort of rebound? She doesn’t really ask me many personal questions although I ask about her. She doesn’t ask about my day or wish me good night or good morning. She calls me dear or honey a lot but that’s it. She hasn’t said much else loving. And she calls her ex and some other good friends the same way. It even feels she is out of words. She wants to call me affectionately but doesn't want to go more deeper and then she is stuck with this one word. She is really affectionate but mostly when we’re together as two and mostly when it’s around sex. She really seems to enjoy our sex life but now I’m starting to think maybe that’s the only thing keeping us together. Although the sex is good, then I'm not actually interested in only that. I can get sex elsewhere too. And why be exclusive when there's no future? She says we’re exclusive but she gets hit on left and right (I guess as most girls do). But it doesn't seem she does much to show she is with me, when we're out. So, that's why I guess she gets hit on more. I on the other hand as a man would have to go out and approach other girls. She cooks me food and gives me small things all the time. So I'm thinking is this real or just she is filling her time and needs someone to take care a little but doesn't really think of me as a long term prospect... I don't get in touch much as I want to see if she really wants me and she does constantly get in touch and make plans but then sometimes acts shady when we're out. I don't mind her going out by herself. She could go and flirt and hook up or whatever but it annoys she is like that when we're out together. Like she doesn't seem to value my time with her. I give her this time, so she should be with me. I don't have endless supply of time either. I'm a busy guy. Like I could be out by myself then. We’re from quite different fields, although I’m interested in her field. I guess she is not that much interested in mine (no questions). All this **** is making me feel more and more of a one down and just generally makes me feel crappy. She constantly makes short term plans but doesn’t really include me in long term plans and hasn’t invited me to a far-away long trip she plans for next spring. I’m probably adding to this with my overthinking. I used to be quite outcome independent and with good abundance mentality but after my bad breakup two years ago, where my ex emotionally cheated with my friend and in the end broke up with me to be with him and then pushed and pulled me for 3 month after ruining anything else I started to have going on after I tried to get over the breakup (they now broke up after around 1,5 years together), then this has generated me some deep trust issues. And definitely made me a bit more bitter and needy. I’m fighting these urges with some success but I’m just having issues with a concept of long-term monogamous relationship is even possible in modern society. I always used to be one up or sometimes I've been equal/in balance. The only time different was the breakup two years ago when the tip of the scales suddenly changed and I became one down. That sucked badly and I never want to be one again. I like her but I’m just trying to determine whether I should continue with her or not. I don’t want to get even more invested than I already am. And I don't want to have another bad breakup. I guess one solution would be to go out separately and look into other girls. So I would care less about our potential relationship. There are nice girls interested in me. But that would definitely ruin our chance for growing closeness and intimacy. I've seen some development and growth in us too. But just then something happens that makes me feel as WTF again I don't want to waste my time and energy on something not worth it. Ideas? Thank you!!! Edited November 8, 2016 by infoda
smackie9 Posted November 8, 2016 Posted November 8, 2016 I have a simple solution......open honest communication of your expectations. Talk to her instead of assuming what she could be thinking or wanting. She is not a mind reader.
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