How can a cute female MD be single?

[No_Go]

How do you be who you are ... while having to downplay who you are ... because of someone else's insecurities? I can imagine it's very frustrating.

 

In my experience it is very frustrating indeed, but I believe it can work under the following conditions:

1) the woman is very confident in herself dn the dating situation (so she s not phased out by popping insecurities from the guy)

2) the guy is confident himself (not envious)

3) both are ok with ditching some of the traditional gender roles: if she needs to work long hours - so be it, if she earns more and he takes care for the kids - it is ok, etc.

 

I have a few very accomplished friends that have successful marriages - one is a professor in a competitive institution and a mother of 2 young kids. She transferred to a new university and gave birth literally in the same month and her husband had to basically become a SAHD for the sake of the family. He had a good career himself but he agreed to temporary put it on hold. I though this makes total sense but they received a lot of 'friendly' remarks how they are 'not doing the things right' and he's not a 'real' man. I can imagine if one of them was lacking confidence this would have slowly affected if not broke the marriage.

 

Interesting.

 

My ex-wife has a PhD and she apparently settled for a guy beneath her standards. My daughter says she's miserable. Very unhappy. I think she stays just to have a man.

 

I think accomplished women have to walk a fine line between being intimidating because of their accomplishments and settling for someone who is not a good match simply to have a man.

 

How can you pursue your dreams and find a good match who is secure and will treat you well? In a society that says men should take care of women, be the most accomplished, make the most money and so forth.

 

How do you be who you are ... while having to downplay who you are ... because of someone else's insecurities? I can imagine it's very frustrating.

[LurkerXX]

Oh her making more money....how terrible it would be to have more money to work with in the partnership!!! But seriously..if you could get over the intimidation factor like some men seem to be unable to do, the time factor of a profession like that is the thing you got to really think over. Also there is a lot of debt to pay off, but their earnings tend to do that comfortably-but it does tie them to continue that high salary work, so reduces their flexibility to choose something else; it is a full on commitment.

 

I know quite a few women, many in medical support professions, who nix doctors as likely dates, same as those who nix salesmen, cops, and airline pilots. Seems to them the reputation of cheating outweighs the money.

Edited November 10, 2016 by LurkerXX

[spiderowl]

Could be a variety of reasons and it depends on her personality. She may be looking for someone of equivalent professional status or it could be that guys are put off by her status.

 

I think any very intelligent woman is going to find it hard to find an intellectual match online, but someone with a Masters is going to be fine in that respect.

 

She may find that the guys she encounters are more interested in her body than her mind. That can seem pretty insulting when you make your living by using your intelligence and skills. First approaches such as 'you are really pretty, how come you haven't been snapped up' just show the guy is looking at appearances and putting that first. Approaches such as 'sexy, I love an intelligent woman in stockings' might also not appeal to someone whose life involves taking care of people who are often in pain and emotional distress. It would seem crass and insensitive.

 

I think a guy who is genuine and bright would stand as good a chance as anyone if there was mutual physical attraction too.

 

What I would advise any guy against doing is saying something like 'we are two adults who are attracted to each other' - er, who says so?

[Gr8fuln2020]

Intellectual capacity is not the same as emotional intelligence. I read once somewhere that women executives, lawyers and doctors make horrible romantic decisions because they lack emotional intelligence. For all I know it could have been written by one of those many men who are intimidated by intelligent women.

 

I'd say a huge number of guys don't want a woman who is a lot smarter than him and is a lot more successful than he is, it's known to be a "buzz kill" and they find women like that less sexually appealing.

 

We're not talking equals, I'm talking > than. Women tend to be turned on by a man who is a lot smarter than they are I don't believe it works as well the other way around.

 

I dated a doctor. It didn't work out, but it lasted some time. She was very honest about why she ultimately dated me...I was smarter than she was. :-) Yeah, not certain at all if she would have dated a man less intelligent than herself.

 

I would love to date a smarter woman, but as Sunkissedpatio says, the more accomplished ladies are not likely to oblige. :-)

[Eternal Sunshine]

Could be a variety of reasons and it depends on her personality. She may be looking for someone of equivalent professional status or it could be that guys are put off by her status.

 

I think any very intelligent woman is going to find it hard to find an intellectual match online, but someone with a Masters is going to be fine in that respect.

 

She may find that the guys she encounters are more interested in her body than her mind. That can seem pretty insulting when you make your living by using your intelligence and skills. First approaches such as 'you are really pretty, how come you haven't been snapped up' just show the guy is looking at appearances and putting that first. Approaches such as 'sexy, I love an intelligent woman in stockings' might also not appeal to someone whose life involves taking care of people who are often in pain and emotional distress. It would seem crass and insensitive.

 

I think a guy who is genuine and bright would stand as good a chance as anyone if there was mutual physical attraction too.

 

What I would advise any guy against doing is saying something like 'we are two adults who are attracted to each other' - er, who says so?

 

Bolded has been exactly my experience. OLD seems to be more of a meat market than anything. I had so many instances where I would sit across from a guy trying to talk about something and I could tell he is not listening and keeps saying generic phrases like "that's hot". "your opinion is sexy, back to my place?" with clearly not being interested in the discussion.

 

I am currently dating a guy (third date) who is super smart and genuinely interested in my mind but there is just no physical attraction

 

Finding both is such an uphill battle and then they turn out to be married or something else goes horribly wrong.

[OatsAndHall]

I will echo what other people have said and venture to say that she has had a busy and chaotic life since she started college. That has left very little room for dating and she is now being pragmatic in using the dating sites to try and find someone. She probably still struggles to find time to meet someone and is testing the waters using technology.

 

I imagine that she has established very high standards for herself which is a great thing. She is obviously an intelligent and educated woman with an established career and wants to find someone within that same category. This can be difficult via dating websites as she has probably been bombarded with messages from guys that are not as bright as she is. I have several female friends that are on dating websites and they have shared with me the horror stories of the messages they get from many guys. Many innuendoes, cheesy pick-up lines, and flattering them over their appearance. This leaves them pretty jaded as they are both looking for someone who has an interest in what they have shared in their profiles, not their pictures..

 

However these high standards can backfire on a man or woman. I chatted with a woman via Match for a bit who is is the head of the accounting department in a hospital.She is a bright and educated woman that knows what she wants in a relationship. Her and I had several good conversations about life, common interests but we stopped communicating because she was looking for someone that makes more money.. I am highly educated (I have a Masters degree), have an established career, but I am a teacher and only make a third of what she does. A part of me respects that she knows what she wants in that regard but there's another part of me that found it shallow and unrealistic. We live in one of the least populated states in the country and the likelihood of her finding someone that makes $75k per year is going to be difficult at best. Plus, her and I may not have ever worked but she could be missing out on the potential for a great time dating if she would dial it back a bit. But, I politely bowed out and wished her the best.

Edited November 12, 2016 by OatsAndHall

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Somehow we are STILL accustomed to believe if a woman is attractive, a long-term single and not dating and 30 there is something wrong with her and if she is still single and 30 somehow she has failed.

 

If she doesn't want to date, she doesn't want to date. Sounds like she doesn't want to date OP, and OP makes such a big deal of being intimidated by her intellect and success that she is has an MD of course, that he doesn't even try. I think she deserves a guy that has a bit more confidence in himself.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Somehow we are STILL accustomed to believe if a woman is attractive, a long-term single and not dating and 30 there is something wrong with her and if she is still single and 30 somehow she has failed.

 

If she doesn't want to date, she doesn't want to date. Sounds like she doesn't want to date OP, and OP makes such a big deal of being intimidated by her intellect and success that she is has an MD of course, that he doesn't even try. I think she deserves a guy that has a bit more confidence in himself.

 

Yeah, you don't start questioning until they reach their 40s, STILL single and then you have to wonder.

[BlueIris]

Yeah, you don't start questioning until they reach their 40s, STILL single and then you have to wonder. :roll eyes:

 

 

What do you wonder? Why relationship wasn't a top priority for her?

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Yeah, you don't start questioning until they reach their 40s, STILL single and then you have to wonder.

 

Even if she does reach to her forties still single, it's her journey and her business.

 

The most blissfully happiest women I've met, are the ones that are comfortable in their own skin, and have standards that are reasonable and they acknowledge their own worth. They may not have a string of failed relationships or this so called " experience" in relationships that make them " a great catch" they may have been single for a long time- but if they have a great relationship with themselves and are confident- doesn't that count for more than so called " experience" with men? Most guys I've met just want someone who is loyal, in fact, guys I've met associate with less experience with less baggage and more likely to be more loyal to the guy they are with. I'm not entirely sure how they reached to that conclusion.

 

I'm getting to know someone who has said so long as I have slept with less than ten people than he's fine with getting to know me. He's become the clingiest person I have ever met.

 

It shouldn't matter what job a woman has, or how many men she's slept with or lack there off-, or even what she has achieved by whatever age she's at what happened to good old fashioned self acceptance?

 

and plu-eze asking why someone is still single, is the most ignorant, stupid, uncomfortable, rude and deserves-a-punch-in-the-face kinda question.

 

NEVER, EVER ASK IT.

[Gr8fuln2020]

What do you wonder? Why relationship wasn't a top priority for her?

 

Thank you, BlueIris. Yes. Or why if it had been, why didn't it work out. Frankly, I would be interested in knowing why a 40+ MD never married. It may go to the core of relationship compatibility. My personal experience attests to the relevance of such an observation/wondering...

Edited November 13, 2016 by simpleNfit

[white]

at 30+ i recently graduated as a mature student. i know many lecturers with phd's and phd students. i noticed myself a curious percentage are perennially single.

 

you have to basically suspend romantic aspirations during the process, for years, it takes all your time and energy. then after youve achieved your goal it can be hard to re-establish social behaviours and get back to meeting people even before considering the effort it takes to find and lead a postgrad career. ive often considered that the postgraduate process seems to rather break people. most of my phd owning lecturers were either neurotic as hell or had drug habits.

 

besides that, lets be honest; people who desire and are able to gain doctorates, a serious achievement, are clearly high flyers. people like that are so success and career focused they wont care about romance until they feel theyve arrived at the level they want in life. its a lower priority for them than their job. they may not want to date or care about being single.

[salparadise]

Her and I had several good conversations about life, common interests but we stopped communicating because she was looking for someone that makes more money.. I am highly educated (I have a Masters degree), have an established career, but I am a teacher and only make a third of what she does. A part of me respects that she knows what she wants in that regard but there's another part of me that found it shallow and unrealistic.

 

Sometimes the womenz wants what they wants, and they can be picky and uncompromising... whereas men do the best they can, but are willing to compromise in order to close a deal.

 

But you're right... they do paint themselves into a corner. I dated an oral surgeon for awhile. She owned an endodontics practice with a few others and over time I gathered enough tidbits of data to calculate her income. Over 1m a year, maybe 1.5m. She's also a Mensa member, yada, yada... where she'll ever find a man equal to all of that I have no idea. She's used to being right, used to being in charge, demanding with high expectations. I just wasn't into jumping through hoops. We both realized we weren't a fit after about 5 months. As together as she seemed to be at first glance, she had issues that I wasn't willing to suffer.

[BlueIris]

Sometimes the womenz wants what they wants, and they can be picky and uncompromising... whereas men do the best they can, but are willing to compromise in order to close a deal.

 

But you're right... they do paint themselves into a corner. I dated an oral surgeon for awhile. She owned an endodontics practice with a few others and over time I gathered enough tidbits of data to calculate her income. Over 1m a year, maybe 1.5m. She's also a Mensa member, yada, yada... where she'll ever find a man equal to all of that I have no idea. She's used to being right, used to being in charge, demanding with high expectations. I just wasn't into jumping through hoops. We both realized we weren't a fit after about 5 months. As together as she seemed to be at first glance, she had issues that I wasn't willing to suffer.

 

To be fair, we all have our preferences, men and women. Some men who are used to being in charge, demanding with high expectations like women who are used to being in charge, demanding with high expectations.

[salparadise]

To be fair, we all have our preferences, men and women. Some men who are used to being in charge, demanding with high expectations like women who are used to being in charge, demanding with high expectations.

 

 

Oh i know - a lid for every pot as they say. I didn't go into detail about this woman, but I do feel she's going to need a strong hand and I don't know if such a guy is out there. It's going to be a small, small minority... and then they'll need to be attracted and willing to deal with her attitude.

 

Here's the incident that was the final straw for me. We went kayaking. She called a guy she knew of to meet us early, early and shuttle us and the kayaks up river. He was scratching out a living doing this stuff in his old truck which had been flooded. He was a nice old man but clearly not well off. We parked at his little place on the river and he took us up to the put-in. She had told me to lock up my wallet and everything in the car and that she had cash to pay the guy. So she asked what we owed him for the shuttle and he did the good ole boy routine.... "owe shucks y'all don't owe me anything, I just like to see you out here having fun." Well anybody with a brain in their head knows that he didn't mean that literally - he was saying just pay me what you feel is right. So she says, "oh well, thank you, that's so nice of you." And she stiffed him. The going rate for a shuttle like that was about $25 and he knew she was wealthy and was probably hoping she'd give him $50.

 

She was so damn self-absorbed and privileged that she truly felt that it was his pleasure to be of service to her.

 

We went to the symphony orchestra once and I was amazed at how much deference people were paying her... until I looked at the program and saw why. She was in the highest category of donors, which was something over $10k. She was buying status with hard currency and relishing it as if it was actually about her rather than the money.

 

And yet she stiffs the poor old man who shuttled the kayaks... because he had no status and couldn't give her any. We were just from different worlds.